“I don’t want to see that bastard child.” But then she turns her nose away and it all vanishes. “I don’t want anything to do with you or your situation. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me and your father?”
“Embarrassing?” I back away, unable to believe she has just sad that to me. “My situation embarrasses you? So, while I’m really struggling, all you actually care about is yourself.”
“The struggle is something that you brought on yourself, Natasha, I have no sympathy for you.”
“Yes, I can see that now.” I run my eyes all over this woman, wondering what happened to my mother. We haven’t ever been the closest family, but this is something else. This is verging on complete abandonment. “You don’t care about me at all. You probably never have done. Well, I might be having a hard time right now, but at least I know that I learned something from you and that is how not to be a parent.”
Not even my words hurt her. She doesn’t care what I’m saying at all. All that she cares about is looking around to check that no one is listening to our conversation and no one is judging us. That’s the last straw for me, I turn and walk away, knowing for certain that is the last time I will ever see her again.
This day cannot get any worse, I tell myself as I angrily brush the tears away. This is the rock bottom.
“Oh my god, Compton, is that you?” a voice breaks through my shock barrier, bringing the sickness back. That has got to be a lie, some sort of comic joke that has been sent to annihilate me while at my lowest ebb.
“Hey there, Frankie. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I wasn’t able to talk to you at Kayla’s party.”
Urgh, Frankie as well. The two people that I really don’t want to see. Since things are going great for Tara and Jason, I don’t want to see the man who might drag her sinking back down again.
I hide behind a wall and peek to listen to their conversation, just to confirm my worst ever fears. I won’t be able to believe it if I don’t see him. I’ll just think that my brain is trying to torture me further. It’s been doing that a lot, the further I get along in the pregnancy, dreaming about him as if he’s actually here.
“So, what you back in town for, Tony? Got any plans while you’re here.”
Fuck. I lean across and see his face. My heart jolts as I realize that the worst has happened. It is Tony. The guy who abandoned me twice, leaving my life in utter turmoil every single time, is back. He isn’t supposed to come back, he’s supposed to stay in England forever where I don’t have to see him again.
My blood runs ice cold, then all of a sudden, my heart is pumping burning hot all the way through me. I’m a mix of sensations, of feelings, of dizziness. I can barely remain standing upright on my feet.
I can’t let him see me, I tell myself decisively. Not this time. He isn’t around forever. He never is, so I just need to avoid him while he’s here. That shouldn’t be too difficult, surely….
I cup my stomach, deep down knowing that I’m doing the wrong thing by keeping the baby from him, but I can’t stand him doing to our child what he’s done to me. He can’t stick around, and I don’t think any child wants a parent who flies in and out of their lives. That’s worse than not being around at all. Plus, I’m sure if he sees me now, he will assume that I’m only after money from him, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
I’m sorry, baby, I think sadly as the weight of this decision crushes down on me. This is for the best.
“Yeah, I agree, it would be good to get together with the lads. I’ll give you my number and we can sort it…”
I gulp, considering the implications of him giving Frankie his number after running into him randomly like this. We shared two days… two fucking days together, and I never got his number. That should have been my first hint. Even more so now. This is the confirmation that me and him were never meant to be. All the time that I wasted imagining our happy ever after, thinking that he was the one for me, seeing the wedding, the babies, the growing old… now I need to fully accept that isn’t ever going to be the way it pans out.
“Move on,” I warn myself in a near silent tone of voice. “Now and forever. Move on.”
I walk rapidly, my feet moving at the speed of light, just needing to get away from him. There’s a deep magnetic pull, dragging me back towards him which has always been there, but I ignore it. I fight against it and move. Yes, he should have been here the whole time, but he hasn’t been, and he isn’t going to be.
I grab my phone and call Tara, the only emotional support I have at the moment, to tell her everything.
“Hey there!” she practically screams down the phone. “How’s it going?”
It takes me a couple of seconds before I remember that she’s going out tonight. There is a big work event because they’ve had a team building day, which means she’s bound to have had more than one drink already. I can’t get in the way of that. She deserves to have a good night of fun.
“Yeah, it’s good,” I reply in a much too falsely happy tone of voice. “How about you?”
“Oh, it’s great, I’m having just the best day. Me and Jason are so good, you know? I think I might love him.”
Oh god, she is drunk. She’s wasted and it’s still early. The last thing she wants is me dumping all my mom and Tony drama on her. I’ve been doing that enough. She needs to just relax already.
“That’s wonderful, Tara, I’m really happy for you…”
“Well, I don’t think it’s love because it’s only been early days. You know how it is. But I like him a lot…”
“Yeah, I get it, Tara. I know what you mean.”
“Can I come and see you tomorrow? I miss you, girl. I wish you were out with me.”
“I know.” I clutch the phone tightly. It won’t be me out with her ever again. “I wish I was too. Of course you can some and see me tomorrow. I doubt that you’ll remember because you’ll have such a hangover though.”
“But I’m not drunk! I’m barely even tipsy. I’ll be fine to see you tomorrow. Just you wait and see.”
