by Emily Woods
“If you try to take it on yourself, you might be putting the whole camp in danger.” He knew that he had to try a different tactic to make Matthew see sense. “It’s what I would do. Two are stronger than one.”
“Because they have a good reward for their labor,” Matthew declared. “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”
Tom tilted his head and drew his brows together. “What?”
A look of surprise passed over the young man’s face. “That from the Bible. Ecclesiastes.” Now he looked a little embarrassed. “I thought you were quoting it.”
Tom shook his head, his expression growing grim. “Don’t know much about the Bible, I’m afraid. My mother wasn’t one for teaching it, and then I grew up and it seemed like a lot of trouble.”
Matthew disagreed. “It’s never too much trouble. Trouble is what you get when you don’t know the Bible.”
It was on the tip of his tongue to ask the boy what he could say in defense of his father, considering Eugene Howard had seemed to know the Bible very well, but he had no reason to put the younger man on the defensive, especially not given that he would possibly be reunited with his father tomorrow.
“It’s helped you then?” he asked instead.
Matthew nodded rapidly. “The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. That’s also from the Bible.” He hoisted the gun up slightly and looked at Tom solemnly. “I know what you’re thinking, Captain, but I’m not bitter the way my sister is. My father was a hard man, but he was doing his best. I know things about him that Lily doesn’t. I won’t defend him, but I understand him.”
Tom was afraid to ask what he knew, so he didn’t. “It’s good for a man to have a strong faith,” he said instead. “I wish I shared it.”
“You could,” Matthew said earnestly. “Just ask God to show you how.”
Smiling indulgently, Tom tried to find the right words to say. “I’m afraid it’s not that easy for someone like me. I’ve been lost for a long time. I don’t think God even knows where to find me.”
“Even if you walk ten thousand miles away from God, he’s still right behind you.”
The words were said with such certainty that Tom actually got chills. His heart beat faster and the air around him became so oppressive that he found it hard to breathe.
“Uh, well, maybe, but I don’t see Him.” He knew he had to put some space between the two of them. “Anyway, remember what I said. Wake me up for the least little thing, okay?”
It seemed like Matthew wanted to say more, but after a slight hesitation, he just nodded. Tom hoped he meant it.
6
Lily had a hard time falling asleep that night as she lay beside her mother in the wagon, but it was no wonder. Her mind was filled with the possible outcomes of the next day. Upon arriving at Fort Boise, they would learn the fate of their father. Was he imprisoned for his action or only reprimanded? Was he even there? Had he been taken to Oregon with the authorities?
She wasn’t sure which would be worse, being separated from him or reunited with him.
Her heart ached with worry and tears filled her eyes. She must have made some noise because her mother murmured, “Don’t worry, my dear. God has everything under control.”
Ordinarily, she would keep her comments to herself, but in her present state of mind, Lily couldn’t help but give a bitter reply.
“Where was God four months ago, Mother? Or even two weeks ago? Was it His plan that we get injured and have to be separated from the rest of the wagon train?”
For a moment, her mother didn’t reply, and Lily was overcome with guilt.
“I—I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I’m just so worried.”
A gentle hand touched her shoulder, and Lily turned to face her mother.
“It’s human to worry, my dear, but the Bible tells us that God sees everything. He knows the number of the hairs on our head, catches each tear that falls from our eyes, and has our future planned out for us.”
Heat surged through her and more angry words tumbled out before she could halt them. “Then why do so many bad things happen? Where is God in those moments?”
She hated how her voice sounded, but she needed answers. She’d blindly believed the Bible her whole life, but over the past four months, she was starting to feel that it didn’t live up to its promises.
“I can’t tell you specifically, dear, but I do know that God works out all things for the good of those who love Him.”
Lily was sure that was another Bible verse and had to hold back her sharp words.
Her mother sighed when she didn’t reply.
“I’ve been praying for your father for years now, my dear. You don’t know…”
“Then tell me!” Lily demanded, rolling over to face her mother and raising herself up slightly. “You keep saying that I don’t know, that I can’t understand, but you never give me details. If you tell me why my father is so angry, so bitter, then maybe I’ll be able to forgive him.”
A long paused ensued. Lily suspected that her mother was praying over the matter.
“Perhaps it’s time,” she murmured. “This is a hard story to hear, my dear, and an even harder to tell, so please be patient and listen until the end. Do you promise?”
Lily promised and laid back down, quiet anticipation filling her heart.
After a deep breath, her mother began to tell the story.
“About twenty years ago, before you were born, your father had a plan to move out west with his parents. He thought that it would be a grand adventure for us. I agreed because I knew he was bored working in the factory. I loved him so much…” Her mother stopped to clear her throat. “I love him still, Lily, but you can’t imagine how different it was back then.”
Since she’d promised to say nothing until the end, Lily held her tongue.
