During the film I did wonder about Mr. Lindberg bringing up divorce since I had heard he was divorced. I did not think he was a hypocrite but I was interested in the details of his story.
While the film was playing he called me over to his desk, “Melanie, thanks for your comments in class!” I smiled and answered his praise, “Oh, well, it was a fun topic!” He then whispered near my ear, “You must spend a lot of time studying psychology.” He had me there. I let him know, “Yes, I love the topic—I can’t get enough of studying human behavior. I wonder though, I heard from Nicole you are divorced…”
At that point I stopped and wondered why in the world I said that, I mean I was curious but this might not be the best time and place. He seemed to be taken back and hesitated to answer, “Yes, but did I say I was the one who…well…chose it?”
At that point I could read his body language (folded arms and looking away) and determined this was a taboo subject for him, and I should not bring it up again. I immediately attempted to change the subject and ask him some quickly thought-up questions about the featured killer, to which he seemed happy and relaxed again.
I later thought to myself that I had not been responsible for my father not wanting anything to do with me, so perhaps Mr. Lindberg could not be blamed for the actions of his ex-wife. He broke the momentary silence and turned the conversation back to his life and mentioned that he had a couple of children and he tried to see them as often as possible. Then the conversation again hit a lull, but before he returned to his desk he asked, “Are you coming over with Daniel and Nicole Saturday?” I smiled and said I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
I continued to think to myself about how appropriate it was to get so personal with my teacher. Then again, it didn’t bother me—and if it did not bother him then what of it?
The rest of the week was filled with the same basic class routines—with the bright spot being psychology on Thursday. Yeah, I was enjoying English as well, a big surprise, but psychology was beyond a doubt the focal point of my school existence. My evenings seemed dominated by long conversations with Nicole—didn’t she spend much time with Daniel? Our conversations were never dull and I was beginning to feel I actually had a best friend. I looked forward to Saturday and soon it arrived.
Chapter 7
I was up late Friday chatting with Nicole and did not get to bed until around 2 am. So I was surprised, although I would not complain, when the phone rang early Saturday morning—it was her! She asked if she could come over, hang out a while, and then Daniel would pick us both up later. I did not even feel tired and looked forward to her arrival. I really enjoyed her company and I had made sure I had nothing else going on Saturday in anticipation of our going over to Mr. Lindberg’s. The thought that I seemed to belong to a circle of friends really intrigued me—belonging was something I was not accustomed to associate with my identity. I had to admit, as much as I hated it, that it felt comfortable to finally have like-minded friends.
When Nicole arrived we just hung out and talked about how school was going as well as a few things on the news program I had seen while eating breakfast. I mentioned a story about the serial killer the police were looking for and she got real quiet for a moment, looking off into space. Then she snapped out of it and we started analyzing what kind of person might be doing this—it seemed she had studied a few of these individuals just as I had.
The problem was that the news reports did not give out that much information except that most of the victims were young women between the ages of 18 and 26 and in college. I mentioned that this seemed such a waste…she didn’t respond but continued to go on about killers in the past. Then she asked if we should rent a few films based on these people and watch them soon. I thought that sounded fun and I asked if that was what we were going to be doing over at Mr. Lindberg’s house.
Nicole replied in a really enthusiastic manner, “Oh I am not sure …these get-togethers can last way into the morning hours. Hope you don’t have anything else planned for this evening.” I was sort of surprised, but again I had no complaints, and responded with a great deal of enthusiasm, “Well…okay. I had thought this was just a lunch thing but that’s great, I guess.” Little was I aware of what would take so long, but I quickly wrote out a note for my mom that I would be out late with Nicole.
Nicole came over and looked at what I was writing and then we grabbed some snacks and moved over to the couch. She leaned against me and whispered, “So actually I did mention to Mark that you were into underground-style films. He said he might try to dig some up in his collection to watch if you like—does that sound fun?” I thought for a moment that it might be interesting but for the life of me I could not believe a 30-something year old teacher (even him) would have anything really interesting. Then again, I was up for anything, and I had nothing else going on. I did worry that Daniel would monopolize the event—and even more that he would occupy Nicole for the whole evening.
Daniel soon arrived and suggested we pick up a few things at the store—I had no idea what the rest of the day/night would be like, but I was anxious to get a glimpse into my psychology teacher’s “real” life. I guess I also craved novelty, and maybe my life was too predictable after all.
Upon arriving at his house we went up to the door then Daniel merely knocked a couple of times and let himself, and us, in…but at least yelling out that we were there. He joked that he did not want to just come in unannounced and get accidentally shot as an intruder. “Does Mr. Lindberg own a gun?” I asked, but did not get an answer as he came into the room at that moment and asked us all to make ourselves at home.
Without any hesitation I set out to explore and see what kind of books, DVDs, CDs and pictures he had—you know, the things that tell you about who someone is. Everyone was occupied as I leisurely took inventory of his belongings. I was surprised at not seeing pictures of his family displayed though.
