by Joey W. Hill
If she was even now berating herself for reacting like that, he'd feel even more like shit. He'd tried to make sure she'd feel no shame about it, but she'd shot down his comment about her being beautiful and perfect as the lame bullshit it was. If she could only see and feel what happened inside him--heart, head, cock and soul--when she looked at him as her Dom, she wouldn't feel any dismay. Hell, she'd probably have a valid reason to gloat, because he'd never reacted so strongly to a sub. But he hadn't shown her that, had he?
Some, but not enough. He had to figure this out. Either be all in or all out, but not this limbo state, which confused her and made him want to tear his heart out and hand it to her.
"Geoff, I apologize if I'm being presumptuous," Madison said, "but I think maybe you have some questions that Logan can answer better than I can. He mentors other Doms. I'm going to leave you two to talk. If that's okay with you?"
She looked toward Logan then, with an expression that said she hoped she hadn't been presumptuous toward him, either. Geoff knew a lot of people in the lifestyle were pretty careful about their identities. Either Logan didn't need to do that, or Madison and he already had enough of a rapport that she'd known he'd be okay with this.
"I'm here to help you with whatever you need, Madison," Logan said. "You know that."
That resulted in a deeper flush. Geoff had no interest in any woman other than Sam, but as a man and a Dom, he could definitely appreciate that lovely reaction. Geoff deduced that she wasn't entirely comfortable with her responses to Logan yet, because she made a noncommittal noise and then hurried out, leaving Geoff with a cordial nod and warm smile. "Come by before you leave and get a cookie," she said. "I made peanut butter blossoms. You can take a couple home for Sam and Chris. Maybe a half dozen for Chris."
Geoff turned back to Logan as the man bumped a Van Halen tune on his radio down a few notches. "She took me by surprise," Geoff admitted. "I'm not sure if I should be talking about this, or what I should be saying."
Logan picked up the finish and brush again, squatting on his heels next to the bench. "Don't have to say anything, son," he said comfortably. "Not if you don't want to. But if she thought you looked like you had questions I could answer, she's probably right. She's starting to get a good sense of what her customers need. Are you new to exploring the Dom side?"
He didn't sound derogatory, just matter-of-fact. "Seems like I've always felt like that's what I wanted . . . what I am," Geoff said slowly. "But I've never really pursued it too much. School and work haven't left a lot of time until recently. I've gone to a few clubs and parties and hooked up with one or two subs there for sessions, to get a feel for it, but nothing turned into an ongoing thing." Nothing that resulted in even a tenth of the response he had when Sam merely called him sir.
"So tell me what the questions are and we'll figure it out from there." When Logan gestured at a stool, Geoff slid a hip onto it. What the hell. He found himself explaining in fits and starts, where it had begun and where it was now. Logan asked a few directed questions that helped him focus. Once he felt more comfortable, Geoff laid it out like he did a case, with all the necessary information. Only since he was far more personally connected to this, he found himself correcting himself, backtracking and figuring out things as he went along, in a way he usually didn't have to do for work.
He sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "I've always known she's a sub. God, it's like living with the biggest temptation in the world. But as long as she didn't hit on it directly, I thought it was better to keep it under wraps, so as not to force it with her. She brought us to Naughty Bits, though, and since then . . . she's starting to get pretty direct about it."
"So what's holding you back with her, if it's obvious she's a sub? Is it Chris? He wants her for himself and you don't want to trample the friendship?"
Geoff shook his head. "I think we were both worried she would want to make a choice, but she's made it clear that's not a problem." He had no idea how that amazing truth would play out. But it also wasn't the only important reason why neither of them had moved on it. "We met her under difficult circumstances. She had this guy giving her a hard time. We asked her to move in with us to protect her."
"So you see yourself as her protector. It's hard to transition from there to wanting to leave marks on her skin and make her cry. In the right way."
Geoff lifted his head. To hear it said straight out like that, with no sense of shame, was almost a revelation, a reassuring one. He searched Logan's expression for condemnation, and saw none. The man bent back to his task.
