by Emily Woods
“We have to get across.” She nodded and the plunged into the frigid water after the cattle. Once they were on the opposite side, Lulu gasped for fresh air, the heat much less stifling.
Aaron pulled his horse alongside hers and leaned in close. “Are you all right?”
She nodded, unable to speak, the fear seizing her in a grip around her throat. Then the tears began to fall in a great torrent.
“Lulu,” Aaron said, reaching up and gently grasping her neck to tilt her head up. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“W-we could have died.” She gasped in a sobbing breath and he pulled her to his chest. It was awkward due to the space of the horses between them, but still, his arms felt like safety around her.
“I’m sorry. I never should have let you come.”
“No.” She pushed back and swiped at her tears. “No. I asked, and it was right to come.” She took in a deep, shuddering breath, steadying herself. “It was just a lot all at once. I’ll be all right.”
“You’re the bravest woman I know,” he said.
Only then did she realize that his hand was still lightly touching her neck. His gaze locked with hers and she felt more heat than the fire could ever produce rise inside of her. There was something about Aaron that she couldn’t ignore. A fire between them.
Then his lips were on hers and her eyes automatically slid shut.
6
Lulu knew she should pull away, but with Aaron’s lips pressed to hers, she felt sheltered and cared for in a way she’d never felt before. It felt so right.
But it was so wrong.
She pulled back, her hand rising to cover her lips in surprise.
“I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…” Aaron looked like he was a man drowning looking for oxygen. “I just… I couldn’t…” He didn’t finish his thought, but she was sure she knew what he meant. Not that it excused their actions.
“We can’t.” She felt the tears again, but this time, they came from a place of deep longing for what she could have with Aaron.
“I know.” He leaned back even further, thought they still were close to one another due to their horses standing side by side. “I’m so sorry.”
Lulu brushed back the tears again, wishing she could take back the last several hours. If she hadn’t been so head-strong and sure of herself, she never would have been in this position. She never would have known how much Aaron truly cared for her. Or how much she cared for him.
But it was a forbidden care. One she couldn’t indulge, nor could she excuse. They had made a grave mistake and she begged God for forgiveness.
“I’m pledged to Albert,” she said, almost as much to herself as she said it to Aaron.
“I know.” Aarons words were a breath on the wind.
“I can’t—”
“I’ll talk to him.” A look of fierce determination came over Aaron’s handsome features and in that moment, she loved the fire she saw in his eyes. But it couldn’t be.
“No.” She shook her head. “It’s not right. I shouldn’t have.” She looked down and bit her lip.
“That was my fault,” Aaron said. “You had no part in the kiss.”
And yet she had. She’d kissed him back as much as he’d kissed her. “We have to put this behind us.”
“But, Lulu—” he began.
“No. It’s not right. In God’s eyes, it is almost as bad as adultery.” She felt the shame of the word.
“It is on me then,” he said, slamming his hand to his chest. “This is my fault.”
“I’m as much to blame,” she said. “We’ll speak of this no more. I’ll marry Albert and we shall always be brother and sister in faith and under the law. That is all we can be.”
He looked as if he wanted to contradict her, but she knew he couldn’t. It was the only way; the right way.
Instead, he nodded once and pulled his horse away. “I’ll be back to camp later.”
She watched as he rode off, feeling as if he’d taken half her heart with him. How was it possible that, in the short time she’d been on the Bowen Ranch, she’d grown to care for Aaron more than she had Albert—the very man she was engaged to?
Another wave of tears wracked through her and she leaned over in her sorrow. She did care for Aaron, how could she think to deny it? Then she wondered if she should have allowed him to talk to his brother?
Then again, if he did and Albert resented them for going behind his back, what would happen? She couldn’t be responsible for splitting apart a family like this. It wasn’t right.
She wiped her tears one last time, sat up straight, and urged her horse toward the location the men had chosen for camp. While she’d never camped out under the stars like this, she had agreed to stay with them since going back to the ranch would take too long and darkness would descend before they got back.
Groaning at the thought of being in the same camp with Aaron and knowing she couldn’t interact with him as she had in the past without thinking about their shared kiss, she steeled herself. She would make it through the night, avoid him, and be ready to welcome Albert home when the time came.
The glow of small fires lit the path to the ramshackle camp. She hadn’t been introduced to the men more than a cursory exchange here and there, knowing that they had bigger problems on hand than being on a first-name basis. Now she wished she’d gotten to know at least one or two of them instead of staying close to Aaron the whole time.
She’d felt comfortable with him and had therefore stayed close to him. She briefly wondered if the men would notice if she didn’t stay close to Aaron tonight. Would they suspect…
She chided herself. They likely weren’t going to be analyzing who she sat next to or where she made her bedroll, just as long as it was appropriately away from all of them.
So she did just that. She set up her small camp far enough away from them all. Then, when a kind hand came over with a plate of beans for her and offered to make a fire for her, she graciously accepted.
