“I don’t think much about the weather,” I said.
“Just took it for granted, huh?”
I was silent. This is so wrong. Break it off before it starts, I thought. But when I looked at him, at the joy in his face, and felt his undisguised excitement at being with me, I couldn’t do it. Lies as tools.
“Yes, I suppose so,” I said.
He laughed and nodded at his car.
After we got in and started away, he asked me about Saddlebrook.
“I was never in it. What’s it like?”
“It’s beautiful, lots of art and vintage furniture. I didn’t see any of the grounds, really. It’s more like a family museum than a home.”
“Really?”
“If there is a party in the ballroom, you’ll be there, and you can judge for yourself.”
“You don’t sound all that excited about it, the adoption, becoming a part of all this.” He glanced at me. “Am I wrong?”
“Things are happening fast, maybe too fast.”
“Good things, though, right?”
“Too soon to tell,” I said.
It surprised him. “You came from a world in which you struggled to survive, according to all I know and heard, and you’re now in the world of great privilege, where you’ll have everything you want.”
“ ‘Everything’ is a big word. No one has everything they want. Maybe that’s good.”
His eyes widened again. “I have this question that keeps floating in my mind, Saffron.”
I didn’t want to hear it, but I saw no way not to. “Which is?”
“Who are you?” he said.
“When I find out, I’ll let you know,” I said, and he laughed.
“Hey, let’s do this little detour. Fifteen more minutes won’t matter, will it?”
“Probably not. Where?”
“Here,” he said, making a quick right down a street that eventually turned into what looked like a one-way gravel road. We turned and passed bushes and trees, and then suddenly, the lake exploded right before us. There was a clearing obviously used for cars often.
“My favorite spot on the lake,” he said. “I don’t suggest swimming, but we can walk down to the water.”
I nodded, and we got out. He took my hand, and we crossed the rest of the clearing to a path that led to a small shoreline. The lake was glistening in the late-afternoon sun as the rays threaded through trees and then danced with glitter over the water gently lapping against the sand and rocks around us. We could hear the sound of a motorboat way off toward the other end.
“My dad’s not a fisherman, but in the summer, we go water skiing. The dock’s off left there. I guess it doesn’t compare to the Pacific, huh?”
There is something about pure nature that causes it to tighten its grip on lies and deceit. I had no way to prove it or even to suggest it, but I thought lies were easier in the center of the city, surrounded by buildings and concrete. Signs and posters, lit and unlit, broadcast untruth all around you to sell products. There was nothing untrue in these surroundings, nothing false in the water, no whispers of lies in the breeze. Everything conspired to touch your heart and maybe your soul. If you concentrated, meditated, stopped thinking of tricky answers, ways to lie even to yourself, you would or could become a part of all this, even if only for a short while. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Tommy’s hand held mine tightly.
“I never saw the ocean,” I said.
His grip on my hand loosened. “What? How could that be? I mean…”
“Everything about me is complicated, Tommy. Maybe you shouldn’t get yourself too involved with me.”
He turned me around so we were face-to-face.
“There’s nothing complicated about the way I feel about you and how fast it happened. I don’t mind moving slowly, Saffron, as long as you want it. I thought you did. Have you changed your mind? Now that you’re going to be part of the wealthiest family in the county, maybe one of the wealthiest in the state?”
“That doesn’t have anything to do with it. As long as you don’t mind the mystery.”
“What could be more romantic?” he joked. Then he looked very serious and slowly brought his lips to mine. It was not only another real kiss; it was the longest kiss. I put my arms around him and my head against his chest, and we stood silently for what seemed like minutes but was probably only seconds.
“Are you all right?”
“Better get me home,” I said.
He nodded, took my hand, and walked me back to the car.
Neither of us spoke until we were back on the road heading for Ava’s house. Despite my father having married her and having another child with her, to me it would always be Ava’s house.
“So the way this works is there is a committee in charge of organizing the party after the game. They wheel in tables of food and soft drinks with hawk-eyed teachers watching to see if anyone tries to spike any, and there is music piped in. If we lose, it will still be a celebration of our getting this far. But we won’t lose.”
“Did you win the first time you played against them?”
“Yes, but only by two points.”
“Don’t lose,” I said. Not against Hurley, I wanted to say.
“Okay, boss.”
He laughed, and we turned down the road to Ava’s house.
“See you tomorrow,” he said after we stopped in the driveway. “And especially at the game. Every basket I make will have your name on it.”
He leaned over to give me a kiss, and then I got out and watched him back out of the driveway. Ava stepped out of the formal living room when I entered the house and started for the stairway.
“Where have you been?”
“What?”
“Simple question,” she said.
“I stayed after to watch basketball practice. Karen said she had already told Uncle Derick.”
“I wish someone would tell me when there are changes,” she said. “Karen is staying over at Adele’s tonight. That’s all she told me.”
“How is Garson?”
“He’s on antibiotics and sleeping in the living room,” she said. She started to turn back to it and stopped. “Your uncle is bringing home Chinese food. He said you told him you liked it, that you told him your mother and you had it often.”
