Chapter Eleven
The children and I found Granny holding court at the big table in the middle of Buck’s Diner. As usual, she was wearing her bright blue Boise State Football sweatshirt. Bess sat on her left, wearing a long gray dress, and Zeke Roberson was on her right, in khakis and a blue jacket. Flo from the hair salon was there too of course, and Buck hovered over all of them, dishtowel slung over his shoulder, filling up coffee and grabbing used plates.
But in addition to the usual crowd, there were two people at the table who weren’t normally there: Stank, of Stank’s Hardware, and Cup, of Cup’s Cakes, the dessert business next door. Years ago, Stank and Cup had a torrid affair, and now, seeing the two of them holding hands and laughing, I knew the romance was still alive.
When Granny saw me, she stood up and started clapping. “She did it, everybody! My granddaughter not only woke up early enough on a Sunday morning to go to church, she did it with three kids in tow! Buck, do you think she could get your Medal of Honor for that?”
Word on the street was that Buck had won the Medal of Honor saving his platoon in a firefight in Vietnam, but nobody had ever seen the award, and Buck never talked about it. Today was no exception. He just laughed and poured a fresh cup of coffee for Stank.
I handed Celia to Bess, who started rocking her like she’d been doing it her whole life, then I grabbed extra chairs for Dominic and Lucy. “And to put that accomplishment in proper perspective,” I said, “Dominic only shot our mayor with one spitwad during today’s service.”
Granny slapped the table. “He didn’t!”
Dominic made a face, then got on his tiptoes and whispered in my ear.
“Correction," I said. "He shot our mayor with two spitwads during today’s service.”
The entire table howled with laughter, and Buck lost it as well. He rubbed Dominic’s hair and said, “I think free pancakes for the children are in order!”
Stank objected to that. “You mean to say all this time, all I’ve had to do to get free pancakes was shoot Wilma in the head with a spitwad?”
The table erupted in laughter again. Dominic leaned over to Lucy and remarked, “Old people sure laugh a lot”—to which Lucy replied, “It’s because they’ve watched all the episodes of SpongeBob.”
While Lucy and Dominic started coloring on their paper placemats with the crayons Buck set out for them, I took a long, slow sip of Buck’s terrible dark roasted coffee. Especially on a day like today, even Buck’s coffee was better than no coffee.
Then I set my eyes on Granny. “I assume you know why I’m here?”
Granny folded her hands somberly. “But of course. We heard a body was found down at Bubba’s. Which means we’ve got a murder to investigate.” She pounded her fist on the table like it was a gavel. “Zeke, get the ketchup!”
It had become sort of a tradition that the brain trust at Buck’s Diner would get the first crack at unwrapping the mystery of Hopeless’s latest murder—using condiments, of course. Zeke laid the ketchup bottle on its side to represent the murder victim, and he and Flo assembled a variety of other condiments to represent potential suspects.
Buck reappeared, slid the Hangover Special in front of me, and set two plates of pancakes in front of Lucy and Dominic. I stuffed a piece of bacon in my mouth, poured maple syrup on Lucy’s and Dominic’s plates, and we were ready to go.
“First order of business,” said Granny. “Is the rumor true? Is it Wanda?”
I nodded. “Yes. That’s what Bubba and Mary thought, and now Dr. Bridges has confirmed it.”
Flo made the sign of the cross and closed her eyes.
“Any chance it was an accident?” Zeke asked.
I shook my head. “She was stabbed.”
Cup looked sideways at the kids. “Do you really think we should be discussing this around the children?”
Dominic and Lucy were too busy attacking their buttermilk pancakes to even look up. “I’m pretty sure they’re both halfway to a sugar-induced coma by now. They’re fine,” I said. I took a bite of my own pancakes. “Plus, last night I told them a story called ‘Godzilla Versus Dominic’s Old Dead Arm,’ and they slept like babies. So I don’t think this kind of thing fazes them.”
Flo leaned forward. “So is the other rumor true then? Did the boy really find the body?”
