by Kate Stone
"I’m sure."
Instantly, he was kissing me soft and deep. His arms circled back around me and he pulled me up off the bed. Without my heels, he towered over me even more than before. I didn’t quite know what to do with my hands, so I rested them atop his chest as his found the zipper at the back of my dress. The combination of his kisses along my jawline, across my earlobe, and down my neck with the sound and vibration of him sliding the zipper down along my spine gave me shivers. He pulled my hair to the side, looping it around his fist, as his other hand glided across my bare skin. I barely had a moment to be surprised at how gentle he was being with me before he picked me up and laid me down on the bed and pulled the sheath of my dress off me.
There was that vulnerable feeling again. He was backlit by the bedside lamp, creating that same imposing silhouette of a man I had conjured in my imagination while in the bath. I laid there in nothing but a bra and panties while he disrobed to his boxers and crawled on top of me. I felt the heat and hardness of him against my thigh through the fabric.
Alex returned his kisses to my lips, tasting tart and sweet, before his mouth roamed lower. His breath and touches were carving floods of warmth down my neck, dipping into the hollow of my collarbone, and then down to the softness of my breasts. He pulled my bra straps down over my shoulders and I arched my back to allow him access to the clasp. Once he’d tossed it aside, his lips and tongue traced more circular motions around each of my nipples and my back arched again as that new and overwhelming sensation of pleasure rocked my body. My fingers threaded through his hair. He let out a content sigh as he kissed the underside of each breast and then down my stomach to the band of my panties. He sat up and hooked his forefingers into the waistline, tracing them back and forth from my hip bones like individual pendulums for a tantalizing moment.
Then he was kneeling on the floor beside the bed again as he pulled them down and off of me. His hands were heavy on my thighs this time as he spread my legs apart and began to dip his head. Instinct took over and I spread my legs more for him. I was no longer able to keep my eyes open as he used his tongue to explore me. I startled myself by moaning, but I couldn’t help it – his tongue was giving me sensations I’d never felt before. And then he was back on top of me, having lost his boxers somewhere in the transition. He kissed me and I could feel his cock throbbing against my hip.
He looked into my eyes and said, "Ready?"
I could only nod, I was so overwhelmed with the tsunami of sensations coursing across my body. I felt the tip of him slip into my wetness for only half of a second before he thrust and a simultaneous wave of searing pain and incredible fullness seized every muscle in my body. My hips shot up to meet his as I strained to take as much of him in as I could. Alex groaned, thrusting again and I realized that he hadn’t been completely inside me. As he settled in a faster rhythm, the pain melted away and I clutched the sheets, hanging on as our bodies slammed together in desperate need. He filled me over and over again until a new earth-shattering sensation coiled deep into my bone marrow and exploded outwards as our bodies rocked in tandem Every muscle from the furrow of my brow to the curl of my toes clenched as I screamed his name. Alex growled in a way that was almost primal before he collapsed on top of me.
It seemed like ages that we lay there, sunk into ourselves and the bed, caressing each other but not speaking. When I finally came to something that resembled my senses, I felt different in every sense of the word. Physically I was different, and emotionally I had an air of disbelief around my own actions. I felt achy and bruised and had had a one hundred percent lack of faith in my legs’ ability to hold my weight.
I looked at Alex. He turned on his side to face me, eyes heavy and half-lidded.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"I’m good. That was a lot, but it was good." Maybe I wasn’t so different because I still didn’t know what to say.
I sat up, swung my legs over the side of the bed and wiggled my toes on the carpet as a mini test of my mobility. I decided that it was worth a shot and stood up, feeling as though my knees had been replaced by jelly. My ungraceful lurch drew a chuckle from where Alex was still sprawled on the bed. I grabbed my clutch and gingerly made my way to the bathroom.
"Do you need to accessorize for your bathroom break?" he asked.
My face was on fire. It was so not the time for him to make fun of me. "I need to check something," I muttered and closed the door behind me.
When I unlocked my phone, I saw that I had missed an entire barrage of messages from Amber ranging from "OMG are you really doing it? Are you ready???" to "Please check in. I’m so worried."
More time had passed than I’d realized. It was past nine-thirty. They’d probably be at the movie theater already, in the concessions line. Liam would get a Fanta and a large popcorn that he would douse with too much seasoning powder. Amber was more of a coca cola slushie sort of gal. I typed out a quick text to tell her that I was fine and what was approximately my millionth ‘thank you’ to her.
There was also a notification from my bank showing that the full transfer had been completed. My stomach dropped for a reason that I couldn’t quite identify. I had expected to feel relief. I’d done what I’d come here to do. Liam and I would be all set. I didn’t even know what to do with that amount of money. But instead of relieved, I felt unsettled. Something wasn’t sitting right with me, even though it had been an amazing experience and seemed to be much better than how Amber had described her first time. And Alex had been nothing short of a gentleman.
It’s not quite over yet, I reminded myself and checked my reflection. I was a mess. If I had resembled a hair commercial before, I now looked like a toddler who’d taken a particularly messy tumble down a particularly high and steep hill.
I left the restroom and glanced at where Alex was still lounging in his full nakedness on the bed before starting to pick up my strewn clothes.
