The Nonesuch

by Georgette Heyer

  Her cool composure seriously disturbed, Ancilla said involuntarily: ‘Oh, Mrs Underhill, d-does he do so when – Oh, no! Surely not?’

  ‘Lord bless you, my dear, of course he does!’ replied Mrs Underhill, with an indulgent laugh. ‘And if it is you – well, often and often I’ve thought to myself that if he was to smile at me the way he does at you I should be cast into a regular flutter, as old as I am!’

  Miss Trent felt her cheeks burning, and pressed her slim hands to them. ‘He – he has a very charming smile, I know!’

  ‘I’ll be bound you do!’ retorted Mrs Underhill. ‘Mark my words if we don’t have him popping the question before we’ve had time to turn round! And this I will say, my dear: I couldn’t be better pleased if you was my own daughter! Not that he’d do for Charlotte, even if she was old enough, which, of course, she isn’t, because, from all I can discover, he’s nutty upon horses, and well you know that she can’t abide ’em!’

  Miss Trent gave a shaky laugh. ‘Yes, indeed I know it. But – Dear Mrs Underhill, pray don’t say any more! You mustn’t encourage me to – to indulge ridiculous dreams! Sir Waldo knows exactly how to make himself very – very agreeable to females, and, I daresay, has broken many hearts. I am determined he shall not break mine! To suppose that he – a matrimonial prize of the first stare! – would entertain for as much as one moment the notion of contracting so unequal a match…’ Her voice failed; she recovered it again to say, with an attempt at a smile: ‘You won’t speak of this to anyone, I know!’

  ‘Certainly not!’ said Mrs Underhill. ‘But don’t you behave missish, my dear, and start hinting him away because you think you ain’t good enough for him! That’s for him to decide, and you may depend upon it that a man of five – or six-and-thirty knows what will suit him. It would be a splendid thing for you, let alone making the Squire’s lady and Mrs Banningham as mad as fire!’

  On this invigorating thought she took her departure, leaving Miss Trent to her own reflections.

  It was long before she fell asleep that night. Mrs Underhill’s blunt words had forced her to confront the truth she had hitherto refused to acknowledge: she had been in love with the Nonesuch for weeks.

  Like a stupidly romantic schoolgirl, she thought, dazzled by the aura of magnificence that hung about a Top-of-the-Trees Corinthian, and foolishly endowing him with heroic qualities because he had a handsome face and splendid figure, rode and drove his high-couraged horses with such effortless mastery, and bore himself with an unconscious assurance which cozened ninnyhammers like herself into thinking he was a demigod. Not that she was quite as idiotish as that, of course. She could scarcely help admiring his appearance, but she had not fallen in love with his face, or his figure, and certainly not with his air of elegance. He had considerable charm of manner, but she decided that it was not that either. She thought it might be the humour that lurked in his eyes, or perhaps his smile. But Lindeth had a delightful smile too, and she was not in the least in love with him. In fact, she didn’t know why she loved the Nonesuch, but only that from the moment of first setting eyes on him she had felt so strong an attraction that it had shocked her, because he was clearly the exemplar of a set of persons whom she held in abhorrence.

  Caution warned her not to place overmuch reliance on what Mrs Underhill had said. Far better than Mrs Underhill did she know how very unlikely it was that a man of Sir Waldo’s eligibility, who could look as high as he pleased for a wife and must be thought to be past the age of contracting a rash engagement, should entertain the smallest intention of offering marriage to an obscure female who had neither consequence nor any extraordinary degree of beauty to recommend her. On the other hand, the things he had said to her that day, before they had parted at the gates of Staples, seemed to indicate that he had something other than mere flirtation in mind. If that had been all he sought she could not conceive why her inferior situation should chafe him, or why, if he had not been sincere, he should have told her that it did. Pondering the matter, she was obliged to own that she knew very little about the art of flirtation; and hard upon this thought came the realization that she knew very little about Sir Waldo either. He had shown himself to be most truly the gentleman, never above his company, nor betraying his boredom, and never seeking to impress the neighbourhood by playing off the airs of an exquisite. As for exerting an evil influence over his young admirers, she had it on the authority of the Squire that his coming to Broom Hall had done them all a great deal of good. Together with their extravagant waistcoats and their monstrous neckcloths they had abandoned such dare-devil sports as Hunting the Squirrel or riding their cover-hacks up the stairs of their parents’ houses: the Nonesuch never wore startling raiment, and he let it be seen that he thought the Dashes and the Neck-or-Nothings not at all the thing. So instead of rushing into wild excesses as a result of his coming amongst them the youthful aspirants to Corinthian fame (said the Squire, with a chuckle) had now run mad over achieving what their hero would think a proper mode.

