[30] If ever I fell down through weariness and the weight of my load, that was the time when my suffering was intolerable; for, when he ought to have given me a helping hand, and lifted me up from the ground and taken off some of my load, he would never so much as give me a hand, but from his seat aloft he would start from my head and ears and batter me with his stick till his blows made me rise. Furthermore there was another intolerable trick he would play on me. He would gather a load of the sharpest thorns, tie them up and hang them behind me from my tail. When I started on my way, as you might expect, they dashed against me as they hung, pricking and wounding my posterior regions. I could not defend myself against this, for the spikes always followed me and hung to me; for if I went forward gingerly to guard against the onset of the thorns I was beaten to death by his sticks, while, if I avoided the sticks, then the sharp terror from behind assailed me. In short my driver made it his business to kill me.
[31] One day, when I had many woes to suffer and could bear them no longer, I directed a kick at him. This kick he never forgot. Once he had instructions to transfer some flax from one place to another. So he took me, collected a great quantity of the flax and tied it on to my back; he used a very uncomfortable rope to tie my load on very tight, so as to cook up great torment for me. Well, when we had to set out, he stole a stick while still hot from the fireside, and, when we had gone some distance from the farmhouse, plunged it into the flax. This, as was inevitable, at once started to burn and thereafter my load was one great fire. Perceiving that I would very soon be roasted, and coming upon a deep bog by the wayside, I hurled myself into the wettest part of it. Then I rolled the flax in the bog and twisted and turned till the mud had quenched my nasty scorching load. So in this way I was able to continue the rest of my journey in less danger; for the boy could no longer set light to me as the flax was mixed with wet mud. After his journey the impudent lad used this episode, too, to malign me, for he said that I had deliberately knocked against the hearth in passing. So that time I escaped from the flax though I little expected it.
[32] But the foul lad devised another far worse trick to play me. He took me to the mountain and put on my back a bulky load of wood, which he sold to a neighbouring farmer, but brought me back home without any wood on my back, and falsely accused me before his master of a scandalous deed, “Master, I don’t know why we keep this ass, for he’s terribly lazy and slow. Furthermore he now has a new habit. Whenever he sees a pretty young woman or a boy, he kicks me away and runs in pursuit of them, like a man in love making advances to his lady; he bites them with his show of kissing and forces his love on them. Because of this he’ll bring you to court and cause you trouble, for he insults everyone and knocks them down. Just now, when he was carrying wood, he saw a woman going off into a field; he shook off all his wood and scattered it over the ground. The woman he knocked down on the road and tried to make love to her, till folk ran up from every side to protect her from being torn apart by this handsome lover.”
[33] When his master heard this he said, “Well, if he won’t walk and won’t carry and loves like a human with his frenzy for women and boys, kill him and give his entrails to the dogs, but keep his flesh for our working men; and, if our owner asks how he died, put the blame on a wolf.”
This delighted the vile lad who was my driver and he wanted to kill me at once. But it so happened that one of the neighbouring farmers was present, and he saved me from death by a terrible plan he had for me.
“You certainly mustn’t kill an ass,” he said, “that can grind corn and carry loads. It’s quite easy; you must take him and castrate him, seeing that he rushes after humans with his mad passion. For the moment he’s rid of his romantic inclinations, he’ll grow gentle and fat, and carry heavy loads without complaining. If you have no personal experience of this type of surgery, I’ll come here in three or four days’ time and use my knife to make him gentler than a lamb for you.”
The whole household applauded his advice, but I was already in tears at the immediate prospect of losing the manhood in my ass’s body, and thought I didn’t wish to live any longer if I should become a eunuch. I therefore decided to starve myself to death from that moment or to throw myself from the mountain, where, though hurled to a most miserable death, I could lie dead with my body whole and unmutilated.
[34] When it was now dead of night, a messenger came from the village to our farmhouse with news about the young bride who had been the prisoner of the robbers, and her bridegroom. He said that, while they had been walking on the shore late in the evening, the sea had suddenly risen and snatched them out of sight, and that their lives had thus ended in tragic death. Since the household had lost its young master and mistress, they decided no longer to remain in captivity, but ransacked the whole house and escaped with their loot. The keeper of the horses took me and seizing everything he could, tied it on to the mares, the other animals, and me. Though I was annoyed at having to carry the load of a real ass, I welcomed this reprieve from castration. All night long we followed a difficult route and after three further days’ journey we reached Beroea, a large and populous city of Macedonia.
[35] There our drivers decided to settle themselves and us, and we animals were then offered for sale by a stentorian auctioneer who stood shouting in the middle of the marketplace. Those who approached wanted to open and inspect our mouths, and looked at the teeth of each of us to see our ages. The others were bought by various people, but I alone was left and the auctioneer told them to take me back home, saying, “This one alone, as you see, hasn’t found a master.” But Nemesis, the goddess who ever twists and changes so much, brought me a master too, though not the sort I would have chosen. For he was an old catamite and one of those who take the Syrian goddess around the villages and countryside and compel the goddess to beg alms. To this man was I sold for the princely sum of thirty drachmas, and with a heavy heart I now followed my new master.