He interrupted my actions by asking, "Where are you going?"
Hmm…I didn’t quite have an answer for that one.
"I don’t know," I said. "I guess I just thought..." that the gig was up and it was time for my walk of shame?
He sat up and watched as I pulled my panties up.
"Were you checking if the cash went through?" he asked.
Startled both by the question and the cold tone in which it was delivered, I managed to trip over my shoes that he’d so carefully tucked out of the way.
"No!" I exclaimed. "I mean, it did. But it’s not like that. My roommate was low-key worried that you might be a serial killer… If that’s any better."
The wall that had risen to mask his emotions cracked as he chuckled.
"No, not a serial killer. You don’t have to rush off, you know."
"Oh, okay." I finished clasping my bra anyway, but went over to sit beside him.
"Hungry yet?" he asked.
My stomach rumbled, as if on command, and I remembered that I hadn’t actually eaten yet today, I nodded and let him pull me back down onto the bed. How odd that he would want to snuggle after our transaction was over. I nestled into the crook of his shoulder, letting a foreign and nonsensical contentment sink through me.
"What do you think," Alex began, "Do you have it in you to go out for dinner? Or should we take advantage of room service?"
"Let’s not kid ourselves," I laughed. "I’ve seen what I look like."
"Hush. You’re gorgeous. Room service it is."
Half an hour later, we had an array of appetizer plates strewn across the bed and some trashy TV show turned on while we chatted. I told him about how I viewed eating food in bed to be a cardinal sin. The thought of having to sleep among the crumbs and remnants made my skin itch. He regaled me with descriptions of his favorite places to travel. He had a definite preference for tropical islands, but he could be happy wherever there was room to string up a hammock and enjoy the sunshine. He admitted to being almost useless in the winter; he felt cooped up by the constant cold and darkness that h
e was constantly fighting unreasonable aggravation. I admitted to having the same problem with summers. The intense heat got under my skin. Oh, and unlike him, I didn’t particularly like beaches. It was the sand. So itchy and persistent.
Even though I was enjoying our casual conversation, and the food was amazing, I did have a constant fear of overstaying my welcome in the back of my head. Around nine o’ clock that evening, I thanked him for the experience, for everything, and left. I doubted that I’d ever see Alex again.
On my way home in another cab, I thought about how friends had described their relationships. It didn’t seem like having sex always brought out the level of comfort, companionship and rightness that I felt with Alex. It was a shame I’d never see him again
Chapter 6
The next morning, I stayed in bed long after I had woken up. It was a Saturday and just a few hours since I’d secured what was probably the biggest payday Liam or I would ever see in our lifetimes. I felt that I deserved to relax. I’d was grateful to have returned to the apartment before Liam and Amber got back from their movie, allowing me to dodge their questions about my ‘date.’ I hadn’t feigned sleep, however, I was both physically and emotionally exhausted after my foray with Alex. I needed a few more minutes of quiet before I returned to my normal life. I could almost pretend that the last few days had never happened – I was sure Alex would, because he’d done this many times.
I stretched out and felt the empty space beside me, remembering the way Alex held me against him and the touches that he trailed along my skin like secret butterfly kisses. Before the warmth that was coiling below my stomach could intensify, I threw the blankets off me to shake away the feeling.
It was time to kick this new life into gear. Step one: get Liam a better place to sleep than the dingy couch we’d gotten off Craigslist for fifty dollars. I made a mental note to approach Amber about the prospect of continuing to live together when Liam and I found a new place. Step two: quit my job. I’d get a real job after I graduated. Right now, I needed to focus on getting me and Liam to graduation. Step three: come up with a story to explain to Liam where all the money had come from that didn’t involve revealing that his big sister was a very expensive – how to describe myself? I might need Amber’s advice on that one.
For now, I should show my face. I threw a sweater on over my pajamas and shuffled into the living room where Amber and Liam were watching some sort of glass-blowing game show.
"Hey sleepyhead." Amber cooed, her eyes bright. "We missed you last night."
"Yeah, the movie was awesome," Liam said through bites of cereal, not bothering to look my way. "Since when do you go on dates?" he asked.
"Since last night, apparently." I replied and perched on the edge of the sofa.
"You’re going to have to tell me everything!" Amber gushed. She was looking pretty in a pink cropped shirt and dark jeans sporting little star decals on the hips.
"Please don’t," Liam commented and turned the TV volume up louder.
Amber and I laughed. There was something comforting about the fact that at fifteen, Liam still acted grossed out by anything romantic. What could I say? Being a late bloomer seemed to be working in my favor as of late.
The wind chime ringtone of my phone sounded and I when I checked who was calling, I nearly chucked the thing across the room. Liam didn’t notice but Amber raised her eyebrows at me.
"It’s him!" I mouthed at her.
"Why?" she mouthed back, pulling an incredulous face.
I half-heartedly threw my hands up in the air before scurrying back to my bedroom and closing the door. My phone rang one more time before I collapsed against the door and answered it, "Hello?"
I definitely sounded frazzled.
"Good morning," Alex greeted me. "How are you?"