After that, they all left her alone, though she did catch Aaron glancing her way more than a few times. Not so much as to make others notice, but their gaze caught enough to tell her that, while he respected what she’d said, he wouldn’t let her come to any harm while in his care.
That night, as she lay on her side facing away from the others with her hands folded under her head, she cried silent tears for what could have been had she agreed to marry one brother over the other.
Aaron felt the distance between himself and Lulu like it as alive and writhing—or, more accurately, dying in front of him. He hated it, but he understood it. He asked one of the men to take care of her meal and fire and he agreed easily enough, especially after Aaron said he had to check on the horses as his main excuse for not doing it himself.
When he returned, Lulu was already laying down, her back to the rest of the camp. He hated that she was so far away, but he also knew it was wise. He just wanted to be close in case anything happened. Though predators weren’t likely to attack such a large group nor would they if they kept the fires burning.
He lay down on his bedroll, looking up into the night sky. Despite the light from the fires, he was still able to make out their brilliant designs scattered across the deep blue. It reminded him of the infinite nature of God and the reality that all of this—as difficult as it was to Aaron—was all part of a larger plan.
But what was that plan? Was it right that his brother would have the woman that he loved?
Love?
The word stuck in his mind and echoed there like a resounding gong. He couldn’t love someone who wasn’t his to love. It wasn’t right. And yet it was how he felt.
Then he thought of his brother. He cared for Albert and wanted him to be happy. He didn’t want him to suffer heartbreak as much as he didn’t want it himself, but that was what he would do should he force his way with him.
But he did deserve to know the truth. He knew what Lulu had said, that they wouldn’t discuss it and move past
it, but Aaron couldn’t do that. He wanted to clear the air. Besides, he had to ask if his brother was serious about Lulu. Sure, it seemed evident, but he didn’t want to take any chances.
He had to know if Albert would love Lulu.
Closing his eyes, he lifted his thoughts to God, asking for wisdom and courage in the face of uncertainty.
When they arrived back at the ranch the next day, Aaron went to see his mother as soon as possible, only to find that his brothers were still gone. It was a blow that was hard to take, but it also gave him time to think though what he would say to Albert.
He went out to the barn and began mucking out stalls. It was the one thing he always did to clear his head. He was on the second stall when a soft sound alerted him to someone’s presence behind him. It was Violet.
“Are you all right, Aaron?” she said, a concerned look on her face and a covered basket on her arm.
“‘Couse I am. We rescued the cattle, and everyone came back all right.” Especially Lulu, his mind added without bidding.
“Mmhmm,” she said, her head tilting to the side, “And yet here you are, mucking out stalls. Shouldn’t you be up at dinner with us ladies?”
The thought of yet another meal seated across from Lulu, pretending not to care for her and sticking to polite conversational topics… It stunk as much as the manure he was shoveling.
“Nah, I’ve got to get this done.”
“Right now,” she said. It was a question and a statement.
“Yeah,” he said, though it wasn’t the full truth. And yet it wasn’t a lie.
“Sure. And the fact that a pretty young woman is staying under our roof has nothing to do with any of this?” she asked.
He froze, his hands on the shovel, eyes downcast. “Right.” He moved ahead with shoveling.
“Right it does or right it doesn’t?”
He huffed out a breath and looked up at her. “What do you want me to say?” His voice cracked, and he heard the anger in his words, immediately regretting it. “I’m sorry, Violet.”
She offered him a small smile. “It’s all right. I just wanted to let you know that Albert and Arthur are coming back tomorrow. We got word tonight. I thought you may want to know.”
He gave a curt nod.
“And, for what it’s worth…” she said, looking out the open barn door at the setting sun of the evening sky. “The truth is always best.”
“What if it hurts someone you care about?” he asked before he could stop himself.
“Then it’s a wound that will heal. All wounds made by friends do. Some faster than others, but all, in time. Your brother loves you, Aaron. Remember that and I think things will work out as they must.”
He couldn’t speak, couldn’t find the words, but Violet didn’t need them. She was gone before he could get a reply out, but he had a feeling she didn’t expect one. How she knew he could only guess, but Violet had always been observant.
But was she right? Would Albert take his word for it? That he hadn’t meant to hurt him by kissing his fiancé?
He wasn’t sure, but he could be sure that he would soon find out. Tomorrow.
7
Aaron was called away to tend to an injured horse early the next morning. He’d planned on being around the minute Albert and Arthur arrived back at the ranch but, as it was, they came in near dusk after an arduous day that ended in a sad loss. Aaron was already spent, but he knew what he needed to do—the honorable thing.
He stopped by the house and Ma told him that his brother was out by his favorite tree in the back yard. He’d heard Violet and Lulu talking so he knew that Albert was likely to be alone. That was better for what he had to say to him.
His steps leading up to the tree were labored, making his feet feel like they had clumps of thick mud weighing them down. His brother sat with his back against the tall tree, his gaze fixed on a point in the distance.
“Hello, brother,” he said, coming up. His throat was suddenly dry, and his chest felt like an anvil had dropped on it.
Albert didn’t respond. Didn’t even move.