We chat for a little while longer, but she doesn’t manage to make me feel better at all. Until I know for sure that Tony is gone again, which is going to take an annoying bit of stalking, I won’t be able to calm down again.
Although nothing calms me down. I just keep getting worse and worse.
Chapter Ten
Tony
What is this sinking feeling? Why don’t I feel quite right? It’s been this way for a while now, ever since I first got back to America, it hasn’t totally been what I expected, and I don’t know why. The high that I got from stepping off the plane faded quickly, and now I am at place where nothing feels quite right. My life is missing something, and I can’t totally put my finger on it…. actually, that’s a lie. It’s missing everything.
I have a place of my own now which is one good thing, I suppose. Living for two weeks with my mother is enough. It turns out that after such a lengthy separation, living together is too close for comfort. Nothing happened exactly, we just get on so much better when I don’t live under her roof.
I want to figure out what I want to do with my life as well. Something for me. That’s a big part of what I’m supposed to be doing. I suppose it isn’t necessary, I have more than enough money coming in from the company. Ben and Cole are obviously keeping things running smoothly, but it isn’t what I want. I know that for sure now. I want a business of my own… but I haven’t ever had this freedom before, and I don’t fully know what I want.
Since I don’t have my life together, of course I haven’t gone to Natasha. Like I already decided, when I see her next, I need to be the man that she’s always wanted of me. I have to prove to her that I’m worthwhile.
At least I’m on my way to a night out now with some of the guys from high school. Not necessarily people that I was friends with at the time, but that hardly matters. We’re all adults now so what happened back then doesn’t matter. For me, I don’t care who I head out wi
th tonight. I just need to blow off some steam.
“Yo, Compton!” Frankie cries out from outside The Bell, the local bar, the only place anyone around here goes. “You came! I didn’t think that you would. That’s awesome, it’s going to be a great night out.”
I force a smile on my face, trying to get in the mood for fun. I don’t want to be the miserable bastard who ruins the night out, however bad of a mood I’m in. It’ll be fine as soon as I sink a beer anyway, numbing the sadness. “Of course I came. I wanted to catch up with everyone. It’s been forever.”
But as we step inside the bar, it isn’t a massive group of people like it was last time for Kayla’s birthday. It’s just me, Frankie, and a couple of the other guys, but maybe that’s better. A quiet night to catch up. It’s got to be better than sitting in the house all by myself anyway! Anything beats that.
After an hour and a few drinks, I’m much more relaxed and actually managing to have a good time, which is awesome. When I laugh, it isn’t strained, I’m feeling so much happier. Perhaps friendship is what I’ve been missing the whole time. I’ve spent too many days inside my own head with no one to vent to.
“I’ll get the next round.” I stand up a little too quickly, making my head spin. “Same again?”
As everyone nods and I head up to the bar, the doors fly open and all of a sudden, a massive crowd of people ball in. I’m annoyed actually, I was really enjoying the quieter night after all. This crowd is huge and loud, a lot of people who seem to have been drinking all day long. The whole atmosphere in here is going to change. I glance over to the other guys to see their reaction to this, but they look happy to have more interaction.
Maybe I need to see this as a good thing. Perhaps the louder the better…
“Tony!” a familiar voice catches my attention. “Oh my god, Tony, it’s really you.”
I narrow my eyes curiously, wondering who the hell I’m about to be faced with now. A drunk girl staggers through the crowd, pushing people out of the way to get to me, shocking me as I clock on to who she is.
“Tara,” I gasp, stunned. I haven’t ever seen her this way before, but I suppose the last time that I properly hung out with this girl, we were under age and couldn’t drink. “Wow, you look like you’ve had fun.”
“A work thing.” She waves her hand dismissively. “Hey, are you here with Frankie? I saw him at the table.”
“I am actually. Are you two still… well, whatever the hell you are?”
“We are nothing,” she declares a bit too vigorously. “Not anymore. We could have been at one time, but he blew it. He didn’t want to commit to me, so now I have found someone that does. A really nice guy. Jason. He’s here somewhere because he works with me, but I’m not sure where. I’ll have to introduce you.”
“Right,” I nod slowly. We both know that isn’t who I’m really interested in. Not that I can ask.
“You’re okay you, you know.” She slides on to the bar stool beside me, clearly not going anywhere for a while. I suppose it doesn’t matter. Since her crowd came in, I don’t think I’m going to get served any time soon anyway. “I didn’t like you at first, when you and Natasha got together. She was all… wrapped up in you, you know. She didn’t seem to have the same time for me anymore and I didn’t like it. I was all jealous, thinking that you were trying to take her away from me. Of course, that’s just because I didn’t have anyone at the time, so I didn’t know how easy it was to get wrapped up in someone… I suppose a bit like I am now with Jason.”
As a guilty look crosses her face, I try my best to gulp the fear down. I can sense that we’re about to get on to the topic of Natasha, and while that’s exactly what I want, it terrifies me. I’m scared to learn the truth, which might also explain why I keep making excuses to stay away from her. I guess now that I’m about to be faced with the truth I can admit that the idea of her moving on with someone else petrifies me.