"Say you have Sam tied up and you're spanking her," he said casually. "You can tell she's wanting it rougher, harder. What's your first reaction?"
Damn, the guy didn't mince around. For some weird reason, Geoff didn't want him saying Sam's name, as if somehow that exposed her to another man in a way he didn't like. On the other hand, having the opportunity to talk about it so directly, with a guy putting off vibes that said he knew what being a Master was all about, brought a relief stronger than Geoff had expected to feel.
"It's all right, son." Logan's gaze met his. "We were all new at this at one time. You seeking help and guidance about it, to work through your feelings and figure it out, is the right thing to do. And I have nothing but respect for another Dom's sub, so even if I talk about her in an intimate way, it's not to get overly familiar about her. I'm just helping you figure out what you want. So what's your reaction, if she wants things rougher, harder?"
Some people were good at putting out the authoritative, knowledgeable vibes, even when they didn't know shit. As a lawyer, Geoff knew all about high-level bullshitting. He wasn't getting that vibe from Logan. So he answered his question.
"To give her that. But how do I know that's her wanting it and not something inside of me, wanting to give her that even if she doesn't really understand what it means?"
"Would you ever hurt Sam?"
"No. Of course not."
"Would you like to spank her?"
Christ, he'd loved it. And damn, the guy could read faces too well. "Okay, you've already been there," Logan said. "Good. But a spanking can hurt, right?"
"That's different."
"Yeah, it is. Did she get excited by it?"
"Yes. It made me want to do it more."
"Until she's bruised and bleeding and she's afraid of you, begging you to stop?"
"No." He recoiled. "Christ no. I'd kill anyone who'd treat her like that."
Logan's brown eyes glowed with approval. "See? There's a difference. To someone who's never had these inclinations, they might not see a difference. But you do. And she does. That's all that matters."
Logan put aside the can of finish and leaned against his workbench, crossing his arms over his broad chest. "Geoff, you know the reason BDSM gets such a bad rep? It's extremely hard to explain in a politically correct way just how intense and right a healthy power exchange feels to the people involved in it. I expect Sam is a pretty independent woman. She's not looking for someone to wipe her ass and forbid her from pursuing her career, having friends and being an accomplished individual."
"Wow. No. She'd hit you for even suggesting it."
"Right. So how does that kind of woman say, 'I fantasize about having the man I love restrain me so I can't move, because when he does that, I feel helpless, like I have no choice but to relinquish control to him.' Which in turn can get her so aroused that she wants you to do all sorts of things to her when she's helpless. Not just spank her, but mark her with a whip, with a strike brand, with a violet wand, with your teeth. Maybe she even wants you to treat her like your property in a scene, like she has to ask your permission to even breathe. Everything that's the exact opposite of what she embraces in her day-to-day life."
Geoff realized he'd gone still, all his muscles tense. Logan's gaze rested on him, his expression saying he understood all too well the feelings rolling through him. "And while you're doing all that, you're also wanting to hold and kiss her, t
alk to her, show her in every damn way possible just how much you cherish her. The two go together. Your urge to dominate, to control and care for her, is as strong as her desire to submit, to trust you to take her for a journey, keep her flying, but make her yours as well."
Geoff could imagine it, so vividly he was afraid he was going to embarrass himself by getting an erection here and now.
"Not going to see that written up in Modern Woman magazine anytime soon, right?" Logan continued, his eyes glinting. "But a world scared of its own shadow won't take a close look at what's really going on there. They won't realize it can be a healthy, damn near spiritual form of sexual expression to people who enjoy or need it. If I hit your girl or hurt her feelings, made her cry, what would you do?"
"I'd kill you."
Logan's lips curved. "Yeah, it's automatic, isn't it? You'd protect her from the wrong kind of harm with everything you are. What you do in session is different. You flog her until she cries, and yet she's not calling out a safe word. You put your hand between her legs and find she's seconds away from climaxing like she's never climaxed before. What does that tell you?"