“He found an arm. Next to hitting the mayor in the head with spitwads, it was the greatest accomplishment of his life.”
“So who are the suspects?” asked Zeke, looking anxious to start deploying the salt and pepper shakers into our crime scene re-enactment.
“I think you have to start with Bubba and Mary Riley,” I said.
“No way,” said Cup.
Granny raised a finger. “Cup, I know you’re new to the murder investigation biz, but Hope’s right. No one is off limits.”
“But they knew Wanda forever,” Cup protested. “The basically started the pumpkin patch together.”
Buck filled Stank’s coffee. “That means they really knew Wanda. And from what I remember, Wanda wasn’t always the easiest woman to get along with.”
I dipped my toast into my eggs and pointed it at Buck. “And Bubba and Mary guessed it was Wanda immediately,” I added.
Granny nodded. “Okay, Zeke, Bubba and Mary Riley are the first two suspects. Do the honors.”
With a smile, Zeke moved the salt and pepper into position.
“Okay, who else would be a suspect?” I asked.
Cup shrugged. “Wanda didn’t spend much time in town. She lived at the pumpkin patch, she worked at the pumpkin patch. It was her life.”
Flo and Granny exchanged an odd look, then Flo said, “I agree. I would think the suspects would come from the pumpkin patch.”
“That doesn’t narrow it down much,” said Stank. “Hundreds of people work there part- time during the fall.”
“Okay,” said Granny, “we need something to represent—”
Buck pointed at her. “Don’t make any cracks about my meatloaf.” In a previous investigation, Granny had suggested we use some of Buck’s tasteless meatloaf to represent the anonymous killer.
“Fine. Then we’ll just imagine Buck’s tasteless meatloaf on the table representing any one of the hundred or so part-time employees who work at the pumpkin patch every year. But they wouldn’t be my prime suspects. Buck’s wrong about his meatloaf, but he’s right about Wanda: she wasn’t the easiest gal to get along with. The more time you spent with her, the more likely you were to murder her.”
“So you suspect one of the full-time employees?” I asked.
“Exactly,” said Granny.
“How about Kip Granger?” Stank said. “He’s run the farm at Bubba’s for years. And he can be a bit crusty at times.”
“Zeke, you got anything for crusty Farmer Granger?”
Zeke dutifully cut the crust off his toast and laid it next to the salt and pepper.
“Lucinda Meadows runs Bubba’s food operation,” said Cup.
“Hasn’t she become something of a minor celebrity for her baking?” Flo asked.
Cup rolled her eyes. “For her donuts. If you call that baking.”
“Oh, I had those donuts,” I said. “They’re really, really good.”
Cup rolled her eyes again.
“What’s with all the eye-rolling, Cup?” Granny asked. “You a fifteen-year-old girl all of a sudden?”
“It’s a baking thing. you wouldn’t understand.”
Now it was Granny who rolled her eyes. “Zeke, find something for Lucinda Meadows.”
Buck threw Zeke a half-eaten donut from a plate, and Zeke set it on the table.
“There’s also Johnny Driscoll, who runs all the computers at Bubba’s,” Flo said. “I’ve done his mom’s hair a few times. She’s pretty weird, and I get the idea that her son is even weirder. He still lives with her, you know.”
Zeke set a bottle of horseradish sauce on the table.
“What’s weird about horseradish?” Buck
asked.
“What’s not weird about it?” Zeke replied. “What’s in it, anyway? Horses? Radishes?”
Now that all the condiment suspects were assembled, the investigation could begin.
“Here’s what we know,” I said. “According to Bubba and Mary, Wanda ran off about three years ago, but they said that wasn’t unusual. They admitted they often got into fights, and Wanda had run off a few times in the past. When she didn’t return, they just assumed she’d left for good this time. But apparently not. Dr. Bridges found a knife blade broken off in between her ribs.”
Flo pointed at Dominic, who was still deliriously slopping up Buck’s buttermilk pancakes. “The boy found her in the pumpkin patch itself?”
“Yep. While the other kids were selecting pumpkins, Dominic here found some human remains.”
