The Nonesuch

by Georgette Heyer

  ‘No, I suppose not. Oh, well! As long as he don’t start abusing you – !’

  ‘I don’t think he will. But if he should happen to pick out a grievance, oblige me by keeping two circumstances in mind! That he will not be doing so under any roof of yours, and that I am really quite capable of fighting my own battles!’

  ‘Don’t I know it!’ Julian retorted. ‘And of giving nasty set-downs! Very well! I’ll behave with all the propriety in the world – if I can!’ He opened the door, but looked over his shoulder, grinning, as a sudden thought assailed him. ‘Oh, by Jupiter! Won’t our Bond Street beau stagger the neighbourhood?’

  Eleven

  If Julian’s demeanour, when he met his cousin Laurence on the following morning, put Sir Waldo forcibly in mind of a stiff-legged terrier, not aggressively inclined but giving warning by his slightly raised bristles that he was prepared to repel any attack, this wary hostility soon vanished. Laurence greeted him in the friendliest manner, with apparently no memory of their last stormy encounter; so Julian, naturally sunny-tempered, immediately responded in kind. Laurence was very full of liveliness and wit, giving a droll account of his valet’s horror at the privations of life at Broom Hall, and describing the various hazards he had himself encountered. ‘Not that I mean to complain, coz!’ he assured Sir Waldo. ‘After all, I know where the rotten floor-board is now, and even if the ceiling does come down I daresay I may not be lying helpless in bed at the time. I don’t regard a few scraps of plaster descending on me as anything to make a dust about! To think that I should have been as cross as crabs because old Joseph left the place to you! You’re very welcome to it, Waldo!’

  This was clearly so well-intentioned that Julian instantly regaled him with a highly-coloured account of his own first night in the house, when he had put his foot through the sheet; and before very long they were both of them roasting Sir Waldo in lighthearted, if temporary, alliance.

  ‘Jackstraws!’ he remarked. ‘A little more, and you’ll find yourselves cast upon the world! Laurie, if you want to ride I can mount you, but if you prefer to drive the matter becomes more complicated. There’s my phaeton, and there’s a gig, and there’s a tub of a coach which I imagine old Joseph must have inherited from his grandfather. We rumble to balls and rout-parties in that: Julian thinks it’s just the thing. You won’t – and nor, for that matter, do I. You can have the phaeton when I’m not using it myself, but –’

  ‘Oh, lord, no!’ Laurence interrupted. ‘I shouldn’t think of taking your horses out! The gig will do well enough, if I should want to drive myself anywhere.’

  ‘No, I’ll tell you what, Waldo!’ said Julian. ‘The Buffer at the Crown has a whisky, which he lets out on hire: that’s the thing for Laurie! He won’t like the look of the gig.’

  ‘What you mean is that you’re afraid he will want it when you do,’ said Sir Waldo. ‘Take him into the village, and hire the whisky!’

  ‘I will. I mean to call at the Rectory, too, to see how Miss Chartley does after yesterday’s adventure. Are you using the phaeton this morning?’ Julian asked hopefully.

  ‘No, you may have it.’

  ‘Much obliged! Have you driven Waldo’s bays, Laurie?’

  ‘Oh, I shall leave driving them to you! I’m not a pupil of the great Nonesuch!’ said Laurence, with a titter.

  ‘I daresay you are a better fiddler than I am, however,’ replied Julian, with determined civility.

  ‘Waldo would not say so!’

  ‘Fudge! What do you think, Waldo?’

  Sir Waldo was reading one of his letters, and said, without looking up from it: ‘Think about what?’

  ‘Our handling of the reins. Which of us is the better whip? You are to decide!’

  ‘Impossible! Two halfpennies in a purse!’

  ‘Of all the knaggy things to say!’ Julian exclaimed indignantly. ‘If that’s what you think us I wonder at your letting either of us drive your precious bays!’

  ‘Yes, so do I,’ agreed Sir Waldo, getting up from the breakfast-table. ‘Have you a fancy to attend a ball, Laurie?’

  ‘Good God, coz, do you have balls in these rural parts? What do they dance? minuets?’

  ‘Country-dances and reels – but this one is to be a waltzing-ball, isn’t it, Julian?’

  Julian laughed. ‘Some waltzing, at all events. You’d be surprised if you knew how gay we’ve been, Laurie!’

