by Dixon, Ruby
“And were you?” I’m both horrified and fascinated by what he’s telling me. “Given a female?”
The look he gives me is wry. “No. They lied. They always lied. But we strove to be the best anyhow, because what if this one time, it was truth?” He shrugs. “So we were told. Sometimes it was women, sometimes it was better sleeping quarters. All clones are told that if they reach the age of forty, they might ask for the chance to win their freedom, so that was yet another thing to strive for. I never knew of a clone that lived that long, but others spoke of it often, so it must be true, yes?”
I ache for him. I can’t imagine being constantly given a carrot only to have it pulled away again. I can’t imagine hoping to live to forty to be able to buy your freedom. Slavery is so wrong and awful, and to have it casually spoken of by this strong, capable man guts me. “Did no one ever fight for you? To free you?”
“Clones are not important enough for such things.” His smile is faint.
Funny how all these space-faring races are supposed to be so smart and enlightened and yet they’re trading in people like we’re cattle. I shake my head, remembering that I was purchased—just like all these other women—to be someone’s slave, too. It makes me have a new appreciation for this icy planet, because we’re safe from that shit here.
Thrand continues after a moment. “Sometimes, when an owner feels like the clone cannot be properly compelled, he is dedicated.”
This isn’t the first time I’ve heard the word “dedicated” come from his lips, but I’m confused by what he’s saying. “What do you mean?”
He spreads his hands. “We are dedicated. There are programs—chips, sometimes—that can be implanted to give mental suggestions. When I was a soldier, I was ‘dedicated’ to one particular base and its defense. My one goal—my only goal—was to protect it at all costs. Nothing mattered to me except that base. I lived and breathed to defend it. And when the task was completed and Vordis and I were sold, our new master had that programming removed. I remember feeling so empty and hollow after it was gone. Like everything that had meant anything to me was suddenly gone. It was a very…dark feeling.” He casts a look over at me. “But no one cares how a clone feels.”
I shake my head, shocked by what he’s telling me. “Someone went in and planted subliminal messages in your mind?”
“If that is what your people call it, yes.”
“That’s so wrong.” It’s such a violation. I’m shocked he can speak so calmly about it.
“It is the reality of being a clone.” He glances over at me again. “I was dedicated again before I arrived here.”
My belly clenches in a funny way. “Oh?”
“To Angie and her unborn child.”
I stare at him, feeling as if the world has tilted around me. “You’re joking.”
“I am not. From the moment I awoke, her well-being has been my primary goal. To let her or her child get hurt or sick would mean I had failed in my duty and that I should destroy myself. That is how I felt when I awoke, at least.” He touches his chest, his expression thoughtful. “I think my khui is interfering with my dedication, though. When I first arrived I could think of nothing but Angie and her child. Yet as each day passes, I feel less and less strongly for her. I will always watch out for her, of course, and for Glory. But my feelings for her are not the same as Vordis’s feelings. He told me once that his world would be over if she had chosen another male. I do not feel like that, though. At all.” He turns to look at me. “He loves her. I do not.”
The words are simple but they echo through my body, over and over again. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I want you to understand me.” His mouth crooks in a half smile. “And because you are angry at me over this.”
“I’m not,” I protest. I can feel my cheeks get hot. Ridiculous that he thinks I’m mad over Angie. She’s the nicest, sweetest woman and she has a baby—and a mate.
“You think you are second in her eyes,” he continues. “And I am trying to tell you that you are not.”
A hot little thrill races through me at his words. I say nothing. It feels too new, too fragile. I still don’t know what to think or even if I believe him…but it feels good to hear the words, strangely enough.
“I am not good at explaining how I feel,” Thrand continues. “A clone is used to being told how he should feel, or having it implanted in his mind. I am used to being seen as the same as Vordis. That we are one and the same. It is difficult for me to realize sometimes that I do not have to think as he does, that I do not have to act as he does. That I can be Thrand, and not just an a’ani.” He looks thoughtful. “Sometimes it is difficult, but I forced myself to think about what it is I truly want.” He shrugs. “And now I know, and my path is easy.”