“Then wouldn’t that point to Kip Granger, the farm manager?” said Flo.
Granny stroked her chin. “So you think for some reason Farmer Granger and Wanda got into it. He stabs her in a fury, then buries her in the pumpkin patch to hide the body. I guess it makes sense.”
“Does it though?” Zeke asked. “Why would he bury her right there in the pumpkin patch? He’d have to know that someday some kid rummaging through there would find the body.”
“Killers do dumb things all the time,” I said.
“I agree with Zeke,” said Stank. “I think Kip’s too smart for that.”
“Oh?” said Cup. “Because he’s a man?”
Stank hesitated as if caught in a trap. Then he relaxed, smiled, and said, “Precisely.” He kissed Cup on the cheek, and she blushed.
“Okay,” I said, “so some of you think it was Farmer Granger because the body was found in the pumpkin patch and some of you think it couldn’t have possibly been Farmer Granger because the body was found in the pumpkin patch. We’re off to a great start. Any other theories?”
I looked around the table, but everybody had the same look on their face. Stumped. Well, except for Flo, whose mind seemed to be somewhere else altogether.
I sighed. “A lot of good Buck’s Diner was with this murder investigation.” I stood, took one last bite of my pancakes, and grabbed Celia from Bess.
“You’ve got to give us more than a dead body in a pumpkin field,” said Granny. “We need more evidence!”
“And if I get you more evidence…”
“We’ll crack this case wide open. Yesirreebob!”
I laughed. “Thank you, Granny.” I kissed her on the cheek. “For paying for my breakfast today. And thanks Buck, as always. Come on, kids. Time to go make your house look presentable before your mom and dad get home.”
As Dominic slid from his seat, I could see he was hiding something in his palm.
“Dominic?” I said.
“Yes, Aunt Hope.”
“You can have one shot before we leave the diner. But remember to make it count.”
He grinned, took the straw from his palm, held it to his lips, and let loose. A perfect paper projectile launched through the air and nailed Granny on her glasses.
Granny howled. “Why, you good-for-nothing!” A plastic cup came right for my head, and I barely ducked in time.
“Hurry up, kids!” I shouted. “She moves quick for an old lady!”
Chapter Twelve
As soon as we got into the minivan, Granny came out of the diner shaking her fist and yelling. Dominic thought it was awesome. So did I. I could tell Granny wasn’t angry in the least; she just knew chasing Dominic and carrying on would make it a thrill. As usual, Granny was right. We laughed all the way home.
I gotta be honest, watching Katie’s kids for the weekend was not as terrible as I thought it would be. The little boogers grew on me. And I was excited to see Katie and tell her I had survived.
But I hadn’t expected to see her so soon. When I arrived at Katie and Chris’s house, Chris’s car was parked in the driveway, and Katie was sitting on the steps out front.
She did not look happy.
I pulled Celia out of her car seat and walked tentatively toward Katie. “Hi! I didn’t expect you back yet.”
She grabbed Celia from my arms and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Well, my stupid husband had a massive craft beer hangover and I had already gotten my free breakfast, so I figured what the hell, how about I go home and surprise my children and my new old friend?”
“And you showed up and we weren’t at the house and that was terribly disappointing?”
Katie leaned down and kissed Lucy on the top of the head. “No, Hope, that’s not it.”
“The house is a little dirtier than you expected?”
Katie glared. “Nope. It looks like someone even ran a vacuum.”
“Now, Katie…”
Katie grabbed Dominic by the shoulders and stepped closer to me, her breath hot, her eyes a little scary. “Don’t you ‘now Katie’ me.”
“I can explain.”
“How can you possibly explain that my five-year-old son FOUND A DEAD BODY?”
“How did you hear?”
“How did I hear? My boy finds a dead body and your question is how did I hear?”
Dominic tugged on her shirt. “No, Mama, I didn’t find a dead body. I just found the arm.”
Katie covered her face with her hands. “Please tell me he didn’t just say that.”