I nodded. It wasn’t so hard to lie to Ava. It was harder to lie to her father.
I went upstairs.
Being with Tommy was like being able to come up for air. I tried to think of nothing else but him. How would he react when and if he knew the truth? Could he see beneath all the lies? What would he see?
I had started to change my clothes when I heard a knock on the door.
“Yes?”
Daddy opened it just enough for me to see him.
“You can’t go to school tomorrow, the day of the game,” he said. “Getting sick just before it will look suspicious. Start complaining about something after dinner.”
“How come you’re so good at this?” I asked, before he could step back and close the door.
“Good?”
“At lies as tools. Have you been doing this all your life?”
He paused.
“Ninety percent of what you hear and see out there is either half-truth, twisted truth, or an outright untruth, Saffron. Maturity means being able to handle it to your own advantage. The truth about truth is most people avoid it. In the end here, you’re not harming anyone. You’re making them happier,” he said, and closed the door.
For a while, I simply stood there, staring at it.
“What about harming yourself, Daddy?” I whispered.
I felt like he had turned me into some creature that fed only on lies. I had nearly confessed to Tommy. Another kiss, more soft words, laughs, and promises, and the dam that held back the truth might shatter. Then what? Would Daddy have been right? Would all I’d have done be to make him unhappy and drive him off?
Act ill? I didn’t think I’d have to pretend too much. When I went down
to dinner, I was already feeling sick, as sick as I would have felt if I had swallowed a bubble of tar. Ava was reheating the takeout Chinese food.
“You can set the table,” she told me.
I had started to do it when Daddy came rushing in, carrying Garson in his bassinet. He had a look of terrible pain and panic on his face.
“What’s wrong?” Ava asked.
“He’s choking a lot. At one point, I thought he turned blue.”
She dropped everything and went to him.
“He feels hot,” she said. “We’d better contact Dr. Ross and tell him we’re going to the emergency room. You call. I’ll bundle him up,” she said, taking the bassinet. She looked at me. “Turn everything down. Eat what you want. Let’s go, Derick!” she said sharply.
He glanced at me and hurried out of the kitchen.
Wait! I wanted to shout after them. I’m the one who’s supposed to be sick.
I turned everything off on the stove and stood back while they got everything together and hurried out. Neither of them asked if I wanted to come along.
When the door closed and the house became empty and quiet, I realized I would never feel at home here. Judges could sign papers. Lies could be cemented. None of it could take the place of real love.
Twice I had left that behind when I boarded a train.
As I sat there, feeling dumbfounded and lost, it suddenly occurred to me that since I had been here, my father hadn’t really embraced me. The facade that he had created and I followed prevented him from being “too” affectionate. A smile, a kiss, or a hug might create a suspicion.
To keep myself from thinking too much, I cleaned up the kitchen and put away the takeout food. Then I went up to my room and, for some reason I could not explain, went to my old bag and took out the coloring book. The edges of the pages were yellowed and thin.
I reached in and took out the old box of crayons, and then I went to my desk, sat, and began to color in the remaining pages. People were walking to and fro quickly. Another train was pulling into the station.
And then, out of the darkness, the Umbrella Lady was walking toward me.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
I awoke to the sound of footsteps on the stairway and got out of bed and to the door practically in one leap. When I opened it and looked out, I saw Ava and Daddy quietly carrying Garson into their bedroom. He was apparently asleep.
“How is he?” I asked.
Ava put her finger to her lips and followed Daddy in. I stood there, waiting. Minutes passed. I thought I might just go back to bed, but finally, Ava emerged and softly closed the door behind her.
“He had epiglottitis,” she said. “Lucky we brought him in.”
“What is that?”
“The small lid of cartilage that covers your windpipe swells and blocks the flow of air into your lungs. It was caused by an infection. That’s why the doctor thought he needed some antibiotics. This belated teething isn’t helping any. We’ll watch him closely and bring him back for Dr. Ross to examine him tomorrow. His fever has begun to break, so we’re feeling more confident. Did you eat?”
I shook my head. “My stomach hasn’t been right since I came home.”
She nodded. “You looked peaked to me.”
She put her hand on my forehead.
“You don’t feel like you have a fever. Better get some sleep, and maybe stay home tomorrow. If you feel better, you can help with Garson later.”
“Okay,” I said. She just stood there. For a moment, I thought that she was working up the courage to hug me, maybe because she needed a hug more than I did. When she didn’t do it, I stepped forward and hugged her. Then I turned away quickly to avoid the surprised expression that was surely bursting out on her face and hurried to my room. A quote I had read and memorized from one of the literature books Mazy had used in my homeschooling followed me all the way into my room, like some chant. Oh, what a tangled web we weave… when first we practice to deceive.
Didn’t Daddy ever read that?
I fell asleep faster than I thought I would. In fact, I overslept, but since I wasn’t going to school, no one bothered to wake me. I was surprised at how bright it was when I sat up. Then I looked at the clock and quickly went to the bathroom, dressed, and peeked into Daddy and Ava’s room before descending. There was no one there, so I hurried downstairs, a little worried. Had things turned badly for Garson again? Ava was in the kitchenette feeding Garson, who looked quite a bit better and more alert. I relaxed with relief.