"That kind of pain releases other emotions, good ones."
"Yeah. Women have a different relationship with crying than we do. They have a hundred different languages when it comes to tears."
Geoff tightened his jaw. "I should have sought more guidance earlier. I didn't connect with anyone at the clubs or parties and, since it seemed too difficult to get into the right space with anyone, I was worried that if I pursued it with Sam . . . Sam really matters. But she's set things in motion."
"You want to make her happy." Logan grinned. "Selfless guy that you are."
Geoff found himself grinning back. He also experienced a guilty twinge, because he'd second-guessed her on the damn date thing, assuming he knew better than her what was best for her. Wow. Talk about being an arrogant asshole. And on top of that, it wasn't him being selfless. He'd been pissed at the idea of her dating another guy and had gone with a knee-jerk reaction. Which meant now he'd have to honor it and let her go through with it, even though he'd much rather ask for a do-over on that bad judgment call.
He glanced at his watch regretfully and extended his hand. "I've got to get back. Would it be okay if I needed to talk again?"
"Absolutely." Logan clasped his hand. "I encourage you to do so. If you decide you want to join the local BDSM group, I do demos at a lot of their events, and you'll find other experienced Doms there, men and women. Any one of them worth anything is willing to answer questions from a Dom learning his path."
Logan paused. "That's something else I want to mention. You're a natural Dom. And since Sam is a natural submissive, she picked up on it. But instincts are one thing; experience is another. If you don't want to hurt her, don't do this half-assed. If you decide to do anything with her more than the light stuff like spanking, make sure you understand the risks."
Turning to open the drawer of the bench, Logan withdrew a sheet of paper off a short stack of them. "Here's the handout I give out at my demos. It has some good sources and BDSM 101 safety-type stuff, some of the most common bullet points. You may already know some of it, maybe not. Better to hear it twice than not at all."
He grimaced. "It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking we have to act like we know what we're doing when we don't. Sam has to learn to be your partner in that, and that's not always easy for someone with a submissive nature. Best way to help a sub to do that is to set up the opportunity, give her a structure. For instance, make her talk over a scene with you before and after. Command her to give you feedback. That tells her she's not topping; she's just communicating and helping you honor the priority that's above every other priority, even your pride. You know what it is already."
"To keep her safe. To protect her."
Logan nodded, satisfied. "And to love her. Don't forget that one, because sometimes when you're new at this, you talk yourself out of stuff, thinking somehow you're protecting her when what you're doing is depriving you both of a journey of discovery together. She may be your submissive, but in your case, she's also your lover. You're not alone in this."
"When she let me spank her . . . I thought, I could get lost in this, never stop, never want to stop. And then I thought, I might get carried away and really hurt her, emotionally or physically. Or do something that makes her afraid of me."
It was the first time he'd said it aloud, which told Geoff that Logan was right. He didn't like being seen as anything less than cocksure in front of the woman he loved. He supposed that didn't differ from how most men felt in front of their women, but if he wanted to explore the Dom/sub stuff with her, he was going to have to get past that. Having a restaurant reject a credit card during a romantic dinner was a far cry from a misstep during a BDSM session where Sam's emotional and physical well-being was entirely in his hands. "I don't want to harm her, not for anything in the world."
She was so important. But it was more than that. She and Chris . . . he wasn't sure what he would be without them. That was the part he couldn't talk about with Logan, that kept eating at him when he got close to what Sam wanted, to what they both wanted. What if he screwed up and lost her? Chris loved Sam with all his heart and soul. Geoff would lose them both.
"So don't," Logan said placidly. His shrewd gaze was watching Geoff's face in a way that told Geoff he might be picking up on some of those deeper issues. "You seem like a careful guy to me. You'll find the balance together. You're going to be fine, son."
