by Quinn Loftis
Myanin and Tenia nodded like good little soldiers. Then Tenia grabbed Myanin and flashed them away. This time, Myanin didn’t object to being grabbed as she usually would have because she was a second away from punching Alston in his smug face. As soon as the duo reappeared somewhere else, Tenia released her. She shook her hand and looked at Myanin as if she didn’t know her.
“Are you okay?” Tenia asked, her voice cautious.
“That’s a loaded question,” said Myanin as she looked at the ground.
“Your skin is hot, like burning hot,” the fae practically whispered. “But you’re pale, as if all of the blood has been drained from your body. With skin that hot you should be flushed, not white as snow.”
“Why is it I hate that fae more every time I see him?” Myanin asked, avoiding Tenia’s questions. She wasn’t ready to reveal exactly what she was. Tenia was a friend, or at least Myanin would like to think they’d become friends. What would she think when Myanin revealed that she now knew she was no better than the prisoners they’d judged worse than the others? She pulled a nearly empty bag of cotton candy from her hip pocket. As she put a piece in her mouth, expecting it to bring a rush of relief, she nearly spit it out as it tasted like ash in her mouth. But she forced herself to swallow it. She would take the punishment. The one thing she’d taken pleasure in was now a reminder of what she was. She would eat every bite and swallow it down as if it were just as good as always. She had to. Until she could come to terms with this new self, this new identity she was disgusted by, she couldn’t give up the last bit of joy, even if it no longer served its purpose.
“The longer you’re away from them, the more you realize just how horrible they are. Being around them causes you to become desensitized to their evil. It infects your pores even if you don’t want it to,” Tenia said. “They’re like poison.” She continued to stare at Myanin as if she’d grown a second head, though she didn’t push for answers to her questions. Maybe she could see the anguish in Myanin’s eyes. Perhaps it was enough for the fae to let it lie, for now.
The djinn nodded her agreement. “How’s your young?”
The disgust and worry on Tenia’s face instantly disappeared. “He’s good. Alston has kept his promise not to harm him. But I’m more worried about the damn high fae recruiting him. He’s been filling Torion’s head full of lies, and I’ve been trying to dispel them.”
That didn’t surprise Myanin. Alston was a snake in fae skin. Nothing he said could be trusted. She glanced around and saw they were standing in front of a building with a sign that said Motel. “What’s this?”
“A place to sleep that’s not within the confines of the Order,” Tenia said. “Alston won’t let me sleep in the room with my son. And I never really feel I can sleep with both eyes closed when I’m there.” Tenia looked at the building longingly. “I need some sleep.”
Myanin wondered if Tenia had felt the evil in the prisons. Had she been affected by the darkness that seemed to abide in the very walls of the building? She shook her head, trying to dislodge herself of the memory of the last prisoner. The malice left from when he’d spoken to her still clung to her mind. Just thinking about it sent chills down Myanin’s spine. It didn’t help that she no longer felt the indignation she had when he’d accused her of being like him.
She followed Tenia into the building and watched the fae speak to the human behind the desk. Tenia gave the man the human currency that she always seemed to be able to come up with. When she walked back over to Myanin, the fae held up a plastic, rectangle card.
“Why did you pay him?” Myanin asked. “You could have made him give us the room.”
“You know why, or you should by now.”
Myanin mentally rolled her eyes. She really wasn’t any better than the Order. She’d always had a superior attitude toward humans, even though she never wished them ill will. But she knew Tenia was saying that compelling the man to give them a room would be akin to stealing. She did know that. She’d just never thought of it as being wrong. It wasn’t hurting anyone, was it? But it was wrong. Stealing was wrong. In any form. Damn this whole self-improvement crap was exhausting, not to mention nauseating. Seeing herself in a new light was only making her want to turn tail and run back to the oblivion of darkness. In the darkness Myanin didn’t have to see herself. She didn’t have to view the imperfections she knew were there but were able to be forgotten because they went unseen.
