by Carian Cole
“Asher…I don’t know how to explain how I feel. Other than, she feels like someone else. For me, sometimes this is like being with someone who’s still in love with their ex and is trying to turn me into her.”
“Christ.” He runs his hand through his hair. “I don’t know what to do. It’s important for you to be around things that are familiar to you, so hopefully it’ll spark your memories. Which it has. I hate that it’s upsetting you at the same time. I’m doing my best, but I’m not perfect. I didn’t know about the chicken.”
“I don’t think I ever mentioned it. Kenzi helped me make a private Instagram account so I could follow her and cute things but not have people recognize me.”
“Now that I know, we won’t eat chicken anymore. I’m down with that.”
“You don’t have to do that. I’m being totally silly—”
“You’re not, Em. This is good. It’s part of your new personality. Getting attached to new things. Hell, I’ll go buy you your own pet chicken if you want one.”
I laugh. “I don’t think I want to go that far. I just can’t eat it without feeling horrible.”
He touches my hand. “I want you to feel comfortable. I know I sound like a broken record. I gotta admit, I’m confused most of the time too. I never know what’s right or wrong, what you’re gonna like or not like.”
I feel bad for him. He truly does try so very hard. None of this is easy on him, either, and I need to remember that.
“The best way I can explain it is that it kinda feels like you’re a widower. And I’m living in the house you shared with her, and you’re feeding me her favorite food, and trying to recreate memories and putting me in all her places.”
His handsome face morphs into a sort of anguished cringe. And guilt. Eyes wide, head shaking slowly back and forth.
“Shit. I don’t want you to feel that way.”
“I’m sorry.” I soften my voice. “I don’t want you to feel bad. You’re trying so hard to make me happy and help me remember. Part of me appreciates that more than I can say, but then another part of me feels like I’m not good enough.”
“You are good enough. I don’t know how to make this better. We can sell the house—get something new with no history attached to it. That’d be a start.”
“No…let’s not do that. Maybe as a very last resort, but not now. I like the house. Your daughter lives right across the street. I don’t want to disrupt your lives anymore than I already have.”
“You’re not a disruption. Not at all.”
“I ruined our date,” I protest.
“Babe.” He takes both my hands in his. “That’s not true. We’re figuring out how to get through this together. We’re learning as we go, and I think as long as we’re patient and honest with each other, we’ll be okay.”
“Do you think so?”
“I do.”
Thank you, teen Ember, for picking a man who doesn’t run away.
“I know it sounds weird, but it’s like the more I start to like you, the more jealous I feel, even though it’s totally irrational.”
His mouth curves into the sexy grin that always makes my heart unexpectedly jump. “You like me?”
Warmth floods to my cheeks, and I look down at our hands with embarrassment before peeking back up at him. “I’m starting to. A lot more than I was expecting to.”
He leans closer and rests his forehead against mine. We close our eyes and breathe softly together, and I finally feel grounded.
I open my eyes to find him staring back.
“I like you too.” His deep voice resonates through every cell of my body. “This you. This beautiful, shy girl right here. No one else. Ever.”
I smile. “How long does ever last?”
His eyes fall closed, and he inhales a deep breath.
“For eternity.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
“You’re the only girl I’m ever gonna love.”
“How long does ever last?”
“Eternity.”
“That’s not gonna be long enough…”
I was fifteen years old the first time I told Ember I loved her and would only, ever, love her.
Everything about that moment is etched into my memories. The pounding of my heart. Her timid smile. Her pink cheeks. The spark of hope in her eyes when she asked me how long ever would last.
I told her eternity, and I meant it.
Ember was shy when she was young. She blushed and giggled and hid behind her bangs when I tried to make eye contact. She was all kinds of adorable innocence. Vulnerable and honest. She intoxicated me. That girl was here with me tonight.
But I also saw glimpses of Ember as she was when she was older. Confident, reassuring me. Being a strong partner when I needed her.
I wish she could see that her old self is here. Not all the time, but in random moments. If there was a way for me to grab on to her and keep her here, I would. But she always disappears in the blink of an eye.
Three a.m. and I’m still wide awake. Thinking too much, as usual.
The pit of my gut aches when I turn to the empty side of the bed. I’d do anything to have her here next to me, not down the hall behind a closed door.
“I can’t believe it took us ten minutes to find a handicapped parking spot. Next time just park anywhere, and I’ll walk. Or you can piggyback me. I’m too old to waste this kind of time,” Gram says from the passenger seat. All five feet of her is in a tizzy.
“You can get groceries delivered right to your house now, ya know,” I tease before hopping out of the car and going around to open the door for her.
She grasps my hand, and I carefully help her out of the Cadillac that she refuses to give up, even though she hasn’t driven in years.
“What fun is having groceries delivered?” She peers up at me from behind the dark sunglasses dwarfing her beautiful, wrinkled face. “I look forward to you coming to take me to the store.”
She links her arm through mine, her other frail hand grasping a cane exactly like the one I bought Ember.
“I’ll visit you every week no matter what. I don’t come just to take you grocery shopping.”