I motioned for Nicole to come over so I could ask about this, just out of curiosity…nothing more. Nicole told me, “Mark doesn’t like being reminded of not having his children around. He has pictures but they are in albums in his study room.” I said that sounded like living in denial but she responded, “Mark devoted his existence to his family and kids, and when he wasn’t at home, or working, he was active in his church. However, one day his wife decided she didn’t want to be married anymore which caused his life, and his view of life, to fall apart.” I found this interesting, and I asked her to continue, but it was strange that she was sounding more like a sister than his student.
She elaborated, “He had an idealistic way of looking at everything, but his social circle was very traditional and just figured he must have been the root of the problem—which he wasn’t. Once the court gave his wife full custody of the kids, with a judge even saying children needed their mothers more than their fathers, his faith in everything he once held dear was shattered. He dropped his friends, his religion, and anything else from his previous life”
I felt I understood him a bit more at that point. How can someone deal with abandonment of everything one holds dear? For me, my idealism had been allowed to die a slow, lingering death—I had allowed my feelings to sink deep inside me over time until not even I could recognize them anymore. Yet his seemed to have experienced a quick demise. I wondered, did he have any feelings left? Then again, I didn’t know if I had any myself, so how could I then be able to know if someone else’s were there?
I wondered exactly what he had done to cope with his tragedy beyond rejecting his past? Did he re-create himself or allow the real self to emerge? I was anxious to apply analysis to him as he seemed more human to me at that moment.
Daniel called Nicole into the kitchen so I resumed my investigation. Mr Lindberg had a huge collection of classics of the “Ben Hur” variety as well as documentaries of psychology, science and history. Then I noticed a lot of science fiction and horror movies—most I had never heard of before...kinda like the ones Nicole seemed to like
. As for music there was a collection of metal titles, alternative and symphonic metal music from bands that were mainly Russian, Italian and Dutch—not the collection of entertainment one would typically associate with a teacher. I felt like he was more complex than I had originally imagined, and that really fascinated me, especially since I could identify with his musical tastes.
I had not noticed Daniel had come in and was looking over my shoulder. “So, find anything interesting?” He asked this with a curious tone. I laughed, “Perhaps, it seems he has a rather unique taste in everything” Daniel responded, as Mr. Lindberg entered the room, “Oh, you might be surprised.” Then Daniel blurted out, “Melanie seems to think you have unique tastes!” Were my fears coming to pass that Daniel would, in some way, ruin this day? I felt like throwing him through the window right then!
Mr. Lindberg responded, “Hey, why allow yourself to fall into one category or another without experiencing all you can?” He put some snacks on the coffee table he continued, “People allow themselves to get categorized by marketers, religion, by employers…and even themselves. Why let yourself be stuffed into a particular demographic segment just to fit in or be ‘normal’?” Then he started in on education and conformity which really caught my attention.
“The goal of education, public education, in the US is to train a workforce to meet the demands of what used to be an industrial society, as well as blend people together—a nice term for having them fit into the ideal model someone else has decided upon.” Nicole whispered to me, “Now ‘ya got him going.” Mr. Lindberg looked at her, I think knowing what she said, but still went on, “The dominant reformers in the 19th century were Protestants and they feared that a large, uneducated lower class was developing, in many areas, especially urban centers. Catholic immigrant populations were also expanding due to immigration. This might at best be uncomfortable to live with and worse they might wind up taking them over. So many influential people promoted public education to help those on the lower ends, but they also desired it as a means to shape the American character—into a Protestant ideal of course. That’s when public schools came into being as well as beginning their role as a norm shaper.”
I think he noticed my interest so his eyes focused on me, “The irony is that the KKK was instrumental in this movement in many parts of the country. Of course they wanted schools to mold an ideal American citizen on the middle-class, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant ideal as well with a common set of beliefs and values. Laws in some states banning teachers from wearing highly obvious religious symbols are relics of the attempt to keep Catholic influence in schools to a minimum. Of course the dominant social engineers philosophical perspective is different today than the ones of the past, but they still use societal institutions to enforce their will and instil their values in the populace.”
It was interesting to hear a teacher seem to question the system to its very core. Why did he choose to be a teacher? I then wondered if his personal tragedies had caused him to develop his cynicism. He stopped for a moment, it seemed, to either reflect, or rest, and take a few chips before continuing.
“When Freud’s views of human nature and the subconscious came out they were greeted by corporations as they were inspired to apply them to tap into people’s unconscious desires and drives to sell them products. Governments weren’t as welcoming of the notion that emotions and drives seemed to be at the core of human behavior, not rationality, so they employed the ideas of Freud to create a conformed, peaceful and materialistic population—to preserve democracy they decided they had to shape the population. They used institutions like schools to attain these goals. Of course, this still goes on—one could even say that it’s not all that much different than what the Soviets had where an elite decided what the right way was to think…what’s proper…what’s desirable, except one big difference was that the typical Soviet citizen knew the difference between truth and propaganda, while the typical American today doesn’t. We still call it democracy though.”
