Produced by Juliet Sutherland and the PG Online DistributedProofreading Team.
MR. DOOLEY
IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYMEN
By
FINLEY PETER DUNNE
Decoration: SCIRE QVOD SCIENDVM]
BostonSmall, Maynard & Company
1899
_Copyright, 1898, 1899, by the Chicago JournalCopyright, 1899, by Robert Howard RussellCopyright, 1899, by Small, Maynard & Company_
_Entered at Stationers' Hall_
_First Edition (10,000 copies) October, 1899Second Edition (10,000 copies) October, 1899Third Edition (10,000 copies) October, 1899Before Publication_
_Press of George H. Ellis, Boston, U.S.A._
TOSIR GEORGE NEWNES, BART.MESSRS. GEORGE ROUTLEDGE & SONS LIMITEDAND OTHER PUBLISHERS WHO, UNINVITED, PRESENTEDMR. DOOLEY TO A PART OF THE BRITISH PUBLIC
PREFACE.
The author may excuse the presentation of these sketches to thepublic on the ground that, if he did not publish some of them,somebody would, and, if he did not publish the others, nobody would.He has taken the liberty to dedicate the book to certain enterprisinggentlemen in London who have displayed their devotion to a sentimentnow widely prevailing in the Music Halls by republishing an Americanbook without solicitation on the author's part. At the same time hebegs to reserve _in petto_ a second dedication to the people ofArchey Road, whose secluded gayety he has attempted to discover tothe world.
With the sketches that come properly under the title "Mr. Dooley: Inthe Hearts of His Countrymen" are printed a number that do not. Ithas seemed impossible to a man who is not a Frenchman, and who is,therefore, tremendously excited over the case, to avoid discussionof the Jabberwocky of the Rennes court-martial as it is reported inAmerica and England. Mr. Dooley cannot lag behind his fellowAnglo-Saxons in this matter. It is sincerely to be hoped that hissmall contribution to the literature of the subject will at lastopen the eyes of France to the necessity of conducting her trials,parliamentary sessions, revolutions, and other debates in a languagemore generally understood in New York and London.
F.P.D.
DUBLIN, August 30, 1899.
CONTENTS. PAGE
EXPANSION 3
A HERO WHO WORKED OVERTIME 8
RUDYARD KIPLING 13
LORD CHARLES BERESFORD 18
HANGING ALDERMEN 23
THE GRIP 30
LEXOW 35
THEIR EXCELLENCIES, THE POLICE 41
SHAUGHNESSY 45
TIMES PAST 50
THE SKIRTS OF CHANCE 56
WHEN THE TRUST IS AT WORK 61
A BRAND FROM THE BURNING 66
A WINTER NIGHT 72
THE BLUE AND THE GRAY 76
THE TRAGEDY OF THE AGITATOR 82
BOYNE WATER AND BAD BLOOD 85
THE FREEDOM PICNIC 92
THE IDLE APPRENTICE 96
THE O'BRIENS FOREVER 101
A CANDIDATE'S PILLORY 107
THE DAY AFTER THE VICTORY 113
A VISIT TO JEKYL ISLAND 119
SLAVIN CONTRA WAGNER 125
GRAND OPERA 130
THE CHURCH FAIR 135
THE WANDERERS 139
MAKING A CABINET 143
OLD AGE 149
THE DIVIDED SKIRT 154
A BIT OF HISTORY 158
THE RULING CLASS 165
THE OPTIMIST 170
PROSPERITY 175
THE GREAT HOT SPELL 180
KEEPING LENT 185
THE QUICK AND THE DEAD 190
THE SOFT SPOT 196
THE IRISHMAN ABROAD 202
THE SERENADE 206
THE HAY FLEET 210
THE PERFORMANCES OF LIEUTENANT HOBSON 216
THE DECLINE OF NATIONAL FEELING 222
"CYRANO DE BERGERAC" 228
THE UNION OF TWO GREAT FORTUNES 234
THE DREYFUS CASE:
I. 240
II. 249
III. 259
IV. 268
V. 276
Mr. DOOLEY:
In the Hearts of His Countrymen
EXPANSION.
"Whin we plant what Hogan calls th' starry banner iv Freedom in th'Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Dooley, "an' give th' sacred blessin' ivliberty to the poor, down-trodden people iv thim unfortunateisles,--dam thim!--we'll larn thim a lesson."
"Sure," said Mr. Hennessy, sadly, "we have a thing or two to larnoursilves."
