by Lucy Adams
“You do not wish to hear what I have to say about the ribbons?”
Pasting a smile on her face, Merry gave a small shrug. “I have some matters of my own to sort out, Titania.”
“But the ribbons!” Titania exclaimed, as though this was, at present, the most important thing. “Surely you cannot–”
“Do leave Merry alone,” Catherine replied suddenly, throwing Merry a quick glance before frowning at Titania. “She has matters of her own, as she has said.” She gave Merry a quick smile. “Has Mama got more gowns for you to try?”
Merry, grateful for Catherine’s help, lifted her shoulder. “You know that Mama is doing her very best to have me noticed by the gentlemen of the ton, as much as I do not wish it,” she replied quickly. “Therefore, I have very little choice now but to go along with what she requests. Especially since, despite my pleas, it has been decided that I have lost the wager!” She shot a dark glance towards Titania, who held her chin up defiantly.
“Lord Whitaker seemed to be very attentive last evening, I thought,” Catherine said quietly, looking at Merry with no discernable expression on her face. Perhaps she wanted to gauge Merry’s reaction before she said any more. “What did you think of him?”
Merry did not immediately reply, thinking quickly about what she wanted to say. The truth was, she had found Lord Whitaker pleasant enough but had been irritated by how he had practically marched her away from Lord Weston. On top of that came a stab of guilt over her own behavior, thinking that she had behaved rather poorly towards Lord Weston and had, mayhap, jumped to the incorrect conclusion about what he had been trying to say.
“Merry?”
This time, it was Titania who held her gaze, a flicker of interest in her eyes.
“I thought Lord Whitaker most amiable,” Merry replied calmly, tugging herself out of her thoughts. “But that is all I thought.”
Titania slumped back into her chair and rolled her eyes. “You shall never find a gentleman good enough for you if you do not allow yourself to admit when you have been quite flattered by a gentleman’s presence or manner towards you, Merry,” she said, as though Merry were deliberately hiding the truth from her. “Lord Whitaker is a viscount, is he not?” Seeing Merry’s nod, she spread her hands. “Then what can be wrong with admitting that you found him charming, amenable, genteel, kind, considerate and, mayhap, handsome?”
Merry planted her hands on her hips, feeling a flicker of anger in her chest. “May I remind you, Titania, that I am not the kind of young lady who falls at the very first gentleman’s feet when they deign themselves to show me even the smallest flicker of interest.”
A hard laugh came from Titania’s lips. “I think we are aware of that, Merry. If that had been so, then you would have reached out for Lord Weston’s attentions at the first, long before Lord Whitaker showed you consideration!”
Silence flooded the room. Titania’s laugh died away although the harsh jangling it had brought to Merry’s ears remained. Titania herself continued to try to smile, only for it to begin to fade as she received angry glances from not only Merry but from Catherine also.
Merry’s throat ached, a dull pain settling in her chest. Her sister was being both irritating and insensitive with her harsh words, and it was this that brought such pain to Merry’s heart. Had not Merry supported her when she had spoken to their mother about her disdain for Lord Weston? Why now had she seemingly turned against her?
“He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty.”
Merry closed her eyes, feeling her spirit rebel against Dinah’s softly spoken words. She wanted to rail at Titania, wanted to give full vent to her rage, but instead the Bible verse began to make its way into her heart, and it settled there.
“I am sorry, Merry.”
Surprised, Merry looked to Titania, whose face was now a deep shade of scarlet.
“I spoke hastily,” she continued quickly. “I know that Lord Weston offended you greatly, and I should not have referred to him.” She looked at her with concern in her eyes. “It is only that I seek for you to find the same happiness that I have done, in the hope that it might bring you the freedom you desire.”
Freedom?
Merry’s stomach twisted. How had Titania known that she sought such a thing? It was the freedom that would come with being allowed to live as she wished, whether it be in beautiful gowns or the drabbest of garbs, just as long as she knew she was loved by another who cared naught for what she wore. To have a gentleman care for her character instead of her hair or her gown or her figure: was such a thing ever to truly be grasped?