  It was possible, however, that in his own element Sir Waldo might show another side to his character. Not for a moment did Ancilla believe that he would lead greenhorns astray; but she was bound to acknowledge that for anything she knew his path might be littered with wounded hearts. She could not doubt that he was a master of the art of flirtation; and she was only too well aware of his fatal fascination. She decided that her wisest course would be to put him out of her mind. After reaching this conclusion she lay thinking about him until at last she fell asleep.

  Upon the following day she was driven over to Colby Place in Mrs Underhill’s smart new barouche to enquire after Elizabeth. Charlotte had been her companion designate, but as soon as Tiffany heard of the scheme she said that it was exactly what she had been meaning to do herself, and very prettily begged Miss Trent to grant her a place in the carriage. Forthright Charlotte, who suffered from few illusions, instantly cried off, saying that she preferred to bear Mama company at home than to occupy the forward seat in the barouche. So Tiffany went with Miss Trent, looking a picture of lovely innocence in a gown of sprig muslin, and a charming hat of chip straw, tied under her chin with blue ribbons. A parasol protected her complexion from the sun; and upon the forward seat reposed a basket of grapes. These were an offering from Mrs Underhill, whose succession-houses were the envy of her acquaintances; but Miss Trent, labouring under even fewer illusions than Charlotte, would not have hazarded a groat against the chance that Tiffany would not present them as the fruits of her own solicitude. Any doubts she might have cherished were dispelled by that damsel’s disarmingly naïve explanation.

  ‘So no one could think I was unkind to poor Lizzie, could they? And also, Ancilla, I have invited Patience to go with us to Leeds on Friday, because she wants to purchase new gloves and sandals for the Colebatches’ ball next week, just as I do, and was in quite a puzzle to know how to manage, on account of Mrs Chartley’s being laid up with one of her colicky disorders!’

  ‘That was kind of you, Tiffany!’ said Miss Trent admiringly.

  ‘Well, I think it was,’ said Tiffany. ‘For there’s nothing so uncomfortable as having a third person in one’s carriage! It means you will be obliged to sit forward – But I knew you wouldn’t care a button!’

  ‘No, indeed!’ agreed Miss Trent, with great cordiality. ‘I am only too happy to be allowed to contribute my mite to your generosity.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Tiffany, sublimely unconscious of satire, ‘I was persuaded you would say I had done just as I ought!’

  When they reached Colby Place they perceived that they were not the only visitors. A glossy phaeton, to which was harnessed a team once described by Courtenay as a bang-up set-out of blood and bone, was drawn up in the shade of a large elm tree. A groom in plain livery touched his hat to the ladies; and Tiffany exclaimed: ‘Oh, Sir Waldo is here!’

  But it was not Sir Waldo, as they discovered when they entered
the house, and found Lord Lindeth chatting to Lady Colebatch in her morning-parlour. He jumped up as they were ushered into the room, and when he saw Tiffany a warm light sprang to his eyes, and he said, in a low tone, as soon as she had greeted her hostess and turned to hold out her hand to him: ‘That’s right! I knew you would come!’

  ‘But of course!’ she said, opening her eyes to their widest. ‘Poor Lizzie! Is she better, Lady Colebatch? I have brought some grapes for her.’

  Lady Colebatch, accepting the basket with thanks, replied placidly that there was nothing the matter with Lizzie that would not be amended by a day’s repose, and invited Tiffany to run upstairs to join Miss Chartley at her bedside.

  ‘Patience? Why, what brings her here?’ demanded Tiffany, astonished, and by no means pleased to discover that the Rector’s daughter had been before her in paying a visit of condolence.

