I stare at the picture with hard eyes.
Daisy is on my shoulders. We were putting a hammock up in the trees, and she tightened the straps on the last trunk. But the picture froze us in time: Her head dipped down, her lips against mine, my hand on her neck, my fingers stained with purple and pink dye. Her hair still wet.
She’s smiling as she kisses me, which pulls her long, deep reddened scar.
Her fucking scar—it’s all over the news. Her parents are going to find out about her face from a fucking tabloid. Dammit! My jaw locks and I throw the phone back to Lo with more aggression than I intended.
“Pissed you got caught?”
I don’t say word. I can’t speak without yelling.
“Please talk to me,” Lo snaps, “because I need to understand what’s going on or I may just punch you again.”
I shake my head, my voice deep and low. “It just happened.”
“It just happened?” Lo shakes his head, as though I always use that excuse. I’m sure I have before. “That’s a really shitty thing to tell me.” The red dirt coats our bodies and has turned Lo’s hair a shade lighter. “You fuck Lily’s little sister, and you say, oh it just fucking happened? What’d you fall on her? Did you add her to your tally of girls? Is it a one-night stand kind of thing?”
“That’s not what I fucking meant.” I grimace at all of those. I try to calm down about the photograph and about the truth reaching her parents before we could tell them. What’d we think, we could live in a fantasy forever? We should have told them about the riot before we left Paris.
“Then what did you mean?” he asks.
I meet his eyes. “It’s serious.”
“So serious that you shared it with everyone.”
“Because I knew you were going to jump down my fucking throat!” Anger catapults me to my fucking feet. He stands with me, both of us breathing heavily again.
Round fucking two.
“If you cared about her,” he says, pointing a finger at me, “then you wouldn’t be sneaking around like you’re doing something wrong!”
“Fuck you!” I shout. “You’ve made this impossible, Lo!”
“She’s EIGHTEEN!” Lo yells. He takes two hostile steps towards me, and even though my body screams to run at him with a fist flying, I have to take two steps back again. “She’s like my little sister. It wasn’t supposed to be possible! But you didn’t care. You still banged her.”
I’m so fucking screwed. The betrayal flashes in his eyes all over again.
I force down this emotion that threatens to rise and overtake me.
Lo glares. “Your cock finally got the best of you, didn’t it?” He’s the worst devil on my fucking shoulder. And I love him. “She turned eighteen and you could finally stick it in—”
“No,” I growl. “It wasn’t fucking like that!”
“I should leave you alone in this desert,” Lo sneers. “I am kicking myself right now, for every time I let you near her, for every time I let you be alone with her—”
“You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about.” I think about all the times she was alone and afraid and hurt, and I was the one who was fucking there. No one else was around. He had his own shit to deal with, so why the fuck do I get vilified and then praised whenever it’s convenient for him?
“I don’t know what I’m talking about?” He rubs his lips and grimaces. “How long, Ryke? Tell me that, how fucking long have you liked her more than just a friend, and let’s see if it’s all in my head?”
“I don’t know.” I do though. I always have. I just can’t stomach admitting it.
“I’m going to ask you again,” Lo says, his voice rattling with anger. “How long—”
“Stop,” I say forcefully.
He takes one step closer. “No, how long—”
“FOR YEARS!” I scream, veins protruding in my arms, my face reddening, unleashing this thing held captive inside of me. I step towards him. “Is that what you want to hear?! Years, Lo.”
He clenches his teeth so hard. “You’re lying?” He didn’t want to believe it. He wanted to be wrong.
“I’m not,” I say, hot tears burning my fucking eyes. “I have been so fucking attracted to that girl. And I never planned on doing a fucking thing about it. I never was going to try. And I tried…” I point at him. “I tried so fucking hard not thinking about her like that. It was wrong. I knew it was fucking wrong. I suppressed everything as much as I could.” But when she was fifteen, sixteen, seventeen—I was drawn to her in immeasurable fucking ways. The guilt was always there. I chose to ignore it.
