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He lay where Id dropped him. Hed managed to reach a sitting position, one hand behind him for support, the other raised to rub his throat. His mouth was open and he was trying to say something but he couldnt get words out, not after the way Id throttled him.
Here he was, mute in a suddenly silent world. While he puzzled over this I ran at him and kicked him in the side, just below the ribs. He went sprawling. I let him get up onto his hands and knees and then I kicked him again, under the right shoulder, and he fell down and stayed down.
I wanted to kill him. I wanted to pound his face into the pavement, I wanted to flatten his nose and smash his teeth. The wanting was physical, in my arms, in my legs. I stood over him, daring him to move, and he managed to raise himself a few inches and turn his face toward me. I looked at his face and drew my foot back to kick it in.
And stopped myself.
I dont know where I found the strength, but I wrapped one hand around his belt and bunched the other in the protruding hood of his sweatshirt and yanked him to his feet. "Now get out of here," I said, "or Ill kill you. I swear Ill fucking kill you. "
I gave him a shove. He swayed and almost fell but got his balance and managed to stay on his feet. He took a few shuffling steps in the direction I had him pointed, turned his head, looked at me, turned again, and kept on going. He wasnt running, but neither was he taking his sweet time.
I watched him round the bend in the path, then turned back to the scene of the crime. His magnificent radio lay in pieces over several square yards of Central Park. Earlier Id carried a cardboard coffee container for blocks to avoid littering, and now look what a mess Id made.
The woman was still on the bench. Our eyes met, and hers went very wide. She looked at me as though I were far more of a danger than the creature Id just rousted. When I took a step in her direction she swung the book up in front of her, as if it were a cross and I a vampire. On its cover, an alien with a triangular head gazed at me with almond-shaped eyes.
I smiled ferociously at her. "Its nothing to worry about," I told her. "Thats the way we handle things on Mars. "
Jesus, it felt great. I got all the way to Columbus Circle, carried along on adrenaline, riding the wave with my blood singing in my veins.
Then the rush wore off and I felt like an asshole.
And a lucky one at that. Fate had smiled at me, handing me the perfect adversary, someone bigger and younger and even more of a lout than I. It had filled me with righteous anger, always the best kind, and it had even furnished a maiden whose honor I could defend.
Wonderful. Id almost killed the kid. Id beaten him up good, launching what the courts would have rightly called an unprovoked assault. I might very well have done some real damage to him, and Id run the risk of killing him. I could have crushed his windpipe, or ruptured internal organs when I kicked him. If a cop had witnessed the incident Id be on my way downtown now. Id wind up in jail, and Id deserve to be there.
I still couldnt work up much sympathy for the kid with the flattop. He was by all objective standards a first-rate son of a bitch, and if he came out of this with a sore throat and a bruised liver he wasnt getting a whole lot more than he had coming. But who appointed me the avenging angel? His behavior was none of my business, and neither was his punishment.
Our Lady of the Swollen Ankles hadnt needed me to defend her. If shed had enough of an aversion to heavy metal she could have bestirred herself and waddled away. And so could I.
Face it- Id done a number on him because I couldnt get anyplace with Motley. I couldnt stop his taunting, so I silenced the kids radio instead. I couldnt win when I was face-to-face with him on Attorney Street, so I evened things up by putting the boot to the kid. I was powerless over what mattered, so I made up for it by demonstrating power over what didnt matter.
Worst of all, Id known better. The rage that had empowered me had not been quite strong enough to shut out the little voice in my head that told me to cut the shit and act like a grown-up. Id heard the voice, just as Id heard it before when it counseled against buying the booze. There are people who never hear their own inner voices, and maybe they cant honestly help the things they do in life, but Id heard it loud and clear and told it to shut the fuck up.
Id caught myself just in time. I hadnt taken the drink, and I hadnt kicked the kids head in, but if those were victories they struck me as small ones.
I didnt feel very proud of myself.
* * *
I called Elaine from the hotel. She had nothing to report and neither did I, and we didnt stay on the phone long. I went into the bathroom to shave. My face had recovered enough so that I felt I could use a disposable razor instead of the electric thing. I shaved carefully and didnt nick myself.
Throughout it I was aware of the smell of alcohol wafting up from the drain. I dont think it was real, I dont see how it could have been, but I smelled it all the same.
I was patting my face dry when the phone rang. It was Danny Boy Bell.
"Theres somebody you ought to talk to," he said. "You free around twelve, one oclock?"
"I can be. "
"Come up to Mother Goose, Matthew. You know where that is?"
"Amsterdam, I think you said. "
"Amsterdam Avenue and Eighty-first Street. Three doors up from the corner, east side of the avenue. Some nice soft music, do you good to listen to it. "
"No heavy metal?"
