I wondered what was happening to her at this time. Was her brain merely being deprived of oxygen and slowly shutting down, soon to cease functioning completely; leaving everything she knew and experienced in her life null and void—empty? Or was she entering a new phase of existence separate from her body and finding out what the meaning of life was all about? God, part of me envied her. Either the “big question” was no longer of any significance to her, her mind now just confused sensations or dreams giving way to loss of consciousness and then…nothing: or then again, maybe she was entering the famed white light and being re-united with loved ones who may have passed away before her. Maybe this earthly existence, even this less-than-dignified exit from this level of reality, meant nothing to her now that her own personal enlightenment had occurred!
After pondering these thoughts for those few brief seconds I noticed her body was becoming still and relaxed. It was at that point I took her hand. A few seconds later I released it and began to gently caress her arm. Only a few seconds after that there were a couple of small spasms that seemed like the ones you get sometimes in your legs when you are almost asleep, and then…total lifelessness. No breathing, no movement…nothing.
Mark broke the trance when he put his hand on my shoulder and said it was okay…and asked what I thought. I told him I did not know but that he should give me a few minutes to compose myself. I would be okay. It was odd though, it was only then that I noticed I had blood all over me. I had not even taken notice of the blood that had pulsated out of the wound. Strange, it seemed warm to the touch but soon turned cold and uncomfortable. Nicole just looked at me with a form of compassion I had never seen in her before while Daniel went back to the car for something. It was quiet now, a sort of reverence pervaded this little grove—and while I normally wasn’t one to enjoy quiet scenes unless I was alone in nature, I liked the energy I felt around me.
That feeling lasted only for a little while. No matter all the thoughts I had about what I had done, or what may be the reality of life and existence…no matter what, now what lay before us was a body. This presented a predicament—how to dispose of it (using the term “her” at this point seemed to confer a somewhat ironic status, at least it did to me).
What to do? This was a feeling we all get, when we broke something as a child and feverishly tried to come up with some sort of a way to hide what had been done or face unimaginable punishment. Truth was, this was something that could lead to horrendous punishment for us. There was no turning back, no way to erase what happened, only questions of what to do to make sure nobody ever found out about the events that had just taken place. After all, it seemed that if the body was discovered who knows what kinds of clues the police could find that could lead them to us. Did any of us lose a bit of hair in a scuffle? People have been executed for a piece of DNA (a bit of blood, skin or loose hair) linking them to a crime. What had we missed that someone could use in the tracking of those responsible for this—of us?
Nicole came over and seemed to know what I was thinking, as always. She assured me that the guys knew how to take care of everything. She asked me to come with her, away from the scene, and asked me to remove all my clothing and clean off the blood that had splattered onto me with water from a little pool. She then handed me a towel and baby washcloths from her backpack. She said the guys would dispose of everything and not to worry. She walked away for a second to retrieve the bag with my change of clothing in it.
After I washed off and changed we returned to the body and said bye to Mark and Daniel and started walking back to the car. The guys had undone the ropes and it seemed to me that they were preparing to move the body someplace.
It was odd…one might expect someone to break down, cry, or act in some hysterical way after having done what I had done. I did not—and I did not understand why. Perhaps I was very different after all—and then I wondered if this was what Nicole had felt the first time she had done this. I asked her and she said it was different—she was able to take revenge so she had an anger to release—but that afterward it took her some time to come to terms with everything (some time I would later find out was a couple of days).
I admitted to her that what concerned me the most was not getting caught and she again assured me—she claimed that the body would be as if it had never existed. Then I had to ask what the woman had done that justified her being selected and Nicole assured me she would tell me soon, but asked me to trust her and the guys. I did trust them, especially Mark.
