Standing from the table, tears still rushing down her face she grabbed her sketchbook, blew out the lantern on the table and rushed down the hall to her room. Once the door was shut behind her, she allowed herself to fall apart.
She cried for her friends she missed so much, and for the home she had left behind. She cried for the desperate wish to be like the other girls, who didn’t have to be slowed down by their leg. But mostly she cried for the feelings in her heart she didn’t understand.
Chapter 19
Matthew sat on the barn fence now, looking up at the stars shining above him. The cool evening air was refreshing as he tried to clear his thoughts.
Whenever something was bothering him, he would often end up outside at night, and lately this had been happening more and more.
Sleep was nearly impossible for him now, as anytime he did manage to fall asleep, he just dreamed about Harriet. Mostly just dreams of her getting sick like Nathaniel’s wife had, and Matthew could do nothing to save her.
But sometimes he dreamed about her smile that seemed to light up a room and her eyes that seemed to be lost in another world as she drew in her sketchbook.
He wasn’t sure which types of dreams were harder for him, but he had been avoiding them these last few nights.
He had seen Harriet crying at the table this evening when he had left her down there. Matthew knew she had thought he couldn’t see her, and it felt like his heart had stopped right then as he watched helplessly when she stood and rushed to her room.
Matthew knew it was his fault, but he couldn’t help it. He just didn’t know what was wrong with him. Why was he so afraid?
Why was he so scared of being hurt? And so frightened that he ended up hurting others?
With a sigh, he tipped his head back to rest on the barn wall, looking up at the stars and thought about all he’d done wrong.
* * *
After a long, restless night, Harriet noticed the sun beginning to shine into her room. Eager to get up and find something to do to distract her, she quickly dressed and made her way out to the main room.
She found Matthew already sitting at the table, his head in his hands looking equally exhausted. Ignoring him, she grabbed the basket off the counter and stepped outside to gather the eggs.
The sky was a beautiful shade of pink, and Harriet thought of what a lovely painting it would be. She’d have to order some paints in at the mercantile soon, since she’d left her old ones at the school because as it was, she’d a lot to bring with her.
After gathering the eggs, she returned to the house where Matthew was still sitting at the table motionless.
Setting the basket on the counter, she opened the cupboard and found a pan.
“Good morning, Harriet.”
She tensed as Matthew’s voice broke the silence and without looking at him she replied, “Good morning, Matthew.”
The silence returned as she made breakfast, and lasted until Isabella made her way down from the loft and began to help get breakfast ready.
Soon, everyone was awake, and breakfast was served. Harriet didn’t say anything throughout the meal, and once everyone was done eating, she began to do the dishes.
“See you after school, Miss Wigg.” Isabella smiled up at her as she grabbed her lunch pail off the counter.
“Yes, have a good day, dear. Oh, and do take your sibling’s lunches. I swear they always forget.”
Isabella grinned as she took the other two pails and rushed out the door. Nathaniel left shortly after them, and the only one who remained at the table was Matthew. She turned to face him and found him with his head rested on the table and his eyes closed again. His eyebrows were furrowed as she slowly made her way over to him.
“Matthew?” she asked, resting her hand on his shoulder.
He jumped, his head coming up quickly, and she noticed him look at her hand on his shoulder as if he was afraid of her.
She pulled her hand away and stepped back. “You…you fell asleep.”
“Well obviously,” he snapped, and then sighed looking down at his hands before standing up. “I have to go.”
Harriet’s heart was pounding in her chest, and she could barely hear herself speak. “I made you your lunch.”
She quickly grabbed the pail off the counter and held it out to him. He looked down at her, and then at the pail.
“I don’t want it.”
“You…you don’t want it?”’
Tears welled in Harriet’s eyes as she could feel the anger coming off him. He nodded, reaching for the door. “That’s what I said. I eat at the café.”
And with that, the door slammed shut behind him, and Harriet’s fingers let go of the pail, letting it fall to the floor with a clatter as it rolled away from her.
She just didn’t know what she had done wrong. Nothing. She knew she had done nothing wrong, and that the reason he was angry was because she had lied to him about her limp. If only she had told him before he’d paid for her to come here. Harriet sat down in the middle of the floor, and pulled her legs to her chest, her shoulders shaking while she cried. How she wished she could just go home.
Chapter 20
Matthew felt terrible. He didn’t know why he’d become so upset with her before leaving the house again.
It had started when she’d woken him from where he’d fallen asleep at the table. There was something about her touch that sent chills right through him. He had never felt anything like it before and he knew what it was.
He’d jumped away from her as if she was a monster, and he could see the pain he’d inflicted on her as he slammed the door.
If only he could tell her that it wasn’t her fault—it was his. That he was afraid of loving, and that it was nothing she’d done.
What is wrong with me? Matthew repeated the words over and over again as he walked to town.