“Thank you for your apology,” she replied tightly, not wanting to allow Titania, Catherine, or Dinah to see that Titania’s words had left a mark upon her heart. “Perhaps we might talk about ribbons another time. Do excuse me.”
She left before any of her sisters or cousin could say anything more to her, wanting to bring an end to the conversation. Her heart was clenched with pain, making her almost double over as she quit the room. Pausing for a long moment, she dragged in air until the pain left her, closing her eyes tightly so as to stem the tears that came quickly. Titania had apologized, and she had accepted it. There was no need to think of it any longer. She would continue to do as she had always done – keep her feelings and struggles within her heart and not allow any other to see them.
“Merry, my dear! Whatever is the matter?”
Her mother bore down on her all at once, having appeared at the top of the staircase and seeing Merry bent over.
“I-I am quite all right, Mama,” Merry assured her, one hand placed against her heart as she tried to smile. “It is just that I–”
To her horror, as she tried to finish speaking, tears began to pour from her eyes and splash onto her cheeks. She stared up, aghast, at Lady Whitehaven, seeing her mother’s concerned expression and feeling as though she could do nothing to prevent herself from weeping all the more.
“I am truly worried for you, my dear,” her mother said, her arm wrapped around Merry’s shoulders as she drew her away from the door and began to walk with her towards the library. “What is it that troubles you so?”
Merry blinked rapidly, her tears finally abating as she walked into the library. “I am quite all right, Mama.”
“No, you are not,” Lady Whitehaven replied firmly, “and I am not about to let you pretend that there is nothing wrong, Merry. I know that you are vastly experienced when it comes to hiding all that you feel from everyone but yourself, but in this matter, I will not allow you to do so now. This Season has been an entirely new experience for you, has it not? Therefore, there must be a great deal of emotion that floods you, and I must insist that you share it with me.” Sitting down, she gestured for Merry to take the seat opposite her and, having very little choice but to do so, Merry opened her mouth but did not begin to speak.
“Now,” Lady Whitehaven began, gesturing towards Merry. “Begin.”
Merry opened her mouth to again to insist that she was perfectly well, only to see the flash of her mother’s eyes and the thin tug of her lips and to realize that she would not be able to escape from it this time.
“I-I have been considering my own behavior as regards a certain gentleman,” she admitted slowly, seeing her mother’s shoulders begin to drop in evident relief that Merry was beginning to speak to her honestly. “I have been deep in thought in fact, to the point that I was distracted from what Titania was speaking of – ribbons and the like – and so made to quit the room. Titania and I had something of a spat, but it is at an end now.” She managed a watery smile, although her mother began to frown. “It has been put right, Mama, that is all. You need have no concern for me.”
Lady Whitehaven shook her head. “That does not explain why you were so deeply upset, Merry. What is it about your behavior that concerns you so?”
Merry hesitated, pressing her lips together as she tried to explain what she had been thinking and feeling. How could she tell her mother abou
t Lord Weston when she had been so determined to set herself against him?
“Merry.”
Her mother’s voice was low, her eyes narrowing slightly, and Merry knew there was no escape from this now. Heaving a sigh, she shook her head.
“It is to do with Lord Weston,” she admitted, seeing her mother’s brows lift in surprise.
“Not, then, Lord Whitaker?”
Closing her eyes, Merry let out another breath. “I will admit that Lord Whitaker was most attentive at the ball,” she replied, opening her eyes to see her mother nod slowly. “However, at one point, he behaved in a manner that did not allow me to speak nor act in the way that I wished, and I have found myself troubled with that.”
Lady Whitehaven said nothing, sitting back in her chair and continuing to watch Merry.
“As regards Lord Weston,” Merry continued, finding it easier to speak with every word that was said. “I confess that it is my own behavior towards him that has been weighing on my mind.”