"But it isn't f'r thim to larn us," said Mr. Dooley. "'Tis not f'rthim wretched an' degraded crathers, without a mind or a shirt ivtheir own, f'r to give lessons in politeness an' liberty to a nationthat mannyfacthers more dhressed beef than anny other imperyal nationin th' wurruld. We say to thim: 'Naygurs,' we say, 'poor, dissolute,uncovered wretches,' says we, 'whin th' crool hand iv Spain forgedman'cles f'r ye'er limbs, as Hogan says, who was it crossed th' sayan' sthruck off th' comealongs? We did,--by dad, we did. An' now, yemis'rable, childish-minded apes, we propose f'r to larn ye th' uses ivliberty. In ivry city in this unfair land we will erect school-housesan' packin' houses an' houses iv correction; an' we'll larn ye ourlanguage, because 'tis aisier to larn ye ours than to larn oursilvesyours. An' we'll give ye clothes, if ye pay f'r thim; an', if yedon't, ye can go without. An', whin ye're hungry, ye can go to th'morgue--we mane th' resth'rant--an' ate a good square meal iv ar-rmybeef. An' we'll sind th' gr-reat Gin'ral Eagan over f'r to larn yeetiquette, an' Andhrew Carnegie to larn ye pathriteism with blow-holesinto it, an' Gin'ral Alger to larn ye to hould onto a job; an', whinye've become edycated an' have all th' blessin's iv civilization thatwe don't want, that 'll count ye one. We can't give ye anny votes,because we haven't more thin enough to go round now; but we'll threatye th' way a father shud threat his childher if we have to break ivrybone in ye'er bodies. So come to our ar-rms,' says we.
"But, glory be, 'tis more like a rasslin' match than a father'sembrace. Up gets this little monkey iv an' Aggynaldoo, an' says he,'Not for us,' he says. 'We thank ye kindly; but we believe,' he says,'in pathronizin' home industhries,' he says. 'An,' he says, 'I have onhand,' he says, 'an' f'r sale,' he says, 'a very superyor brand ivhome-made liberty, like ye'er mother used to make,' he says. ''Tis along way fr'm ye'er plant to here,' he says, 'an' be th' time a cargoiv liberty,' he says, 'got out here an' was handled be th' middlemen,'he says, 'it might spoil,' he says. 'We don't want anny col' storageor embalmed liberty,' he says. 'What we want an' what th' ol' reliablehouse iv Aggynaldoo,' he
says, 'supplies to th' thrade,' he says, 'isfr-esh liberty r-right off th' far-rm,' he says. 'I can't do annythingwith ye'er proposition,' he says. 'I can't give up,' he says, 'th'rights f'r which f'r five years I've fought an' bled ivry wan I cudreach,' he says. 'Onless,' he says, 'ye'd feel like buyin' out th'whole business,' he says. 'I'm a pathrite,' he says; 'but I'm nobigot,' he says.
"An' there it stands, Hinnissy, with th' indulgent parent kneelin' onth' stomach iv his adopted child, while a dillygation fr'm Bostonbastes him with an umbrella. There it stands, an' how will it come outI dinnaw. I'm not much iv an expansionist mesilf. F'r th' las' tinyears I've been thryin' to decide whether 'twud be good policy an'thrue to me thraditions to make this here bar two or three feetlonger, an' manny's th' night I've laid awake tryin' to puzzle it out.But I don't know what to do with th' Ph'lippeens anny more thin I didlas' summer, befure I heerd tell iv thim. We can't give thim to annywan without makin' th' wan that gets thim feel th' way Doherty felt toClancy whin Clancy med a frindly call an' give Doherty's childher th'measles. We can't sell thim, we can't ate thim, an' we can't throwthim into th' alley whin no wan is lookin'. An' 'twud be a disgracef'r to lave befure we've pounded these frindless an' ongrateful peopleinto insinsibility. So I suppose, Hinnissy, we'll have to stay an' doth' best we can, an' lave Andhrew Carnegie secede fr'm th' Union.They'se wan consolation; an' that is, if th' American people cangovern thimsilves, they can govern annything that walks."
"An' what 'd ye do with Aggy--what-d'ye-call-him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Well," Mr. Dooley replied, with brightening eyes, "I know what they'ddo with him in this ward. They'd give that pathrite what he asks, an'thin they'd throw him down an' take it away fr'm him."
A HERO WHO WORKED OVERTIME.
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "it looks now as if they was nawthin'left f'r me young frind Aggynaldoo to do but time. Like as not a yearfr'm now he'll be in jail, like Napoleon, th' impror iv th' Fr-rinch,was in his day, an' Mike, th' Burglar, an' other pathrites. That'swhat comes iv bein' a pathrite too long. 'Tis a good job, whin they'senawthin' else to do; but 'tis not th' thing to wurruk overtime at.'Tis a sort iv out-iv-dure spoort that ye shud engage in durin' th'summer vacation; but, whin a man carries it on durin' business hours,people begin to get down on him, an' afther a while they're ready tohang him to get him out iv th' way. As Hogan says, 'Th' las' thingthat happens to a pathrite he's a scoundhrel.'