I did not tell her the thoughts that had run through my mind until later that day. We did not drive home but rather stopped at a small town and found a market with a deli. We packed a lunch and Nicole took me up in the mountains to a really beautiful lake. We ate together and when I related my thoughts to her, which she found really interesting. We talked about life, philosophy and even religion until it started getting dark. It had certainly been the most interesting day of my life—kinda the birth of a new me, since I had taken a step that would forever be central to the core of my identity.
As we drove back that evening Nicole asked if I wanted to stay over at her house but I wanted to take some time alone in my own room to gather my thoughts again. She did not argue and I could tell she knew I was not going to tell anyone what had happened. She asked if I might be free on Sunday and I let her know I might be. I had hoped she would ask that question.
Chapter 13
I did not sleep Saturday evening—how could I? I tried to sort out my emotions and was left with what, at this time, was a troubling thought—that is that I could not feel any guilt in me about what I had done. The only thing that bothered me was the idea of somehow the police finding out what happened—yet I had confidence in Mark that everything was indeed taken care of so that would not happen. Then the question that was becoming an obsession for me—that of my being psychopathic, filled my mind. I got out of bed and looked up the characteristics yet another time.
I printed out a site and crossed off things like unnecessary risk taking, sexual promiscuity (I was after all a virgin unlike most of the females my age), and I could detect emotions for those deserving of them—like my friends, perhaps even my mother, yes even my mom. I felt so distant towards her that maybe one could say I only had the love that was expected of me because she was my mother, I could not say. Of course, I did not really have any feelings I could detect towards my father except curiosity mingled with contempt for a man who obviously had no love for me.
And what about all the people around me during my life who were not in this small group? Nothing! Yet I wondered if the reason people avoided getting close to me was due to my projecting out these lack of feelings. Was my “poker face” as a teacher once called my expressions (or lack of) not a mask but actually the real me?
Now there I was, contemplating what I had done the day before, but still not feeling any torment, and only left with the nagging “What’s next?” question in my head. Then my thoughts turned to Mark—I mean now we had a circle that was bound for life. Nicole had Daniel, and that left me and Mark. Yet does sharing in taking life make love and relationship the next logical step? There have been couples who were involved together in such crimes yet they had seemed so bizarre to read about. We looked too normal—you could even feature us on some pamphlet a church would use to give visitors before a service, and not some crime website.
I sat back and wondered what would happen if we were ever caught. This would probably reach an international news audience with people analyzing every aspect of our lives. Funny, maybe they would discover something about us we had never considered about ourselves. And of course Mark would be the one blamed for brainwashing us into this little death cult. Yet, who brainwashed who in the circle? It was really hard to see who the ringleader was—as there seemed to be none. We were at this moment a group entity, and who knew what the future would hold?
I opened the curtains and as the sun was starting to appear I called Nicole. I woke her up from a sound
sleep I suppose. She asked how I was doing and I wasn’t really lying when I said “fine.” When I told her I was tired but unable to sleep she said she understood and suggested we hang out again that day.
Nicole asked me to get a towel and swimming suit and she would be over very soon. I barely had time to eat before I heard her car pull up. I ran out to greet her, not even telling my mom where I was going, and we headed to some hot springs in the mountains. We talked on the way—it was a long drive, through beautiful forests, and it kind of reminded me of the drive the day before. “Well Melanie, are you doing okay?” I answered with maybe a bit of puzzlement, “I’m fine I guess—just didn’t sleep at all last night.” Nicole responded, “Not surprised… I mean yesterday was a bit unusual, wasn’t it?” I asked, “Nicole, what do you feel? I mean yesterday was the ninth person you have taken part in killing…what goes through your mind now?” She thought a moment, “I can answer you better in a while…I need to think, okay? And yesterday was actually number ten, depending on how you count it. Why don’t you get some sleep and when we get up to the springs in a couple of hours I’ll answer your questions.” I gave her an “Okay” and actually did fall asleep.
When we finally arrived we were all alone as it was a little known spring, so it was more private than most. Nicole asked if I was going to wear my swimming suit (most people do not in Oregon springs) and I said that I would prefer to. She shrugged and said she would as well in that case, and we soon settled into the warm volcanic waters.