“Then why not stay away from her?” Lo retorts. “Why not put a hundred fucking feet between you and Daisy? You flirted with her every day, Ryke. You became her friend.”
“I convinced myself that nothing would ever happen, so I thought it was okay to push further.”
“You’re a fucking idiot!” Lo yells at me.
I know.
“She was so hot that you couldn’t say no after she became legal—”
“No,” I cut him off before he continues. “It wasn’t like that.”
“Then what was it fucking like?!” Lo shouts.
And I explode. “I FUCKING LOVE HER!” I scream, my heart thrashing in my ribs.
His mouth falls, his brows furrowing in confusion the longer he scrutinizes my features. I feel like he’s clawing at my insides for answers.
Here they are. “I fell in fucking love with her. It hurt to be away from Daisy. It hurt to watch her with other guys. Everything fucking hurt, and I didn’t want to live with that pain anymore. I fucking couldn’t.” I inhale deeply. “I can’t tell you when it became unbearable, but it did.” Somewhere between Daisy eating a pomegranate in her kitchen and now.
He stares at me for a really long time, processing. “I know, more than anyone, how painful it is watching someone you love be with other people. But you can’t really love her—”
“I’ve known her for over two years,” I tell him. “I’ve spent so much fucking time with her, Lo. We’ve been through a lot together, so yes, I fell in love with her.”
Lo glances back at Daisy, and I follow his gaze. She’s crying in Lily’s shoulder while she hugs her close. My heart tears open again, and I have to restrain myself from walking over there and consoling her.
When I force my attention back to my brother, I realize he’s been studying me watching her. He doesn’t say anything, but I will.
“You can leave me here,” I say, “but I’ll find a way back. I can’t leave her, and I won’t leave you, no matter how hard you fucking push me out.” He needs me. He knows he needs me. And I want to be a part of his life. I don’t want to return to the lonely one I had built, with relationships as surface level as you can get, with people who meant nothing, with friends who’d sell me out.
“How much did it hurt?” he suddenly asks.
“Did what hurt?”
“Watching her with other guys.”
I choke at the flood of memories. “It felt like someone was drowning me in fucking salt water and lighting me on fire.”
His lips almost rise in a fraction of a fucking smile. “Same.” He takes a few deep breaths before he adds, “I need some time. But I’m not going to hit you again. So revel in that.”
“Thanks,” I say.
He nods a couple times and then says, “I wish you fell in love with another fucking girl.”
At times like this, so do I. “I’m sorry. I really fucking am. For lying.”
He shrugs. “You didn’t want to get hit.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
He nods again. “I’ll get over it. Just…give me fucking time.” He heads towards the girls, and I stay rooted to this place, so emotionally spent.
And then he pauses. Turns around and waits for me to join him.
It’s a peace offering.
I see it in his face, the way a shred of guilt flickers in his eye
s, still accompanied by a swirling rage. It’s enough for me. I walk forward and join him. He starts moving again when I’m by his side.
Just like that.
The past and the present were spread bare in the dirt.
Now maybe we can move forward.
< 50 >
DAISY CALLOWAY
October 31st.
We were supposed to make it to Yosemite by the end of the month, but a storm rolled in. The rain thrashes against the tin roof of a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant somewhere in Nevada. Our cell service has sucked in the desert, so I haven’t had the chance to talk to my parents about my relationship or the permanent damage done to my face.
I’ve been taking the days as they come. Kind of awkward.
No, mostly awkward.
I glance at Ryke next to me, faint bruises on his cheek and jaw. It looks much better than it did a few days ago. We’ve all kept to ourselves since the fight, and this is really the first time we’ve sat down as a group.
We’re all seated in a round booth, our clothes wet and hair damp from being caught in the flash storm. And tension pulls from each couple. Lily and Lo huddled on one end. Rose and Connor in the middle. Ryke and I—we’re across from his brother and my sister, in direct line of Lo’s sharpened cheekbones and narrowed eyes.