"Las' summer there wasn't a warmer pathrite annywhere in our imperyaldominions thin this same Aggynaldoo. I was with him mesilf. Says I:'They'se a good coon,' I says. 'He'll help us f'r to make th'Ph'lippeens indepindint on us f'r support,' I says; 'an', whin th'blessin's iv civilization has been extinded to his beloved counthry,an',' I says, 'they put up intarnal rivinue offices an' post-offices,'I says, 'we'll give him a good job as a letter-carrier,' I says,'where he won't have annything to do,' I says, 'but walk,' I says.
"An' so th' consul at Ding Dong, th' man that r-runs that end iv th'war, he says to Aggynaldoo: 'Go,' he says, 'where glory waits ye,' hesays. 'Go an' sthrike a blow,' he says, 'f'r ye'er counthry,' he says.'Go,' he says. 'I'll stay, but you go,' he says. 'They's nawthin' instayin', an' ye might get hold iv a tyrannical watch or a pocket bookdown beyant,' he says. An' off wint th' brave pathrite to do hisjooty. He done it, too. Whin Cousin George was pastin' th' formerhated Castiles, who was it stood on th' shore shootin' hisbow-an-arrow into th' sky but Aggynaldoo? Whin me frind Gin'ralMerritt was ladin' a gallant charge again blank catredges, who was itranged his noble ar-rmy iv pathrites behind him f'r to see that no wanattackted him fr'm th' sea but Aggynaldoo? He was a good man thin,--agood noisy man.
"Th' throuble was he didn't know whin to knock off. He didn't hear th'wurruk bell callin' him to come in fr'm playin' ball an' get down tobusiness. Says me Cousin George: "Aggynaldoo, me buck,' he says, 'th'war is over,' he says, 'an' we've settled down to th' ol' game,' hesays. 'They're no more heroes. All iv thim has gone to wurruk f'r th'magazines. They're no more pathrites,' he says. 'They've got jobs asgov'nors or ar-re lookin' f'r thim or annything else,' he says. 'Allth' prom'nint saviors iv their counthry,' he says, 'but mesilf,' hesays, 'is busy preparin' their definse,' he says. 'I have no definse,'he says; 'but I'm where they can't reach me,' he says. 'Th' spoort isall out iv th' job; an', if ye don't come in an' jine th' tilin massesiv wage-wurrukers,' he says, 'ye won't even have th' credit iv bein'licked in a gloryous victhry,' he says. 'So to th' woodpile with ye!'he says; 'f'r ye can't go on cillybratin' th' Foorth iv July withoutbein' took up f'r disordherly conduct,' he says.
"An' Aggynaldoo doesn't undherstand it. An' he gathers his ArcheryClub ar-round him, an' says he: 'Fellow-pathrites,' he says, 'we'vebeen betrayed,' he says. 'We've been sold out without,' he says,'gettin' th' usual commission,' he says. 'We're still heroes,' hesays; 'an' our pitchers is in th' pa-apers,' he says. 'Go in,' hesays, 'an' sthrike a blow at th' gay deceivers,' he says. 'I'll sellye'er lives dearly,' he says. An' th' Archery Club wint in. Th'pathrites wint up again a band iv Kansas sojers, that was wanst heroesbefure they larned th' hay-foot-sthraw-foot, an' is now arnin' th'wages iv a good harvest hand all th' year ar-round, an' 'd ratherfight than ate th' ar-rmy beef, an' ye know what happened. Some iv th'poor divvles iv heroes is liberated fr'm th' cares iv life; an' th'r-rest iv thim is up in threes, an' wishin' they was home, smokin' agood see-gar with mother.
"An' all this because Aggynaldoo didn't hear th' whistle blow. Hethought th' boom was still on in th' hero business. If he'd come in,ye'd be hearin' that James Haitch Aggynaldoo 'd been appointedfoorth-class postmasther at Hootchey-Kootchey; but now th' nex' yeknow iv him 'll be on th' blotther at th' polis station: 'James HaitchAggynaldoo, alias Pompydoor Jim, charged with carryin' concealedweepins an' ray-sistin' an officer.' Pathriteism always dies when yeestablish a polis foorce."
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "I'm kind iv sorry f'r th' la-ads with th'bows an' arrows. Maybe they think they're pathrites."
"Divvle th' bit iv difference it makes what they think, so long as wedon't think so," said Mr. Dooley. "It's what Father Kelly calls a caseiv mayhem et chew 'em. That's Latin, Hinnissy; an' it manes what's wanman's food is another man's pizen."