“So, I promised to answer your questions—feel free to ask anything you want.” I again asked how she felt after doing what she had done for the past year. “At first it was a feeling of revenge that motivated me—anger I guess, it is the same thing in a way. Most people see news stories that give them momentary anger but that’s as far as it goes. Many people have something done to them and have to come to terms with it through counseling or something like it. I like a different approach. And while I know I can’t save the world, I can help set things right here and there—by putting some order into an order-less world.”
I liked her answer; it reminded me of what Mark had said. Then I asked, “Nicole, the woman yesterday…I, uh…” She interrupted me “The one you killed? Stabbed?” I looked away, “Yeah, the one I killed—what had she done…I mean you said you would tell me later...I need to know now.”
“Certainly!” she said. “How do you feel about children?” I responded, “Actually, I like children.” She asked, “Plan on having kids someday?” I did not even have to think, “Yes, certainly…I’d like to have a bunch!”
“That’s weird. Oh well, Melanie how would you feel if someone got really drunk at a party and broadsided your car after you had picked up your kids from the babysitter?” She continued, “Now, imagine two of your children are dead and you are trapped in the car with them for an hour while the rescue workers have to cut you out of your car—and on top of this the trauma and your injuries cause you to lose the baby that was due in two months?” I gave it a thought and replied, “That would be the worse nightmare ever—what does that have to do with it anyway?” Nicole answered, “The woman you met briefly in the woods yesterday was the drunk driver I described—she had been caught drinking and driving in the past and even two months after the wreck I described she was convicted of driving intoxicated again. Not sure how she got off all the time, good lawyer, who knows, but she seemed totally unconcerned over the three children she killed, and for all anyone knows she would have done the same thing again eventually.”
I asked if Nicole had known the family of this tragedy and she said she had not. Furthermore she explained, “It is best not to have anything that can connect you to anyone you take out.” I asked about the first couple of people but she explained, “These were initial exceptions, however, the connections were blurry. Even if we include Mark’s lawyer, which was a solo action, there were many people who had bigger potential grudges than Mark. So even if they had found the body chances are nobody would consider him a suspect anyway. Then there was the dealer who gave Daniel’s cousin the drugs—and that too was a very weak connection to Daniel. And that woman…the one I wanted them to eliminate from the face of the earth…she had never been convicted of any of the assaults she had done to innocent children.” Nicole showed a lot of anger when commenting on the female predator and was still shaking as she continued, “All other people were also seriously bad, but we only knew about things they had done to others. Do you want a breakdown?” I told her that she did not have to go into more details.—I could take her word that they deserved what they got. Nicole then took a couple of deep breaths and seemed to calm down at that point.
“So how do you make sure there is no evidence?” Nicole responded with a prankish smile, “It depends, the woman yesterday was buried. A few days earlier Daniel had gone up and dug a hole nearby that was so hidden nobody would stumble upon it. Yesterday Mark and Daniel put the body in the hole, put lot of lime in it to get rid of scent, buried it and then rolled a huge rock in the mouth of the hole. Once decomposition begins the rock will settle into the cavity to hide any traces of digging. So in a few months, the body will be essentially gone and the place would look totally natural and untouched by anyone.”
“So is this how all the bodies are disposed of?” Nicole answered no, and that the Columbia River is probably full of bodies that will never be found—areas where it is deep, murky and with little current. A few weights and a strong, non-biodegradable feed sack, and it is as if the person never existed.
Nicole did admit to where all it took was a 9mm, “In one case there was another big-time child molester. The creep never left his house so you couldn’t get him alone to capture him”. I asked “Capture?” She continued, “In that particular case Mark went to his door and asked to use the phone—two shots later, then one more, execution-style, and that’s all it took. We had rode bikes over, so no chance of a nosy neighbor getting a license plate number. There had been no loud noises by the gun since we all have silencers and the body was not discovered for a month. Mark even disposed of the gun and acquired a new one.”