He hasn’t been malicious, so that’s nice. I can tell he’s trying to accept my relationship with his brother—but that doesn’t mean he won’t make comments.
Our six person dynamic has definitely changed.
Ryke’s arm is around my waist, and we’re so close that our legs meld together beneath the table.
“This is awkward,” Lo states the obvious after the waitress takes our drink orders. His eyes flicker to Ryke and then away every so often.
Rose squeezes her hair, water dripping off the brunette strands. “Then maybe you shouldn’t have punched your brother, Loren.”
Lo twirls a knife in his hand and points at the cardboard coffin hanging on the ceiling, part of the Halloween decorations. “Go back to bed.”
She opens her mouth, and Connor covers her lips with his hand. “It’s his birthday,” he reminds her. “Be nice.”
Her eyes flash cold. Connor drops his hand, and she stays quiet. For seven seconds. “Get over it, Loren. They’re fucking. His dick is going in her—” Connor is fast, his hand flying back over her mouth.
“Rose!” Lily says with wide eyes, her face red.
I ping-pong from wanting to laugh to wanting to stay quiet. I end up focusing on the napkin in front of me, trying and kind of failing to make a pumpkin shape.
Connor says to his wife, “I think we all understand the human anatomy involved with sex.”
I smile. “I don’t know,” I quip. “I’m lost on that last part.” I look up at Ryke. “Where does the guy’s dick go?”
He stares down at me with raised brows and dark eyes. I swear he smiles, or almost smiles. I’ll take it.
Lo groans and motions to the waitress. “We need some tequila shots.”
Ryke goes rigid, his attention off me and his arms suddenly on the table. “Lo, you can’t—”
“It’s my birthday—”
“I don’t give a fuck,” Ryke says like his brother got struck by lightning, frying his brain when we weren’t looking.
Lo cocks his head. “Let me finish.” The waitress comes back with a tray of shots before anyone can say anything more. She also brings out a plate of chicken tacos that Lo ordered in advance—his favorite. The tequila shots sit beside the basket of chips like a bomb. I look to Lily and Rose, wondering what we should do, but Lily is sunk in her seat, still red, and Rose is glaring at her husband for some reason.
This is weird.
Now it’s weird and awkward.
The waitress leaves, and Ryke says, “Explain.”
Lo motions to Rose, Lily, Connor, and me. “These four can still drink. Just because I’m sober doesn’t mean that I can’t handle the sight of alcohol. I know I’ve screwed up recently, but I don’t want to be reminded of it today. I want to prove to myself that I can be surrounded by this.” He gestures to the shots with his knife. “Now drink—not you.” He points his knife at Ryke. “But everyone else, take the shots. Celebrate my twenty-fourth year in this world. I’m sure I’ve impacted so many people for the better.” He flashes a dry smile.
Ryke processes this for a second before he nods. “Okay.”
“Love the speech,” I tell Lo, reaching out for the first shot to cut the tension. It does a little bit, but Lily and Rose stay put.
Rose and Connor are having some sort of staring contest.
“Stop reading each other’s minds,” Lo says. “It’s creepy.”
I lick the side of my hand. “It is Halloween.”
Ryke passes me the salt shaker, and I cross my legs underneath my butt, sitting up a little higher at the table. I put some salt on the wet part of my skin.
“Lil,” Lo says, about to drag the tray of shots towards her.
She shakes her head. “I don’t feel like drinking.”
He frowns. “Are you sure?” His voice is softer with her. “Would you rather have a beer?”
“No, I think I’ll stick with water.”
She’s not much of a drinker, so I’m not surprised she’s rejected the offer. During family events, she’ll go for the non-alcoholic options while Rose will drink mimosas, white wine, and dirty martinis.
Connor breaks his gaze off his wife’s and collects two shots for them. Then he says something in French that I can’t understand.
I wish Ryke could translate for me, but we’re too close to everyone else. It’d be obvious that he understands the language. He acts like he’s not eavesdropping, eating a chicken taco at the same time as Lo. No wonder he’s been able to hide his fluency in French.