“What is it you want?” I ask, curious.
He looks at me with blazing blue eyes, absurdly bright against his red skin. “You.”
I’m both flattered and frustrated. “You said you weren’t going to hit on me, Thrand. Don’t do this.”
“You asked. I am simply telling you. I am not acting on it.”
I relax a little at that. “Fair enough.” Just because he pushes doesn’t mean I have to respond. “My answer is still no, by the way.”
“I respect that, but I am also curious as to why. Am I not strong and handsome?” He lifts his chin at me. “You like the way I look. I see you watching me.”
“I watch everybody,” I deflect.
“Not the way you watch me.”
I roll my eyes. “I didn’t join you out here because I wanted you to obsessively hit on me, Thrand.”
“I will never hit you,” he says, misunderstanding me. “But I will tell you how I feel. Why is it so unappealing to you that I want you as my mate? Is it because I am a clone? Does that make me unworthy in your eyes?”
“Absolutely not. If I was going to hook up with anyone here, it’d probably be your arrogant ass.” I smile even as I say the words. “I just happen to object to the whole concept that I need a man to take care of me. When I get together with someone, I want it to be because I want to, not because I feel like I have to.”
“And right now you feel you have to?” he asks, his expression thoughtful.
I gesture around us. “It’s not exactly equality central on this planet. I have to have a man go hunting with me. Every unmated man looks at us like we’re pieces of meat. Everyone here just acts like it’s a matter of time before I resonate to someone and it’s rather unsettling. I kind of just want to be me and only me for a while. Get my head figured out before I have to start thinking about anyone else.”
Thrand nods wisely. “This makes sense.”
“Does it? Good.” I exhale, relieved. That was a surprisingly easy conversation to have with him. I thought of all the people on the beach, he’d be the most resistant to the thought that I want to figure out my own shit before I take on anyone else’s.
“Can I ask one more thing?”
I gesture at him, indicating he can.
“You said a kiss means nothing, yet you will not kiss me.”
I groan, looking up to the heavens. I should have known this was too easy. “Seriously, Thrand?”
“It is a serious question.”
I laugh, and when he doesn’t smile, I realize just how serious he is. I immediately sober, wondering if this is one of those weird moments where our worlds don’t line up. Is he asking because he’s genuinely curious or is he asking because he thinks he can somehow talk me into kissing? I watch his expression and realize he’s probably pretty darn serious. Okay, then. I tug on my furry hood, a little uncomfortable at the question—and at his nearness. “Your people don’t kiss?”
“My people are clones.”
“I mean space people in general.” I gesture widely. “All space people.”
He shrugs. “A clone is not raised to expect affection or a mate.”
Okay, he’s really going to make me feel sorry for clo
nes, damn it. I don’t want to pity-kiss the guy, though. I want to kiss him because it actually means something to the both of us.
I also hate that I’m even thinking about kissing him. It’s ridiculous. I’m not interested…am I? I glance over at him and hate that I notice that his mouth is full and firm when he’s not smiling, and he’s got soft-looking lips. Damn it.
“If you are asking about other space-faring races, I do not think most of them kiss, either. There are many stringent sanitary laws designed to prevent the transfer of communicable diseases from one race to a more vulnerable one.”
For some reason, I find that very sad. No one kisses in space? No one knows how good it feels to cup your lover’s cheek and twine your tongue with theirs? “We can’t get diseases here,” I point out absently. Now I’m thinking about Thrand’s mouth and his tongue, and what it’d be like to kiss him.
“Which is why I am so fascinated at how freely your people kiss…and yet you do not kiss me.”
I’m getting flustered, pretending to focus on my spear. “You don’t just go around kissing people.”
