the depthsof his ragged clothes), here's that watch; take it and welcome."
* * * * *
The other day an ingenious-looking person called with the message tothe housewife that her husband had sent him for his dress suit, whichwas to be pressed and redone by the tailor.
"Dear me," said the housewife, "he said nothing to me about it. Did helook quite well?"
"Yes, mum; he wuz in good health and spirits."
"And he seemed quite as if he knew what he was about?"
"He did that, mum."
"And did he look as if he were quite content with things about him?"
"He was all that, mum."
"Well," said the lady, "it seems strange that he should only think ofthat dress suit now, because it's ten years since he's dead andburied, and I've often wondered how he's been getting on."
* * * * *
Two friends were walking down Bond Street, London. A man came up andsaluted the elder: "How do you do, Lord ----?"
"Ah! how-do? Glad to see you. How's the old complaint?"
The stranger's face clouded over and he shook his head. "No better."
"Dear me; so sorry. Glad to have met you. Good-by."
"Who's your friend?" asked the other, when the stranger was gone.
"No idea."
"Why, you asked him about his old complaint!"
"Pooh, pooh!" replied the nobleman, unconcernedly. "The old fellow'swell over sixty; bound to have something the matter with him."
* * * * *
"Did you tip the waiter?"
"Yes, so to speak. I turned him down."
* * * * *
Dr. Jowett of Oxford was a formidable wit. At a gathering at which hewas present the talk ran upon the comparative gifts of two Balliol menwho had been made respectively a judge and a bishop. Prof. HenrySmith, famous in his day for his brilliancy, pronounced the bishop tobe the greater man of the two for this reason: "A judge, at the most,can only say, 'You be hanged,' whereas a bishop can say, 'You bedamned!'"
"Yes," said Dr. Jowett, but if the judge says, "'You be hanged,' you_are_ hanged."
* * * * *
"I'm so glad you've come. We're going to have a young married couplefor dinner."
"I'm glad too. They ought to be tender."
* * * * *
"I pay as I go," declared the pompous citizen.
"Not while I'm running these apartments," declared the janitor."You'll pay as you move in."
* * * * *
Among seven distinguished men who were to speak at the openingexercises of a new school was a professor well known for his lapses ofmemory. But his speech was clear that night, and as he seated himselfhis loving wife felt that he had fully earned the burst of applausethat followed, and she clapped her little hands enthusiastically.Then her cheeks crimsoned.
"Did you see anything amusing about the close of my address, my dear?"asked the Professor as they started for home. "It seemed as if I heardsounds suggestive of merriment about me."
"Well, dear," said she, "of all the people who applauded your address,you clapped the loudest and longest."
* * * * *
Teacher--"What is the Hague tribunal?"
Willie--"The Hague tribunal ar--"
Teacher--"Don't say 'The Hague tribunal are,' Willie; use is."
Willie--"The Hague tribunal isbitrates national controversies."
* * * * *
Sir Wilfrid Laurier was once on an electioneering tour in Ontario and,as the elections were bitterly contested, every effort was made tostir up race and religious prejudice. One day a Quebec Liberal sentthis telegram to Sir Wilfrid: "Report in circulation in this countrythat your children have not been baptized. Telegraph denial." To thisthe Premier replied: "Sorry to say report is correct. I have nochildren."
* * * * *
The teacher of one of the rooms in a school in the suburbs ofCleveland had been training her pupils in anticipation of a visit fromthe school commissioner. At last he came, and the classes were calledout to show their attainments.
The arithmetic class was the first called, and in order to make a goodimpression the teacher put the first question to Johnny Smith, thestar pupil.
"Johnny, if coal is selling at $6 per ton, and you pay the coal dealer$24, how many tons of coal will he bring you?"
"Three," was the prompt reply from Johnny.
The teacher, much embarrassed, said, "Why, Johnny, that isn't right."
"Oh, I know it ain't, but they do it anyhow."
* * * * *
A publisher who occupied a loft in New York directed one of his clerksto hang out a "Boy wanted" sign at the entrance. The card had beenswaying in the breeze only a few minutes when a red-headed little tadclimbed to the publisher's office with the sign under his arm.
"Say, mister," he demanded of the publisher, "did youse hang out thishere 'Boy Wanted' sign?"
"I did," replied the publisher sternly. "Why did you tear it down?"
"Hully gee!" he blurted. "Why, I'm the boy!" And he was.
* * * * *
A distinguished surgeon, Dr. Abernethy by name, famed for his laconicspeech as well as for his professional skill, met one day his equal ina woman of few words, who came to him with a hand badly swollen andinflamed.
"Burn?" asked the doctor.
"Bruise."
"Poultice."
The next day the patient returned and the dialogue was resumed.
"Better?"
"Worse."
"More poultice."
Two days later the woman called again, and this was the conversation:
"Better?"
"Well. Fee?"
"Nothing!" exclaimed the doctor. "Most sensible woman I ever met!"
* * * * *
Visitor--"Well, Harold, what are you going to be when you grow up?"
Harold--"Oh, I'm going to be a sailor; but baby's only going to bejust an ordinary father."
* * * * *
No amount of persuasion or punishment could keep Johnnie from runningaway. The excitement of being pursued and of being brought back to atearful family appealed to his sense of the dramatic and offset theslight discomfort that sometimes followed.
Finally his mother determined upon a new method. She decided, aftermany misgivings, that the next time Johnnie ran away no noticewhatever should be taken of it. He should stay away as long as hepleased and return when he saw fit.
In a few days the youngster again disappeared. His mother was firm inher resolve and no search was made. Great was poor Johnnie'sdisappointment. He managed to stay away all day, but when it began togrow dark his courage failed and he started for home. He sneakedignominiously into the kitchen. Nobody spoke to him. Apparently hisabsence had not been noticed. This was too much. As soon asopportunity offered he remarked casually, "Well, I see you've got thesame old cat."
* * * * *
A gentleman who happened to come in rather late at a dinner found thatthe guests had finished soup and were on with the next course. When hehad sat down a waiter came up and said, "Soup, sir?" "No, thanks," hereplied, whereupon the waiter went away. Another waiter, seeing he hadnothing, said to him, "Soup, sir?" He replied rather testily, "No,thank you." A third waiter, who saw him come in and took compassion onhim, placed the soup in front of him. "Look here, my man, is thiscompulsory?" "No, sir; it's mulligatawny," replied the waiter.
* * * * *
A big, burly, fierce-looking man and a meek, inoffensive-lookinglittle chap were sawing timber with a cross-cut saw. A strappingIrishman, passing that way, stopped to watch them. Back and forth,back and forth, they pulled at the saw. Finally the Irishman coul
dstand it no longer. With a whoop and a yell he rushed at the big manand brought him to the ground, burying his knees deep into thesawyer's chest.
Biff! Bang! Thump! Biff!
"There," he said, letting him have one parting blow square on thenose, "now m'bbe ye'll let the little felly hev it!"
* * * * *
Oliver Herford once entered a doubtful-looking restaurant in a smallNew York town and ordered a lamb-chop. After a long delay the waiterreturned, bearing a plate on which reposed a dab of
Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1 Page 8
