CHAPTER XXXV
UNPLEASANTNESS IN THE SMALL HOURS
Jellicoe, that human encyclopaedia, consulted on the probablemovements of the enemy, deposed that Spiller, retiring at ten, wouldmake for Dormitory One in the same passage, where Robinson also had abed. The rest of the opposing forces were distributed among other andmore distant rooms. It was probable, therefore, that Dormitory Onewould be the rendezvous. As to the time when an attack might beexpected, it was unlikely that it would occur before half-past eleven.Mr. Outwood went the round of the dormitories at eleven.
"And touching," said Psmith, "the matter of noise, must this businessbe conducted in a subdued and _sotto voce_ manner, or may we letourselves go a bit here and there?"
"I shouldn't think old Outwood's likely to hear you--he sleeps milesaway on the other side of the house. He never hears anything. We oftenrag half the night and nothing happens."
"This appears to be a thoroughly nice, well-conducted establishment.What would my mother say if she could see her Rupert in the midst ofthese reckless youths!"
"All the better," said Mike; "we don't want anybody butting in andstopping the show before it's half started."
"Comrade Jackson's Berserk blood is up--I can hear it sizzling. Iquite agree these things are all very disturbing and painful, but it'sas well to do them thoroughly when one's once in for them. Is therenobody else who might interfere with our gambols?"
"Barnes might," said Jellicoe, "only he won't."
"Who is Barnes?"
"Head of the house--a rotter. He's in a funk of Stone and Robinson;they rag him; he'll simply sit tight."
"Then I think," said Psmith placidly, "we may look forward to a verypleasant evening. Shall we be moving?"
Mr. Outwood paid his visit at eleven, as predicted by Jellicoe,beaming vaguely into the darkness over a candle, and disappearedagain, closing the door.
"How about that door?" said Mike. "Shall we leave it open for them?"
"Not so, but far otherwise. If it's shut we shall hear them at it whenthey come. Subject to your approval, Comrade Jackson, I have evolvedthe following plan of action. I always ask myself on these occasions,'What would Napoleon have done?' I think Napoleon would have sat in achair by his washhand-stand, which is close to the door; he would haveposted you by your washhand-stand, and he would have instructedComrade Jellicoe, directly he heard the door-handle turned, to givehis celebrated imitation of a dormitory breathing heavily in itssleep. He would then----"
"I tell you what," said Mike, "how about tying a string at the top ofthe steps?"
"Yes, Napoleon would have done that, too. Hats off to Comrade Jackson,the man with the big brain!"
The floor of the dormitory was below the level of the door. There werethree steps leading down to it. Psmith lit a candle and they examinedthe ground. The leg of a wardrobe and the leg of Jellicoe's bed madeit possible for the string to be fastened in a satisfactory manneracross the lower step. Psmith surveyed the result with approval.
"Dashed neat!" he said. "Practically the sunken road which dished theCuirassiers at Waterloo. I seem to see Comrade Spiller coming one ofthe finest purlers in the world's history."
"If they've got a candle----"
"They won't have. If they have, stand by with your water-jug and douseit at once; then they'll charge forward and all will be well. If theyhave no candle, fling the water at a venture--fire into the brown!Lest we forget, I'll collar Comrade Jellicoe's jug now and keep ithandy. A couple of sheets would also not be amiss--we will enmesh theenemy!"
"Right ho!" said Mike.
"These humane preparations being concluded," said Psmith, "we willretire to our posts and wait. Comrade Jellicoe, don't forget tobreathe like an asthmatic sheep when you hear the door opened; theymay wait at the top of the steps, listening."
"You _are_ a chap!" said Jellicoe.
Waiting in the dark for something to happen is always a tryingexperience, especially if, as on this occasion, silence is essential.Mike found his thoughts wandering back to the vigil he had kept withMr. Wain at Wrykyn on the night when Wyatt had come in through thewindow and found authority sitting on his bed, waiting for him. Mikewas tired after his journey, and he had begun to doze when he wasjerked back to wakefulness by the stealthy turning of the door-handle;the faintest rustle from Psmith's direction followed, and a slightgiggle, succeeded by a series of deep breaths, showed that Jellicoe,too, had heard the noise.
There was a creaking sound.
It was pitch-dark in the dormitory, but Mike could follow the invaders'movements as clearly as if it had been broad daylight. They had openedthe door and were listening. Jellicoe's breathing grew more asthmatic;he was flinging himself into his part with the whole-heartedness of thetrue artist.
The creak was followed by a sound of whispering, then another creak.The enemy had advanced to the top step.... Another creak.... Thevanguard had reached the second step.... In another moment----
CRASH!