“Anyway, we’re good to go,” Tenia said, drawing Myanin from her inward reflection, thank goodness. The fae’s eyes drooped, and her shoulders slumped forward. She looked ready to collapse.
“What is that?” Myanin motioned to the card.
“It’s the room key.” Tenia led Myanin further into the building.
It didn’t look like any kind of key Myanin had seen before, but then she’d never seen the cotton candy either, so what did she know? “Not as much as I thought” was becoming the resounding answer to almost all of her questions.
After a few moments of walking, Tenia stopped in front of a door and slid the card into a slot. The door beeped, and a little light on it turned green. Tenia pushed the door open, and Myanin thought it took much more effort from the fae than it should have.
“Pick a bed.” Tenia motioned to the pair in the room.
“I’ll take this one.” Myanin chose the bed closest to the door. She suspected Tenia might not be able to get up fast enough to fight off an intruder should one come upon them in the middle of the night.
Tenia nodded and without a word took off her boots, removed her knives from various pockets, and laid them on the table beside the bed before climbing under the blanket. “Get some sleep, Myanin. I think we’ve both earned it.” Less than a minute later, Tenia’s breathing had slowed, and she was fast asleep.
Myanin left her boots on. She removed her swords, setting them on the floor beside the bed, but she kept her knives in place. As she laid down, her own lethargy set in. But despite her exhaustion she could feel the heat Tenia had pointed out. The burning of the magic that was not her own beneath her flesh. Myanin wasn’t sure what to do about it. Was she having a crisis of conscience? She could confidently say yes. Was she ready to give up the power she’d taken? What if she could use the power for good? What if she could turn the purpose she’d originally taken the magic and make it helpful to the good guys? Could she really justify keeping it? Damn all these questions. She reached up and ran her hand down her face. Her skin was damp with sweat. She let out a sigh. She was so tired. Myanin continued to stare up at the ceiling, trying to shut out all the thoughts and questions that were eating at her. Finally, her eyes drifted closed.
The next time her eyes opened, Myanin was no longer in the motel room. Instead, she was standing in a ruined forest. The trees that had once stood tall and proud had been pushed over as if they were no more than twigs. The ground was charred black. There were remnants of blood and the smell of magic surrounded her.
“Where am I?” she asked out loud.
“This is the battlefield where my chosen fought and many died,” the Great Luna’s voice said from behind her.
Myanin quickly turned and immediately dropped to her knees. Who could stand in the presence of the goddess’s glory? “Why have you brought me here?” she asked, her voice trembling.
“So you can see what true anguish looks like,” the goddess answered. “This is the result of the pain from my faithful one, Perizada. She watched as her beloved friend was killed. As the battle raged around her, she saw the heart of my alpha female ripped from her chest. Her suffering and rage was such that she leveled the forest, leaving it a burnt mess without so much as a thought. And her anger was justified.”
Myanin stared at the blackened earth. She reached down, sunk her fingers into the ash, and fisted it. The ash crunched. She released it and watched the dust fall back to the earth.
“Stand, child,” the Great Luna said, her voice gentle but firm.
Myanin pushed up on s
haky legs that felt as if they wouldn’t hold her weight.
“Look at me.”
The djinn raised her head slowly until she was gazing at the Great Luna. It was uncomfortable to look at one so pure, especially with the transgressions that Myanin carried inside of her. The guilt and shame that had begun to thoroughly eat away at her was overwhelming in the face of her Creator.
“There is righteous anger, and then there is anger that is corrupt and unjust,” the goddess said as she held Myanin in her gaze. “Your pain is real. But the anger and the actions you took because of that anger was unjust. And it eats at you because you know it was wrong. And you know what the Order is doing is wrong. You have no peace because you continue to follow the wide path that is full of self-gratification and indignation that you think you have a right to.”
Myanin felt sick. She didn’t understand why she was here. Why did the Great Luna keep coming to her if she was lost?
