by Carian Cole
“Yes. I have a list.” She grabs her notebook off the end of the couch and flips the pages to a numbered handwritten list. “See? I need all this stuff to paint pictures. I don’t know why. I just want to try it.”
“Oh. I thought you meant to paint the walls.”
She shakes her head as she shoves the list into her purse. “No, I want to paint scenes. On canvas. I still want to paint the walls, but that’s different. Kenzi’s going to do that with me.”
“Okay.” Ember could never draw or paint, but if she wants to try now, why not? “We’ll get you all set up.”
Smiling, she touches my arm and cranes her head up to kiss my cheek. “Thank you. I’m so glad Teddy’s here with us. I can’t stop smiling.”
“That’s all I want. A smile on your face every day.”
I hated shopping all the years I was alone, but shopping with Ember and watching her make decisions is fascinating to me. She contemplates everything, holding things in her hands and studying them, comparing prices. All of it proves her brain is working. Like the inside of a clock, all the pieces are moving and working together like they’re supposed to.
Her recognition of the dog only proves her memories are still there. There’s no rhyme or reason to them. They might be jumbled up and sporadic, but they’re there.
By the time we get home, feed the dog, and get all her paint stuff set up in a corner of the porch, Ember’s exhausted and falls asleep on her bed while I’m in the shower. She and Buddy—now Teddy—look so content all curled up together that I can’t even be upset that I’ll be back to sleeping alone tonight.
Chapter Thirty-One
Breathe.
I’m Ember.
This is my home.
Asher is my husband.
These are my family and friends.
My name is Ember Valentine.
I’m happy to see you.
I squeeze the damp water bottle and press it against my cheek. The distraction of the chill takes the edge off my rising anxiety. Temporarily, at least.
The window is a barrier between myself and the twenty-or-so people talking and laughing in our backyard.
Asher told me we’ve been hosting Friday night barbecues for years, but this is the first one since I came home from the hospital. He presented it to me as a way for our closest family and friends to meet baby Tia and, for lack of a better word, for me to re-meet them in a casual atmosphere.
But to me, it doesn’t feel casual. It feels terrifying having a crowd of people at our home that I don’t know or recognize. Other than maybe five of them.
A few of the guys I recognize from photos Asher and Kenzi have shown me, but since they all have long hair and tattoos, it’s hard to tell them apart. If their significant others stay next to them, I can use the girls as a tool to help me differentiate between them.
The one with the tiny blonde.
The one with the big-eyed brunette.
The one with the girl with burgundy hair and the sweet smile.
This is what my life has come down to. Thank God people can’t read my thoughts.
Muscular arms encircle me from behind, and I lean back against his rock-hard chest. “How’s the prettiest girl in the world doing?”
My cheeks flush. “Is that me?”
“Always and only.”
Butterflies. He still does it to me.
He turns me in his arms to face him, then studies my face like he’s trying to find a pathway into my head. “You okay?”
“It’s a lot of people. I’m afraid to go out there. If someone talks to me, I won’t know who they are, and it’s going to be so uncomfortable.”
I thought by now Asher would’ve grown impatient with me and the countless frustrations of our situation. Honestly, what man wouldn’t? But his eyes are still filled with nothing but love and understanding. His touch is always soft and reassuring.
He’s a rock.
“I know it’s hard for you,” he says. “But everyone out there knows you, cares about you, and loves you. They know you don’t remember them. That’s why they’re here, so you can get to know them again. So we can suck you into our crazy family again and make you love us.”
I’m already falling in love with Asher. I find myself thinking about him all the time, and on my hardest and darkest days, he has a way of making everything better. We still have more hurdles than an obstacle course, the biggest one being pre-accident Ember and how she’s haunting both of us.
I wish she’d either come out of the clouds completely or just disappear for good. I’m tired of being held hostage by her. I’m sure Asher is too, even though he’ll never admit it.
