Small Gods

by Terry Pratchett

Page 15

 

  “Thats not a bad idea!”

  "Besides, hes been kind to me. He didnt have to be.

  “You think that? Is that what you think? Have you looked at the mans mind?”

  “Of course I havent! I dont know how to!”

  “You dont?”

  "No! Humans cant do-

  Brutha paused. Vorbis seemed to do it. He only had to look at someone to know what wicked thoughts they harbored. And grandmother had been the same.

  “Humans cant do it, Im sure,” he said. “We cant read minds. ”

  “I dont mean reading them, I mean looking at them,” said Om. “Just seeing the shape of them. You cant read a mind. You might as well try and read a river. But seeing the shapes easy. Witches can do it, no trouble. ”

  “ `The way of the witch shall be as a path strewn with thorns, ” said Brutha.

  “Ossory?” said Om.

  “Yes. But of course youd know,” said Brutha.

  “Never heard it before in my life,” said the tortoise bitterly. “It was what you might call an educated guess. ”

  “Whatever you say,” said Brutha, “I still know that you cant truly be Om. The God would not talk like that about His chosen ones. ”

  “I never chose anyone,” said Om. “They chose themselves. ”

  “If youre really Om, stop being a tortoise. ”

  “I told you, I cant. You think I havent tried? Three years! Most of that time I thought I was a tortoise. ”

  “Then perhaps you were. Maybe youre just a tortoise who thinks hes a god. ”

  “Nah. Dont try philosophy again. Start thinking like that and you end up thinking maybe youre just a butterfly dreaming its a whelk or something. No. One day all I had on my mind was the amount of walking necessary to get to the nearest plant with decent lowgrowing leaves, the next . . . I had all this memory filling up my head. Three years before the shell. No, dont you tell me Im a tortoise with big ideas. ”

  Brutha hesitated. He knew it was wicked to ask, but he wanted to know what the memory was. Anyway, could it be wicked? If the God was sitting there talking to you, could you say anything truly wicked?

  Face to face? Somehow, that didnt seem so bad as saying something wicked when he was up on a cloud or something.

  “As far as I can recall,” said Om, “Id intended to be a big white bull. ”

  “Trampling the infidel,” said Brutha.

  “Not my basic intention, but no doubt some trampling could have been arranged. Or a swan, I thought. Something impressive. Three years later, I wake up and it turns out Ive been a tortoise. I mean, you dont get much lower. ” Careful, careful . . . you need his help, but dont tell him everything. Dont tell him what you suspect.

  “When did you start think-when did you remember all this?” said Brutha, who found the phenomenon of forgetting a strange and fascinating one, as other men might find the idea of flying by flapping your arms.

  “About two hundred feet above your vegetable garden,” said Om, “which is not a point where its fun to become sapient, Im here to tell you. ”

  “But why?” said Brutha. “Gods dont have to stay tortoises unless they want to!”

  “I dont know,” lied Om.

  If he works it out himself Im done for, he thought. This is a chance in a million. If I get it wrong, its back to a life where happiness is a leaf you can reach.

  Part of him screamed: Im a god! I dont have to think like this! I dont have to put myself in the power of a human!

  But another part, the part that could remember exactly what being a tortoise for three years had been like, whispered: no. You have to. If you want to be up there again. Hes stupid and gormless and hes not got a drop of ambition in his big flabby body. And this is what youve got to work with . . .

  The god part said: Vorbis would have been better. Be rational. A mind like that could do anything!

  He turned me on my back!

  No, he turned a tortoise on its back.

  Yes. Me.

  No. Youre a god.

  Yes, but a persistently tortoise-shaped one.

  If he had known you were a god . . .

  But Om remembered Vorbiss absorbed expression, in a pair of grey eyes in front of a mind as impenetrable as a steel ball. Hed never seen a mind shaped like that on anything walking upright. There was someone who probably would turn a god on his back, just to see what would happen. Someone whod overturn the universe, without thought of consequence, for the sake of the knowledge of what happened when the universe was flat on its back . . .

  But what he had to work with was Brutha, with a mind as incisive as a meringue. And if Brutha found out that . . .

  Or if Brutha died . . .

  “How are you feeling?” said Om.

  “Ill. ”

  “Snuggle down under the sails a bit more,” said Om. “You dont want to catch a chill. ”

  Theres got to be someone else, he thought. It cant be just him who . . . the rest of the thought was so terrible he tried to block it from his mind, but he couldnt .

  . . . it cant be just him who believes in me.

  Really in me. Not in a pair of golden horns. Not in a great big building. Not in the dread of hot iron and knives. Not in paying your temple dues because everyone else does. Just in the fact that the Great God Om really exists.

  And now hes got himself involved with the most unpleasant mind Ive ever seen, someone who kills people to see if they die. An eagle kind of person if ever there was one . . .

  Om was aware of a mumbling.

  Brutha was lying face down on the deck.

  “What are you doing?” said Om.