“Why not? You said a kiss means nothing.” I can feel his curious gaze on me.
I lick my lips…and then I’m intensely aware of the fact that I just licked my lips. Now I’m ultra-obsessed with lips or something. “It’s hard to explain.”
Thrand keeps speaking, his voice low and intimate and doing odd things to my belly. “That night we played the game with the bone, those were the first times I had ever been kissed or touched with affection by a female. I cannot stop thinking of that game.”
Now I’m thinking about it, too. Who all did Thrand kiss that night? How many?
Why am I stupidly jealous?
“Oh?” I manage.
“They were my first, but the only one I enjoyed was yours. The others were…wet and uncomfortable.” He touches his mouth. “I did not like it. One female tried to push her tongue into my mouth and I pulled away.” Thrand looks concerned. “Perhaps she did not know how to do it right, either.”
Now I really, really want to know who tried to slip him some tongue. My jealousy is gone, though, replaced with an odd sort of sympathetic yearning. Poor Thrand. His first kisses and he thought they were unpleasant. It almost makes me want to kiss him to show how good a kiss can really be. Almost. “Maybe you just don’t like kissing.”
“I liked yours.” The look he gives me is so intense it nearly takes my breath away. “I cannot stop thinking about your kiss.”
Our eyes meet—khui blue on khui blue—and for a weird, tense moment, I wonder if we’re going to resonate right here, right now. Nothing happens, though. It’s just a strange moment, and my heart thumps heavily in my chest, and I’m left feeling…disappointed?
“I’m not kissing you today,” I tell him, breathless.
“Tomorrow?”
He sounds so hopeful that I can’t help but laugh at his eternal optimism. “Probably not tomorrow, either.”
A sly look crosses Thrand’s face. “I bet I can get you to kiss me soon.”
I just laugh harder. “It’s always a contest with you.”
6
NADINE
When I get back to camp, I'm shocked to see Penny lying in her furs, her foot heavily wrapped and elevated.
"Oh my god. What happened?" I ask, crouching beside her. "Are you all right?"
Penny sits up on her elbows, grimacing. "It's actually not too bad. Better than it was. You should have seen the bone sticking out before Veronica got her hands on it." Her expression is a little dazed, her eyes odd looking.
"Are you okay?"
She gives me a dopey smile. "I got some tea to help with the pain. I can't tell if I'm tripping balls or just really sleepy. Everything's kind of wobbly."
"Lie back down," I command her. "Just rest, okay?" I help her ease into the blankets and carefully adjust them around her. "Do you need anything?"
"Naaaaaah." Penny gives me a bleary smile, her eyes closed. "S'all good."
"How did you hurt your ankle fishing?" It seems to me that fishing's the safest way to hunt, and it also sounds like her ankle was a hugely ugly mess before the healer got involved. Something's not adding up.
"O'jek and I'rec were trying to show me how to throw the nets, but it turned into a pissing contest between them to see who could throw it farther," she tells me sleepily. "Next thing I know, I'm like fifteen or twenty feet away from them, waiting for them to come back and something wrapped around my ankle and bit. It dragged me under and no one even noticed." Her voice is utterly calm, dopey with the influence of the tea.
My heart feels as if it stops. "How…how'd you break free?"
"I didn't," she says, and a smile curls her tired mouth. "I thought I was going to die, and then the next thing I know, this big guy with enormous horns is there, pulling me out of the water with one hand and strangling some sea monster in his other hand."
"R'jaal?" I guess.
"S'bren," Penny tells me, and her voice sounds dreamy.
"S'bren?" I echo, surprised. Every time I've spoken to Penny before, she's been mildly annoyed by S'bren's crush. He's quiet and weird, she's told me before, and he never talks to her. Just lurks around the corners and watches her. I shouldn't be surprised that he was the one to save her. The only thing that surprises me is the sweetness in Penny's voice when she mentions his name.