“Come outside with me, and we’ll walk around and say hi to everyone together, okay?” He slides his hand down my arm, all the way to my fingertips. It makes me think of the day I met him—in the hospital, not when we were kids—how he held my hand and told me he was my husband. His touch comforted me. It plowed through the fear and confusion I was drowning in. The devastation in his eyes and the emptiness that crept over me when I pulled my hand away from his that day were proof enough that he was, in fact, my husband.
His touch was—and still is—the only thing that makes me feel like I can take my next breath, and yet at the same time, takes my breath away.
Nodding, I do my best to smile. “Okay. Let’s do this.”
Our backyard is usually quiet and tranquil, but tonight it’s energized with voices, music, and laughter. The bonfire has filled the air with the smoky, woodsy scent of autumn. Tor is at the grill, which is piled with burgers, steaks, hot dogs, veggie kabobs, and corn. He smiles at us as we walk past him on the deck and down the stairs to the yard.
An older, good-looking couple approaches us first, and I recognize them as Asher’s parents, who visited me several times at the hospital.
“You look beautiful.” Aria leans in to kiss my cheek.
“Thank you. I wanted to tell you that I’ve been reading my old journals, and I read how supportive you both were when I got pregnant, how you let me live with you, and I wanted to thank you.”
I’m getting much better at saying “my,” “me,” “mine,” and “I” instead of referring to myself as Ember.
“Aww, sweetheart, that was so long ago. You don’t have to thank us,” Ronnie says. “You’ve always been like a daughter to us. We’re just so glad you’re back. You two better come over for dinner soon.”
“We will,” Asher promises. “Speaking of food, make sure you eat. Tor brought over a ton of food.”
He leads me across the yard to a group of three couples standing by the willow tree, and they all break out into huge smiles as we get closer.
Asher introduces me to two of his brothers, Storm and Talon, and his cousin, Lukas, and their wives. We chat for a few minutes, and then we move on to meet another brother, Mikah, their sister, Rayne, and another cousin, Vandal.
My anxiety slowly starts to dissipate with each conversation. Everyone is laid back—just a bunch of regular guys, even though they’re all popular rock stars. All the girls are super sweet and down to earth. I feel somewhat better with the reminder that the girls didn’t know me before the accident. They became part of the family while I was “gone.”
After chatting for a while, Asher and I make our way back to the deck to get something to eat.
“You’re still here,” Tor teases, putting a veggie kabob on a plate for me. “Glad to see nobody scared you away.”
“Everyone is really nice,” I reply.
Tor grins at Asher. “I guess she didn’t meet Vandal?”
“She did. He’s in one of his better moods today.”
I look from Asher to Tor and raise my eyebrow. “What’s wrong with Vandal?”
Asher chuckles. “He’s just moody and not exactly the easiest guy to get along with sometimes.”
With our plates filled, we sit at an empty picnic table near the butterfly garden. As we eat, Asher points out people and tells me fun stories abou
t them when they were all younger.
“You’re lucky to have such a big family and good friends,” I say.
He leans into me, bumping his shoulder affectionately into mine. “They’re your friends and family too.”
I look at them all wistfully—laughing so comfortably with each other. “I hope someday I remember them.”
I want to be like them—part of a family. Loved, carefree, and happy.
“I think you will, babe. Just keep thinking positive. Take one day at a time. The memories will come when they’re ready.”
“I just don’t understand how I can remember Teddy but not all these people here. Or still almost nothing about you.”
The corner of his mouth twitches, and he takes a sip of his iced tea. “I wish we knew.”
“Well, well, well…it’s true. It’s really you.” I hadn’t even noticed the tall woman with long, red hair walking toward us, but now she’s standing next to our table with her arms crossed over her chest, a smug smile on her face.
“This is Sydni,” Asher says. “One of your friends.”
“Oh, wow!” I say. “From high school?”
Sydni lets out a throaty laugh. “From high school, and the band, and your whole life basically. I was your best friend. Stand up and give me a hug, lemme get a look at you.”