  Still less was she pleased when she learned that Patience, hearing the news of her friend’s collapse through the mysterious but inevitable village-channels, had set out to walk the three miles that separated Colby Place from the village, but had been overtaken by Lindeth, diving his cousin’s phaeton, and bent upon the same charitable errand. He had naturally taken her up beside him, which, said Lady Colebatch, with unruffled serenity, she was excessively relieved to know, because although she knew Patience to be an indefatigable walker it would have cast her into high fidgets to have thought of her having trudged so far in such warm weather.

  Lindeth did not seem to have wasted his time during the short drive. Miss Chartley had chanced to mention the forthcoming shopping expedition to Leeds, and he had instantly proposed a capital plan to her, which he now propounded to Miss Trent. ‘I know my cousin has business in Leeds on Friday, so I am hereby issuing an invitation to you all to partake of a nuncheon at the King’s Head!’ he said gaily. ‘Do say you will come, ma’am! I’ve extracted a promise from Miss Chartley that she will, if her mama should not object!’

  ‘I see!’ said Miss Trent, quizzing him. ‘She would object if I were not there to chaperon the party! My dear Lord Lindeth, how can I find the words to thank you for your very flattering invitation? I am quite overcome!’

  He laughed, blushing. ‘No, no, I didn’t mean it so! You know I didn’t! Miss Wield, what do you say?’ He smiled at her, adding softly: ‘Instead of the nuncheon we didn’t eat at Knaresborough! You won’t be so cruel as to refuse!’

  It piqued her to be the last to receive his invitation, but she was on her best behaviour, and she replied at once: ‘Oh, no! A delightful scheme! The very thing to revive us after all our shopping!’

  She then went off, with every appearance of alacrity, to visit Elizabeth; and Lady Colebatch remarked that she didn’t know what Lizzie had done to deserve such kind friends.

  When Tiffany came down again she was accompanied by Miss Chartley, and the whole party took their leave. Miss Trent wondered whether his infatuation would prompt Lindeth to offer to take Tiffany up in place of Patience, and hardly knew whether to be glad or sorry when he made no such suggestion. It was Patience who hesitated, as he stood waiting to hand her up into the carriage, glancing towards Tiffany with a question in her eyes, and saying in her gentle way: ‘Wouldn’t you prefer to go in the phaeton, Tiffany?’

  Tiffany would infinitely have preferred it, and had Julian invited her she would have accepted, after a graceful show of reluctance. But Julian had not invited her, and he did not now add his voice to Miss Chartley’s. That it would have been scarcely civil of him to have done so never occurred to Tiffany; if it had, she would have brushed such an excuse aside: he had chosen to be civil to Patience at her expense, and that, in her eyes, was an unpardonable offence. As for accepting a seat in the phaeton at Patience’s hands, she would have chosen rather to walk back to Staples. She uttered a brittle laugh, and said: ‘No, I thank you! I detest riding in phaetons, and am in a constant quake – unless they are being driven by someone I know won’t overturn them!’

  Miss Trent, who had been stroking one of the leaders, said, in a voice that had in the past more than once abashed a pert pupil: ‘My dear Tiffany, surely you are able to distinguish between perch-phaeton and a high-perch phaeton?’ She paid no further heed to Tiffany, but smiled at Lindeth: ‘The fact that you are driving your cousin’s team tells me that you’re no whipster, Lord Lindeth! Or did you steal them when his back was turned?’

  He laughed. ‘No, I shouldn’t dare! Waldo always lets me drive his horses. He must, you know, for it was he who taught me to handle the reins in form. Only think of the wound his pride would suffer if he had to own that his pupil was not fit to be trusted with his horses! Don’t be afraid, Miss Chartley! I’m not a top-sawyer, but I shan’t overturn you!’

  ‘Indeed, I haven’t the smallest fear of that,’ she replied, glancing shyly up at him. ‘You drove me here so comfortably!’

  ‘Thank you!’ He saw that Tiffany was preparing to get into the barouche, and walked across to her, to hand her in. ‘I mean to make you unsay those words one of these days!’ he said playfully. ‘The grossest injustice! I wish we hadn’t to part so soon: I’ve scarcely exchanged half-a-dozen sentences with you. Did you find Miss Colebatch better? Her mama assured me we need not be afraid of a put-off of their ball next week. Will you dance the waltz with me?’

  ‘What? ’ she exclaimed, her sulks instantly forgotten. ‘Lindeth, you can’t mean we are to waltz? Oh, you’re hoaxing me!’