“I’ve come to talk to you about something.”
Then, in a rush of movement, Albert was off the ground and staring into his eyes, face aflame, eyes blazing as hot as the fire they’d faced only days ago.
“Is that right? Something indeed.” He fisted his hands and strode away from him. “Seems you’re not the only one with news to tell me.”
Aaron felt cold dread course though him. Had someone seen the kiss and told his brother before he could?
“What do—”
“There are some men who I could count my friends—Joel is one of them. Unfortunately, it seems I can’t count you.” He emphasized his point by roughly jabbing a finger at Aaron’s chest.
“Hey,” Aaron stepped back. “That is why I’m here. I—”
“You what? Went behind my back and kissed my bride-to-be? And don’t blame Joel for telling me your misdeeds. He felt obligated, as he should.”
“I’d never hold it against him. I’d only hoped to tell you myself.”
“How can I ever trust you again, brother?” Albert spat the words out.
“I’m sorry,” Aaron began, but his brother waved a hand at him to stay his words.
“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t even want to hear you try to—”
“Do you even love her?” Aaron’s voice shook with anger that he knew wasn’t justified but that he felt to his core.
“How dare you even ask me that.”
“But do you? Because I see you leaving her alone all the time, not caring what she’s doing, not even giving a second thought to how she might be adjusting to life on the ranch away from her family. And you go off doing whatever you want, confident in the fact that she’ll just be here waiting for you when you come back, but—”
His words were cut off by his brother’s fist solidly connecting with his eye. He stumbled back a few feet, groaning in pain, but he didn’t retaliate. His brother’s throbbing wrist was pain enough.
“You have absolutely no right to question me.”
Breathing in and out through his nose to calm himself, Aaron held up both of his hands. “You’re right. I don’t,” he said, spitting blood that was flowing freely from his nose. “I’m sorry. The kiss was…wrong.” His brother scoffed at this. “And it was entirely my fault.”
“How could you?” Albert said, his face crinkling with emotion.
Aaron had no response to this. Instead, he dropped his hands to his side and met his brother’s gaze head on.
“I’ll leave.” Albert’s eyes narrowed, but Aaron continued, “It’s not right for me to be here when I’ve hurt you as I have, but…” Now he hesitated, not wanting to stir his brother’s anger again.
Albert stood there, fists at the ready and breathing hard. Aaron knew that all it would take was another misplaced word.
“For your sake as much as for Lulu’s—” He held a hand to stay his brother coming forward again. “Just ask yourself if she is the one for you.”
“She is,” Albert replied. It was too fast and the emotion in his eyes wasn’t one of compassion and care for Lulu but defiance of his younger brother daring to question him.
“Then I wish you both a happy marriage.” And with that, Aaron turned and left.
Lulu knew that Albert was back, and she’d expected him to come and find her. When he hadn’t, she’d made her way toward the barn, thinking he could be there since Violet had seen Arthur heading that way. Then she’d seen him across the yard talking with Joel. He’d looked unhappy and something about that caused her to avoid seeing him.
She’d helped Rose in the house, looking up every time someone came in, but it was usually Arthur coming in for things he needed. And each time, he left with a gentle kiss on Violet’s cheek.
Lulu knew she wasn’t married to Albert yet, but was it too much to think that he’d want to see his fiancée after being gone for several days? Even Arthur had com
e up to her to thank her for her part in rescuing the cows from the fire. And yet her own intended hadn’t said a word—hadn’t even seen her.
She began to feel anger rising in place of the hurt, but then the memory of Aaron’s lips on hers drove the feelings out. Who was she to be angry?
Lulu gasped and rested against the doorframe. Would she live like this the rest of her life? Punishing herself for a foolish mistake with her fiancé’s brother and always feeling like she had to make up for it? That wasn’t right.
The sound of hooves on the hard-packed earth in front of the house drew her attention. Who was riding out at this time? It was almost dusk.
She rushed to the door, pulling it inward and stepping out in time to see Aaron astride his horse and almost past the house. Before she could stop herself, she’d called out to him.
When he turned, she gasped. “What happened to your eye?”
His jaw clenched, and she saw a muscle work there.
“It was Albert, wasn’t it?” She knew the instant his gaze met her.
“He hasn’t—”
“No,” she said before he could ask. “He hasn’t been in the house yet today.”
Another flicker of something passed behind Aaron’s eyes. Then she looked down and saw full saddle bags. “Are you going somewhere?”
“I’m leaving.”
The words dropped heavy on her heart and she blinked. Leaving. He was leaving.
Lulu knew that her heart was supposed to belong to Albert, but the thought of Aaron leaving was almost too much to bear. And yet she had no choice. She wasn’t engaged to Aaron.
“I—I’m sorry to hear that.”
“And I’m sorry…” He licked dry lips. “…for everything.”
She shook her head, unable to respond.
“Have a good life, Lulu.”
He turned to go, but she stepped forward. “Wait.”
“What?” he asked, turning toward her.
“How long will you be gone?”