She towers over me when I stand, and she pulls me into a painfully tight hug that smashes me against her boobs.
“I just can’t believe this,” she says. “My mind is friggin’ blown right now looking at you. How do you feel?”
Relieved to be out of her bear hug.
“I feel good. I don’t need a cane anymore.”
I suddenly feel sickly and awkward standing next to Sydni with her golden tan, waist-length hair, mile-long legs, and perfect nails and makeup. Unlike me, she actually looks like a female rock goddess.
“Shit, how sucky was that?” she says. “You look great, girl. You lost a ton of weight. Not that you were ever fat, but damn, what are you, like a size two right now? Maybe I need the coma diet.”
“Syd, really?” Asher says, his nostrils flaring.
She practically snarls back at him. “Lighten up, Ash. She knows I’m just kidding.” She flings her hair over her shoulder and rolls her eyes. “Men.”
“My therapist has me doing yoga now. Maybe you can try that too?” I suggest.
“Oh my God, you’re so cute doing yoga. You never would’ve done that years ago. So do you remember anything yet?”
“No, not really. Just a few scattered things.”
Her face contorts into an exaggerated look of concern. “That’s terrible. I can’t even imagine. I wouldn’t mind waking up to Asher fucking Valentine as my husband, though. Were you like, holy shit, this is my husband? Like take my ass home right now, Daddy!” She laughs hysterically at her own joke.
My cheeks heat, and I glance at Asher, who’s glaring daggers at my friend. “Um, not exactly,” I reply. “I was mostly just confused and surrounded by strangers.”
“We should really have lunch, maybe next week? I’m in town for a few months before we hit the road again. You should come by the studio, see all the girls, jam with us a little. We had to replace you, of course, but we still consider you part of the band. You can even come on tour with us if you want to get away for a while.”
“I can’t sing or play the guitar anymore, but lunch sounds nice.”
“Wait, what? Are you serious? You forgot what you do? How the hell is that even possible?”
“I—”
“Okay, let’s go easy on the fucking comments.” Asher stands up and comes over to put his arm around me. Protective and possessive. “Can you grow a filter, Syd? Or maybe some class?”
“It’s okay.” I laugh nervously. “It’s hard to understand what happened to me. It’s not her fault.”
He presses his lips to the top of my head. “It’s not hard to be polite.”
Sydni gives us a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry, Ember. I wasn’t trying to offend you or make you guys mad. I care about you. This is all just a shock for everyone. You can still come to the studio and hang out with us. And we’ll definitely grab a coffee or lunch. You should really let me take you to the salon. We’ll get your hair and nails fixed up, get your eyebrows done, get a Brazilian. The works. You’ll feel soooo much better.”
“That sounds great.” Kenzi’s been doing my nails and cutting my hair, but going to a professional salon would be awesome.
Sydni pulls a big cell phone out of the black leather purse hanging from her shoulder. “Give me your deets, and I’ll buzz you next week.”
“Deets?” I repeat, confused.
“Details. Your cell phone number, sweetie.” She tosses her hair and laughs while making flirty eyes at Asher. Right in front of me. Just like I wrote about in the journal. “Man, this must be crazy for you. Like how much has changed in eight years? It’s nuts.”
Embarrassment soaring, I recite my deets to her.
She cocks her head to the side. “So you can remember things?”
I rub the back of my head. “I can remember things since I woke up. Just not things before, and mostly things about my own personal life. I can remember what things are like colors, food, and objects like cars and flowers. It’s complicated.”
“Weird.” She puts her phone back into her purse. “I’m happy you’re alive and well. Asher and I got really close over the years. I don’t know how we would’ve gotten through it all without each other. He was so devastated, and I was heartbroken when Tor and I broke up, and I found out he was hooking up with a teenager. I know if you were here you never would’ve let Kenzi chase after a grown man.” She sighs dramatically.