“I know, darling. But as long as I can walk, I’ll do my own shopping. I don’t want a stranger touching my fruit.”
I chuckle as we slowly make our way to the entrance of the store. We probably look like we’re about to rob the place—both of us wearing dark sunglasses and silly hats. Hers a fedora, mine a black cowboy hat. It’s meant to keep shoppers from recognizing me, but the truth is, I wear the hats to see Gram smile when I pick one from my grandfather’s old collection. Last week it was a deep top hat. I’m pretty sure it was the same one Kenzi put her pet rabbit in when she spent weekends at their house as a little girl.
“Let’s each get a motorized cart and race down the aisles,” Gram suggests.
“You want us to get kicked out again?”
Her thin shoulders lift into a shrug. “It was worth it. I miss driving.”
“I’ll buy you a golf cart, and you can zoom around your yard all you want.”
She stares wistfully at the motorized carts.
“Okay.” Smiling, I let out an exaggerated sigh. “You can ride one, but I’m walking next to you.”
“You’re no fun,” she scolds playfully as she picks a cart. I clean it with disinfectant wipes before helping her climb into it.
In under an hour, she takes out two endcap displays of candy and paper towels, piles up fifteen bags of groceries, and insists we get red velvet Frappuccinos from Starbucks on the way home.
A pound of sugar mixed up in a slushy drink and time with my gram are exactly what I needed to pull me out of the slump I’m in today.
When we get back to her house, we’re welcomed by the scent of homemade chili she’s had simmering in the crockpot. My stomach immediately starts to growl like a rabid dog as I put her groceries away, and she gets bowls out for us.
“This looks delicious as always,” I say
when we sit at her kitchen table. “My abs are gonna be obliterated by all this cheese, cornbread, and sugar, though.”
She waves her hand at me. “Nonsense. I was feeding you this before you even had teeth. Your abs will be fine.”
Laughing, I take a bite out of the cornbread and almost lose my mind. Gram’s buttermilk cornbread cooked in a cast-iron skillet is my top comfort food.
Ember loved hers with fresh strawberries and cream when we used to visit Gram years ago.
“You should take some home for Ember.”
I smile across the table. “I was just thinking about that, actually. I’m not sure if she’ll still like it.”
“Why wouldn’t she? It’s been her favorite since she was fifteen years old.”
“She’s different now.” I tell her about our dinner last night and how Ember doesn’t want to eat chicken anymore.
Gram’s mouth falls open. “Is that normal?” she asks. “To dress up a chicken?”
“I don’t think there’s any such thing as normal anymore. But she definitely doesn’t want to eat chicken now that she’s grown attached to one that’s parading around in sweaters.”
She nods. “I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that. I can see why it’d upset her.”
“It’s actually good that she’s caring about things. She’s not as detached. At least now I know. It sucked last night when I realized I gave her a dinner she didn’t want. Not exactly the best way to win your wife over.”
“I don’t think you need food for that, sweetheart.”
I push my empty bowl off to the side. “I dunno, Gram. We’re both lost. She doesn’t consider herself as Ember at all yet. It’s scary how she thinks of herself as a totally different person. She’s jealous of herself and the past we had together.”
“And how do you feel? Do you think of her as Ember?”
Leaning my arms on the table, I stare out the window at the flower gardens for a few moments. “Honestly?” I finally say. “It’s confusing as hell. Because yeah…she’s my wife, and she’s sitting there in our house, and everything feels normal, but then we start talking or doing something, and it’s just not her. Which I expected, but it’s hard. That crazy, intense closeness we had isn’t there. It hits me like a brick—I’m a total stranger to her. Everything we shared is gone. Our memories, our history, our entire foundation is gone. Our life only exists to me now.”
“I don’t think it’s gone, Asher. That kind of love can never be gone. It’s cracked in a lot of places. But I think it’s still there.”
“Sometimes it seems like the cracks are the size of the Grand freakin’ Canyon.”
She laughs. “Trust me, darling. Things will get better. Haven’t I always taught you to focus on the positive? Has it ever failed you?”
I lean back in my chair and grin at her. I love how she’s always right. “Nope. I’m tryin’, Gram. It’s what keeps me going. She’s had a couple memory flashes, and that stuff’s amazing. That’s what I’m holding on to.”
Her eyes light up. “See? That’s a great sign. If some memories are coming, then I’d assume that the rest must be on their way too.”
“I hope so. I miss her like crazy. I hate myself for saying that because she’s here. She’s so lost and scared. Last night she told me she’s starting to have feelings for me, and seriously, nothing in the world could make me happier. That’s all I want.”
She grabs my hand and squeezes. “I miss her too. But that’s wonderful. You two are like magnets. You always pull to each other.”
“It’s just weird because it’s kinda like dating someone new, and I feel guilty one minute and excited the next and just so… twisted up inside.”
Face it. You’re a mess, Valentine.
“It’s an extraordinary situation. Ember’s basically come back from the dead. She’s reborn. But that doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love again. She just needs time.”
“I’m worried about her. I’d do anything to take all this confusion and fear away from her. For me, the love and the commitment is already there, but for her it’s not. The person she is right now didn’t make these choices or commitments. I mean…we’re legally married, but let’s be honest—she’s not physically or emotionally married to me. And that scares the hell out of me.”