  Brutha turned his head.

  “Praying. ”

  “Thats good. What for?”

  “You dont know?”

  “Oh. ”

  If Brutha dies . . .

  The tortoise shuddered in its shell. If Brutha died, then it could already hear in its minds ear the soughing of the wind in the deep, hot places of the desert.

  Where the small gods went.

  Where do gods come from? Where do they go?

  Some attempt to answer this was made by the religious philosopher Koomi of Smale in his book Ego-Video Liber Deorum, which translates into the vernacular roughly as Gods: A Spotters Guide.

  People said there had to be a Supreme Being because otherwise how could the universe exist, eh?

  And of course there clearly had to be, said Koomi, a Supreme Being. But since the universe was a bit of a mess, it was obvious that the Supreme Being hadnt in fact made it. If he had made it he would, being Supreme, have made a much better job of it, with far better thought given, taking an example at random, to thinks like the design of the common nostril. Or, to put it another way, the existence of a badly puttogether watch proved the existence of a blind watchmaker. You only had to look around to see that there was room for improvement practically everywhere.

  This suggested that the Universe had probably been put together in a bit of a rush by an underling while the Supreme Being wasnt looking, in the same way that Boy Scouts Association minutes are done on office photocopiers all over the country.

  So, reasoned Koomi, it was not a good idea to address any prayers to a Supreme Being. It would only attract his attention and might cause trouble.

  And yet there seemed to be a lot of lesser gods around the place. Koomis theory was that gods come into being and grow and flourish because they are believed in. Belief itself is the food of the gods. Initially, when mankind lived in small primitive tribes, there were probably millions of gods. Now there tended to be only a few very important ones-local gods of thunder and love, for example, tended to run together like pools of mercury as the small primitive tribes joined up and became huge, powerful primitive tribes with more sophisticated weapons. But any god could join. Any god could start small. Any god could grow in stature as its believers increased. And dwindle as they decreased. It was like a great big
game of ladders and snakes.

  Gods liked games, provided they were winning.

  Koomis theory was largely based on the good old Gnostic heresy, which tends to turn up all over the multiverse whenever men get up off their knees and start thinking for two minutes together, although the shock of the sudden altitude tends to mean the thinking is a little whacked. But it upsets priests, who tend to vent their displeasure in traditional ways.

  When the Omnian Church found out about Koomi, they displayed him in every town within the Churchs empire to demonstrate the essential flaws in his argument.

  There were a lot of towns, so they had to cut him up quite small.

  Ragged clouds ripped across the skies. The sails creaked in the rising wind, and Om could hear the shouts of the sailors as they tried to outrun the storm.

  It was going to be a big storm, even by the mariners standards. White water crowned the waves.

  Brutha snored in his nest.

  Om listened to the sailors. They were not men who dealt in sophistries. Someone had killed a porpoise, and everyone knew what that meant. It meant that there was going to be a storm. It meant that the ship was going to be sunk. It was simple cause and effect. It was worse than women aboard. It was worse than albatrosses.

  Om wondered if tortoises could swim. Turtles could, he was pretty sure. But those buggers had the shell for it.

  It would be too much to ask (even if a god had anyone to ask) that a body designed for trundling around a dry wilderness had any hydrodynamic properties other than those necessary to sink to the bottom.

  Oh, well. Nothing else for it. He was still a god. He had rights.

  He slid down a coil of rope and crawled carefully to the edge of the swaying deck, wedging his shell against a stanchion so that he could see down into the roiling water.

  Then he spoke in a voice audible to nothing that was mortal.

  Nothing happened for a while. Then one wave rose higher than the rest, and changed shape as it rose. Water poured upward, filling an invisible mold; it was humanoid, but obviously only because it wanted to be. It could as easily have been a waterspout, or an undertow. The sea is always powerful. So many people believe in it. But it seldom answers prayers.

  The water shape rose level with the deck and kept pace with Om.

  It developed a face, and opened a mouth.

  “Well?” it said.

  "Greetings, oh Queen of- Om began.

  The watery eyes focused.

  “But you are just a small god. And you dare to summon me?”

  The wind howled in the rigging.

  “I have believers,” said Om. “So I have the right. ”

  There was the briefest of pauses. Then the Sea Queen said, “One believer?”

  “One or many does not matter here,” said Om. “I have rights. ”

  “And what rights do you demand, little tortoise?” said the Queen of the Sea.

  “Save the ship,” said Om.

  The Queen was silent.

  “You have to grant the request,” said Om. “Its the rules. ”

  “But I can name my price,” said the Sea Queen.

  “Thats the rules, too. ”

  “And it will be high. ”

  “It will be paid. ”

  The column of water began to collapse back into the waves.

  “I will consider this. ”

  Om stared down into the white sea. The ship rolled, sliding him back down the deck, and then rolled back. A flailing foreclaw hooked itself around the stanchion as Oms shell spun around, and for a moment both hind legs paddled helplessly over the waters.