“Because you are mine, Myanin of the djinn. You have been lost, but I found you. I will always find you. Your heart has not yet hardened to the point that you no longer see right and wrong. Already your eyes are opening to the reality of what your actions have done, not just to others, but to you as well.”
Myanin’s hands trembled as she wiped the tears from her face. “What do you want from me?”
“I want you to give me your heart. The one that beats in your chest now beats only for yourself. It cries out for that which does not belong to you. It rages at what you perceive to be unfair treatment. It seeks only to protect your own interests. Give me your heart so I can give you a new one. When you give me your heart, all that is inside of you that does not belong to you or in you will leave. You will be a new creation. ”
Myanin’s breaths came out in sharp pants as she tried to understand what the Great Luna was saying. How could she give her the heart that was inside of her? There was a part of her that wanted to rip it from her chest and beg the goddess to take it because she was so tired of the pain and anger. But she didn’t know how to let it go.
“I will tear you down so I can build you back up.” The Great Luna walked to Myanin and cupped the djinn’s face in her hand. The warmth and peace that flowed into Myanin ripped the breath from her lungs. “I have chosen you to be an instrument to help begin the destruction of the enemy.”
“Why me?” Myanin whispered. “I am nothing. How can you possibly use me after what I’ve done?”
“I can best use those who’ve realized their own helplessness. They have chosen to let go of their selfish ways. They have turned away from the evil that so easily entangles and reached out for the love, mercy, and forgiveness I offer them.
“The only difference is you’ve yet to choose me, your Creator. Only I can fill the emptiness inside of you.” The goddess leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Myanin’s forehead. The djinn felt it all the way to her soul.
“What if I can’t do that? What if I’m too far gone?” Myanin was scared of the answer, but she had to ask.
“If you were too far gone, child of mine, you would not be asking that question. You must take your eyes from the one who keeps your heart captive. He is not yours. You cannot have the one I have for you until you let go of the hate growing inside of you. You need to accept that the plan I have for you is better than anything you could choose for yourself. I love you, and I created you for a purpose. You must accept the consequences of your actions. It will be painful. It will be hard. But it will be worth it.”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” Myanin admitted. She’d already been facing the wretchedness inside her, and she was tired of seeing it. She definitely didn’t want to see anymore.
“I know. But you will. Rest Myanin. You have much before you. You have remained in this place long enough. It’s time for you to move.”
Chapter 9
“As a child, it seems anything and everything is possible. But with every year that passes, you begin to realize the only thing that is truly possible is to choose between right and wrong. Each step following that choice puts you on a path—one that can lead to your destruction or your redemption.” ~Tenia
“How did you sleep?” Tenia asked Myanin the following morning as they sat in the same supernatural tavern as they had a few days prior. They had both woken very hungry, and for the first time since Myanin had been introduced to the stuff, Myanin craved something more substantial than cotton candy.
Myanin’s skin felt raw, as if her skin had been peeled back and the nerves exposed. She wondered if Tenia could see her unease. The djinn felt as if she no longer knew who she was. “Well enough, I guess,” she finally answered because she didn’t know what else to say. After her encounter with the Great Luna, Myanin had slept peacefully. There had been no visit from Lyra, though now that she was awake, she did feel the hum of the elder’s power. It wasn’t as strong but still there, a constant reminder that it did not belong inside of her. It was not hers.
They ate in silence, for which Myanin was glad. Her mind was spinning, the words of the Great Luna swirling round and round as she grappled with what she’d learned from the goddess. Some of it she understood plainly. Some of it seemed like a foreign language. What was abundantly clear to Myanin was that she had to make a choice. Every time she thought of letting go of her feelings toward Thad, his mate, and the elders—feelings she’d held onto for so long—it seemed the earth was falling out from under her. But thinking about what she’d become, what she’d allowed those feelings to turn her into, was worse. Even though the emotions that had tied her to Thadrick were what had held her to this life, she didn’t want that existence anymore. She couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t loved him. Yet, she wanted to be as far away from those old feelings as possible, because somewhere along the way that love had morphed into something else, something twisted and ugly. She no longer wanted it to be inside her. It was like the magic she’d taken from Lyra. In the elder, it was controlled, used for its purpose, and good. But inside of Myanin, where it had been intended for darker things, it had become twisted, vile, and was rotting her from the inside out.