  He shook his head. ‘I’m not! Dashing, isn’t it?’

  ‘Oh, yes, and such fun!’ she cried, clapping her hands. ‘I declare I’m ready to dote on Lady Colebatch! But how does she dare to be so dreadfully fast? Only think how Mrs Mickleby will look!’

  ‘It has her sanction – almost her blessing!’

  ‘Impossible!’

  ‘I assure you!’ His eyes danced. ‘Lady Colebatch sought her counsel, and she – naturally! – applied to those tonnish London cousins of hers. They informed her that the waltz is now all the crack, and is even permitted at Almack’s. Only rustics, they wrote, still frowned on it. So – !’

  ‘Oh, famous, famous!’ she giggled. ‘The great Mrs Mickleby a rustic ? Now I understand!’

  ‘And you’ll stand up with me?’

  ‘If my aunt permits!’ she replied demurely.

  He smiled, pressed her hand fleetingly, and went back to the phaeton. Tiffany was so much delighted with his news that she was not only able to bear with equanimity the sight of him driving off with Patience beside him, but to chat merrily to Miss Trent about the treat in store all the way back to Staples.

  Nine

  Meanwhile, Lord Lindeth, driving Miss Chartley home at an easy pace, naturally told her that the waltz would be danced at the Colby Place ball. She was quite as much surprised as Tiffany had been, but she received the news very differently, saying wistfully: ‘I have never learnt to waltz, but I shall enjoy watching it.’

  ‘You could learn the steps in a trice,’ he assured her. ‘I know how well you dance, Miss Chartley! Any caper-merchant could teach you in one lesson! Why, I could do so myself – though I’m no dab at it! Do let me!’

  She smiled gratefully at him, but said simply: ‘I don’t think Mama would permit it.’

  ‘Wouldn’t she? Not even when she knows Mrs Mickleby sanctions it?’

  She shook her head, but closed her lips on speech. A lady of true quality, said Mama, did not puff off her consequence: any-thing of that nature belonged to the mushroom class! Mama never mentioned the matter, but she was far better bred than the Squire’s wife, and well did Patience know that she would be considerably affronted by any suggestion that she should accept Mrs Mickleby as a model.

  ‘Does she believe it to be an improper dance?’ asked Lindeth. ‘So too did my own mother, until she saw that it was no such thing. I shall see if I can’t persuade Mrs Chartley to relent! It would be
too bad if you were obliged merely to watch it!’

  ‘I’m afraid you wouldn’t succeed,’ she said, thinking there was no real intention behind his words.

  She was mistaken. When they reached the Rectory Lindeth entered it with her, and was soon engaged in coaxing Mrs Chartley, recovering from her indisposition on the sofa in her drawing-room, to revise her opinion of the fast German dance which had become the rage in London.

  She was by no means impervious to his charm, but her sense of propriety was strict, and it is doubtful whether he would have prevailed upon her to relax it had he not received support from an unexpected quarter. The Rector, coming into the room and learning what was the subject under discussion, said that since the world began each generation had condemned the manners and customs of the next. For himself, he would not judge a dance he had never seen performed. Smiling kindly upon Julian, be invited him to show them the steps.

  ‘Mr Chartley!’ protested his wife, in half-laughing reproach.

  ‘I was very fond of dancing when I was young,’ said the Rector reminiscently. ‘Dear me, what dashers we were! Always up to the knocker, as you young people would say!’

  That made them all laugh; and when he told his wife that while he hoped no child of his would ever pass the line he found he could not wish his daughter to be a dowdy, Mrs Chartley flung up her hands in mock dismay, and consented to postpone judgment. The end of it was that Julian was persuaded to give Patience her first lesson, ably assisted by Miss Jane Chartley, who not only bullied her shrinking elder sister into standing up with him, but volunteered to play the music. This she did with great aplomb, strongly marking the time, in a manner which made her startled mama wonder who had taught her to play waltzes. It was certainly not her rather prim governess.

  Patience (like her father) was very fond of dancing, and as soon as she had overcome her nervousness she showed herself to be an apt pupil, a trifle stiff, when she found Lindeth’s arm round her for the first time, but quickly mastering the steps and the rhythm of the dance.