His work day was slow, and he hardly got anything done. Mr. Tysen seemed to notice something was bothering him. Because halfway through the day, he placed a hand on Matthew’s shoulders and said, “Go home, boy. You look like you’re coming down with something. Get some rest.”
Matthew had nodded, knowing he was more in the way today than helpful. “Thank you, Mr. Tysen.”
He grabbed his hat off the hook and stepped outside into the warm, sunny day. The opposite of how he felt. He began walking in the direction away from home, toward a creek just outside of town. He splashed some of the cold water onto his face, before lying down on the grass and closing his eyes.
He couldn’t stop himself from sleeping. He’d been three days without it, and he wasn’t able to stop himself from slipping into sleep.
“Get away from me,” he yelled at her, and she fell to the ground, tears streaming down her face. “I don’t love you. I don’t love you. I don’t love you.”
With each time he said this, she sank farther and farther down, sobbing as she did.
Matthew lurched awake, his heart racing as he sat up and remembered where he was. Something was wrong with him, but he also knew there was nothing he could do to fix it. Looking out at the water bubbling over the rocks next to him, he frowned as he threw a stone in and it splashed before sinking.
What am I going to do? He threw another rock. And then another. He wouldn’t leave until he figured this out.
* * *
Harriet had gotten herself off the floor a few hours ago, and had cleaned up from breakfast before taking her sketchbook and drawing supplies outside. She’d gone into the trees behind the house just a little way in because she knew she would get lost otherwise.
She found a fallen tree that had a lot of shade around it from the thick canopy of leaves above. Sitting down, she opened her sketchbook to a blank page and began to draw the trees around her.
Somehow, by the time she’d finished her drawing, the trees’ branches seemed darker and sharper than they really were. And the shadows around them were darker too. Harriet knew she was drawing parts of how she felt, and she was okay w
ith this.
Besides, she thought, it looks better this way. It looks more realistic.
Standing, she followed the path she had taken before back to the house and began to prepare supper.
She knew she just had to keep herself busy. Harriet realized that was all she had been doing lately. Keeping herself busy. She wondered if she would have to do this her whole life. She assumed she and Matthew would get married soon, and he would continue to act like this.
She was trapped.
Chapter 21
It had been a week since Matthew’s outburst at her for touching his shoulder, and Harriet was absolutely exhausted. She was hardly sleeping anymore, and she had lost all motivation to draw. Her sketchbook had remained untouched for the last week.
She sat alone on the floor next to the fireplace, her knees drawn to her chest as she stared at the table in front of her.
She was alone again, as Matthew had just left without even saying a word to her this morning.
Harriet had another day of distracting herself ahead of her. She looked down at her right leg and pulled her skirt up to reveal her slightly twisted ankle. She stared at it, willing it to go away. Willing it to just be a dream.
If it wasn’t for her leg, she knew Matthew would treat her different. She just knew it.
The rest of the day dragged on, until finally the children returned home.
“Where is Uncle Matthew?” George asked her, looking up from his homework.
Harriet looked to where supper was finished and staying warm on the stove. “I don’t know, dear. He’s usually home by now, isn’t he?”
George nodded, looking to the door.
Harriet assumed Matthew would be home for supper. She knew Nathaniel wouldn’t be since he’d left this morning for the big city, Oakensville, to deliver and pick up some supplies for the ranch he worked at and would be gone for a few more days.
“He’s probably just running late,” Isabella explained, closing her book.
“Well, we will eat in ten minutes if he hasn’t arrived by then.”
Harriet looked out the window at the road she expected the wagon to come down. But after a while, she sighed and turned to the children who were all eagerly waiting at the table.
“I guess we will eat without him. He’ll be here soon I’m sure.”
They ate quietly, and Harriet was sure the children were worried about their uncle and were also missing their papa.
Harriet had to admit to herself, she was worried about Matthew too, even though he hadn’t exactly been nice to her lately. She did think he was a generally good person, and the children seemed to absolutely adore him. And he was great with them too.
After they’d finished supper and everything was cleared up, the children all were looking out the window, watching for Matthew but he didn’t come. Finally, Harriet decided she had to send them to bed. It was dark out now, and past time for them to be asleep. They had school tomorrow, and she didn’t want them to be too tired.
“I think you children should get off to bed. Matthew will be in soon, I promise.”
They all frowned as they made their way up to the loft where they silently got ready for bed. Harriet said good night to them, then took their place by the window, but she couldn’t see him coming down the worn dirt track. It was too dark out to see by now anyway.
It was quiet in the house, other than the crackling of the fire and the sound of the children stirring every now and then. With each hour that passed, Harriet’s worry for Matthew grew even more.
She didn’t understand why she was worried about him, after how he’d been treating her for the last few weeks. But she was drawn to him, and maybe that’s why she felt so hurt by his distance.
After a few hours had passed, Harriet stood with a sigh. She couldn’t just wait for him. This didn’t seem like Matthew, and maybe something had happened.
She quickly climbed up the ladder and quietly knelt down next to Isabella’s bed where she lay sound asleep. “Isabella?” Harriet whispered.