Gram’s mouth curves to a slight frown. “Marriage is a word. A piece of paper. It’s what’s in your hearts and how you treat each other that matters. I know it’s hard to hear, but your relationship has reset. You’re back at the beginning.”
My chest constricts like a vise. As hard as it is to accept, I know Gram is right.
“I’m afraid she’s going to leave.” The words burn on my tongue like poison. “She feels like I’m in love with another woman. I’ve never loved anyone but her, and now that love is pushing her away because she doesn’t think I love her. My head is so fucked up over this. I just want to make everything right for us, and I have no damn idea how.” Sighing, I push my hair out of my face and meet my gram’s pale eyes.
“You do know how. You do what you’ve always done—you love her, unconditionally. You give her patience. You be yourself. You let her be her. You give her every part of yourself. Just like you always have. I believe you’ll find each other again.”
I fiddle with my fork, turning it in my fingers, my brain churning all this advice, and nod in silent agreement. She waits until I look at her again before she continues.
“Asher, honey, I think you need to forget the past for a while. Focus on what you have now. If you keep looking behind you, you’re not going to see what—or who—is in front of you.”
Emotions well up into my throat, and I stand and walk around the table to pull this woman I love so much into a gentle hug.
“Thank you,” I whisper into her soft, silver hair.
She reaches up and pats my cheek. “You’re both going to be okay,” she says. “Trust me.”
I wish I could take Gram home with me because she always, always, makes everything better.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Asher’s gone for the day to visit his gram, and Sarah’s in her room watching the soaps. It’s her afternoon off, and I have a feeling she stayed in rather than go shopping or visit her family so I wouldn’t be left in the house alone. I’m not sure if that’s her own doing or if Asher asked her to stay, but I don’t like feeling like I need to be babysat. I’m getting stronger mentally and physically every day.
Sighing, I snuggle up on my favorite couch with the first of the journals that I’m still reading through. I’m determined to get to know the girl I used to be and form a past for myself in my mind rather than this big tunnel of blackness.
Dear Diary,
I’ve never been so happy. Asher is so amazing. I—
Blah blah blah. Asher. Asher. Asher.
I flip forward a few pages.
Dear Diary,
I got a part-time job three days a week after school. At a pet shop! I love it! I want to bring ALL the animals home, though. They’re all so cute! Teddy would freak out if I got a puppy but I’d love a kitten or a bunny. Dad said I can only have a goldfish. Seriously, a goldfish! So lame. Asher meets me after I get off work and walks me home. I miss him so much while I’m at work.
Rolling my eyes, I skip ahead a few more pages.
Dear Diary,
My parents made me go away with them for a holiday weekend for FOUR days. I begged to stay home but they wouldn’t let me. Like they think I’m a baby and I’m going to burn the house down if I’m alone or something. So here I am in stupid hot as hell Florida and I’m bored and sad. I don’t even know why my dad wanted us to come because all he’s doing is golfing.
I miss Asher so much. We’ve seen each other every day since we started dating and now I won’t see him for days. Every time I call him Mom yells at me to get off the phone. They don’t understand how close we are and how happy he makes me. I was so lonely before I met him.
I’ve never connected with anyone lik
e I do with him. I didn’t think anyone other than my family would ever love me. Other than Teddy of course. But I’ve never had a person just love me all on their own by their own choice. Asher does, though. He makes me feel special. I can’t wait to see him. I bought him a bracelet with our initials on it. I hope he likes it.
I frown at the tiny, neat handwriting. Ember sounds clingy and insecure. I know she’s young, but like, go out and have fun, girl.
I turn ahead a few more pages.
Dear Diary,
I have mono. Ew! Of course Dad freaked out and said I must’ve gotten it from making out with Asher all the time. That’s totally not true. I got it from Sydni who just had it. She’s always sipping my juice when we have lunch together so I guess her germs got on me. I like Sydni most of the time. Not right now, obviously, but she’s the first girl to be my friend here and she’s claimed me as her best friend. She’s really pretty and outgoing and she’s into music but she’s also kinda crazy.
She keeps asking me to set her up with Asher’s best friend so we can double date. I don’t want to because I think Tor’s too nice for her and she told me before I started dating Asher she wanted to date him herself! Every time she’s around us she flirts with him. Right in front of me! Like hello? I told her she’s a ho and asked her to stop but she just laughs and says she flirts with everybody. I think she just craves attention. Her father abandoned her when she was little, then came back, then left again so I think she has some lingering issues about men. Asher totally ignores her.
I feel like absolute yuck. I’m so tired ALL THE TIME. I can barely stay awake. I have to miss another whole week of school. Asher has been a supreme sweetheart. Every day he brings my school work home for me and he takes notes for me in the classes we have together. He brings me soup and milkshakes and adorable little stuffed animals and get well cards with butterflies on them. He writes the sweetest, most romantic things in the cards. He told me he can’t imagine his life without me. I almost fainted. Even though I feel like I’m dying he makes me smile every day and treats me like a princess.