Nicole seemed eager to explain everything at this point. “Oh, and it’s amazing what a taser and a home-made dart gun can do to knock a person out. I could use these on someone twice my size and be victorious!” She explained that Daniel's knowledge of chemistry, coupled with his working for a veterinarian who was friends of his mom, really came in handy.
At that point I asked Nicole if she totally trusted me now, to which she said she’d always trusted me. “If my instincts and intuition are weak in discerning who I can trust then I could not survive long, now could I?” She went on to say that with the events of the previous day I was totally integrated into the group—and she of course was right. If discovered we would all be candidates for lethal injection even though I would not turn 18 for three weeks.
I was curious as to what kind of relationship Nicole and Daniel had. I asked and then she went into detail about her and Daniel having a very loving relationship—they could tell they were soul-mates the very first day they met. However, she was quick to point out that Daniel wanted to wait until marriage for intimate relations—he felt sex, even intimate kissing, was something that should wait until marriage, and she not only respected him but admired him for it. I asked if this was something that caused any problems to which she seemed to think a bit deeper and said, “Oh…it’s okay, most of the time I guess.” I noticed she sounded like there was more to what she said, but when I asked if anything was wrong she merely stated in a monotone, distant voice, “Oh, nothing.”
She said that Daniel was more religious than her, but she thought that was more a reflection of her weakness to put mental energy towards God while Daniel didn’t have that block. Nicole asked me, “How do you feel about religion?” I sunk down into the water and then surfaced, “I believe in God, but I cannot feel anything towards God”. She thought that was interesting and then asked “So how do
you feel about Mark?” I froze, but then, maybe to not betray anything in my lack of an answer, I splashed some water at her and said, “He’s really smart and nice, but I’m not sure…” Nicole started laughing, “Yeah, right—just make sure you don’t get him in any trouble. If something happened, and it was found out, then perhaps that could focus attention on all of us.”
“Me? Trouble? What do you mean?” Nicole laid on her back, suspended in the water, and looked up at the sky, “Trust me, I’m a female too—and I pride myself on my intuition. I just mean that you shouldn’t get all buddy-buddy with him beyond just friendship—at least wait until after graduation.”
Nicole’s stern warning took me back. It’s not that what she said was entirely unfounded though. I tried to assure her, “Okay, I see your point—you don’t have to worry.” Nicole smiled and asked me to forgive her if she seemed aggressive, but that she felt for that time things should stay as they were. We relaxed from any major discussions for a while and just soaked up the beauty around us. It seemed an ideal place to get in touch with nature and any feelings of anxiety or worry over the previous day seemed to fade away.
Nicole and I talked about nature…even things like cosmic spirituality—it’s hard not to feel a certain New-Age connection to life in a place like that. Trees surrounded us that were centuries old with long green moss hanging down like a scene from a fantasy tale. The sound of the water pouring into the pool had that Japanese garden quality about it. We were enveloped by this lush forest...hidden in our own little world.
Nicole asked me more about my life and I told her more about my basically non-existent father, disconnected mother and not having the privilege of having brothers or sisters in my life. “That really sucks Melanie…at least, I mean, my family is messed up but we are there for each other.” Nicole related to me some of the quirks in her family. She looked down and picked up a little rock, “Sometimes I think I want a normal family someday…one in which people don’t yell at each other over tiny things, and one where people get along and love one another.” I looked at her, trying to convey strong empathy, I even took hold of her hand, “Yes Nicole I want that too, and hopefully be with someone who won’t leave when it turns inconvenient and all.” Nicole said, “From what you’ve said I think it explains a few things about you and your desires…but for me I fear that something will happen—I mean you find happiness, and then some drunk runs you over, or rapes your kids…I just don’t want to face that.”
Melanie's Journey Page 14
