*
Little Alice is old for her years. One evening after she had gone tobed she heard mama and papa laughing in much enjoyment over a game offlinch; she longed to get up and join them, but knew she must not. Thenext morning at breakfast she was very quiet. Presently she drew adeep sigh, and said, "What a good time you and papa had last night.Oh, I feel the need of a husband, mama, I _do_ feel it!"
* * * * *
A teacher in one of the primary schools of New York recently read toher pupils "The Old Oaken Bucket."
After explaining the song to them very carefully, she asked the classto copy the first stanza from the blackboard, where she had writtenit, and try to illustrate the verse by drawings in the same way astory is illustrated.
In a short while one little girl handed up her paper with severallittle dots between two lines, a circle, half a dozen dots, and threebuckets.
"I do not quite understand this, Mamie," said the teacher, kindly."What is that circle?"
"Oh, that's the well," Mamie replied.
"And why do you have three buckets?" again asked the teacher.
"One," answered the child, "is the oaken bucket, one is the iron-boundbucket, and the other is the moss-covered bucket that hung in thewell."
"But, Mamie, what are all these little dots for?"
"Why those are the spots which my infancy knew," earnestly repliedMamie.
* * * * *
Four gentlemen went out to dine. They were Arthur Balfour, JosephChamberlain, Lord Charles Beresford, and the Japanese Minister. Mr.Arthur Balfour was standing treat and said to Joey, "What will youtake?" "Oh, thanks, I'll take Scotch, Arthur." "And what will youtake, Lord Charles?" "Oh, thanks, I'll take Irish, Arthur." "And now,what will you take?" addressing the Japanese Minister. "I'll take PortArthur, thanks."
* * * * *
Not long after the great Chelsea fire some children in Newton,Massachusetts, held a Charity Fair by which eighteen dollars wererealized. This they forwarded to the rector of a certain Bostonchurch who had taken a prominent part in the relief work, with aletter which read somewhat as follows:
"We have had a fair and made eighteen dollars. We are sending it toyou. Please give it to the Chelsea sufferers.
"Yours truly, etc.
"P. S. We hope the suffering is not all over."
* * * * *
A story is told of a certain committee meeting in which theproceedings commenced with noise and gradually became uproarious. Atlast one of the disputants, losing all control over his emotions,exclaimed to his opponent: "Sir, you are, I think, the biggest assthat I ever had the misfortune to set eyes upon!" "Order! order!" saidthe chairman, gravely; "you seem to forget that I am in the room."
* * * * *
An Irish priest had labored hard with one of his flock to induce himto give up whisky. "I tell you, Michael," said the priest, "whisky isyour worst enemy, and you should keep as far away from it as you can.""The enemy is it, father?" responded Michael, "and it was yourriverence's self that was telling us in the pulpit last Sunday to loveour enemies." "So I was, Michael," rejoined the priest, "but I didn'ttell you to swallow them."
* * * * *
A Sabbath-school worker was visiting a Sabbath-school some distancefrom home. Being called upon to address the school, he commenced byasking, "Who can tell me something about Peter?" (the lesson was aboutPeter that day). Having received no answer from either large or smallpupils, he again made the request. This time a little girl put up herhand. He called the little girl to him and placed her upon a chair.After complimenting her on her bravery and brightness, he asked her totell him all she knew about Peter. In return came the following:
"Peter, Peter, pumpkin-eater, Had a wife and couldn't keep her; Put her in a pumpkin shell Where he kept her very well."
* * * * *
Senator Beveridge, in recommending broad and generous views to thegraduating class of a medical school, told this story:
"I once saw two famous physicians introduced at a reception. They weredeservedly famous, but they were of opposing schools; and the regular,as he shook the other by the hand, said loudly:
"'I am glad to meet you as a gentleman, sir, though I can't admit thatyou are a physician.'
"'And I,' said the homeopathist, smiling faintly, 'am glad to meet youas a physician, though I can't admit you are a gentleman.'"
* * * * *
At a recent dinner in London the conversation turned to the subject oflynching in the United States. It was the general opinion that a largepercentage of Americans met death at the end of a rope. Finally thehostess turned to an American, who had taken no part in theconversation, and said:
"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs."
"Yes," he replied, "we take a kind of municipal pride in seeing whichcity can show the greatest number of lynchings yearly."
"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke inhalf a dozen voices at once.
"The night before I sailed for England," said Eugene Field, "I wasgiving a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when acolored waiter spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at anadjoining table. The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of herparty at once seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at asignal from the injured lady swung him into the air."
"Horrible," said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually seethis yourself?"
"Well, no," admitted the American apologetically. "Just at that momentI happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard inthe blanc mange."
* * * * *
Mrs. Jones recently spent a few days at a farm, and in a moment oforiginality bought some poultry from the farmer with a view to theirproviding fresh eggs for breakfast every morning. She sent them totown per the local carrier, despatching a note at the same time to herhusband telling him to look out for the consignment. When Jonesreached home from his office he inquired if the poultry had arrived.The servant told him they had, but the man had carelessly put them inthe back yard, leaving the door open, and they had all escaped.Thereupon a fowl hunt was immediately organized. The next day Jonessaw the carrier. "Nice trick you played me yesterday," said he; "spentthree hours hunting those fowls and only found ten." "Then thinkyourself blessed lucky," replied the man. "I only brought six."
* * * * *
A patronizing young lord was seated opposite the late James McNeillWhistler at dinner one evening. During a lull in the conversation headjusted his monocle and leaned forward toward the artist.
"Aw, y' know, Mr. Whistler," he drawled, "I pahssed your house thismawning."
"Thank you," said Whistler quietly. "Thank you very much."
* * * * *
The new minister in a Georgia church was delivering his first sermon.The darky janitor was a critical listener from a back corner of thechurch. The minister's sermon was eloquent, and his prayers seemed tocover the whole category of human wants.
After the services one of the deacons asked the old darky what hethought of the new minister. "Don't you think he offers up a goodprayer, Joe?"
"Ah mos' suhtainly does, boss. Why, dat man axed de good Lord fo'things dat de odder preacher didn't even know He had!"
* * * * *
For weeks the kindergarten had been deluged with nature verses, andthe process of absorption was far advanced. Sufficiently to admit ofa little squeezing with results, thought the teacher.
"Now, children," she said, "I want you each to bring in a little versethat you have made yourselves about the buds, or the trees, or theflowers, or anything that pleases you."
Various specimens were produced next day, but the gem of thecollection was little May Flynn's. With appropriate gestures sher
ecited:
"See the pretty gold fish swimming in the globe! See the pretty robin singing in the tree! Who teached these two to fly together? Who stucked the fur upon their breasts? 'Twas God. 'Twas God. He done it."
* * * * *
A story about King Edward is worth repeating. Just before the illnesswhich caused the postponement of the coronation, he was racing downone of the country roads in his motor-car at a speed which was awaybeyond the legal limit.
"Hi! Hi!" called a policeman. "Stop there, in the name of the law!"
His
Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1 Page 20