  ‘I think you had better take him to visit Lady Colebatch,’ said Sir Waldo.

  ‘Puffing him off to the neighbourhood? Very well!’

  Laurence was by no means sure that he wished to become acquainted with his cousins’ new friends. He was much addicted to ton parties, where all the guests were of high fashion, but country entertainments he thought abominably dull. However, when he learned that his cousins were engaged for almost every evening for some time to come he realized that unless he joined them in these rural festivities he would be condemned to solitude, so he yielded, and went away to change the frogged and braided dressing-gown in which he had chosen to breakfast for raiment more suited to paying country morning-visits.

  Julian, who had been mischievously looking forward to the effect his dandified cousin’s usual costume was likely to have on the neighbourhood, was disappointed to see, when Laurence came strolling into the stable yard, that he was not wearing the town-dress of a Bond Street beau, but had exchanged his delicately hued pantaloons and his mirror-bright Hessian boots for breeches of pale yellow and white-topped riding-boots; and his exaggeratedly long-tailed coat of superfine for a redingote. However, this garment was raised above the ordinary by its stiffly wadded shoulders and its enormous breast flaps; and both the Mathematical Tie which Laurence wore, and the height of his shirt-points, left nothing to be desired. Furthermore, the driving-coat which he tossed negligently into the phaeton bore upwards of a dozen capes. Julian advised him earnestly to put it on, warning him that the roads were very dusty. ‘You’ll be smothered in it!’ he prophesied. ‘It would be too bad, for you look very dapper-dog!’

  ‘I regret I can’t return the compliment, coz!’ said Laurence, surveying him through his quizzing-glass. ‘If you don’t object to my saying so, your rig is more that of a hayseed than of a Nonesuch!’

  ‘Oh, I gave up aping Waldo’s fashions when I found I couldn’t ape his skill!’ retorted Julian, with the blandest of smiles.

  Fortunately for the harmony of the day, Laurence recollected that a quarrel with Julian would do nothing to advance his cause with Waldo; so he suppressed a pretty stinging answer, and merely laughed, and said: ‘How wise!’ He then languidly waved aside an offer to yield the reins up to him, and climbed into the phaeton. No conversation was exchanged for the first few minutes; but after critically watching Julian’s handling of the mettlesome pair harnessed to the carriage, Laurence said: ‘You’re growing to be a regular dash. Pretty lively, ain’t they? What’s keeping Waldo here for so long?’

  ‘Why, you know, don’t you? He’s turning Broom Hall into another orphanage.’

  ‘Oh, yes, I know that! He did the same with that place he bought in Surrey, but if he ever spent as much as one night in it it’s the first I’ve heard of it.’

  ‘That was different!’ objected Julian. ‘There’s the estate to be thought of here, and I can tell you it’s in a shocking way! No bailiff, either. Waldo is determined to bring it into good order before he leaves, which means the devil of a lot of work, you know.’

  ‘Lord, he must have a dozen men he could employ on that!’ Laurence said impatiently.

  ‘Well, he don’t choose to. Hallo, here comes the Squire! A very good sort of a man: wife all pretension: one son and two daughters!’ explained Julian, in a hurried undervoice, as he pulled up his horses. ‘Good-morning, sir! Not so hot today, is it? May I present my cousin to you? Mr Calver – Mr Mickleby!’

 
The Squire, acknowledging Laurence’s graceful bow with a brief nod, stared very hard at him, and ejaculated: ‘Ha! Calver! Ay, you’ve got a look of old Joseph.’

  Laurence had never seen Joseph Calver, but he resented this remark: and told Julian, when the Squire had trotted off on his stout cob, that if his manners were a sample of what was to be expected in this uncouth district he would as lief be spared any more introductions. However, when the hire of the whisky had been arranged, he consented to accompany Julian to the Rectory. Leaving the phaeton at the Crown, they walked down the village street, reaching the Rectory just as Mrs Underhill was stepping into her barouche, which was drawn up at the gate.

