present as thelegal adviser of the New York branch, was called upon for a speech andresponded by saying that he felt there was little left for him to say,but after listening to the ancestry and history of the family he felthe could cast his eyes toward heaven and say, "Oh, Lord! thou art theclay and we are the Potters."
* * * * *
A Massachusetts minister was making his first visit to Kentuckyseveral years ago. He had to spend the night in a small mountain townwhere feuds and moonshine still abounded. Engaging in conversationwith one of the natives, he said:
"My friend, this is a very bibulous State, I hear."
"Lord!" replied the man, "there hain't twenty-five Bibles in allKentucky."
* * * * *
An elderly gentleman opposed to the use of tobacco approached a youngman who stood on a street corner smoking a cigar, and asked himseverely, "How many cigars a day do you smoke?" "Three," was thereply. "How much do you pay for them?" he went on. "Fifteen centseach," replied the young man patiently. "Do you realize," went on hisinquisitor, "that if you would save that money, by the time you are asold as I am you would own that big building on the corner?" "Do _you_own it?" inquired the smoker. "No," was the response. "Well, I do,"said the young man.
* * * * *
EVERYBODY'S FRIEND IN NOVA SCOTIA
J. R. FULLER,
Dealer in Soft and Hard Coal, Ice Cream, Wood, Lime, Cement, Perfumery, Nails, Putty, Spectacles, and Horse Radish. Chocolate Caramels and Tar Roofing, Gas-Fitting and Undertaking in all its Branches.
Hides, Tallow, and Maple Sirup, Fine Gold Jewelry, Silverware, and Salt, Glue, Codfish, and Gents' Neckwear. Undertaker and Confectioner. Diseases of Horses and Children a Specialty. Five Islands, N. S.
* * * * *
A Lady going out for the day locked everything up carefully, and forthe grocer's benefit left a card on the back door.
"All out. Don't leave anything," it read.
On her return she found her house ransacked and all her choicestpossessions gone. To the card on the door was added, "Thanks. Wehaven't left much."
* * * * *
"Edward Everett Hale," said a lawyer, "was one of the guests at amillionaire's dinner.
"The millionaire was a free spender, but he wanted full credit forevery dollar put out.
"And as the dinner progressed, he told his guests what the moreexpensive dishes had cost.
"'This terrapin,' he would say, 'was shipped direct from Baltimore. ABaltimore cook came on to prepare it. The dish actually cost onedollar a teaspoonful.'
"So he talked of the fresh peas, the hot-house asparagus, the CoventGarden peaches, and the other courses. He dwelt especially on theexpense of the large and beautiful grapes, each bunch a foot long,each grape bigger than a plum. He told down to a penny what he hadfigured it out that the grapes had cost him apiece.
"The guests looked annoyed. They ate the expensive grapes charily. ButDr. Hale, smiling, extended his plate and said:
"'Would you mind cutting me off about $1.87 worth more, please?'"
* * * * *
Joe Jefferson had but one person with him who did not reverence theman and the name.
This individual, one Bagley by name, was the property man and annoyedthe great comedian with undue familiarity. He had called Mr. Jefferson"Joey" during his entire thirty years' service.
Just previous to an auspicious opening in one of the big cities, Mr.Jefferson discharged Bagley for humiliating him before a number offriends. Bagley got drunk right away, and that night paid his way tothe gallery to see Mr. Jefferson present "Rip Van Winkle." The angryFrau has just driven poor, destitute Rip from the cottage when Ripturns and, with a world of pathos, asks: "Den haf I no interest indis house?" The house is deathly still, the audience half in tears,when Bagley's cracked voice responds: "Only eighty per cent,Joey--only eighty per cent."
* * * * *
Dean Hole, the noted English clergyman who died recently, was theleading figure in many humorous stories. On one occasion he wascrossing the Channel after a visit to the Continent, the voyage beingvery stormy.
The Dean was a bad sailor and had suffered a great deal on the trip.At Dover he was looking over the railway company's rules on thestation wall as a passenger came up. Said the Dean: "After that stormyvoyage we have at least one advantage in making the subsequent trip toLondon. I see the company carries returning empties at reduced rates."
* * * * *
Gilbert Stuart, though a celebrated artist, was likewise a greatbraggart. On one occasion a great public dinner was given to IsaacHull by the town of Boston, and he was asked to sit for his picture tothe artist.
When Hull visited the studio Stuart took great delight in entertaininghim with anecdotes of his English success, stories of the marquis ofthis and the baroness of that, which showed how elegant was thesociety to which he had been accustomed.
Unfortunately, in the midst of this grandeur, Mrs. Stuart, who did notknow that there was a sitter, came in with apron on and her head tiedup with some handkerchiefs, from the kitchen, and cried out: "Do youmean to have that leg of mutton boiled or roasted?" to which Stuartreplied, with great presence of mind, "Ask your mistress."
* * * * *
This story is related of an old-time Judge in Sullivan County, N. Y.:
During a session of court there was so much talking and laughter goingon that the Judge, becoming angry and confused, shouted in greatwrath:
"Silence, here! We have decided half a dozen cases this morning, and Ihave not heard a word of one of them."
* * * * *
Irving Bacheller, the author of "Eben Holden," went a little farthernorth than usual one summer while on his vacation, and penetratedNewfoundland. He caught a good many fish, but this did not prevent hiskeeping an eye on the natives. He was particularly impressed by themen who spent the day lounging about the village stores.
"What do you fellows do when you sit around the store like this?" heasked of the crowd arranged in a circle of tilted chairs and emptyboxes and maintaining a profound silence.
"Well," drawled one of the oldest, "sometimes we set and think, andthen again other times we jest set."
* * * * *
Not long before his death Thomas B. Reed visited some friends at theirsummer residence at Watch Hill, R. I. Late in the afternoon he wasdriven up to Westerly to take the 7 o'clock train for Boston. It wasa warm evening, the horses lagged and he missed the train, the lastBoston-bound train stopping at Westerly that night.
As Mr. Reed had an important engagement in Boston early the next day,he seemed worried until he learned that there was a Boston expresswhich passed Westerly at 9 o'clock. Then he smiled.
Going to the telegraph office, he directed a telegram to thesuperintendent of the road in Boston, and sent the following message:
"Will you stop the 9 o'clock express at Westerly to-night for a largeparty for Boston."
The answer came: "Yes. Will stop train."
Mr. Reed read the message, and smiled. When the train pulled in Mr.Reed quietly started to board it, when the conductor said: "Where isthat large party we were to stop for?"
"I am the large party," replied Mr. Reed, and he boarded the train.
* * * * *
Wilfred was sitting upon his father's knee watching his motherarranging her hair.
"Papa hasn't any Marcel waves like that," said the father, laughingly.
Wilfred, looking up at his father's bald pate, replied, "Nope; nowaves; it's all beach."
* * * * *
The Prince of Wales is fond of telling a good story
to his friends inconnection with his visit to Ottawa some few years ago. ThePrince--then Duke of York--stole away for a quiet bicycle spin earlyone morning, and in his ramblings met a farmer, heading marketward,his wagon temporarily stalled by the loss of a nut belonging to thewhiffletree bolt. His Royal Highness, with his usual democratickindness, assisted him in putting things right. On parting, the farmerexpressed his rough thanks and asked if he might know the name of theperson to whom he was indebted. The royal cyclist replied modestly: "Iam the Duke of York. And may I ask whom I have the pleasure ofaddressing?" A broad, amused smile beamed from the farmer's face as hesaid: "Me! Me! Why, I'm your uncle, the Czar of Russia!"
* * * * *
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Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1 Page 6