I really enjoyed hearing someone like him touch on these themes, although in retrospect I guess there are those who would find his “lecturing” a sign of him being a “know-it-all” However, I could see that he really believed in what he was saying. He never seemed opinionated to me in the traditional sense, just anxious to share and discuss what many never really gave much thought to, or wished to discover. And his ultimately being a part of the system he was condemning made it all the more interesting.
In midstream, he changed the subject. Daniel and Nicole excused themselves and went out to the porch, which looked like a small botanical garden as he had enclosed it like a green house and placed a multitude of plants there. He leaned in my direction and asked, “So, you want to be in debate, do you now?” I could sense he was trying to shift the conversation but I didn’t want him to. I replied, “Yes I certainly do! Now back to what you were saying about schools…” He said, “Okay” and looked really pleased. I encouraged him,“What you were saying is that one of the functions of school is to set the criteria for what is acceptable behavior, and even create opinions—is that why just about every school you go to you’ll find the same social clichés, attitudes and problems?” He replied eagerly, “Well, if you create a certain design, with a certain mindset and values system at its core, wouldn’t you expect the same human social dynamics to take place? Ironically, creativity and independence is talked about a lot but true implementation of reforms that would actually allow the expression of these human desires would undermine the true function of the institution!”
That moment I considered what he was saying. It made perfect sense...control was something at the core of the US system. As social norms relating to family ideals and even religious attitudes of right and wrong, seemed to be eroding, maybe what was being put forth to maintain the existing social order was behavioral modification—using techniques ranging from simple indoctrination to dispensing mind-altering drugs to little kids who didn’t need it. Of course, I asked him what he thought of my opinion.
He said he agreed with my views. Then we just sat there in an enjoyable conversation that was even more positive to me as his insights confirmed my own. I thought for a moment that here I was with the only teacher I really liked, respected and even felt was operating on the same “vibes” as myself, and we were discussing an educational system that we both seemed to dislike. Yes, maybe we saw it from two different vantage points but with the same conclusions. I felt this was really cool. Of course he kept on with his attack!
“Melanie, come on…we claim to promote creativity, yet how much creativity can a rat in a maze truly develop? We teachers are taught more about classroom management and control than how to catch the learner’s heart and engage his mind. Then we dumb down our expectations of what the student is capable of. Yet we try to instil more self esteem. Maybe what we then wind up with is graduates who don’t know very much but feel really good about how little they know!” I found the ironic humor really funny as I pictured a bunch of students wandering around a giant rat maze.
I then asked “Well, in Russia or China they still teach in the old style of learning information and testing. What about that? Don’t they turn out good students?” He shot back quickly as he leaned over the table to look at me “Yes, but there the expectations are extremely high and students know they are competing for a limited number of spots in the universities. At least they are engaged because the consequence of failure is, well, failure.”
“Okay, then…” I asked, “...can it be that the system we have cheats the dumb kids, bores the smart kids and doesn’t provide any meaning to the average kids?” He looked surprised, in a pleasant way, as he said, “I think you are very perceptive and know the answer to that”. I was really feeling some passion for our discourse which orbited around our shared resentment at the system—and then a connection to Mark, I mean... Mr. Lindberg.
I asked, “So the kids who just don’t fit in…”He interrupted me, displaying a frustrated loo
k, perhaps unintentionally offering a glimpse into his own memories, “These young people become outsiders who the mainstream kids don’t understand, nor does anyone else truly want to! They are even mocked by some teachers in the faculty room, and not really incorporated into many classes. No wonder some turn against themselves or do horrible things to others.” I could relate to that in so many ways. And yes, it was something I had considered many times, but it felt so good to hear someone else lay some, if not a substantial part, of the blame for my misery, to the system itself and not to me as an individual.
The conversation shifted as he commented to me, “Like I said, you are so perceptive…I feel like I am talking with someone in a college seminar when I listen to you. You must have studied a lot of psychology.” He was almost radiant as he talked with me. I sat up and replied, “I have...I have studied psychology to make sense of a lot of things. I feel like I have also lived it.”
He fell back in his seat, “Oh, I see, anything you’d like to share?” This made me uncomfortable and I found myself staring at the door hoping Nicole or Daniel might come in and save me from what had been a fun conversation, as disclosure risked my becoming vulnerable. I had no such luck and had to say something, so I leaned forward towards him and said, “Oh, a lot of things…I guess you’ll just have to find out as time goes on. Yet maybe you won’t like everything that comes to light…then again…” I surprised myself by becoming aware of my smiling as I said that.
He saw the smile and I suddenly became aware that I must have come across as flirtatious in my mannerisms, posture and voice. I was not embarrassed though—maybe on a sub conscious level I wanted that message conveyed.
Melanie's Journey Page 7