Logan picked up his stain brush once more. "I'm here every day except Monday, and the occasional weekend day off when I trust Troy to run the place. Call the store if you need a quick question answered or if you want to drop by for a face-to-face. If it's urgent and I'm not here, Troy will give you my cell."
"You should charge for this."
Logan shook his head, smiled. "It's a pay-it-forward thing. Someone did it for me, so I do it for others. When you gain experience, you'll run into someone who needs guidance, too. It's how the Wheel works. That's what Alice used to say, the woman who ran Naughty Bits before Madison. Capital W for Wheel. She was one of those new age, crunchy-granola hippie types." Logan winked. "I teased her about that, but she was a smart woman. A lot like her sister."
"Sam's smart, too. Smarter than me, when it comes to emotions and things like that. Maybe that's why I keep hesitating."
"Her being smarter than you is actually a pretty good thing. Trust me on that." Logan offered him another grin, a look of man-to-man wisdom. "The fascinating thing about women, especially submissives, is how they'll make themselves vulnerable in a manner that opens us up the same way. It lets us see a little clearer the things we want and truly need."
Geoff had other questions and thoughts, but he had more than enough to digest for now. "Thanks," he said, and meant it. "I'm going to pick up a few things in your store before I go."
Normally he'd buy from the lower-priced stock in a Lowe's or Home Depot, but he doubted he'd have gotten this kind of Dom-to-Dom advice there. Though it might have been interesting to see how they'd page someone for that. Attention, Dom advice needed in Electrical, aisle 11. Customer waiting.
Amusement crossed Logan's face. "Appreciate that, sir. I know you've got to get back to work, so ask Troy to show you some of the more popular items for our Dom visitors. He's a submissive with a very demanding Mistress, so he's fully informed on the lifestyle."
Geoff had been thinking about functional household items, like a four-foot aluminum stepladder for the kitchen. Sam had a harrowing habit of clambering from a chair onto the granite countertop to reach the cookbooks they kept over the cabinets. They also needed some lightbulbs and a switch plate to replace the cracked one in the garage, but Logan's comment had intrigued him. He'd looked at the possibilities in hardware stores before and imagined, but never bought for that purpose.
As he stepped out of the back room, he emerged on the fastener and rope aisle, which he could on
ly interpret as the hand of fate. He texted Sarah that he'd be about a half hour longer, his gaze coursing over the different types of rope. Nylon, twine, cotton. D-hooks, connectors.
"Can I help you find anything, sir?"
Troy had reappeared at his elbow. Along with the compelling physique, he had hair like golden beach sand and direct Carolina sky-blue eyes. Geoff expected Logan had straight women and gay men who stopped by just for the pleasure of looking at him. Geoff appreciated such features. He certainly appreciated Chris's physique often enough, even though he kept that tamped down almost as well as he'd restrained himself from pursuing Sam's submissive nature. Until now.
Maybe both of those things were about to change, though he had no idea how Chris would react to the Dom/sub stuff. He'd definitely seen Chris checking out his ass on occasion, but that was a far cry from wanting to be topped. As far as he knew, Chris had never sought out male company for sex, so even that was a bit of an unknown.
His lips tugged up ruefully. Maybe Sam was right, that it was best to deal with one person at a time and work from there. Still, Geoff took a second, harder look at Troy. He was a submissive who belonged to a Mistress, but it wasn't obvious, was it? Of course, he of all people shouldn't be making assumptions about what a male sub did and didn't act like.
Chris was in no way as obviously submissive as Sam, but that Make me challenge had sent a charge to Geoff's Dom-dar. Maybe women were easier to recognize as submissives, because so often it was more acceptable for them to take a submissive role with a man. But Geoff had seen men at the private parties or in clubs who wanted the full subjugation treatment, following their high-heeled Mistresses around on hands and knees with a collar and leash attached to their dicks. Humiliation could be a fetish, and he didn't pass judgment on it. But he couldn't see Chris doing that and, when he thought of doing it to Sam or Chris, he knew it wasn't his thing, either.