And at that point the proceedings may be said to have formally opened.
A struggling mass bumped against Mike's shins as he rose from hischair; he emptied his jug on to this mass, and a yell of anguishshowed that the contents had got to the right address.
Then a hand grabbed his ankle and he went down, a million sparksdancing before his eyes as a fist, flying out at a venture, caught himon the nose.
Mike had not been well-disposed towards the invaders before, but nowhe ran amok, hitting out right and left at random. His right missed,but his left went home hard on some portion of somebody's anatomy. Akick freed his ankle and he staggered to his feet. At the same momenta sudden increase in the general volume of noise spoke eloquently ofgood work that was being put in by Psmith.
Even at that crisis, Mike could not help feeling that if a row of thiscalibre did not draw Mr. Outwood from his bed, he must be an unusualkind of house-master.
He plunged forward again with outstretched arms, and stumbled and fellover one of the on-the-floor section of the opposing force. Theyseized each other earnestly and rolled across the room till Mike,contriving to secure his adversary's head, bumped it on the floor withsuch abandon that, with a muffled yell, the other let go, and for thesecond time he rose. As he did so he was conscious of a curiousthudding sound that made itself heard through the other assortednoises of the battle.
All this time the fight had gone on in the blackest darkness, but nowa light shone on the proceedings. Interested occupants of otherdormitories, roused from their slumbers, had come to observe thesport. They were crowding in the doorway with a candle.
By the light of this Mike got a swift view of the theatre of war. Theenemy appeared to number five. The warrior whose head Mike had bumpedon the floor was Robinson, who was sitting up feeling his skull in agingerly fashion. To Mike's right, almost touching him, was Stone. Inthe direction of the door, Psmith, wielding in his right hand the cordof a dressing-gown, was engaging the remaining three with a patientsmile. They were clad in pyjamas, and appeared to be feeling thedressing-gown cord acutely.
The sudden light dazed both sides momentarily. The defence was thefirst to recover, Mike, with a swing, upsetting Stone, and Psmith,having seized and emptied Jellicoe's jug over Spiller, getting to workagain with the cord in a manner that roused the utmost enthusiasm ofthe spectators.
PSMITH SEIZED AND EMPTIED JELLICOE'S JUG OVER SPILLER]
Agility seemed to be the leading feature of Psmith's tactics. He waseverywhere--on Mike's bed, on his own, on Jellicoe's (drawing apassionate complaint from that non-combatant, on whose face heinadvertently trod), on the floor--he ranged the room, sowingdestruction.
The enemy were disheartened; they had started with the idea that thiswas to be a surprise attack, and it was disconcerting to find thegarrison armed at all points. Gradually they edged to the door, and afinal rush sent them through.
"Hold the door for a second," cried Psmith, and vanished. Mike wasalone in the doorway.
It was a situation which e
xactly suited his frame of mind; he stoodalone in direct opposition to the community into which Fate hadpitchforked him so abruptly. He liked the feeling; for the first timesince his father had given him his views upon school reports thatmorning in the Easter holidays, he felt satisfied with life. He hoped,outnumbered as he was, that the enemy would come on again and not givethe thing up in disgust; he wanted more.
On an occasion like this there is rarely anything approachingconcerted action on the part of the aggressors. When the attack came,it was not a combined attack; Stone, who was nearest to the door, madea sudden dash forward, and Mike hit him under the chin.
Stone drew back, and there was another interval for rest andreflection.
It was interrupted by the reappearance of Psmith, who strolled backalong the passage swinging his dressing-gown cord as if it were someclouded cane.
"Sorry to keep you waiting, Comrade Jackson," he said politely. "Dutycalled me elsewhere. With the kindly aid of a guide who knows the lieof the land, I have been making a short tour of the dormitories. Ihave poured divers jugfuls of water over Comrade Spiller's bed,Comrade Robinson's bed, Comrade Stone's--Spiller, Spiller, these areharsh words; where you pick them up I can't think--not from me. Well,well, I suppose there must be an end to the pleasantest of functions.Good-night, good-night."
The door closed behind Mike and himself. For ten minutes shufflingsand whisperings went on in the corridor, but nobody touched thehandle.
Then there was a sound of retreating footsteps, and silence reigned.
On the following morning there was a notice on the house-board. Itran:
INDOOR GAMES
Dormitory-raiders are informed that in future neither Mr. Psmith nor Mr. Jackson will be at home to visitors. This nuisance must now cease.
R. PSMITH. M. JACKSON.
Mike Page 36