"What a nasty thought. Shall we say twelve-thirty? Ask for my table. "
"All right. "
"And Matthew? Youll want to bring money. "
I stayed in my room and watched the news, then went out for dinner. I had the urge for hot food, and it was the first real appetite Id felt since the ambush on Attorney Street, so I wanted to indulge it. I was halfway to the Thai place when I changed my mind and walked over to Armstrongs. I had a big plate of their black-bean chili, adding a lot of crushed red pepper to the already potent mixture the waitress brought me. It left me feeling almost as good as smashing that radio in the park, and I was considerably less likely to regret it afterward.
I used the john while I was there, and there was blood in my urine again but it wasnt as bad as it had been, and my kidney hadnt been bothering me lately. I went back to my table and drank some more coffee. I had Marcus Aurelius along for company but I didnt make much headway. Heres the passage I read:
Never surpass the sense of your original impressions. Perhaps they tell you that a certain person speaks ill of you. That was their sole message; they did not go on to say you have been harmed by him. Perhaps I see my child suffers illness; my eyes tell me so but do not tell me his life is in danger. Always keep to your original impressions; add no interpretation of your own and you remain safe. Or at the most add a recognition of the great world order by means of which all things come to pass.
That seemed to hold some advice for a detective, but I wasnt sure if I agreed with it. Keep your eyes and ears open, I thought, but dont try to make any sense out of what you see and hear. Or was that what he was saying? I played with the idea for a while, then gave up and put the book away and enjoyed the coffee and the music. I dont know what it was, something classical with a full orchestra. I enjoyed it, and didnt feel driven to smash the machine that was playing it.
I got to the meeting a few minutes early. Jim was there, and we chatted for a few minutes by the coffee urn without either of us referring to our earlier conversation. I talked to a few other people, too, and then it was time to take a seat.
The speaker was from the Bronx, an Irishman from the Fordham Road section. He was a big florid-faced fellow, still working the same job as the butcher in a neighborhood supermarket, still married to the same woman, still living in the same house. Alcoholism had left him visibly unscarred until it put him in a detox three years ago with nerve and liver damage.
"I was a good Catholic all my life," he said, "but I never said a real prayer until I got sober. Now I say
two prayers a day. I say please in the morning and thank you every night. And I dont take that drink. "
During the discussion an older fellow named Frank, sober since the Flood, said there was one prayer that had served him well over the years. "I say, God, thank you for everything just the way it is, " he said. "I dont know what good it does Him to hear it, but it does me good to say it. "
I raised my hand and said Id come close to a drink that afternoon, as close as Id ever come since I got sober. I shied away from going into detail, but said Id done every possible thing wrong except take the drink. Someone else responded to that, saying that not taking the drink was the only thing any of us absolutely had to get right.
Toward the end there was an announcement of Tonis memorial service, to be held in one of the big rooms at Roosevelt Hospital at three Saturday afternoon. Several people had mentioned Toni during the sharing, speculating on what might have caused her suicide and relating it to their own lives.
There was more speculation along those lines afterward at the Flame. It made me uncomfortable. I knew something they didnt know and wasnt willing to fill them in. It felt curiously disloyal to Toni to let her death pass as a suicide, but I didnt know how to set matters straight without causing more of a stir than I wanted and making myself too much the center of attention in the process. When the conversation stayed on that subject I thought about leaving, but then someone switched to another topic and I relaxed.
The meeting broke at ten, and I spent about an hour drinking coffee at the Flame. I stopped at my hotel to check for messages, then walked back out to the street without going upstairs.
I was early for my meeting with Danny Boy. I walked uptown, taking my time about it, stopping to look in store windows, waiting for lights to change even in the absence of oncoming traffic. Even so I reached the corner of Eighty-first and Amsterdam ahead of schedule. I walked a block past the place on the avenue, crossed the street, and planted myself in a doorway across from Mother Goose. I stayed there in the shadows and watched people go in and out of the place, keeping an eye on other activity on the street at the same time. On the southeast corner of the intersection, three people were standing around, heroin addicts waiting for the man. I couldnt see that they had any connection with Mother Goose, or with me.
At 12:28 I crossed the street and entered the club. I stepped into a dark narrow room with a bar along the left-hand wall and a coat room on the right near the door. I handed my coat to a girl who looked to be half black and half Asian, took the numbered plastic disc she gave me in return, and walked the length of the bar. At its end the room opened up to twice its width. The walls were brick, with sconces providing muted indirect lighting. The floor was tile in a pattern of red and black checkerboard squares. On a little stage, three black men played piano, bass and drums. They had short hair and neatly trimmed beards and they all wore dark suits and white shirts and striped ties. They looked like the old Modern Jazz Quartet, with Milt Jackson gone around the corner for a quart of milk.
I stood a few feet from the end of the bar, scanning the room, and a headwaiter glided over. He looked as though he could have been a fourth member of the group onstage. I couldnt see Danny Boy, my eyes hadnt adjusted to the lighting, but I asked for Mr. Bells table and he led me to it. The tables were set close together, so it was a narrow serpentine path he led me on.
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