[36] When we came to the house of Philebus - for that was the name of my purchaser - he at once raised a loud shout in front of the doors, “Girlies, I’ve bought you a handsome sturdy slave of Cappadocian stock.” Now these “girlies” were a bevy of catamites who plied the same trade as Philebus, and they all clapped their hands at his words, for they all thought that the purchase really was a man. When they saw that the slave was an ass, they all jeered at Philebus, saying, “That’s no slave you have there but a bridegroom for yourself. Where did you get him? I hope this glorious match proves an asset to you and you soon breed foals like the father.”
[37] So saying, they laughed. But on the next day they mustered for work, as they themselves called it, dressed up the goddess and put her on my ack. Then we rode out of that city and went round the country. Whenever we came to a village, I, the bearer of the goddess, would stand still, while the company of pipers would blow their frenzied tunes, and the others would throw off their turbans, drop their heads and twist them round on their necks; they would cut their forearms with their swords, and each would stick his tongue out from his teeth and cut it, so that within a moment everything was full of effeminate blood. When I saw this, at first I would stand there trembling with the fear that the goddess might also need asses’ blood. Whenever they cut themselves thus, they would make a copper and silver collection among the spectators standing around. Others gave them dried figs, cheeses, jars of wine and bushels of wheat and barley for the ass. From these they supported themselves and looked after the goddess who rode on my back.
[38] One day when we had invaded a village of that country, they hunted down a lusty young villager and brought him into the place where they were staying. Then they got from the villager the sort of treatment habitually popular with such foul catamites. This caused me inordinate distress at my changed shape and I wanted to cry out, “Cruel Zeus, to think that my sufferings have come to this!” But it was not my voice but that of the ass which rose from my throat and I produced a loud bray. Now it happened that some of the villagers were lo
oking for an ass which they had just lost.
Upon hearing my loud bray, assuming that I was their property, they came in without a word to anyone and surprised the catamites at their unmentionable practices inside. This occasioned much laughter amongst the intruders, who then ran out and spread reports of the priests’ lewdness throughout the whole village. But they were terribly ashamed at the exposure of these practices of theirs and without delay left the place that night. When they had reached a lonely part of the road, they began to express their angry rage at me as the betrayer of their rites. This terrible abuse of theirs I could stand, but what followed was no longer tolerable; for, after they had taken the goddess from my back and put her on the ground, they stripped off all my trappings, and tied me now naked to a large tree. Then they flogged me with that knucklebone whip of theirs till they had almost killed me, and told me thereafter to carry the goddess in silence.
Moreover they had planned to kill me after my flogging, because I had brought such insults upon them and had had them driven from the village before they had finished their business, but I was saved from death by the goddess, for she made them feel terribly ashamed of leaving her sitting on the ground without means of travelling.
[39] After my flogging, therefore, I took up the goddess and continued the journey. When it was now about evening, we stopped at a rich man’s estate. He was at home, welcomed the goddess very gladly to his house, and brought her sacrifices. I was involved there to my certain knowledge in great personal danger. For a friend of the landowner had sent him a ham of wild ass as a gift. The cook had been given this to prepare, but had lost it through carelessness when a pack of dogs got in unnoticed. Fearing that he would be severely beaten and tortured for losing the ham, he had decided to hang himself, but his wife proved my evil genius. “Don’t kill yourself, dearest” she said, “don’t give in to such despair. For, if you listen to me, you’ll settle all your troubles satisfactorily. Take the catamites’ ass away to a deserted spot and then slit its throat and cut off that piece - it’s the ham - and bring it here, cook it and serve it to your master, and throw the rest of the ass into some gully. It will be thought to have run away and disappeared. Can’t you see how plump it is and superior in every way to that wild ass?”
The cook applauded his wife’s plan saying, “This suggestion of yours is excellent, wife, and my only means of escaping a flogging. I shall carry it out right away.”
Such, then, was the plan hatched with his wife by the villain as he stood beside me planning to be my cook. [40] But I, already foreseeing what was coming, decided my best plan was to escape from his knife. I broke the rope by which I was led, kicked up my heels and rushed inside where the catamites were dining with the landowner. When I ran in, I knocked over light, tables and all with my kicking heels. I thought I had thus found a clever way to safety, and that the landowner would immediately order me to be kept safely locked up as being a high-spirited ass. But this clever plan brought me into extreme danger. For they now thought me mad, brought out swords galore and spears and long sticks to attack me, and prepared to kill me. When I saw my great danger, I rushed into the room where my masters would be sleeping. When they saw this, they closed the doors of the room securely from the outside.
