“I couldn’t be pregnant, could I?”
“Well, I guess that’s a question only you would know. Have you been using protection?”
Since before Callum and I started dating, I’ve been on birth control. Gram got me on it when I was still a teenager in high school. I used to get the worst cramps and the doctor recommended it to help with my cycle.
For as long as I remember, I’ve never missed a pill. I was always on top of it. Every morning I’d wake up, take a shower, and while I was standing in the bathroom, I’d take my pill just before I’d brush my teeth.
My mind flashes back to the week of the wedding. I woke up the day before from a phone call from Kinsley saying the DJ had called and had to back out of our reservation. She was panicking so I pulled myself out of bed, threw on a pair of leggings and a baseball cap, and was out the door. I was halfway down the road when I realized I hadn’t even brushed my teeth, much less my hair or even remembered to take my pill.
It was the next morning when I went about my routine and was about to take my pill that it dawned on me, I had forgotten. Kicking myself for my senseless error, I took two pills that morning telling myself certainly one day wasn’t going to make that big of a difference.
Could it be I was wrong?
“Oh, Kinsley,” I sigh, setting my half uneaten sandwich back down on the plate. The nerves wracking through me, making it nearly impossible to eat now.
“Don’t get worried, it’s going to be okay. I mean, it’s not like you’re young and reckless. You’re married, to a man who would give you the world, and the two of you would make amazing parents. Could you imagine a little Callum running around?”
The mention of Callum as a little boy with sandy blonde hair and the cutest dimples in the world, nearly melts my heart into a puddle of goo on the floor. Callum would make the best dad.
“Do you want me to get a pregnancy test and come over? Would it make you feel better now to find out?”
I check the time on the clock and it’s just after eleven in the morning. Callum won’t be home until well after five.
“Would you?”
There’s a quiver in my voice and Kinsley must hear it, too, as she repeats again, “It’s going to be okay, Ellie. I promise.”
Time seems to creep by slowly as I wander around the house aimlessly waiting for her to get here. I try to busy myself with laundry and loading the dishwasher, but the entire time my mind is on the thought of me being pregnant. I picture the look on Callum’s face when I tell him, remembering the night in our bed when he told me he wanted to give me a baby.
For so long, I never thought the love I have found with Callum would ever be possible. I was just getting through life, day by day. The day I met him at the bus station, it was like my entire world shifted and everything fell into place.
Every day from that point forward, I’ve felt like I’ve been subconsciously holding my breath. Sadly, every time something good happens in my life, there is always a blow to reality reminding me never to forget how quickly it can be taken away.
There’s a part of me that wants to be over the moon at the thought of having a baby of my own. Then there’s the very real part of me that’s terrified out of the fear it could all be taken away from me. That’s the exact reason why I decide to hold off on telling Callum until I know for certain I’m pregnant, no matter what this test says.
As much as I want to see the look on his face when I tell him we’re having a baby, nothing would compare to the moment I would have to tell him our dreams are no longer the reality we thought. I just couldn’t bear the thought of taking this from him the same way life has taken from me countless times.
There’s a harsh knock on the door and for the first time in the past hour, I’m finally moving around with a sense of urgency. My feet skid across the floor from my socks, as I hurry toward the door, swinging it open to see Kinsley standing there smiling while holding the bag in the air.
“I got the goods. Let’s do this!”
Leave it to Kinsley to break up the tension I was feeling before. I can’t help but laugh as her eyebrows wag, before she bounces in through the door, kicking off her shoes behind her.
“Okay,” she pauses, reaching in the bag and tossing it onto the back of the couch. She pops open the box, unwrapping the stick before shoving it into my hands. “You take the little cap off the end there and pee on the end of this thing.”
Crinkling my nose up, I reply, “Yeah, I’ve seen the commercials.”
Kinsley follows along behind me to the bathroom. Leaning against the wall opposite of the door, she crosses her arms over her chest and smiles at me. “I’ll wait here for you.”
Flashing a forced smile, I push the door shut and go through the motions of taking the test.
“You okay in there?” Kinsley’s reassuring voice filters through the crack in the door.
I push the cap back on the test and set it down on the edge of the sink, before pulling the door open.
“Well?” she asks, looking at me.
“I’m not sure yet. Still waiting,” I sigh, sitting down on the edge of the bathtub massaging my forehead.
“You really shouldn’t be so worried. It’s going to be okay.”
“Is it? I don’t know the first thing about being a mom, Kinsley. Not a clue. Hell, I’m still convinced I’m failing at this whole wife thing already. Ever since we’ve been home, all I’ve been doing is lying around and sleeping. This child would be screwed.”
“Oh, shut it,” she says, her reassuring voice gone. I stare up at her, caught off guard by the change in her tone. “You are not failing as a wife and you most certainly would not fail as a mom. You may have had a shitty example set in front of you, but I know you’ve told me how amazing your dad and Grams were.”
Tears well up in my eyes at her words. She’s right. My mom may not have been the parent I needed her to be after I lost my dad, but I still had two amazing people in my life who showed me how to treat a child with love.