RUDYARD KIPLING.
"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "th' finest pothry in th' wurruld is wrotebe that frind iv young Hogan's, a man be th' name iv Roodyard Kipling.I see his pomes in th' pa-aper, Hinnissy; an' they're all right.They're all right, thim pomes. They was wan about scraggin' DannyDeever that done me a wurruld iv good. They was a la-ad I wanst knewbe th' name iv Deever, an' like as not he was th' same man. He owed memoney. Thin there was wan that I see mintioned in th' war news wanstin a while,--th' less we f'rget, th' more we raymimber. That was ahot pome an' a good wan. What I like about Kipling is that his pomesis right off th' bat, like me con-versations with you, me boy. He's aminyit-man, a r-ready pote that sleeps like th' dhriver iv thruck 9,with his poetic pants in his boots beside his bed, an' him r-ready tojump out an' slide down th' pole th' minyit th' alarm sounds.
"He's not such a pote as Tim Scanlan, that hasn't done annything sinceth' siege iv Lim'rick; an' that was two hundherd year befure he wasbor-rn. He's prisident iv th' Pome Supply Company,--fr-resh pothrydelivered ivry day at ye'er dure. Is there an accident in a grainillyvator? Ye pick up ye'er mornin' pa-aper, an' they'se a pome aboutit be Roodyard Kipling. Do ye hear iv a manhole cover bein' blown up?Roodyard is there with his r-ready pen. ''Tis written iv Cashum-Cadian' th' book iv th' gr-reat Gazelle that a manhole cover in anger istin degrees worse thin hell.' He writes in all dialects an' annylanguage, plain an' fancy pothry, pothry f'r young an' old, pothry beweight or linyar measuremint, pothry f'r small parties iv eight or tina specialty. What's the raysult, Hinnissy? Most potes I despise. ButRoodyard Kipling's pothry is aisy. Ye can skip through it while ye'reatin' breakfuss an' get a c'rrect idee iv th' current news iv th'day,--who won th' futball game, how Sharkey is thrainin' f'r th'fight, an' how manny votes th' pro-hybitionist got f'r gov'nor iv th'State iv Texas. No
col' storage pothry f'r Kipling. Ivrything fr-reshan' up to date. All lays laid this mornin'.
"Hogan was in to-day readin' Kipling's Fridah afthernoon pome, an''tis a good pome. He calls it 'Th' Thruce iv th' Bear.' This is th'way it happened: Roodyard Kipling had just finished his mornin' batchiv pothry f'r th' home-thrade, an' had et his dinner, an' was thinkin'iv r-runnin' out in th' counthry f'r a breath iv fr-resh air, whin income a tillygram sayin' that th' Czar iv Rooshia had sint out acircular letther sayin' ivrybody in th' wurruld ought to get togetheran' stop makin' war an' live a quite an' dull life. Now Kipling don'tlike the czar. Him an' th' czar fell out about something, an' theydon't speak. So says Roodyard Kipling to himsilf, he says: 'I'll takea crack at that fellow,' he says. 'I'll do him up,' he says. An' so hewrites a pome to show that th' czar's letter's not on th' square.Kipling's like me, Hinnissy. When I want to say annything lib-lous, Istick it on to me Uncle Mike. So be Roodyard Kipling. He doesn't comer-right out, an' say, 'Nick, ye're a liar!' but he tells about whatth' czar done to a man he knowed be th' name iv Muttons. Muttons, itseems, Hinnissy, was wanst a hunter; an' he wint out to take a shot atth' czar, who was dhressed up as a bear. Well, Muttons r-run him down,an' was about to plug him, whin th' czar says, 'Hol' on,' hesays,--'hol' on there,' he says. 'Don't shoot,' he says. 'Let's talkthis over,' he says. An' Muttons, bein' a foolish man, waited till th'czar come near him; an' thin th' czar feinted with his left, an' putin a right hook an' pulled off Muttons's face. I tell ye 'tis so. Hejus' hauled it off th' way ye'd haul off a porous plasther,--raked offth' whole iv Muttons's fr-ront ilivation. 'I like ye'er face,' hesays, an' took it. An' all this time, an' 'twas fifty year ago,Muttons hasn't had a face to shave. Ne'er a one. So he goes ar-roundexhibitin' th' recent site, an' warnin' people that, whin they ar-reshootin' bears, they must see that their gun is kept loaded an' theirface is nailed on securely. If ye iver see a bear that looks like aman, shoot him on th' spot, or, betther still, r-run up an alley. Yemust niver lose that face, Hinnissy.
Mr. Dooley: In the Hearts of His Countrymen Page 1
