It sucked watching that smile fade into disbelief as I jumped back into my jeans.
“Jax. What is wrong?”
“I can’t . . . We can’t do this right now.”
“Yes, we can.”
I snagged my shirt and yanked it over my head. “No. I’m sorry. I have to go.”
“Go? Now?”
Her bewildered expression ripped at me, but somehow I got my belt fastened. “Yes.”
“At least give me a reason why you’re literally running out of my bedroom.”
Think fast. Then the perfect excuse popped into my head and I hated myself for it. “Mimi is in the next room, Lucy.”
“Jax, she’s sound asleep.”
“I . . . it just freaks me out, okay?”
“You are freaking me out. Can’t we—”
“No. I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll figure out Mimi’s schedule.”
I booked it out of her bedroom, grabbed my coat and shoes—without putting them on—and hoofed it to the elevator on the opposite side of the building.
Before I got into my car, I noticed my shirt was covered in feathers.
What the hell?
You knew if you kept chickening out this would happen.
Bullshit.
That’s when I noticed my down jacket had a hole. Every time I moved tufts of white floated out. Good to know I wasn’t morphing into the chicken on the outside to match the chicken that clucked inside me like crazy.
I took it as a bad sign anyway.
I tossed the coat in the garbage and shivered all the way home.
Seventeen
LUCY
Yes. Right there. Perfect.”
The deliveryman picked up his clipboard. “Sign here and here.”
I scrawled my name and handed it back. “Thank you so much.”
“Not a problem. There’s more on the loading dock, so I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Not me. The owner will be here to take delivery.” I smiled. “Go easy on him. He doesn’t know where anything is supposed to go.”
“In his own house? Damn. I guess that’s rich folks for ya.”
I walked him to the elevator, and after he reached the ground floor in the garage, I switched off delivery mode. Now only Jax’s, Mimi’s and my keys would run the elevator. Pretty nifty safety feature.
Mimi sat in one of the new barstools, coloring. She’d been unnaturally quiet since Saturday night. I hadn’t pressed her to talk, knowing she’d inherited my trait of talking on my time frame, no one else’s.
Jax had been scarce since that night too, after he’d panicked at the thought of having sex with me and ran.
Paranoid much? That’s probably not true.
I could say that to myself over and over, but it didn’t convince me or take the sting away. What was worse, Mr. Let’s Talk It Out refused to talk to me the one time I actually wanted to have an intimate conversation with him.
Now I knew how shitty it felt to have someone bail on you without explanation.
I’d handled his rejection—because face it, that’s what it was—in a mature manner; I got myself off with my trusty vibrator, imagining the lust on his face as he watched.
Then I followed that action with another action—I shut my phone off and went to bed.
But he hadn’t called, or texted. Not at all on Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, leaving me more confused than ever.
Jax should’ve been all over me, especially after being a freakin’ monk for three years.
Following that logical train of thought, he wouldn’t have suffered from performance anxiety. The cocky man knew precisely how to satisfy me, as he’d proven the previous weekend.
Maybe he was afraid of being quick on the trigger the first couple of times?
Maybe he’d been telling the truth about being worried that Mimi might overhear us.
I was loud in bed. It’s never bothered me, and Jax loved that I was so vocal.
But things were different with a kid in the next room. The few times I’d actually had a guy stay over, Mimi hadn’t been around.
God I’d grown tired of being in my own head with these stupid, paranoid thoughts.
Jax needed to explain what happened. Until he did, we couldn’t move forward, and dwelling on it, dissecting it, wouldn’t change a damn thing.
I refocused on Mimi. “Hey, girl. You ready to go downstairs?”
She shrugged. But her feet started to swing beneath the barstool—a tell that something was bothering her.
“Something on your mind, sweetheart?”
She looked up at me and nodded.
I saw such sadness on her face that my heart stumbled a little. “What is it?”
“I haven’t seen Calder in forever.”
Now that hockey sucked up a big chunk of her free time, even the nights she stayed at Jax’s, she arrived too late to play with Calder.
“Can he come over here and play?”
“This weekend? We’ll figure out a way to make it happen. I promise.”
“No, Mommy. Today.”
Today had been an in-service day for the teachers, giving the kids a day off in the middle of the week. I checked my watch. Almost two. Even if Calder could come over, we had to leave for hockey practice in three hours, which wouldn’t give them much time.
“Please?”
“I’d love for him to come over, Meems, but you have hockey practice—”
“It’s not practice, it’s skills class, and I don’t wanna go.”
I froze. That was the first time she’d wanted to skip anything hockey related. “You’re sure?”
“Uh-huh. So can we call him?”
“We can try. But it’s late in the day to be asking, so you’ll be okay if he can’t make it?”
“I guess. But even if he can’t come, I still don’t wanna go to skills class.”
Oh boy. “I’ll call his mom.” I scrolled until I found her name and hit call.
She answered, “Rowan Lund.”
“Rowan. It’s Lucy.”