“Anyway, you’re actually okay. When you left and broke Natasha’s heart, fucking up her exams…” Urgh, having that confirmed isn’t a nice feeling at all. “I didn’t like you again because she was so sad. But that wasn’t your fault, was it? That was all the drama with your family. I know that now.”
“Right sure… so, you do like me, or you don’t?” I ask with a smile.
“Right now?” She runs her eyes all over me. “Who the fuck knows.”
“What can I possibly have done this time around?” I declare, shocked. Although the truth is, I know the answer. I just want to hear her say it so we can just push on with this conversation already.
“You fucked off again, didn’t you? You swooped in, promised Natasha the world, then left. I suppose there must be a reason for it which is why I haven’t made my mind up fully, but it’s hard to like you.”
“My dad was sick,” I tell her firmly, hoping that there’s at least a small part of her brain that remembers this to pass the message on for me. I want the wheels a little greased if I ever get the courage up to face Natasha. “I had to go back to look after him. He had a bad accident that he never really recovered from.”
“That doesn’t sound good.” Her whole face turns down into a frown. “What happened?”
“He… he died recently. He never fully got better and then his heart gave out.”
“Fuck, that sucks.” She rests her hand on my arm reassuringly. “Okay, well I like you again then. You can’t help that. You should always look after your family, shouldn’t you? Unlike Natasha’s.”
I nod, guessing this must be just a broad statement because her parents have always been a little off. My family life wasn’t the easiest but at least I never had to suffer through the coldness that was in her home.
“So, Tony,” Tara says smilingly. “Now that I like you again, are you going to buy me a drink or what?”
“I can buy you a drink… if I ever get served!”
As I try to get the attention of the bar maid, Freddie slyly makes an appearance next to us. I watch out the corner of my eye as he tries to put his moves on Tara, but she’s totally oblivious to them. Wow, she must be really in to this boyfriend of hers to not fall for Freddie. She’s been doing that as long as I’ve known her.
That’s good. I quite like the pair of them, but one of them had to break that cycle. It wasn’t great.
To celebrate that, I add a shot for me and Tara to the order, glad that she has finally discovered some happiness. She might not have always liked me, but I haven’t ever had an issue with her. I want her to have a good life. At least some of us from the same high school class need to have that.
“Oh yay! A shot.” Tara clinks her glass against mine and we toss them back in an instant. The hot disgusting liquid burning as it tears down my throat at the speed of light. “Urgh, that was gross.”
“Yeah, it really was.” I wipe the remnants from the side of my lips. “Sorry about that.”
“That’s okay. This other drink will take care of me… oh and you got me a water as well.”
“I’m not trying to be presumptuous or anything,” I laugh. “You just seem a little wild.”
“You would be a good dad, you know?” she answers, as if this is the natural way for the conversation to go.
“Erm, Thanks? Although I don’t know if I would be buying my hypothetical child a shot first.”
“Hypothetical? No, I mean the real one.” She rolls her eyes at me like I’m the crazy one.
I furrow my eyebrows together. “I don’t have a real child, you must be mixing me up with someone else.”
“Just because he isn’t born yet, doesn’t mean he isn’t real.”
“Tara, I honestly have lost you. I don’t know what you’re talking about. As far as I know, I don’t have any children… and I’m pretty sure that’s something I would be made aware of.”
“Not if you were half way around the world, you wouldn’t? Natasha didn’t know how to speak to you.”
All of a sudden, this conversation has taken a bit of a funny t
urn. I don’t know if this is hypothetical anymore or if it’s a joke, but it’s knocked the wind right from me. I can’t breathe no matter how hard I try.
“Tara, what are you talking about? When it comes to Natasha, I mean? Are you having a laugh?”
She looks me dead in the face and although her eyes are glazed over slightly drunkenly I can see how serous she is. “Oh, that’s right. You don’t know, do you? I forgot about that.” She slaps her hand to her forehead. “Natasha is having a baby. Your baby. The one that you created when you were last in America.”
The world spins rapidly, I feel about ready to fall to the floor in shock. I thought that this time when I left, I didn’t make any massive impact on her life, but it seems that I was wrong. This time was worse than the exams, way more dramatic. Me and her are having a baby…
Chapter Eleven
Natasha
The loud knocking at my door shakes me from my sleep. I guess at some point I gave up and crashed on the couch while watching TV, so the interruption is probably a good thing. I would be super achy if I didn’t get most of my sleep in bed. That’s one very difficult thing about being pregnant… everything hurts.
“Coming!” I call out while typing my robe tightly around me. It has to be Tara, she’s out, she’s drunk, and she made a comment about coming to see me. She must have just decided to do it now rather than waiting for the hangover to kick in. God, I can already imagine the nightmare this is going to be. “Hold on.”
As I swing the door open, ready to practically carry a drunken Tara inside, it isn’t her on the door but someone else who I never expected in my life again. I stop dead in my tracks and take far too long to process what’s going on. How come he’s here?
“How the hell did you find out where I live?” I pinch out angrily. He isn’t supposed to know, I should be safe in my own house, but I’m not. He’s here. “What are you doing here? I don’t understand…”
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