"He saved me," she says in that sleepy, dreamy voice. "He took me to shore and checked me over and made sure that I was okay. He was so worried about me, Nadine, you should have seen it. Then he went out and attacked O'jek and I'rec for ignoring me. It was the sweetest thing. Then I think he realized I was still hurting, so he took me right up to see Veronica. He practically sprinted across the beach. It was so cute."
"It sounds like he's got a crush," I tease her. "I'm glad you're okay."
"S'bren was so sweet," she tells me, her words slowing as sleep takes over her once more. "I thought he was annoying and strange but he's…real nice. Attentive." She yawns hugely again. "He's bringing me dinner later."
I tuck the blankets higher around her. "You rest," I say. "Get some sleep. I'll stay nearby so just call me if you hurt or need anything."
She nods, and when I go to get up, she grabs my hand. "Do you…do you think it's weird if I maybe see where his crush goes?" Penny asks me, her eyes unfocused but open. "Am I a bad person if I do? We didn't resonate but…I still think I like him."
I pat her hand. "Girl, if I have learned one thing about being here, it's that everyone is totally okay with pleasure-mates. I think he would love that, and if that's what you want, I say go for it."
"I just…don't wanna be…ice planet ho."
"You're not a ho."
"But Bridget," she protests sleepily. "Everyone looks at her like she's a problem. All she did was fool around, you know? She didn't know it would be bad. She was just…kicking the tires before buying."
I'm pretty sure Bridget's kicking the tires again in private, but Penny's too tired for gossip. "It's a new planet. We make our own rules." I pat her hand again. "Get some sleep. We can talk more in the morning."
She drifts off again, her hand going limp in mine, and I watch her sleep for a few minutes, my brain whirling. Have I been a little hard on Bridget? Penny's right, all she did was kick the tires, so to speak. If we were back on Earth, no one would care that she hooked up with a guy and then didn't date him. Or marry him. Stuff like that happens all the time. It's not her fault that A'tam got attached right away.
Penny's question also makes me wonder about my weird not-quite-flirting with Thrand. Have I been holding back on actually seeing where things lead because I've seen how things went with Bridget and A'tam? I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want to have him freak out if things don't go right. I certainly don't want the entire tribe to look at me like it's my fault that it wasn't love at first sight.
I need to do better.
Bridget did nothing wrong. Maybe she overcorrected a
little hard, but how would I act if my hook-up suddenly declared me his property? I'd probably freak the fuck out, too. I make a mental note to go talk to her, to let her know that I support her a thousand percent. That she's not the problem and I'll correct anyone that says otherwise.
And I think about Thrand.
I do like him. I think he's sexy as hell. He makes me laugh. I even find his odd mixture of arrogance and innocence appealing.
But I've never made a move. Acted like it was the worst idea ever, all because I don't want to end up in a situation like Bridget. But what if Thrand and I get on the same page? What if we agree to just kick the tires a bit and see where things go?
I did not like kissing the others. I only liked your kiss.
I touch my lips, wondering what it'd be like to really, truly kiss him.
* * *
THRAND
I wake up the next morning bright and early, eager to start the day. Yesterday was a fine day, spent in Nadine's company, and I want more like that. After Angie advised me of trickery, I followed her hunting party out into the snows, and I half-expected her to be angry with me or chase me away once more. Instead, she stayed at my side and talked to me. We hunted for the rest of the afternoon together, checking and re-setting traps, walking side by side, and I made her laugh many times.
I went home that night, aching and full of need thanks to my unruly cock, but I have no regrets. If it aches and stiffens whenever Nadine is around, I will gladly endure it just to be in her presence. Just listening to her laughter or seeing her dark skin gleam in the sunlight is worth everything. So I wake up and dress in my hunting leathers, grabbing my pack as I head out of my hut. It is the hut she declined, but perhaps someday soon she will no longer say no and join me in it. Perhaps one day soon, I will wake up with her in my furs, her limbs twined with mine.