  Mrs Underhill had driven from Staples to enquire after Patience, and to tell Mrs Chartley how sorry she was that such a disagreeable adventure should have befallen her while she had been in Miss Trent’s charge; and she had arrived at the Rectory in as flustered a state of mind as was possible in one of her calm temperament, her headstrong niece having flatly refused to accompany her on this visit of reparation. She might know little about fashionable manners, but one thing (she said) she did know, and that was that Tiffany had behaved very badly to Miss Chartley, and owed her an apology. Upon which, Tiffany, after declaring in a torrent of angry words that it was Patience who owed her an apology, for exposing her to a scene of odious embarrassment, had slammed out of the room and locked herself into her bedchamber. So Mrs Underhill, much agitated, had been obliged to excuse her to Mrs Chartley. She said that she was laid down with a headache; but when Patience exclaimed that she was so sorry, because it must have been quite horrid for poor Tiffany to be jostled and stared at by a crowd of people, she had abandoned all pretence, and said bluntly: ‘It’s like you to say so, my dear, but by what I can discover she behaved in a very unbecoming way, and I’m so mortified as never was! And if she won’t beg your pardon – which she won’t, for bring her to own she’s ever at fault you can’t, tell her so till Doomsday, – I will, and so I do!’

  Perceiving that she was very much upset, Mrs Chartley made a sign to Patience to leave them, and applied herself to the task of soothing the poor lady’s ruffled sensibilities. She succeeded so well that before long Mrs Underhill was pouring out to her the difficulties and discomforts attached to the guardianship of a spoiled beauty who didn’t seem to have a scrap of affection in her. Mrs Chartley listened sympathetically, agreeing that she would have grown up very differently if her uncle had not sent her to school, and encouraging Mrs Underhill’s wistfully expressed belief that her tantrums were merely childish, and that she would improve when she was a little older.

  Mrs Underhill felt much better after unburdening herself. A glass of ratafia, and a comfortable gossip with her hostess still further restored her; and by the time the two Chartley ladies escorted her to her barouche she was her placid self again, and able to meet Lord Lindeth without suffering any recrudescence of mortification. He performed the introductions, and while Laurence exchanged civilities with the Chartleys he enquired politely after Tiffany, expressing his regret that the previous day’s accident should have proved too much for her nerves.

  ‘Nerves!’ said Mrs Underhill, rejecting this tactful effort. ‘She hasn’t got any, my lord! A nasty, spiteful temper is what she’s got, and wears us all to death with it! Not that she can’t be as sweet as a nut when she chooses, but if things don’t fall out just the way she wants them to she flies into the boughs directly.’ She then lowered her voice, and said, with a significant glance cast at Laurence: ‘Did you say he was your cousin?’

  ‘Yes, ma’am: my cousin Calver.’

  ‘Well!’ she uttered. ‘I’m sure we all thought there was never anyone as modish as Sir Waldo, so elegant and trim as he is, but he’s nothing to Mr Calver, is he? Why, he’s as fine as a star! I’ll be bound he’s one of the London smarts?’

  ‘Yes, indeed!’ said Julian, his eyes dancing. ‘A real Pink of the Ton!’

  ‘I can see that,’ she nodded, much impressed. ‘I hope you’ll bring him with you when you come to my turtle-dinner next Friday, if he won’t think it a bore.’

  ‘He will be very much obliged to you, ma’am,’ Julian answered promptly. He turned his head towards his cousin. ‘Laurie, Mrs Underhill has been so kind as to invite you to dine at her house next Friday!’

  Laurence, executing one of his exquisite bows, said all that was proper, for he prided himself on his social address, but not even Mrs Underhill’s evident admiration reconciled him to the prospect of dining in her house. He described her as a vulgar mushroom, and wondered that his cousins should not have kept her at a proper distance.

  ‘We’re not as niffy-naffy as you – or, of course, of such consequence!’

  Laurence reddened, and said peevishly: ‘You needn’t ride grub because I don’t care for low company! Who is the creature?’

  ‘She is a wealthy widow, with a son, a daughter, and a very beautiful niece. She owns the largest house in the neighbour-hood, and may be depended on to set a capital dinner before us. She’s a cit, but excessively good-natured, and has been particularly kind in giving us an open invitation to dine at Staples whenever we choose – or whenever the builders make Broom Hall intolerable! We have been in the habit of going there quite frequently so, if you don’t want one of Waldo’s set-downs, I advise you not to speak of Mrs Underhill to him as a vulgar mushroom!’

  ‘One of Waldo’s eccentricities, I collect. Or has he got up a flirtation with the beautiful niece? Is that what’s keeping him in Yorkshire?’