The mood shifts when Kinsley picks up the test, before glancing up at me and back down to the test.
“What?” I hurry to stand, reaching for the stick.
“I can’t tell if there’s a line or if I’m just imagining things. Do you see it?”
There’s a faint line on the test. My eyes dart between the test and to the diagram that tells you how to determine if it’s positive or not.
“Oh God, what does this mean?” I cry, looking at the faint line on the pregnancy test.
“It’s okay. These types of things happen. You’ll just have to make an appointment with your lady doctor, and they’ll do a blood test for you. At this point, that may be the only way to know for certain.”
The sound of knocking at the door forces my eyes wide.
“Good lord, Ellie, calm down. It’s just Brea. She called me while you were in the bathroom and wanted to stop by.”
I let out a heavy sigh of relief, as guilt rolls through my stomach. I hate how panicked I am at the thought of telling Callum right now.
Brea’s sweet voice echoes down the hallway as Kinsley calls out, “We’re in the bathroom.”
“Hey,” Brea sings, popping her head over Kinsley’s shoulder. “This is a weird place to hang out. What’s going on?”
“Ellie might be pregnant.”
Hearing Kinsley’s words was like a snap to reality. I might be pregnant. I could be a mom. Could I do this? What if something ever happened to Callum? Could I do this alone by myself? What do I have to offer this child?
Thoughts of self-doubt race through my head. The voices so loud that I can’t even hear Kinsley and Brea talking to me before Kinsley waves her hand in front of my face.
“C’mon, we need you to sit down. You’re looking all pale. If you don’t pull yourself together before Callum gets home, he’s going to know something is wrong. There’s nothing for you to be worried about, seriously.”
Kinsley pulls me by my hand down the hallway, a
s Brea wraps her arm around mine. Pushing me to sit on the couch, I pull a blanket over my lap, folding my arms over the armrest and lying my head down.
“I’ll call and make you an appointment. If you want, I can even go with you to Everton.”
Kinsley starts pacing in the living room as she talks on the phone with the doctor’s office as Brea sits down on the floor, leaning against the front of the couch.
“What’s running through your head, pretty girl?”
Brea picks up on everything. If you think for a second something can get by her, you’re sadly mistaken.
“I think I’m just scared.” I hate admitting those words out loud to myself.
“Well, of course you are.” She laughs, picking at the edge of her shorts where the denim is frayed. “I’m pretty sure that’s normal and very common for first time parents. Does this have to do with what happened with, um, your mom and all of that?”
Before the trial, the last time I had seen my mom was the day I was abducted. Seeing her face when I opened the door to run away, just before I was knocked unconscious, was hard. Callum has been there for me through the nightmares and the anxiety of having to see her in court.
My mom had suspected Royal was up to something after his release when she found papers with my name and Arbor Creek noted. She testified she learned from my aunt, who was the only person who knew where I was, that I was staying in Arbor Creek, Iowa. All those years she never believed he was hurting me, but what she found when she arrived here to come to find him, was something else entirely.
We haven’t spoken to each other, but she testified in court, which helped put Royal away. I’ve told Callum I have no intention of speaking to her ever again, whether she believes me now or not. All I care about now is moving forward.
“She has shown me in many ways how not to act as a parent, but no, this isn’t about her. It’s about my dad and Gram. I know what it’s like to lose the people you love. The more you let people in, the more likely they will be taken away. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing Callum, Brea. I can’t. If I were to lose him or if something were to ever happen to this baby,” I sniff, using the edge of my thumb to wipe beneath my eye. My other arm wraps protectively around my stomach, as I let out a heavy breath. “I just don’t think I’d be able to survive it. I just couldn’t.”
“Ellie, you’re the strongest person I know. What you’ve been through,” Brea says, scooching closer to me, running her thumb under my eye catching a tear. “You deserve to have all those sad times left in the past and move onto happier times. I know you’re scared, but you have so much to look forward to in your future. Don’t let your fears take that away from you. You deserve to finally have your happy ending.”
“Thank you,” I mutter, as she kneels next to me to give me a hug.
“Of course. You’re stubborn as hell sometimes, but I’ll always be here to remind you that your family is bigger than you think it is. You’ll never go through anything alone again.”
Chapter Five
Ellie
There are two knocks on the door as the doctor peeks her head inside, smiling. “Ellie?”
“Yes, hi.” My nerves feel like they are shot. I wish I would’ve taken Kinsley up on her offer now to come with me to this appointment because I hate going through this alone.
I didn’t though because for most of my life, I took care of myself. I promised myself I’d come and get the results of the test, then if it came back positive, I’d make sure Callum could come with me to every appointment from here on out.
“I’m Doctor Sattler, it’s good to see you. How are you feeling?” She takes a seat, holding a clipboard in her hands as she scoots closer to me.
“I’m okay, I think. Just anxious to find out the results.”
“I bet. Let’s get onto them then, shall we? Do you have any kids yet?”
I shake my head as I twist my hands in my lap. I wish she’d just get on with it already.
Sensing my unease, she bypasses the twenty-one questions and looks over her clipboard once again before looking back at me.
