"There's nothing at all the matterwith you. But I'd hate to be the only man you've made a fool of on anight like this."
* * * * *
Dr. L. E. Wilson, a wealthy young Baltimore physician, was awakenedone stormy night by a man who declared the doctor's services werewanted three miles out in the country. Just before the doctor calledup the stable for his horse, the visitor asked what the charge wouldbe. "Three dollars," was the reply. When the house containing thesupposed patient was reached, the man alighted first, and, handing thedoctor three dollars, remarked: "That will be all, doctor. I couldn'tfind a hackman who would do it for less than six dollars."
* * * * *
A certain prosy preacher recently gave an endless discourse on theprophets. First he dwelt at length on the minor prophets. At last hefinished them, and the congregation gave a sigh of relief. He took along breath and continued: "Now I shall proceed to the majorprophets."
After the major prophets had received more than ample attention thecongregation gave another sigh of relief.
"Now that I have finished with the minor prophets and the majorprophets, what about Jeremiah? Where is Jeremiah's place?"
At this point a tall man arose in the back of the church. "Jeremiahcan have my place," he said; "I'm going home."
* * * * *
Any one who has traveled on the New York subway in rush hours caneasily appreciate the following:
A little man, wedged into the middle of a car, suddenly thought ofpickpockets, and quite as suddenly remembered that he had some moneyin his overcoat. He plunged his hand into his pocket and was somewhatshocked upon encountering the fist of a fat fellow-passenger.
"Aha" snorted the latter. "I caught you that time!"
"Leggo!" snarled the little man. "Leggo my hand!"
"Pickpocket!" hissed the fat man.
"Scoundrel!" retorted the little one.
Just then a tall man in their vicinity glanced up from his paper.
"I'd like to get off here," he drawled, "if you fellows don't mindtaking your hands out of my pocket."
* * * * *
Aunt Mahaly, an old negress with a worthless husband, was relating hertroubles to her minister. The usual condolences were offered by thelatter and remedies suggested, but at each one Aunt Mahaly shook adoubting head--she had tried them all without avail.
The minister sighed and pondered, and at last had an inspiration. Heleaned to Aunt Mahaly, who brightened visibly.
"Sis' Mahaly," he said, "hab you eber tried heapin' coals er fire onhis haid?"
The gleam of hope faded from Aunt Mahaly's face.
"No, Bre'r Jackson, I ain't never done dat, but I's tried po'in' hotwater ovuh him."
* * * * *
A barber in South Bend, having been out late the night before, had ashaky hand the next morning and cut a patron's cheek four times. Aftereach accident the barber said, as he sponged away the blood: "Oh, dearme, how careless!"
The patron took all these gashes in grave silence. But when the shavewas over he filled a glass at the water-cooler, took a mouthful ofwater, and, with compressed lips, proceeded to shake his head fromside to side.
"What is the matter?" the barber asked. "You ain't got the toothache,have you?"
"No," said the customer; "I only wanted to see if my mouth would stillhold water without leaking."
* * * * *
At one of the lectures by Professor George Kirchwey, dean of ColumbiaLaw College, New York, the students were uneasy. There was somethingwrong in the air. Books were dropped, chairs were pushed along thefloor. There were various interruptions. The nerves of all were onedge. The members of the class kept their eyes on the clock andawaited the conclusion of the hour of the lecture. The clock beatProfessor Kirchwey by perhaps a minute, but at the expiration of theschedule time the students started to their feet and prepared toleave. "Wait a minute," objected Professor Kirchwey; "don't go justyet. I have a few more pearls to cast."
* * * * *
Mrs. Flint _always_ demanded instant and unquestioning obedience fromher children. One afternoon a storm came up and she sent her son Johnto close the trapdoor leading to the roof.
"But mother--" said John.
"John, I told you to shut the trapdoor."
"Yes, but, Mother--"
"John, shut that trapdoor."
"All right, Mother, if you say so, but--"
"John!"
John slowly climbed the stairs and shut the trapdoor. The storm howledand raged. Two hours later the family gathered for tea. When the mealwas half over Aunt Mary had not appeared, and Mrs. Flint started aninvestigation. She did not have to ask many questions; John answeredthe first one:
"Please, Mother, she is up on the roof."
* * * * *
An absent-minded scientist, in the employ of the government atWashington, recently met his physician in the street.
"I don't know what's the matter with me, Doctor," said the man ofscience. "I am limping badly to-day. Do you think it's locomotorataxia?"
"Scarcely that," replied the physician. "You are walking with one footon the curb and the other in the gutter."
* * * * *
One Sunday John Wanamaker visited the Sunday-school classes in whichhe was greatly interested, and after talking the lesson over told thepupils he would try to answer any questions the boys or girls wantedto ask him.
One little girl raised her hand, and spoke out timidly: "Will youplease tell me, Mr. Wanamaker, how much those large French dolls arethat you have in your show-window?"
* * * * *
Judge--"Have you been arrested before?"
Prisoner--"No, sir."
Judge--"Have you been in this court before?"
Prisoner--"No, sir."
Judge--"Are you certain?"
Prisoner--"I am, sir."
Judge--"But your face looks decidedly familiar. Where have I seen itbefore?"
Prisoner--"I'm the bartender in the saloon across the way, sir."
* * * * *
Henry Guy Carleton, wit, journalist, and playwright, has an impedimentin his speech about which he is not in the least sensitive. MeetingNat Goodwin one day he asked:
"G-g-goodwin, c-c-an you g-g-give m-m-me f-f-fifteen m-m-minutes?"
"Certainly," replied the comedian, "what is it?"
"I w-w-want to have f-f-five m-m-minutes' c-c-conversation with you."
* * * * *
A German pedler rapped timidly at the kitchen entrance. Mrs. Kelly,angry at being interrupted in her washing, flung open the door andglowered at him.
"Did yez wish to see me?" she demanded in threatening tones.
The pedler backed off a few steps.
"Vell, if I did," he assured her with an apologetic grin, "I got myvish, thank you."
* * * * *
A lady from South America possessed of a decidedly quick temper cameto New York with a very incomplete knowledge of the English language.At her hotel she rang for the chambermaid. But a waiter came instead.Having ascertained that the name of the chambermaid was Susan, thelady marshaled her meager knowledge of English in a desperate effortto make the waiter understand that he should call the chambermaid.What she said to him, however, was:
"Call me Susan!"
The waiter leaned against the wall much alarmed.
"Call me Susan!" shouted the South American.
The waiter became appalled.
"Call me Susan!" roared the lady, her eyes flashing furiously.
"Susan, then--if you will have it!" exclaimed the poor waiter. Then hefled precipitately.
* * * * *
"Please, mum," began the aged hero in appealing tones, as he stood atthe kitchen-door on w
ashday, "I've lost my leg--"
"Well, I ain't got it," snapped the woman, slamming the door.
* * * * *
In the absence of the regularly appointed spokesman, Mr. Makinbrakeshad reluctantly consented to make a presentation speech.
"Miss Higham," he said, "unfortunately it is my--er--fortunate lot tofulfill the embarrassing--the pleasant duty of--of inflicting a fewremarks upon this occasion--which is highly appreciated, I assure you,and by none more so than myself, for the reason that--in short, as Imay say, it falls to my lot to convey, so to speak, the assurancesof--that is, with the assurances of those to whom--to whom I
Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers, Vol. 1 Page 26