“In what way?” Lady Whitehaven inquired, her expression alive with interest. “You were not inappropriate or ill mannered, I hope?”
“Of course I was not,” Merry replied at once. “But I will admit that something Lord Weston said angered me, and I responded harshly. It was only some moments later that I realized I might have been incorrect with what I thought and that he could have been, in fact, seeking to compliment and encourage me.”
Lady Whitehaven’s expression changed to one of mild surprise. “Indeed.”
“But by then, it was much too late,” Merry finished hopelessly. “And having reflected upon what I did and said, I must admit that I was irritated in seeing Lord Weston walk with Lady Reid.”
Lady Whitehaven drew in a breath. “I saw that also,” she replied with a small smile. “And I found myself relieved that you had set your mind against Lord Weston, for it appears to me that his company is sought after by almost every lady in the ton.”
“Save for me,” Merry replied heavily.
Lady Whitehaven chuckled softly. “Yes, that is so,” she admitted quietly. “I meant only to encourage you—that you were not the only one who reacted in a certain way upon seeing Lady Reid with Lord Weston.” She shook her head. “Lady Reid’s reputation is well known.”
Merry nodded but said nothing. What was troubling her most of all was the sheer depth of feeling that had crashed over her when she had first glanced Lord Weston and Lady Reid. Disappointment, sadness, grief, anger, and frustration had washed through her, one after the other, until she had barely any breath left in her lungs. Of course, she had no reason to feel such things because it was quite right for a gentleman to walk with a lady through a ballroom and, as such, did not signify a great deal. Why she had felt so strongly, Merry still did not know, and it troubled her still.
“Lord Weston did appear to want to begin his acquaintance with you anew however,” Lady Whitehaven continued gently, looking keenly into Merry’s eyes. “Does that mean that you thought he might wish to pursue you in some way?”
“No, indeed I did not!” Merry exclaimed at once, going hot all over as her mother’s eyes pierced her very heart. “No, I cannot say that I did, Mama.”
Lady Whitehaven hesitated for a moment, then shrugged delicately. “Then if it is only your behavior that concerns you, all you need do is seek Lord Weston out and apologize to him. Then the matter should be freed from your conscience and you can continue on as you are, particularly if Lord Whitaker is eager to pursue you.”
But what if I do not want him to pursue me?
It did not make sense. She should be glad that Lord Whitaker seemed to be interested in her. He had not simply glanced at her, made her acquaintance, asked her to dance, and then left her side only to return when his dance was due. Instead, he had remained and spoken to her at length, asking her about her family, her late father, her interests and the like. He had appeared quite interested in her responses, and for that, she should have been glad. However, all she had been able to think of was Lord Weston and how rudely she had spoken to him. The look on his face as Lord Whitaker had taken her away from his company continued to linger in her mind, making her head heavy and sore.
“I should like to see Lord Whitaker’s reaction should I dress as I usually do, Mama,” she said slowly, looking up to see her mother frown. “I must be convinced that he is interested in who I am rather than how I appear. I know that I do not have a great deal of beauty, but even that–”
“Do as you wish, Merry.”
Her mother’s response surprised Merry entirely, for she had fully expected Lady Whitehaven to refuse to even consider the idea.
“If it will ease your mind and your heart, then you must do as you think fit,” Lady Whitehaven continued. “Although I will insist that you continue to dress fittingly for the social occasions we attend in the evenings. Should Lord Whitaker wish to call upon you, then you may dress as you please. Does that satisfy you?”
Merry nodded, her fingers lacing together as a tight knot of tension settled in her stomach. “It does, Mama.”
“And Lord Weston?”
His dejected face lingered in her thoughts, her heart sinking like a stone all over again. “I shall speak to him, Mama,” she agreed, already going hot all over at the thought of doing so. “I shall admit to my mistake and apologize for it, in the hope that my mind will be freed of all the guilt that I feel.”