“We did get the results of your blood test back and after looking them over, we can confirm that you are in fact pregnant. Congratulations.”
I hear all my blood pumping, as the adrenaline courses through me. Immediately after hearing the results, I wish Callum were here. He’s the only person who could calm me down and reassure me right now.
“We were unable to confirm the exact day of conception since you were uncertain of the first day of your last period.”
“I just don’t normally get one, I’ve been on the pill since I was about thirteen years old, so it’s hard telling. I honestly didn’t even think it would be possible to get pregnant this easily.”
She laughs and I hate how stupid I feel saying that out loud. “It happens every day. You’re not the first person to make that mistake though, it’s okay. We will just do a quick ultrasound to confirm your due date. One question I do have for you, is dad in the picture?”
It’s like there’s a ball of guilt lodged in my throat, making it difficult to swallow. I hate how she automatically assumes I’m going to be raising this baby on my own because Callum isn’t here with me.
“Yes, he is. He’s just, uh, he’s at work right now. I hadn’t told him yet since I was still wanting to be certain. It was all unexpected, so I was going to wait. I wish I hadn’t though since I know we’ll be seeing the baby.”
“You’ll have another one around twenty weeks as well. We like to check to see how the baby is growing and this is a good time to find out the gender. No worries, there’s still a chance for him to join you and see the baby before he or she is born.”
Her smile is warm and reassuring, even though I wish Callum were here to enjoy this special moment with me.
I don’t believe there’s anything that can prepare you for the feeling of seeing your baby growing inside your stomach. The sound of his or her heart beating, filling the air around you, matching your own, beating wildly. The flutter of butterflies in my stomach as tears threaten to fall. The only thing that could’ve made this moment any better were if Callum were here holding my hand.
“If I had to guess, it looks like you’re due around May 19th. Congratulations!” She smiles a warm smile seeing the emotion on my face, as she hands me a tissue.
“I’m so sorry.” I laugh, wiping the tears away while fanning my face.
“Don’t be sorry. This is supposed to be one of the happiest moments of your life. I hate to break it to you; the tears don’t stop when you’re pregnant either. Emotions sometimes get the best of you.”
I thank her, as she hands me a strip of pictures she printed out. I stare at them in awe and wonder, as I walk out of the building and sit in my car staring at the life we created. I can’t wait to share the news with Callum.
Checking the clock on the dash, I still have just shy of forty minutes before my shift at Hudson’s. The drive there from Everton will take about thirty, so I decide to stop and pick up a sandwich as I hit the road.
My phone vibrates in my purse, and I press the button on my steering wheel connecting the call. Callum’s deep voice filters through the speakers.
“Hey, baby.” His voice hums through the line, and I can’t help the smile that stretches across my face. “How’d the appointment go? Everything okay?”
“Yeah, everything is perfect. I have something to tell you tonight.”
The phone gets muffled, and I hear Callum talking to someone. Even through all the commotion, I pick up on Randy’s deep voice in the background before Callum is back on the line.
“Sorry about that, sweetheart. You have something to tell me? You know I’m an impatient man. You can just tell me now.”
“No, I want to tell you in person. It’ll be worth the wait though.”
“Only if you insist. I’ll call you on your break. You remembered your watch, right?”
I smile down at the watch he got me around my w
rist. He knows I’m terrible about carrying a phone, it’s not something I’ve ever liked having to do. Call me old school but having all these high-tech gadgets like my phone connected to my car stereo and my watch is not something of importance to me. After what’s happened to me, I know how imperative it is to Callum that I’m able to connect with him anytime I need to.
“Of course, I did,” I reassure him.
“Alright, baby, I’ll talk to you later. Have a good day and remember I love you.”
I don’t know what I’d do without him here, looking out for me, wanting to take care of me. “Love you, too, handsome.”
I picture him leaning back in his office chair, his sexy smirk lining the curve of his mouth. His facial hair longer, just how I like it. He was standing in the bathroom this morning getting ready to shave, and I begged him to leave it. I love it when he grows it out a little and how it feels against my palm when I run my hand over the side of his face.
Pulling up to Hudson’s Grocery a little while later, I pull into a parking spot near the back of the lot and shove my keys into my back pocket. I’m so anxious to tell someone the news, but I want the first person I tell to be Callum. He deserves to share this moment with me.
The bell dings as I enter the store, and I hear Hudson’s sweet voice greet me. “Morning, Ellie.”
“Morning,” I sing, bounding over to him to say hello with a kiss on the cheek.
Hudson is more of the grandfather I never had. As Kinsley’s biological grandpa, I think it’s what’s bonded me to her. They both have this undying need to help people.
When Callum and I were planning our wedding, I debated back and forth on whether I was going to walk down the aisle alone or not. My father passed away when I was nine and the thought of anyone but him walking with me was hard to accept.
On the other hand, if it weren’t for Hudson, I don’t believe I’d be where I am today. I still remember when I called him from the pay phone asking about the ad I saw for the house for rent in Arbor Creek. He could pick up on my hesitancy to move away.
Now That I Found You: A Tortured Heroine Standalone Romance (Heart's Compass Novella) Page 3