  ‘I’ve told you already what’s keeping him. As for Miss Wield, she’s no more than seventeen, and if you think Waldo would –’

  ‘Oho!’ interrupted Laurence, his curiosity roused. ‘Have you an interest there yourself ?’

  Julian flushed, and answered stiffly: ‘No. I admire her, as everyone must, but I am not one of her suitors. She has dozens of ’em!’ He continued, in an easier tone: ‘She’s a diamond of the first water, I promise you! But there are several very pretty girls to be seen – Miss Colebatch is one of them. I hope she may be at home when we get to Colby Place.’

  ‘Don’t hope it on my account!’ said Laurence, yawning. ‘I’m not in the petticoat-line!’

  Inasmuch as he was too self-absorbed ever to have contracted even the mildest passion for any lady, this was true; but provided that he was not expected to run errands, or to dance attendance, or, in fact, to put himself out in any way, he was rather fond of feminine society. He was also responsive to flattery, and of this he received full measure at Colby Place. Not only was Miss Colebatch at home, but her two younger sisters were sitting with their mama when the visitors were announced; and from the moment of his entering the room they seemed unable to drag their eyes from the elegant Mr Calver. Awe was writ large on their youthful countenances; and when he was kind enough to address a word or two to one or other of them they showed by their blushes, nervous giggles, and stammering replies how appreciative they were of his condescension. Miss Colebatch, though she did not betray it, was a good deal impressed by his air of à la modality; and her mama, not content with begging him to honour her ball with his presence, gratified him by asking his advice on various questions concerning it, because she said that she was persuaded he must be familiar with all the latest kicks of high fashion.

  He was shortly to be still more gratified. The news that the Nonesuch had another cousin staying with him, and one who was an out-and-out dandy, rapidly spread, and was productive of a spate of notes directed to Sir Waldo, and carrying the assurances of the various hostesses to whom he and Lindeth were engaged that they would be most happy to include Mr Laurence Calver amongst their guests.

  Laurence affected unconcern, but he was secretly as much exhilarated as surprised by his sudden and unexpected rise to importance. In London, amongst men of more natural parts and longer purses than his, it was almost impossible to make a hit: partic
ularly (as he had often and resentfully thought) if one had the misfortune to be overshadowed by so magnificent a cousin as the Nonesuch, who, besides being universally acknowledged as Top-of-the-Trees, commanded as much liking as admiration. Far too frequently had Laurence been presented to strangers as Sir Waldo Hawkridge’s cousin; and although he had not scrupled to use this relationship to gain the entrance to certain exclusive circles it galled him very much to know that he was accepted merely because of the respect in which Waldo was held. He would have repudiated with scorn any suggestion that he should seek fame in a rural district remote from the hub of fashion; but having been compelled by circumstance to visit his cousin he did not find it at all disagreeable to have become a star in this lesser firmament. Elderly and bucolic gentlemen might look upon him with disfavour; their hard-riding sons were welcome to make Waldo their model: to be admired or despised by dotards and schoolboys were matters of equal indifference to him while he was courted by the ladies, and enjoyed the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that his hair-style, his neckties, and many of his mannerisms were being copied by several aspirants to dandyism. His success made it possible for him to bear, with tolerable equanimity, his cousin’s tacit refusal to allow him to reopen the discussion which had brought him to Yorkshire. He had only once attempted to do so. He had been foiled, and he had thought that he had been a trifle too precipitate, perhaps, and must allow Waldo more time for consideration. He meant to have another touch at him after a discreet interval; meanwhile he was very well pleased to bridge the gap with whatever entertainments were offered him.

  His appearance at the Colebatches’ ball transcended all expectations, and quite eclipsed the local smarts. The beautiful arrangement of his pomaded locks, the height of his shirt-points, the intricacies of his neckcloth, the starched frill which protruded between the lapels of his tightly-fitting coat, with its short front and its extravagantly cutaway tails, the fobs and the seals which hung from his waist, and even the rosettes on his dancing-pumps, proclaimed him to be a Tulip of the first stare. His bow was much admired; if he was not precisely handsome, he was generally held to be good-looking; and when he led Tiffany Wield on to the floor for the first waltz even the most hostile of his critics acknowledged him to be a most accomplished dancer. The Squire went further, setting Sir Ralph Colebatch off into an alarming choking fit by growling in his ear: ‘Damned caper-merchant!’