“Hey, Lucy, how’s it going?”
Weird wasn’t a socially acceptable answer, so I said, “Good. Say, I know it’s late notice, but Mimi wondered if Calder could come over and play for a while today. She misses him.”
“Omigod, seriously? That would be a sanity saver. He had to come to the gym with me today since there’s no school, and he’s been a little terror.”
“I know the feeling. You’re at the U of M right now? We’ll be there in like . . . twenty? Will that work?”
“Yes. He’ll be thrilled. Thanks so much.”
As soon as I hung up, Mimi was practically bouncing up and down. “So? Can he?”
“Yes. We’re picking him up, so grab your coloring stuff and we’ll drop it off in our apartment and get our coats.”
Mimi hugged me. “Thank you, Mommy. This is gonna be the best day ever.”
* * *
• • •
Calder was a sweet kid. I got a huge kick out of seeing him and Mimi playing together.
Mimi was a grade ahead of him in school and thought that entitled her to boss him around. But also, as an only child, Calder was used to getting his way. Listening to them bicker and compromise kept me entertained throughout the afternoon.
They were munching on chocolate caramel cookies they’d made—Calder insisted on sprinkling coarse sea salt on the chunks of caramel before we popped the cookie sheets in the oven. Surprisingly that gave them a different, better flavor. He proudly informed us he’d learned that secret on Chopped.
Then I’d hauled out my crafting supplies so they could make friendship bracelets before we dropped Calder off.
When my phone rang and the caller ID flashed JAX, I had a moment of panic because I’d
forgotten to call and let him know Mimi wouldn’t be at practice.
I answered with, “Hey, Jax. What’s up?” as if I didn’t know.
“Where’s Mimi? Class starts in ten minutes.”
Rude much? “She’s not coming to class today.”
“What? Why not?” A paused followed. “Is she sick?”
“She’s fine. Calder spent the afternoon and they’re having a great time.”
“Too great of a time for her to make it to hockey practice?” he snapped. “Or is it that you don’t want to bring her because you’re upset with me?”
Oh hell no.
I walked into the kitchen out of the kids’ earshot. “Don’t make assumptions when you haven’t been around either of us the last four days. If you had, then you’d know something was bothering Mimi. I don’t know what it is, but she told me she wasn’t going to skills class—regardless if Calder had come over or not. She’s had a fun afternoon, being a kid playing with her best friend, and she’s happier than I’ve seen her all week. The world won’t end if she misses one practice, Jax. And you have a problem if you can’t see that.”
I swore I heard his teeth clack together in frustration.
“Call her later. I’ll make sure she has her cell phone on.” I hung up. If he wanted to argue and accuse, he could show up and do it in person.
* * *
• • •
Since Jensen was out of town, Rowan suggested we take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese’s so neither of us had to cook. The kids were in heaven. Rowan and I had a lot in common and we enjoyed hanging out in what we jokingly called a “Lund-free” zone. We hugged good-bye and promised to keep in touch more frequently, and we meant it.
I juggled the box of leftover pizza and my keys when we stepped off the elevator, so I didn’t notice him before Mimi did.
“Daddy?”
I saw him sitting on the floor across from our apartment.
“Hey, Meems. I heard you got to play with Calder today.”
“It was so much fun!” Her nose wrinkled. “Why are you sitting on the floor?”
Good question. He had a six-thousand-square-foot apartment three floors up, with killer seating; I oughta know, I picked it all out.
“I was waiting for you. I missed you, squirt. A lot.” He reached out and tugged her onto his lap.
Mimi curled into him, nestling her head between his neck and shoulder. “I missed you too, Daddy.”
And . . . my ovaries exploded. My heart melted. I wanted to dogpile them with relief and happiness. But I didn’t move and interrupt their moment.
Jax kissed the top of Mimi’s head. “Can I tell you something?”
“Uh-huh.”
“You hurt my feelings tonight.”
She lifted her head and looked at him with confusion. “I did?”
“Yep. See, tonight was my first night as the fill-in coach for the skills class. And I was kinda nervous about teaching all those kids. But then I thought, it’ll be okay because Meems will be there. And then you weren’t. It made me sad and hurt.”
“Did you cry?”
I bit my cheek to keep from laughing. Crying was Mimi’s pain barometer.
“Well, I wanted to, but I didn’t think it would be very cool for the players to see me boo-hoo-hooing at our first practice together.”
Mimi giggled.
I watched her studying him; the look on her face indicated she was about to make a confession.
Jax noticed it too. “Remember our promise to each other to always be honest when it came to hockey stuff?”
When had he had that conversation with her?
“Uh-huh.”
“What’s the real reason you didn’t want to come tonight?”
“Because I don’t want you to be my team coach.”
If that answer shocked him, he hid it well. “Okay. Can you explain why?”
“Because coaches yell, and I don’t want you to yell at me. I want you to come to my games and watch me. If you’re everyone’s coach, then you’ll be watching them too and then maybe I’ll never get to be a better player.”