The child’s eyes opened wide, and she sat up instantly.
“Don’t worry. Everything’s all right. I’m just telling you that I’m going into town to look for your uncle.”
“He’s not back yet?”
Harriet shook her head. “No, but I’m sure he’s all right. I just want to know where he is. Are you okay to stay here by yourselves for a bit?”
“Yes, we’ll be fine.”
“Okay, I’ll be back soon.” Harriet made her way back down the ladder and she grabbed her wool shawl off the hook and wrapped it around her.
Opening the door, she felt her heart begin to race. She never did like going outside at night because it felt so dark out here. And now, she was about to walk to town, by herself, in the dark. She knew it was going to be terrifying, but she couldn’t stop herself from heading in the direction of town.
Walking quickly was never something she was good at, especially on uneven ground like this one, but she was desperate to get to town. Mostly because she was afraid of getting eaten by a wild animal.
It seemed even darker than normal, and she looked up at the sky where she realized the clouds were covering the moon. No wonder it was so dark.
With a shudder, she continued slowly in the direction of town.
The cool wind rustled the grass beside her and she began to shake. Not from the cold, but fear. Why on earth was she out in the middle of nowhere in the dark? She realized at this moment that this may have not been the best of ideas.
There was no turning back now, though, since she was already halfway there.
After what felt like forever, she could see some of the town’s buildings lit up still and she practically ran the rest of the way there, trying to go as fast as her limp would allow her.
First, she went up the steps to the blacksmith where the doors were shut. She pressed her face against the window but couldn’t see anyone.
Looking across the road, there was light coming from the living quarters behind the mercantile. She rushed over, and knocked on the door, her hands trembling.
The door opened, and Mr. Ryson smiled down at her. “Miss Wigg? What are you doing here so late?”
“I was just wondering if you had seen Matthew today?”
“Well no, now that I think about it, I haven’t seen him.”
“He hasn’t come home yet, and I’m a little worried.”
Mr. Ryson frowned, opening the door wider. “Come on in, Miss Wigg. Mr. Tysen is here having some coffee. I’m sure he’ll know where he is.”
Harriet nodded, eagerly following Mr. Ryson to the table where Mr. Tysen was sitting. She was sure he would know, since Matthew had come in to work for him today.
“Miss Wigg was wondering if you knew where Mr. Anderson is.”
Mr. Tysen turned to her, his eyebrows raised. “I haven’t any idea, Miss Wigg. He didn’t come in this morning. I thought maybe he wasn’t feeling well again.”
“But he…he.” Harriet felt her heart lurch as she stepped back. “He left the house this morning to come into work.”
“And he hasn’t been home?” Mr. Tysen stood, the chair scraping on the floor as he did.
“No. I’m worried about him.”
“Yes, this doesn’t sound like his typical behaviour. He’s not the type to just disappear without telling someone. I think we should get a search party, Mr. Ryson.”
Harriet stood helplessly by the door, her whole body shaking. What if something had happened to him?
“You stay here, Miss Wigg. It will be all right.” Mr. Ryson gave her a small smile, before grabbing his jacket off the hook. “Sadie! Come downstairs, please.”
Harriet heard footsteps on the stairs, and as Sadie entered the room, Mr. Ryson and Mr. Tysen shut the door behind them.
“Harriet? What’s going on?”
“Oh, Sadie,” Harriet’s voice broke as tears welled in her eyes. “Matthew has gone missing.”
Chapter 22
&nb
sp; Harriet had never experienced time go by this slowly before, and she hoped she would never have to again. It felt like she was constantly going to be sick.
The men had rung the church bell and a group of men had arrived to help. Harriet now sat motionless on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, with Sadie sitting next to her.
“Would you like some tea, Harriet?”
“No, thank you.”
“What about some water?”
“I don’t want anything right now, Sadie.”
Harriet covered her face with her hands and sighed as Sadie reached to pull her into a hug and as she did, Harriet let herself cry.
She didn’t really understand why she was so upset, after how Matthew had treated her, but there was something about him Harriet loved. What that was, she had no idea. But there had been times throughout the last few weeks where Harriet thought she’d seen him showing interest in her. Those times hadn’t lasted long, though, because Matthew seemed to pull away every time.
Harriet just prayed he would be all right, just so she could sort everything out between them. She knew the two of them should have talked about what was going on, but now, Harriet feared it was too late.
* * *
The door opened, and Harriet jumped out of her seat. Mr. Ryson stepped in, and gave Harriet a sad look. “We found him. He’s alive, but badly hurt.”
At those words, Harriet’s stomach sank and she felt her legs begin to shake. Sadie wrapped her arm around her, and Harriet was grateful for her friend’s support.
“What…what happened?”
“We found him just a little off the road on the way to town from your place. He was on the ground in front of the wagon which was rolled on its side behind some bushes. You wouldn’t have seen it in the dark.”
Harriet's Hope Page 7