Lady Whitehaven nodded. “Very good, Merry. You have a determination about you that I find quite pleasing.” Her smile faded as she continued to regard her daughter. “However, I do wish that you would not keep such emotions to yourself. It is something of a pain for me to see you go through so much alone. You know that I am always ready to listen to you and should never betray an intimacy.”
Merry felt her tears return, but this time she managed to hold them back. “I am aware of that, Mama,” she replied, knowing in her heart that even though her mother had been absolutely determined and stubborn at times, she had done it out of concern for Merry. “I shall consider speaking to you about matters of the heart,” she promised, unable to force herself to do so. “It is not something I am accustomed to, but I will admit that speaking to you as I have done now has been something of a relief.”
Lady Whitehaven’s smile returned. “I am very glad to hear you say so, my dear,” she replied gently. “No more hidden tears, my dear girl. You shall find happiness in the end. I am quite certain of it.”
Chapter Nine
“Is that so?”
For whatever reason, Lady Reid’s usually sparkling conversation held no interest for Thomas today. She had accepted his invitation to take a short walk through Hyde Park, which he had arranged for the fashionable hour, but much to his dismay, Thomas felt no pleasure in her company. It was most disconcerting.
“You are rather quiet today, Lord Weston.”
Thomas cleared his throat and gave her a quick, apologetic look. In the sunlight, Lady Reid looked more like an angel than a mere lady of London, her parasol held carefully so that she would not have even a momentary flicker of sunlight on her face.
“I do apologize, Lady Reid,” he replied, quickly coming up with an excuse. “It is just that I find myself delighting in your company and in listening to what you have to say.”
Lady Reid smiled delicately, although there was no particular warmth in her eyes. “I have been flattered a great deal in my life, Lord Weston,” she murmured. “I do not always accept the compliments given to me, especially if I think they are being used as an excuse for a gentleman to hide behind.”
Thomas blinked and tried his best to look astonished. “I assure you, Lady Reid, it is only that I am overcome with the joy of your company,” he replied, as earnestly as he could. “Surely you must be aware of the gravitas and importance that surrounds you? A gentleman catches the eye of every single gentleman and lady of the ton when he walks with you. I shall be the envy of almost every gentleman we pass, I am quite certain.”
/> This seemed to satisfy Lady Reid, for her eyes glowed with pleasure. “I believe you will be the envy of every gentleman, Lord Weston,” she told him calmly, turning her face back to the path they walked together. “For I have never had a gentleman refuse me a single request before. Not even one who stated he was completely overcome with love for his betrothed.”
This did not bring a smile to Thomas’s face. Instead, his stomach turned over on itself, his heart squeezing painfully as his lips curved into a disdainful grimace. He found no pleasure in what Lady Reid had said, even though he had once boasted the very same thing. That was why he had been so caught up with Miss Wells, was it not? She had refused to step out onto the dance floor with him and, as such, he had found himself angry and confused over her refusal, for it had been the first he had ever encountered. He had been proud that no lady had ever rejected him, had never once turned away from his requests, and yet, now that Lady Reid stated almost the very same thing, he felt disdain for her in a way he had not expected. Guilt stained his heart, making his expression twist all the more. He had no right to think badly of her, not when he was of the very same ilk.
It was all most unsettling. What was becoming of him? Why had he reacted in such a way as this?
“You would not even consider refusing me anything, I think.”
Lady Reid lifted her blue eyes to his, capturing his attention in a moment.
“No, indeed I would not,” Thomas replied firmly, even though his mind was clamoring for him to say something entirely different. “I am aware of just how luck has blessed me with your company, Lady Reid. You cannot imagine just how grateful I am.”
She laughed delicately, drawing the attention of some of the beau monde nearby. Looking up at him, she gave him a long glance, which warmed Thomas’s heart somewhat and chased away his other, more confusing thoughts. Of course, he would give Lady Reid whatever she asked for, just so long as she did not expect him to fall in love with her or seek matrimony. He still had no intention of allowing himself to feel any such emotion and certainly did not want to take a wife!