“Anyway, his parents decided to go first. They packed up their belongings and went with two other families. They weren’t planning to go as far as we have, but rather just to Wyoming. It was only meant to be a three-week journey, but they never made it.” Lily heard her mother take a shaky breath. “My dear, your grandparents were set upon by the natives. They were killed for no reason, as were the friends who had gone with them. The reports were so brutal that I can’t bring myself to tell you.” There was another shuddering sigh. “After that, your father fell into such a deep depression that I feared he would never recover. Then you were born. You never saw a more devoted father, but he didn’t know how to show it other than being terribly protective. I know he has been very strict with you all, but it is because he knows how easily it is to lose someone you love.”
So many questions ran through Lily’s mind, but she continued to listen in silence.
“You don’t know what he’s like when there’s no one around,” her mother added. “He’s scared of losing you all. It might not make any sense, but I guess in his mind, if he raises you to be submissive and morally upright, you will somehow be protected.”
“But then why did we come out west? If he’s so bitter about the Indians, why didn’t we stay home?”
She couldn’t hold back the question. It burst out of her mouth like water from a broken dam.
Instead of the reprimand she was expecting, her mother reached out and touched her arm.
“I know he will hate that I’m telling you this, but I guess you need to know. Lily, your father lost his job at the factory. He didn’t do anything wrong, but the business was bankrupt. When he heard about Captain Holt’s reputation and how the Oregon Trail was considered safe because of the number of people who travelled along it, he felt he had to go. I think in some way, he believes he’s honoring his parents by making the trip.”
Overwhelmed with a mixture of feelings, Lily wasn’t sure how to respond. Part of her ached for her father’s loss, but another part was still angry.
“I’m glad you told me, Mother, but I st
ill don’t think that it justifies how hard he’s been on us all these years.”
Her mother sighed. “No, not justifies, but maybe you can forgive him now. He’s not difficult because he’s a terrible person. It has to do with the fact that he can’t control anything. I encouraged him to make this trip because I thought it might finally bring healing to his heart.”
“And instead it nearly killed us,” Lily replied bitterly.
Her mother’s hand slid off her shoulder.
“Yes, it did. But I will still trust the Lord. I don’t know if I made a mistake in supporting this decision, but even if I did, I know the Lord will work it out. He has good plans for us all.”
The certainty of her mother’s convictions gave Lily chills, but she couldn’t agree.
Her life was a mess, and she had no faith that God would be able to ever sort it out.
Tom woke several times over the two hours, possibly because he was expecting Matthew to wake him, but each time, there was only silence. Quietly, he crept out of the tent after the third time and went to check on Matthew. He didn’t want the young man to see him, but he didn’t think he’d be able to rest until he was sure that everything was alright.
A murmur of voices drew his attention.
“I’ve been praying for you, my boy. No matter what happens tomorrow, we’ll all stand by you. Your father made a bad decision, but who among us hasn’t?”
“Thank you, Preacher. I—I don’t know how I’m going to feel. You know, he might not even be there.”
Tom realized he was listening to Matthew and Preacher John talking about Eugene. He knew he should either make himself known or leave, but he couldn’t bring himself to do either. He wanted to hear what the preacher would say.
“I’m proud of how you’ve held your family together. You’ve really grown in the past two weeks.”
There wasn’t a reply right away, and then he knew why. Matthew was overcome with emotion.
“Th-thank you, Preacher. It hasn’t been easy, but I know that God is with me.”
“Yes, son, you are right in that. No matter what happens, no matter how hard life is, you can be assured that God sees you.”
Now creeping away unseen, Tom felt a little guilty for eavesdropping, but an even more powerful emotion was pressing down on his heart. He recognized it as a deep longing. He had always wanted to have someone express pride in him. His employer had been a fair man, but hadn’t wanted any kind of personal involvement with him. They maintained a respectful distance, each one doing their own job. And since he’d never had a father, nor uncle, nor any older man to watch over him, he’d grown into manhood alone.
If there was one thing Tom understood, it was longing. He’d experienced it his whole life. In school, he overhead stories of the other boys going fishing or camping with their fathers and his heart had nearly burst with the desire to have such an experience. But there’d been none.
He’d managed to suppress the feeling as he grew, so well in fact that he didn’t know it was still there, simmering and smoldering in his chest.
Now it was so strong that he wanted to cry out, but who would hear him?
Since there was no way he’d fall asleep now, he decided to relieve whoever it was that was standing guard now. His own shift didn’t start until four o’clock, but he would push through and not even bother to wake Dr. Taylor, who was on the third shift.
Quickly, he walked the perimeter of the camp and found the man who was on second watch.
“Good evening, Captain,” the preacher greeted him. “Can’t sleep?”
Of course. That was why Matthew and he were talking. Preacher John was on the second shift that night. How could he have forgotten?
“I guess not,” he said, forcing himself to remain calm. “Lot of tension about tomorrow.”
“Are you worried?”
Tom swallowed hard. “Worried?”