Oh goodness, something must be wrong. Does he want a refund or something? Does he have an STD? I should’ve asked for a copy of his most recent test results....
"I’m good. What’s up?" I asked.
Maybe I left something in the hotel room? Or did I need to leave a rating and review on the auction website? Something like "Five stars. Not even a little murder went down"?
He seemed a bit taken aback by my question. "Not much. I had a nice time last night and I was thinking about you, so I figured I’d give you a call."
"Oh," I said. That was unexpected.
"Is that okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, of course it’s okay. I assumed that something was wrong. Now that our night is over, I didn’t think I’d ever hear from you again."
He didn’t say anything, so I continued, "I had fun last night too."
"How was your day?"
I dropped my phone from my ear to check the time. I didn’t want to admit that it was almost two in the afternoon and I was just now rolling out of bed, but I did. He laughed and told me that he hadn’t been productive yet, either.
"I did want to ask you something, Casey."
"Yes?" I asked.
"Well, I’d like to see you again. Are you free this weekend?"
I hesitated, "I don’t know how you mean."
"I mean to ask if you would go on an actual date with me. Are you free at all today?"
My mind flooded with questions and objections. Was this even allowed by the auction site? Were we supposed to "start over," as if last night hadn’t happened? Did he want a relationship with me? If so, why? How could we ‘date’ with the fact that he pays millions of dollars for random girls to fork up their first time hanging between us? Was this normal for him? Did he try to squeeze in an extra bang for his buck with every girl he bought? I didn’t want that. Call it naive, but I didn’t want to be the dinner leftovers he saved for lunch the next day. And I didn’t want to believe that’s what he was thinking, but the concern was still there. And I didn’t know him. But I really liked him. And because I liked him, I wanted to be special. I wanted this request for a date to be a big deal. I wanted to say "no," because I didn’t have any reason to believe it was. I should say "no" and never speak to him again. Say "no" and get on with my three-step plan to restart my life.
"I’m free today." is what I said instead.
"Wonderful. I’ll text you the address of a restaurant that I think you’ll like," he said. I may have imagined him sigh a breath of relief.
I hung up the call and sank to the floor. Why was I complicating things? You’re supposed to close one door before opening the next, right? So why couldn’t I do just that? Everything said that this was a bad idea. In fact, it was an even worse idea than the hair-brained plan to post myself on that auction website. No offense to Amber. And I didn’t regret it, but this was a whole other can of worms.
I’d never been in love before. Even though I knew about as much of what to expect of falling in love as I had what my first time having sex before last night, I knew that it was messy. I knew that Alex and I both had a substantial amount of skepticism and personal baggage. And I knew that even after such a brief period of time, that I liked Alex enough that I could see those feelings developing into something more.
On the other hand… What if I never felt this way about another person again? Then what? Then I had a bunch of money, a little brother to take care of for at least three years. Seven if he decided to go to college. There was Amber, my best and only friend. But she was gorgeous and wonderful and always chasing after the big L-word. Even if I could convince her to move in with me and Liam, it was only a matter of time until someone stole her heart and whisked away to start a new life.
What if someone with as much baggage as I had was what I actually needed. A person who was as wary of being let down by others as I was. I thought about Amber’s emergency vodka story and the guy who’d broken up with her because of her "trauma." Maybe two people with trauma needed each other to feel understood and to grow? Alex and I knew so little about each other, it was impossible to say.
I reopened the door to be met with Amber’s surprised expression.
"Were you trying to listen to me think?" I asked.
She shrugged her tiny shoulders. "You never know if telepathy is a latent gene."
I pulled her in for a hug, which she returned, and said "I need you to tell me that I’m not messing up my life."
This time, we sat on my bed as I recounted the night’s events. Amber periodically interrupted to ask for more details.
"Do you think he gave you his real name? Isn’t he worried about potential blackmail?" she asked.
I hadn’t even thought about that.
"Did he ever order that bottle of wine?"
Actually, he hadn’t. We hadn’t had anything to drink after we went upstairs to the hotel room.
"How much older is he, actually?"
I couldn’t be sure, he was very age-ambiguous. But I had to guess at least ten years older.
"Does that bother you?"
It didn’t.
"Was he good in bed?"
I didn’t have any frame of reference by which to compare him, but a definite yes.
"Are you prepared for if it turns out badly? Like, if he’s still just using you..."
I told her that I hoped so, but I wasn’t sure how to prepare for that without giving him a shot.
Amber looked at me for a long time, a gentle frown on her lips.
"Well, Casey-bear," She said. "You probably are walking right into a big mess."
I groaned and fell backwards onto the bed, making the spring mattress squeal.
"But," she continued, "even if this does go tits-up, you still have the money. It’s legally yours. It may be an awkward Pretty Woman moment for a while but if he tries to hold that over you, you can block his number. You know? It’s a big city. You don’t ever have to see him again if you decide that you don’t want to. Don’t tell him where you live until you’re sure."
Scrunching my nose up, I worried the hem of my tank top as I took in her advice.
"Also, please tell me that you’ll be spending some of your virginity fortune on a new bed. This one screams ‘tetanus,’" Amber added when I didn’t say anything else.
