by M. K. Harper
“Lindy!” Caulder wails dramatically, launching himself at me. I once again barely catch him, reaching out for the counter to steady us before we both go down. “I can’t take it anymore.” I arch an eyebrow, not missing Chevy’s eyeroll at LT’s theatrics.
“What’s wrong, little dude?” I smack a kiss on his chubby cheek.
“Him!” Caulder turns his glare on my best friend. Dax smirks, probably loving that for once he’s not on the receiving end of this kid’s wrath. “He snores like an asthmatic yak, and it keeps me up all night! I need at least eight hours or Nona says I become intolerable.”
“Oh, I think you’re intolerable regardless,” Chevy snipes back. The absurdity of this entire conversation makes my head hurt, but I can’t help but smile.
“I think I might have the perfect solution,” I whisper conspiratorially. Caulder’s baby blues sparkle, waiting for me to finish. I meet Dax’s eye, a whole conversation taking place between us without any words. He nods, a serene smile lifting his lips.
“Well?” Caulder wiggles around, making me laugh. Patient this child is not.
“Let me show you,” I place him on his feet and take his hand. Leading him down the hallway, my palms start to sweat. I can hear Dax and Chevy trailing behind us, but my focus is on Caulder. When we get to his door, I push it open and hold my breath. He freezes, his eyes scanning the room rapidly.
“Is this mine?” LT turns to me, his cautious voice making my heart swell. I nod, too afraid I’ll get choked up if I try to speak. Dax steps forward, squatting down beside him so they’re level with each other.
“Anytime you want, you can stay here. This room will always be yours,” Dax ruffles his hair.
“Really?!” Caulder squeals, running forward to check it all out. We laugh, enjoying his excitement. I think it might be best to let him get used to our home, grow comfortable, before we spring the adoption conversation on him. When he makes that choice, I want him to be fully at ease here. To feel like this is as much his home as it is ours. Caulder completely forgets about us, his focus on all the toys and books Dax filled the room with.
“You’ll make a great mom, Lin,” Chev whispers, throwing his arm around my shoulder. My head snaps around to look at him. I don’t know how much he knows or if that was just a blanket statement, but it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. I don’t know if that’s true, but I will give it my best. He smiles and kisses my cheek. “Come on, let’s go eat before it gets cold.” We leave Caulder to play, knowing it won’t take long for the boy’s stomach to lead him to the kitchen. The three of us enjoy breakfast together, chatting about nothing in particular. Once we’ve cleaned up, an idea forms. It might not be a great idea, but I’m rolling with it, and whatever happens-happens.
“I think I’m gonna take the Pack Ames women some breakfast, since we have so much left over.” My hands fidget nervously, but I feel like this is something I need to do. Dax smiles and winks at me. I get the feeling he cooked this much intentionally, the little shit. I pack the rest of the food, leaving a plate for Caulder. Once that’s done, I head back to our room and throw on some shorts and a t-shirt. Good thing Dax’s is big enough to cover me. I think Chevy would’ve thrown up at just the sight of panties. When I come back out, Dax has everything ready to go for me and LT is stuffing bacon in his mouth like a chipmunk. I kiss his cheek and meet Dax at the door.
“Where’d Chev go?” I question, not seeing him anywhere.
“Said he had to go meet Finn, but he’d see you later.” I nod, still curious about my best friend’s love life.
“I think I’ll head to your parents’ place afterwards and have that talk with Mom.” I cringe just thinking about it.
“Good idea,” Dax nods. “Caulder and I will probably walk over around the same time. Be careful and we’ll see you there.” He kisses me, leaving me slightly breathless and a lot turned on, but my hungry hoo-ha will have to wait. I head out with my basket of food, like little red riding hood going to grandma’s house. Let’s just hope the wolves don’t eat me.