“Katie,” I said, “I have to say I’m on Dominic’s side on this one. Under the circumstances, I think finding the arm is much better than finding the whole body.”
She snapped her head up to glare at me. “You don’t get to vote on this. My son found a dead body!”
“And that word: ‘body.’ I mean, there was no skin or anything like that. Try ‘skeleton’ instead. It sounds so much better.”
“Aunt Hope’s right, Mama. There was no mushy stuff, just bones. It was really cool!”
Katie shook her head and muttered, “Just kill me now.” Then she looked at me. “Hope, he’s going to have nightmares for a year.”
“I don’t think that’s true. He did have a nightmare the first night, but that was before he found the arm. He dreamt that Santa brought him a Barbie. But last night, after he found the arm, he slept like a baby. The kid’s kind of weird.”
“I know he’s kind of weird, Hope, but he didn’t need to go and find a dead body?”
I spread my arms, palms up. “You’re acting like this is my fault. I didn’t want to take the kids to the stupid pumpkin patch. I wanted to lie on the couch and let them watch YouTube videos all day. You’re the one who made me take them to the pumpkin patch.”
Katie glared at me. “And somehow, mysteriously, a dead body just happened to pop up where my boy was looking?”
“Just happened to? No, Katie, I put the human skeleton there when no one was looking—I thought it would be great fun for Dominic to find it all by himself.”
Katie paused, just tapping her foot.
“Listen, Katie, I’m sorry. Nobody is sorrier than me. But it’s not my fault that somebody killed Wanda Wegman and dumped her body in a pumpkin patch.”
“Wanda? From Wanda’s World? My son found Wanda’s arm? Oh my god… this is getting worse with every new detail.”
“Don’t worry, Mama,” said Lucy. “Aunt Hope’s going to find who killed her.”
“What are you talking about?”
“We were just at Buck’s Diner eating breakfast, and they were starting the murder investigation,” Lucy explained.
Katie advanced toward me.
I held up my hands. “In my defense, they were eating thick delicious pancakes and I didn’t think they were listening.”
Katie made the sign of the cross.
“What was that for?”
“I’m in uncharted territory. I figured it couldn’t hurt.” Katie let out a big breath. “Is there anything else I should know about?”
“I think that’s about it. By the way, I kind of love your kids. It wasn’t as terrible as I thought it would be.”
“Except for that. By the way, did you and Chris have fun?”
Katie sighed. “I guess. It was weird more than anything. I think you build it up in your head how great it’s going to be not having to be around your kids… and then your husband goes out and tries thirty different craft beers.”
“So… not quite what you’d hoped for?”
“No, not quite. I mean this dead body thing is a real bonus though. Kids, say goodbye to Aunt Hope. She’s got things to do.”
“You mean investigating murder, right, Mama?” Lucy said.
Katie gave me a weary look. “Why couldn’t you be a dental hygienist or something boring like that?”
“’Cause then margarita night wouldn’t be as fun.”
I gave Celia a kiss on the cheek and Lucy a hug. Then Dominic threw his arms around me and squeezed. “You’re the best babysitter I’ve ever had.”
I felt his hand go into my pocket. “Dominic?”
“Yes?”
“Are you trying to steal my wallet?”
“I saw it in a movie Mom let me watch.”
I gave Katie the stink eye. “And you say I’m the bad influence?”
“I’m allowed. I contributed to his genetic code.” She laughed. “Despite everything that happened… thanks, Hope, for being there.”
Dominic tugged on Katie’s shirt.
She smiled at him. “Yes, Sweetie?”
“Can you tell Aunt Hope’s story tonight?”
“What story would that be?”
“Godzilla Versus Dominic’s Old Dead Arm.”
“It’s a surprisingly cheery story,” I said.
Katie growled. “Run, Hope. Run!”
Three blocks from Katie’s house, the weekend caught up to me. I felt like pulling over right then and there and taking a nap. I knew I should go home to my apartment over the Library, get under my comforter, and binge something on Netflix until I fell asleep.
A Hopeless Discovery Page 7