She smiled. “His fever’s gone completely.”
“Oh, that’s great. Where’s—”
I bit down hard on my lower lip. I was literally forming the word Daddy.
“There was some emergency at the office,” she said with a smirk. “My father is a very demanding boss, even after hearing about Garson. Your uncle will be meeting me at the doctor’s office later.”
“What about Karen?”
“I expect she went to school. I didn’t tell her anything. She’d only use it as an excuse not to go. How are you feeling?”
What if I told the truth? I thought. What if I said I was fine? How would I get out of attending the game with Hurley? Daddy would be furious.
“Still a little woozy,” I said.
“Eat something light. There’s oatmeal in the pantry, or just have some toast and tea. These stomach flus are usually gone in a day or so.”
“Okay,” I said, and decided on the toast. She finished feeding Garson and then, after cleaning him up, told me she was going up with him to take a nap herself.
“I had trouble sleeping with one ear listening for him all night. Your uncle can pass out. I didn’t trust him hearing anything.”
“I’m sure you never slept,” I said, and watched her go. I ate a little more than I would have with her there, and then, after cleaning up, went up to my room. Maybe a minute after I had closed the door, my cell phone sounded.
It was Tommy.
“Where are you?” he asked. “Karen doesn’t know anything.”
“She slept at a girlfriend’s house last night. I think I have a stomach flu. It started last night,” I said.
He was silent a moment.
“Do you think you’ll make the game tonight?”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “You won’t have time for me anyway while you’re out there.”
“Every basket I make will still have your name on it,” he said.
I could feel the tears floating in my eyes. “It better, and there better be more than ever,” I said.
He laughed. “I’ll call later,” he promised. “Got to go. Bell’s ringing.”
“Okay.”
“Saffron?”
“Yes?”
“I know who you are, and I like what I know,” he said, and then hung up.
I held the phone against my ear, touching my cheek as well. It was as if I could hold him there, at least for another few seconds.
Then I put the phone down, picked up my literature text, and began reading the next assignment as if nothing in the world had changed.
Just before noon, Ava knocked on my door to ask how I was.
“So-so,” I said. “I had a bit of the runs.”
“There’s some Pepto-Bismol in the cabinet above the sink in the kitchen. Try a spoonful or so. I’m taking Garson to Dr. Ross. There’s soup if you want. You should keep up the liquids. If it goes on past tomorrow, we’ll take you to Dr. Ross.”
“Thank you.”
All this time, Daddy hadn’t called me. Wouldn’t Ava wonder why even an uncle wouldn’t be interested in how I was doing?
She started to close the door and paused.
“Your uncle called to see about Garson and asked about you,” she said, as if she had heard my thoughts. “He’s meeting me at the doctor.”
“Okay.”
I convinced myself that he was being casual about it to avoid arousing even the slightest suspicion. Daddy was so good at deception.
S
he left. I waited until I saw her pull out of the garage and drive off, and then I went down to get something to eat. I was actually very hungry now. I made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then hid all traces of my eating it. Tommy called during his lunch hour. I told him I was about the same and to stop worrying about me.
“Concentrate on what you have to do tonight.”
“I have to see you,” he said. “That’s what I have to do.”
“You will as soon as I feel better.”
“I told Karen about you. She doesn’t seem terribly concerned for a potential new sister,” he said, anger coloring his voice.
“It’s okay.” I wanted to add that she was still a child and she was probably happy I wouldn’t invade her spotlight tonight, but I said nothing more. He told me he would call me before he got ready for the game.
“Maybe you’ll make a miraculous recovery,” he said.
There are no miracles for liars, I wanted to tell him, but I said nothing.
A short time after, Melina called.
“That sucks. Get over it.”
“Working on it.”
“Good. We’ll have plenty of celebrating to do. And… you and Tommy can celebrate privately after you’re better,” she said.
“Thank you, Melina. Cheer for Tommy for me.”
“Yes, I will,” she said. “I’ll have the loudest voice.”
Ava arrived before Daddy had picked up Karen at school. I heard her come in. I hurried to the stairway. She was clearly encouraged by Garson’s exam.
“All the swelling has gone,” she said, coming up. “How are you doing?”
“Better, but not completely.”
She nodded. When she paused, I looked at Garson, who was smiling at me.
“He’s already smiling at you more than he smiles at his sister.”
Could Ava see it in my look? He was smiling at his sister. I was swallowing the truth back, which probably made me look sick.
“Go rest,” she said. “I’ll make you something with rice tonight.”
She started for the bedroom, and after a moment, I retreated to mine. For a while, I simply lay there looking up at the ceiling. I should just go to the game, I thought, after having that miraculous recovery Tommy suggested. I should just risk it. Ava wouldn’t throw me out now, even if the truth was learned because students from Hurley recognized me. She would be angry at Daddy, very angry. He could lose his job and resent me forever. Maybe we’d both have to move out. Even if we went off together, how could that end well? He’d be apart from his son, too.
Out of the Rain Page 23