Chapter 14
Linden
One night, several years back, I remember being woken up to the tv playing some random Lamaze class in the wee hours of the morning. It’s was odd, considering it was typically that stupid George Lopez theme song that creepily aired at that time. For some reason, my weird ass brain chooses now to home in on those breathing skills I learned. I hee-hee-hoo the entire ten-minute walk down to the cabins, as if I’m in the throes of childbirth. Somehow, I’ve decided this will help calm my nerves. I don’t know why I am the way I am. This is all on you, Big Guy. When I reach the little houses, I shake my hands out and knock quickly so I don’t lose my nerve. The older of the three I helped get settled yesterday is the one to answer the door. I give her a strained smile and hold up the food. If there’s ever an ‘I come in peace’ offering, it’s bacon.
“I brought breakfast. Thought you guys might be hungry for something other than cereal.” I shrug, feeling awkward and wondering if I made a huge mistake in coming here. It hasn’t even been a full minute, so this seems promising. She nods and steps aside for me to enter. The other two women are seated in the living room. Both watch me warily as I head for the tiny kitchenette. Since I have no idea what to do with myself, I just start unpacking everything.
“I hope y’all are hungry. Apparently, Dax made enough to feed a small army.” I gesture at the assortment of food spread out on the counter. They all look back at me with blank expressions. Oh, god. I know I’m about to word vomit but there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop it.
“I’m sorry!” I blurt. “I didn’t mean to just leave. I know how stupid that sounds, but it’s the truth. I was practically delirious and covered in someone else’s blood. I wasn’t thinking clearly, but it still doesn’t change the fact that I just left you all there. I understand if you hate me, I would too if our roles were reversed. I have no clue what to say or do to make this righ...”
“Linden, was it?” The older woman cuts me off with a gentle hand placed on my shoulder. I nod, biting down on my bottom lip so I don’t spew out anything else. “No one here blames you. In fact, only myself and one of the others next door were even in the same part of the warehouse as you. There’s no way you could have helped any of us. You did the best thing you could’ve done, and that was to get help. If you had tried to stay and break the locks to all of our cages, you would’ve likely been caught and who knows where any of us would be if that had happened. So, thank you. Thank you for making sure someone came back for us and that we have a safe place to heal and move on.” She smiles, leaving me confused and grateful all at once.
“I...I don’t know what to say to that,” I shake my head, wanting more than anything to argue that she has absolutely nothing to thank me for.
“You don’t need to say anything. You have to let that place go. Every day that you keep beating yourself up for all the things you feel like you did wrong, is another day you spend right back there, on the dirt in a dog kennel. It’s okay to move forward.” Her words nearly undo me. It’s the same thing Dax has told me every day since, and his reassurances mean the world to me, but it hits differently coming from her. From someone who was there and lived it too. I can feel my lip tremble and my eyes start to burn. If it were anyone else, I would blow off what she’s saying, hearing them but not actually listening. It’s hard to admit, but I think I’ve been doing that all along. I know what Dax, Mom, Beatrix and Carder, even Chevy, has said to me is no different, but it when it’s your family saying those things it’s difficult to tell if it’s because they love you and want you to get better, or if they actually believe it too. This woman is a stranger, though. She has no reason to blow smoke up my ass just to make me feel better about myself. I know I’m better than I was, but this conversation has helped expedite the process greatly to getting me back to a place that somewhat resembles normal and well-adjusted.
“You’re right.” My smile is watery, bu
t it’s genuine. “I’ll leave you ladies to it, then. I need to head to the Alpha’s house, but please call one of us if there’s anything you need.” She squeezes my shoulder before stepping back. I’m almost to the door when she calls out to me.
“Linden?” I turn back to face her. “I’m Daria by the way. It was really lovely to meet you.” I grin, feeling like the elephant that has been sitting on my chest has finally moved its fat ass.
“You too, Daria.”
~~~
When I step into Carder and Beatrix’s, it’s a madhouse. Even more so than normal, their place has become the central hub for everyone to gather. It looks like they’re just finishing breakfast, Caulder his second one of the day, and chatting about what needs to be done around pack land. I saddle up to Dax, who pulls me into his lap and kisses my cheek.
“You good?” I nod, and really mean it this time.