“About the fact that Eugene might be rejoining our train. There’s every chance that the authorities will side with him in this matter. Most men would say that he was just protecting his family.”
Shock coursed through him. “But they’ll have the testimony of Captain Holt and the others. They’ll be able to see that the man is a danger.”
The preacher gave a small shrug. “Unless you’re with a man on the trail, you can’t clearly see what he’s like. In any case, it’s out of our hands. We’ll just have to see what happens.”
He didn’t have a reply to that, so he moved onto his purpose for coming.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight, so I’ll take your shift. You can go get some rest.”
The preacher didn’t seem in a hurry to leave. He stayed where he was, leaning against the tree with the rifle propped up beside him. Tom knew that the man would be hard-pressed to use it, but having it was one of the rules of the night guard.
“You’re not going to stay up all night, are you?”
Tom nodded. “I’m going to have a sleepless night. I’ve had enough of them to know when they’re coming.”
Still the preacher didn’t budge. “Want to talk about it?”
He’d planned to say no, to send the preacher on his way and spend the rest of the night brooding, but there was such calm compassion in the man’s voice that Tom felt the pent-up words and emotions force their way forward.
“I have a lot on my mind. This whole business with Howard reminds me of a lot of things.”
Years of hurt, anger, and frustration gave way as the story of his life poured out. The preacher’s expression didn’t change, not even when he told him of all the bad choices he’d made along the way.
In the end, when he told him about how he’d been feeling so overwhelmed and so confused lately, the preacher spoke for the first time.
“Did you ever wonder where God is in all this?”
Tom didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected the man to voice the very question that had haunted him his whole life. His mother had sent him to Sunday school every week until he was ten and refused to go, so he knew about the God that other people worshipped. He’d prayed to him relentlessly for years until finally coming to the conclusion that God was for other people, those whose mothers hadn’t had their children out of wedlock, those who hadn’t fallen into a gang of troublemakers as he had before his mother left. It was only then that he became responsible and put himself on the straight and narrow.
Now he struggled to get the words out.
“I don’t expect anything of God,” he mumbled. “I don’t think He’s interested in me.”
The words didn’t come out as indifferently as he’d hoped. Instead, he sounded like the small, wounded boy who only had one wish for his birthday, Christmas, and his whole life. That wish was to have a loving father.
The preacher’s answer shook his world.
“God is interested in everyone, Tom. He loves each person on the earth and knew in advance who you would be before you were even born. He saw your life from beginning to end and longs to be a part of it. It is not He who is shutting you out, but you who are shutting Him out.”
“I tried!” Tom nearly shouted before getting control of himself. “When I was a boy, I prayed and prayed that God would help me and my mother, but then things only got worse. I was left on my own. Even my mother deserted me as soon as she could.”
Preacher John was not taken aback by his indignation. Instead, he folded his hands over his midsection and gave him an approving look.
“And yet, here you are, a law-abiding man who cares for others and even endangers his life for them. It could have been a very different story, you know. Many men with your background end up in saloons, drinking and gambling their lives away or worse.”
“I never had a taste for the stuff,” he mumbled. “And it seemed stupid to risk my hard-earned pay over a deck of cards.”
A small smile tugged the corner of the preacher’s mouth. “I would venture to say that God put those ideas in your head. He has a plan
for your life, Thomas. He has great things in store for you, son.”
Hearing the preacher call him son was Tom’s undoing. The tears that had been kept back for so many years finally leaked out, and he had to bite his lip from sobbing aloud.
Even though the night was warm, Tom felt cold. But before he could register the feeling, the bear of a preacher had pulled him into an embrace.
Never before had he hugged a man. The few women who had ever shown him any affection had only wanted his money, and so he’d barely given them any attention either. His mother might have hugged him, but he had no vivid memory of it.
He held himself stiff as a tree, but the preacher didn’t let go. After what felt like an hour but was probably no more than a minute, Tom relaxed and leaned his head against the preacher’s shoulder.
“I don’t know what I’m doing with my life,” he mumbled.
Preacher John drew back but continued to grip his shoulders.
“None of us do, but God does. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, He’s there, watching and protecting us. You’ve had a hard life, but look at you. You are a good, solid man with his whole life ahead of him. You are unencumbered by vices, and you can go anywhere.”
The words bolstered his spirit a little, but so many questions remained.
“And you think that God…cares about me?”
He hated how vulnerable he sounded, but in that moment, he had to know. If anyone could tell him his worth in God’s eyes, it was this powerful man of God.
“More than you can imagine,” came the gentle reply that somehow managed to sound like a whisper but felt like a lightning bolt. And for the first time in twenty years, Tom felt a trickle of hope.
7
The wagon train arrived at Fort Boise around two o’clock the next afternoon. Lily felt as though she’d been holding her breath all day. She’d barely said ten words to anyone, so engrossed was she in her thoughts and worries.
Tom had tried to talk to her once or twice, but her short, curt answers had indicated that she didn’t want any company, and he respected her wish.