It’d never crossed my mind that that’s what had upset Mimi Saturday night, not seeing her dad kissing me—if she’d even caught that.
“Did it hurt your feelings that I said that?” she asked in a small voice.
“Not at all.”
“Am I bein’ bratty not wanting to share my daddy?”
“God no.” Jax kissed her forehead. “I’m glad you told me this. Because it does change a few things, but sweetheart, some of those things can’t be changed. When I agreed to be the fill-in coach, it was as good as a promise. If I go back on my promise, that means not only do you not get to play in any hockey games, none of the other kids on your team get to play either. Do you think that’s fair?”
Mimi twisted the ends of Jax’s hoodie string around her finger as she thought it over. Then she said, “No, that wouldn’t be fair.”
“Do you think you could share me for a few more games? Until it’s decided if Coach Welk will be assigned to your team or until they find another coach?”
“I guess that’d be okay.” She paused and looked at him. “I hope they pick Coach Welk. Did you know she played in the Olympics?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Two different times?”
“Pretty amazing, isn’t it?”
“Uh-huh. And her sister is gonna play in the Olympics soon.”
How did Mimi know that? None of it was a surprise to Jax either. How much time had he spent with Coach Welk?
“Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?” Jax asked her. “Anything at all, maybe even something not about hockey or coaches?”
“Nope.” She hugged him and scrambled off his lap. “Wanna come in and have some of the cookies that me ’n Calder made?”
“I’d love that.”
When he pushed himself up from the floor, I noticed he winced. He’d used his body as a battering ram for most of his life, so I suspected he was paying the price for that now. But I didn’t recall ever hearing him complain.
I continued to stare at him as he moved closer to me.
In that moment, I fully grasped the multitude of changes Jaxson Lund had gone through; I saw the different aspects that had come together to turn him into this amazingly complex man. A man strong enough to walk away from a sport he loved, from booze, from a family business that didn’t fit him . . . from me Saturday night, when I knew he’d wanted to stay, but the timing had been wrong.
That’s when I knew I loved him, this Jax, the man he was now. A man who was becoming the father Mimi needed. A man creating a career outside a hockey rink. A man looking for a home of his own. A man who’d asked for my forgiveness and had earned it. A man I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving, and laughing with, and yelling at, and listening to, and holding in my arms every night.
“Lucy?”
He’d said my name with wonder and surprise from whatever he’d seen on my face.
Mimi sighed and grabbed the keys from my hand to open the door. She went into the apartment, leaving Jax and me alone.
“Luce, baby, are you okay?”
I smiled at him, the smile that had him smiling back at me. “Actually I’ve never been better. Come in and have some cookies.”
“They’ll have to tide me over until I get home since I didn’t eat supper.”
I handed him the pizza box. “Have at it.”
“Thanks.” Then he looked at me suspiciously before he cracked the cardboard lid open and peered inside. “Of course there’s green olives on it.”
“Beggars can’t be choosers, dude. And you better get used to green olives on your pizza, because Mimi and I both love them. You are officially outnumbered.”
The dining room table was
still covered in crafting supplies, so Jax ate the leftover pizza, six cookies and a glass of milk standing at the counter.
Mimi chattered on about the things she and Calder had done, including a ride in the elevator up to the new apartment. “Daddy, when are we gonna move in?”
By “we,” was Mimi including me?
“The moving company is packing up your room on Friday and bringing my stuff as well as what I had in storage.”
“Can I stay over in my new room Friday night?”
“Yep. After the hockey game.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin and wandered over to where Mimi sat, working on another bracelet. “Whatcha doin’, squirt?”
“Making a friendship bracelet for Coach Welk for when she is our new coach.”
Jax smiled. “That’s sweet. I’m sure she’ll love it.”
“Do you wanna make one?”
“For Coach Welk? No.”
“No, silly, make one for someone else. One of your other friends. Like Uncle Nolan.”
My eyes met Jax’s over Mimi’s head, and we both grinned, imagining fashionista Nolan with a brightly woven, slightly misshapen plastic beaded bracelet beneath his Armani shirt and Van Cleef and Arpels cuff links.
“You’ll show me how to do this?” Jax scooted a chair closer to her and plopped down. “Because I’ve never been artsy or crafty.”
“That’s not true,” I pointed out. “When I was pregnant with Mimi you untangled those three balls of yarn that were all twisted together.”
He looked at me with surprise. “I’d forgotten about that. Then you knitted those tiny yellow and green booties from it. I remember being floored by the thought that the lump in your belly would eventually be out and wearing those booties.” A guilty expression crossed his face.
“She never wore them because they were lopsided. Crocheting wasn’t my best crafting skill.”
“What was?”
“Soldering jewelry. I rocked at bending metal too.” Then just to see how he’d react, I tacked on, “But I especially loved handling hard rods.”
Jax’s head whipped my direction.
I Want You Back Page 28