“Indy, what’re your plans for the day?” Mom asks as she loads the dishwasher. Dax and Carder both cut their eyes to me, a not so subtle way of telling me that I need to bite the bullet and get that talk out of the way.
“Uh,” I clear my throat, searching deep down for some bravery. “I actually need to speak with you for a minute, but then I’m not sure?” From the living room Lex yells something about cardio training, which I completely ignore.
“Oh?” Mom eyes me, probably trying to figure out what I need to say before the actual heart-to-heart itself. Grace Britton does not like walking into a situation ill prepared.
“Why don’t you two head out back and I’ll finish this up?” Beatrix offers, taking over the dishes and giving me no time to prepare. I feel like I should at least have a damn monologue to read from or something. Hell, a teleprompter would be great. Shit fire and save the matches, guess this is finally happening. Dax gives my thigh an encouraging squeeze.
“I love you,” he whispers. I smile grimly, thinking this is either gonna go bad...or really bad. There really are no other options when you have to tell your mom that her estranged, abusive husband that she finally escaped from is actually within walking distance and on borrowed time.
“Love you more.” A small smile plays on my lips as I wait for the reply that I know is coming.
“Love you most,” Dax winks, lifting me up and nudging me towards the door. This is gonna suck so hard. Mom follows me out and we take a seat on the back steps. I fidget, trying to decide what the best opening line is for a situation like this.
“Are you pregnant already, Indy? I know Carder has been pushing the grandbaby thing, but you didn’t have to take him that seriously.” I look at her like she’s lost her mind. I’m on birth control thanks to shitty shark weeks, which she knows considering she’s the one who took me to get put on it, and I have no idea how she thinks I would’ve found the time to pay the local doctor a visit to come off. But apparently her brain has jumped to threat level fuck no. Not yet at least. It’d be nice to lock down the one kid before spitting out another.
“No, I’m not pregnant, Mother.” I shake my head, wondering if that would go over any better than the truth will. “It’s dad,” I finally say, my voice cracking a little.
“What about him?” Mom stiffens, clearly not expecting me to bring him up.
“He’s here.”
“What?!” she screeches, jumping up before I can elaborate any further. I grab her hand and pull her back down.
“Mom, calm down.” I hold onto her in case she gets the sudden urge to flee. “The day of my and Dax’s bonding, there was a wolf that was caught trying to get on pack land. Do you remember that?”
“Oh, god...” she whispers, putting the pieces together.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but he’s been properly contained this entire time and I didn’t want anything else standing in the way of that day finally happening, especially not him. The next morning, we got called down to where he’s being held. Dad’s in bad shape. Really bad shape,” I sigh, dreading this next part. “He’s stuck in-between shifting. He’s so far gone that his wolf is just done. At some point, his body will eventually shut down. He’s in a lot of pain, though, and Carder thinks the best thing to do would be to end his suffering.” My words grow quieter as I deliver each blow. Mom’s hands are grasping mine so tightly it’s painful, but I let her keep squeezing, giving her something to hold onto as her present and the past collide in epic fashion. I watch her throat work to swallow down her hysteria. I imagine she’s riding that same roller coaster I did just a few days ago.
“Can I see him?” Mom finally asks. I’m already shaking my head, knowing if she saw what I did it would haunt her, when Carder steps onto the deck.
“I ain’t been eavesdroppin’, but sometimes it’s hard not to pick up on stuff,” he smiles, tapping his ear. “I thought you might wanna know that the pack doctor has given Benjamin a sedative for the time bein’. He’s been out of it since yesterday evenin’. From what he says, he ain’t aware of the pain right now, so you can take a minute to work through what you wanna do. I know it’s a hell of a burden, but we’re all here for the both of you, no matter what you decide.” He nods to us and then heads back inside. Mom and I sit in silence for a bit, just staring out across the yard at nothing in particular.
“Whatever you want to do, I’m okay with, Mom.” I chance a peek at her. The tears streaming down her face makes my heart break. I feel like we’ve come full circle with Benjamin Britton. Not too long ago she was crying because of him, now she’s crying for him. I don’t need her to tell me how chaotic she feels on the inside, not when I’m right there with her.