When the pair had each finished gobbling up a plateful of bacon, eggs, and hash browns, Tenia left a few pieces of gold and gems lying on the table, and they headed out of the tavern. Those inside had paid her little attention this second time around, which Myanin appreciated. As they left, no one bothered to stare at her for longer than a second or two before looking away.
“So, where are we headed?” Tenia asked as they stood in the parking lot. “Are we actually going to surveil the wolves or just pretend to for the Order’s benefit?”
“We will surveil. We just won’t report back the truth, but for now can we just walk for a little while?” It probably sounded crazy to Tenia, but Myanin wasn’t in the mood to be a pretend spy, and she had no desire to return to the Order. She didn’t even want to have a cotton candy break, not when it would bring her nothing but the taste of the ash she’d held in her hand in her dream. Her stomach was in her throat as her mind just continued to play the goddess’s words over and over. Lyra had remained silent, and for that she was grateful.
Tenia’s eyes softened as if she understood. “Sure. But how about we go somewhere with better scenery?”
Myanin glanced around at the unappealing landscape, which looked like the djinn felt. She didn’t want to say that out loud, so she simply nodded. She took Tenia’s offered arm and the fae flashed them away.
They appeared on a hillside overlooking a picturesque valley. The sun was just beginning to crest, and the morning rays filled the sky with streaks of orange and yellow. Everywhere the light touched, life seemed to flourish. Instead of walking, Myanin sat, facing the sunrise. Tenia didn’t ask any questions. She simply sat down next to the djinn, a quiet reminder that she was there.
The silence stretched on, but Myanin didn’t feel awkward. She was too busy wrestling with her inner demons to notice. Below her, half the valley lay in darkness, yet untouched by
the morning sun. Myanin realized her heart must appear similar. Some of it was covered by darkness—hidden places the light had not yet touched … or perhaps could no longer reach. Myanin hated feeling like this: lost, alone, groping in the darkness. She could see the light in front of her, but she couldn’t make it there. She’d been fooling herself, but fools never learned quickly. That was what made them fools. Why did you do this to me, Myanin? Lyra’s voice was there once again, intruding on her quiet, though not peaceful, moment. Lyra’s tone, like last time, was not accusing, but pleading, almost as if she wanted Myanin to confess not for Lyra’s sake but for her own. You cannot step into the light until you reveal what you’ve kept in the dark. Why did you take my life? Why did you take my power?
Myanin pulled her knees up and laid her arms across them. She leaned her head forward until it rested against them. Her eyes welled up, and she cursed the tears she hated to shed. Never in all of her life had she experienced pain such as what filled her now. Every nerve felt exposed as if her skin had been flayed from her body and she was open to the elements. The physical pain was just a manifestation of the emotional pain consuming her. Myanin couldn’t stand it. She was done. Death had to be better than this. “Why?” The elder’s voice came again. She didn’t have to repeat the questions. Myanin knew them all by heart. She also knew the answers. There was no reason left to remain silent. She’d lost everything. What had she gained from what she’d taken? Pain, guilt, shame, a level of self-loathing that she’d never thought herself capable of. I’m done. I don’t want it. Please, take it. Take the magic, take the power, take the breath from my lungs because I cannot bear this any longer.
“WHY?” Lyra’s voice demanded. “There is only peace when there is remorse and repentance, and there is only repentance when there is brokenness and a willingness to admit what it is you have done. Accept the peace being offered to you, Myanin. Accept the grace.”