“What the fuck, Syd? We didn’t get close, and you know it. And you better watch how you talk about Tor and Kenzi, or I’m gonna drag your ass to the street.”
Ooh. I kinda like aggressive Asher.
Ignoring him, she continues with her tirade. “I guess it’s a good thing Ash and I never hooked up. Like, what would we all have done if you woke up and we were married or something? Imagine the drama.” She pushes her hair out of her face with her claw-like nails. “I’m sure you two have enough problems as it is, right?”
I blink at her. My stomach rolls with waves of nausea.
“That’s it,” Asher growls. “I want you out of here, Sydni. You had your fun. Get the fuck off my property.”
“Oh, come on. She knows I’m just kidding.”
I don’t.
“Just leave before I have to embarrass you in front of everyone.”
She rolls her eyes. “Fine. I can see you two are still no fun. I’m gonna go, but I’ll catch ya later, and we’re definitely getting together soon.” She yanks me into another bone-crushing hug.
“Okay,” I squeak.
As I watch her walk away, I decide I have no interest in ever seeing her again. How dare she talk about Kenzi that way? What kind of friend would talk to me like that or make remarks about my husband? Reading the journals clued me in somewhat about her flirty and overbearing personality, but that doesn’t come close to what I just witnessed.
Asher turns me to face him. “Are you okay?” he asks. “Don’t pay attention to her. She loves to start trouble.”
“I’m okay. I can’t believe she said such rude things.”
“I think she gets off on making other people uncomfortable. Don’t let it bother you.”
Mission accomplished for Sydni.
He touches my hair and leans down to kiss me. “I was gonna play some tunes with Lukas and Storm over by the fire. We usually do that when we’re all together here. Evie and Asia are over there now. I’m sure they’d love it if you sat with them.”
“Like a mini concert?”
“Yeah, really low-key acoustic.”
“Sure. That sounds cool.”
Holding hands, we walk to the other side of the yard where the bonfire is blazing. Some of the guys have already started setting up, and th
eir wives are sitting in chairs arranged in a semicircle around them.
“Will you be okay? I don’t want you to feel like I’m abandoning you with all these people if you’re not comfortable.”
“Don’t be silly.” I smile at his sweet concern. “I don’t expect you to babysit me. It’ll be kinda nice to sit with the other wives and listen to you sing.”
Touching my chin, he gently tilts my face up. “I’d like that.” He kisses me again before jogging off toward the guys.
“Ember!”
I turn to see Storm’s wife, Evie, waving her hand at me. “Come sit with us.”
Relieved, I walk over and take the empty seat between Evie and Asia, Talon’s wife.
“This is the first time I’ll see Asher and the guys live,” I say.
“Oh, wow!” Evie exclaims. “Asher has the most amazing voice. Storm and Talon sing too, but they don’t have the vocal range that your hubby has. You have an amazing voice too. Kinda like a mix of Billie Eilish and Janis Joplin. It’s really sexy.”
I have no idea who Billie Eilish is, but I recognize Janis Joplin. “I do?”
“You sure do.”
“I can’t sing anymore,” I admit in a low voice. Although that might not be true, because I haven’t tried to sing. I don’t feel like I can though. I don’t have any impulses at all to open my mouth and belt out a song. If I could sing, wouldn’t it just come naturally?
Evie rubs my shoulder. “That’s okay. Maybe it’s not your thing anymore. I saw some of your paintings when we came through the house, and they’re beautiful!”
I beam at her compliment. “Thank you so much. I only started last week, but now I feel like I can’t stop. I see all these images in my head, and I just want to bring them to life.”
Her eyes brighten. “Last week? Are you kidding? I think you found a hidden talent. They’re seriously amazing. Storm and I couldn’t believe it when Asher told us you painted them. We thought you guys bought them at an art fair.”
“That means so much to me. Asher’s going crazy buying me all kinds of different paints and charcoals and brushes. He’s so supportive of everything I do.”