“Carder says we have some time, so let’s not rush into anything,” she states. I nod along, agreeing that would be the smart thing to do.
“I think I’ll see if Carder can take me to where he is later today. Maybe seeing him with my own two eyes will give me some clarity?” Mom turns to me, looking for an answer. I cross my fingers that she doesn’t ask me to join her. Once was enough for me.
“Maybe,” I reply. I don’t really think she’ll leave feeling any better after seeing him, but it’s her choice and I can understand why she might need to do it.
“While we have a minute to ourselves, I wanted to tell you that I’ll be going home today.” I jerk, not expecting her to say that.
“What? Why? Because of Dad?” My questions pour out rapidly.
“No, Indy,” she smiles sadly. “I was planning to leave before you told me about him. Beatrix and Carder have been wonderful and so gracious to let me stay all this time, but I have a life outside of here. This is your home now, but it’s not mine. Not in the same way it is yours. I need to separate myself from this life to some degree. I’m so happy for you, Indy, but constantly being around the pack and this world no one else is privy to only serves as a reminder of all that I wish I could’ve had with your father. I’ll still come around, but I need to have a place that’s just for me as well.” I never considered that she might feel this way, but now that she’s brought it up it makes sense. I’m sure I’d need some distance too. I wrap my arms around her, feeling like things have shifted between us. It’s been just her and I against the world for so long, but our lives our changing. Headed in two different directions. I have no doubt that she’ll always be there if and when I need her, but I also hope that she can plant some roots and find someone who will love and cherish her as much as she deserves. I have to look at this new turn in our dynamic as a good thing, otherwise I’ll be a mess. Sometimes change sucks.
“Well, at least you won’t have a nosy teenager to cramp your style if you bring home a hot date.” I wink at her, trying to lighten the mood.
“You’re awful,” she laughs, but conveniently doesn’t deny it. Ah hell, I think she might actually be trying to get her freak on.
Chapter 15
Linden
The rest of the day is spent being lazy at Carder and Beatrix’s. Every so often, I have to sneak out back to avoid Lex. The psychopath is hell bent on getting me ba
ck in the gym. I’m not sure if it’s the cardio that has me so turned off to the idea, or the fact Benji-Boy is there. I can’t imagine being able to focus on anything knowing that he’d be right below my feet. While I’ve done an excellent job of pretending he never showed up and is nothing more than a distant, shitty memory we left behind, I know the clock is quickly running down. It’s a relief to know he’s at least semi comfortable while Mom and I grapple with what to do moving forward.
My body is completely relaxed, sprawled across the couch. It’s one of those days where it’s been raining on and off, making everyone sleepy and useless. Dax is beside me, his head tilted back with his eyes closed. I’m not sure if he’s actually asleep or not, but a nap sounds hella good right about now. I’ve barely dozed off when Dax vaults up on a gasp. My own eyes fly open, trying to make sense of what’s happening. Caulder stands in front of my mate, spray bottle in hand, with a finely misted Dax staring him down in annoyance.
“No dogs on the couch,” LT grins wickedly. I tuck my lips between my teeth to keep from laughing.
“You little shit,” Dax launches forward, causing Caulder to squeal and run for his life with his uncle hot on his heels. I plop back with a smile, content to let them hash it out themselves. Mom takes Dax’s empty seat, watching me intently as I listen to LT’s laugh ring through the house.
“You ready for that?” she asks quietly, nodding towards the hallway where they ran off to. I haven’t had a chance to talk to her about wanting to adopt Caulder, but I have no doubt she already knows. Her and Beatrix have become extremely close so it makes sense that she would’ve talked to Mom about it. “It’s a huge step, Indy.”
“I know,” I squeeze her hand. “I’d never make this sort of decision lightly. And ultimately, it’s Caulder’s choice. We want to be in his life in whatever capacity he’s comfortable with.” Mom smiles proudly at me, and I get the feeling that’s exactly what she wanted to hear me say. Like she was testing me somehow.