I can barely tell he’s listening at all.
< 51 >
RYKE MEADOWS
I put more salsa in my taco while Rose glares at Connor, and he stares back in challenge. They’re usually strange, but they’re being really, really fucking strange right now.
He says, “Buvez avec moi.” Drink with me.
Her nose flares as her eyes drop to the tequila. She snatches the shot glass, not backing down, and she raises it towards her mouth.
I bite my taco, and when I glance at them, I notice that Connor’s jaw has tightened, his gaze darkened. I feel like they’re playing a risky game of chicken. Like when I was at the bar with Lo, back in Paris. I sense the similarities in that and this, but my mind barely has time to add these facts together.
Rose puts the rim of the shot to her lips. Connor grabs her wrist and forces her hand down, the shot splashing as the glass meets the table.
Lo’s brows furrow, holding his chicken taco. “What the fuck?”
Daisy freezes, a lime in her hand.
Connor stares harshly at Rose. “Vous êtes allée assez loin.” You’ve taken this far enough.
Her eyes pierce him.
Connor shakes his head. “Dites-le tout simplement.” Just say it.
She inhales sharply. “Ne faites pas ça.” Don’t.
Connor edges closer to her, and she surprisingly doesn’t pull away. He cups her face, his thumb stroking her cheek as he says, “Vous n’avez rien à craindre.” You have nothing to fear.
She tries to glance at us, but he forces her head straight at him, making her come face-to-face with whatever she’s been hiding.
Rose has trouble surrendering and letting him win this long, drawn out game. Her eyes glance down at the spilt tequila, and he puts his hand over the top, telling her no. I finish my taco and grab my water, taking a large swig.
Connor pinches her chin between his fingers, and he says, “Vous êtes enceinte.” You’re pregnant.
I spit out my water.
Just like that. One word. Enceinte. And my cover is blown.
Fucking fuck.
They both turn their heads to look at me. For fuck’
s sake—my brother gapes like I’ve grown horns, and Lily might as well be catching flies with her mouth.
Connor’s eyes continue to darken, his expression so rare that my neck starts to heat uncomfortably.
“Why are you fucking looking at me like that?” I ask defensively, backtracking. My efforts are useless. It’s Connor Cobalt. If my brother figured out that I understood their conversation, then he definitely has.
“Vous savez pourquoi.” You know why. He keeps shaking his head like he can’t believe this. Maybe he’s upset that he got something wrong. That he misread me. That I’ve been fucking overhearing his dialogs for years. All of the above, once again.
My muscles harden, and Daisy puts her hand on my leg underneath the table in comfort. I lace her fingers with mine and then nod at Connor. “You should be less focused on me and more fucking concerned about your pregnant wife, who almost drank a tequila shot to fucking one-up you.”
“What?” Lo says. He leans back like a hurricane just knocked into him.
Rose glowers at me. “Go choke on your water again.” That is an insult usually reserved for Lo.
I flip her off and she does the same thing in return, which is an awful fucking rebuttal to the middle finger. It’s not like I’m asking her if she knows how to do it too.
I’d love to remove myself from this whole awkward situation, but we’re stuck at the same table together, forced to deal with serious issues that we’ve kept from each other.
Lo has his hands on his head, his eyes darting between me and Rose. “You both take birthday surprises to a new fucked up dimension.”
Rose blinks back tears. No wonder she’s been emotional this whole trip. I’ve rarely ever seen her cry, and she’s shed probably more tears in the past two weeks than she has in the past five years.
“Christ,” Lo says, realizing this too. He cringes, looking a little guilty. She’s been hormonal, obviously going through something, and he’s picked on her a lot. I mean, she didn’t even fucking tell Connor. She made him figure it out.
But their relationship—that’s just how they do things, I guess. I wouldn’t know unless I was in their heads. I’d rather a girl scream at the top of her lungs and throw things at me, telling me she’s pregnant than spend months solving a mystery.
Hothouse Flower (Calloway Sisters) Page 33