[41] When it was now dawn, I took the goddess up again and left with the mountebanks. We reached another large and populous village, where they introduced a fresh monstrosity by insisting that the goddess should not stay in the house of a human but take up residence in the temple of the local goddess held in most honour amongst them. They were very glad to welcome the foreign goddess and gave her accommodation along with their own goddess, but assigned us to the house of some paupers. After they had spent many days there, my masters wished to leave for the nearby city and asked the goddess back from the local people. They entered the sacred precinct themselves, carried her out, put her on my back and rode off. Now when the impious fellows entered that precinct, they stole a golden bowl, a votive offering. This they carried off concealed in the person of the goddess. When the villagers discovered this, they gave immediate pursuit; then, upon drawing near, they leapt down from their horses and laid hold of the fellows in the road, calling them impious and sacrilegious, and demanding the return of the stolen offering. They searched everywhere and found it in the bosom of the goddess. They therefore tied up the effeminate fellows, dragged them off and threw them into prison; the goddess whom I had carried they took and gave to another temple, while the golden vessel they gave back to their local goddess.
[42] The next day they decided to offer the prisoners’ effects, myself included, for sale; and I was bought by a foreigner who lived in the neighbouring village and was a baker by trade. He took men, loaded me with ten bushels of corn which he’d bought and drove me to his house along a difficult road. When we arrived, he took me to his mill-house, where I saw a great number of animals whose fellow slave I was to be; there were many mills all being turned by the animals and everything was full of flour. For the time being they let me rest there, as I was a new slave and had had a very heavy load to carry and a difficult road to cover. The next day, however, they blindfolded me, harnessed me to the beam of the mill and started me off. Though I knew from long experience how to grind, I pretended not to know, but my hopes were disappointed. For many of the millers took sticks and stood around me and surprised me, for I couldn’t see, by smacking me all together, so that I suddenly started to spin like a top from their blows. Thus I learnt by experience that a slave should do his duty without waiting for his master’s hand.
[43] Thus I became very thin and weak so that my master decided to sell me. I was bought from him by a nurseryman, who had a market garden to cultivate. Let me tell you about our work. At dawn my master would load me with vegetables and take them to market; when he had delivered them to the greengrocers, he would take me back to the nursery; then he would dig, plant and water while I stood idle. However life was terribly hard for me; in the first place it was now winter, and he could not afford bedding for himself, much less for me, and I had to tread unshod on damp clay or hard, sharp ice, while all that either of us had to eat was bitter, rough lettuces.
[44] One day as we were going out to the nursery, we met a gentleman in military uniform who addressed us at first in Latin and asked the nurseryman where he was taking me, the ass. He made no reply, because, I suppose, he didn’t understand that language. The soldier, angry at an imagined insult, used his whip to strike the nurseryman who then grappled with him, tripped him up and sent him sprawling on the road. He then struck at him just as he lay, using his fists and his feet and a stone from the road. At first the soldier resisted and threatened to kill him with his sword, if ever he got to his feet again. As though warned by the soldier’s own words, my master chose the safest course, drew the soldier’s sword and threw it a long way off, before starting once again to pound his prostrate foe, who now saw that he could bear it no longer and pretended he had been killed by the blows. My master, terrified at this, left him lying there just as he was, but gave me the sword to carry and went off to the city.
[45] When we got there, he gave his nursery to a colleague to work, while he himself, fearing the risk of returning by the road, got one of his friends in the town to hide the two of us. Next day they adopted the following plan; they hid my master in a chest, while they carried me by the feet up a ladder to a loft, in which they shut me up. The soldier had eventually struggled to his feet, as they told us, and, dizzy with his blows, had reached the city, where he met his messmates and told them of the desperate conduct of the nurseryman. They went with the soldier and discovered our hiding-place. They then fetched the magistrates of the city, who sent in one of their constables and ordered all the inmates to come out. When they emerged, there was no sign of the nurseryman. The soldiers therefore insisted that he was inside along with me, his ass. The inmates however maintained that nothing, whether man or ass, was still left in the house. As this was occasioning great noise an
d much shouting in the gateway, I, headstrong, inquisitive creature, wished to find out who the shouters were, and poked my head down through the window. The soldiers saw me and immediately raised a shout, and our friends were caught out in their lies. The magistrates went in, searched everywhere and found my master in the chest. They seized him and sent him off to prison to await trial for his bold conduct, while I was carried down by them and handed over to the soldiers. They all laughed uncontrollably at the one that had turned informer from the loft and betrayed his own master. Thus I originated the saying, thereafter common among men, “from the peeping of an ass.”
[46] What happened to my master I can’t say, but the next day the soldier decided he would sell me, and I fetched twenty-five Attic drachmas. My purchaser was the servant of a very wealthy man from Thessalonica, the largest city in Macedonia. This man’s business was to cook the meat for his master and he also had as his fellow-slave his brother, who was skilled in baking bread and making honey-cakes. These brothers were always messmates, lodging in the same place and keeping the tools of their trades together. Thereafter they established me with them in their quarters. After their master’s dinner they would both bring in many left-overs, one of them of meat and fish, the other of bread and cakes. They used to shut me up with all this and go off to have a bath, leaving a most pleasant charge in my protection. I would then say a hearty goodbye to the barley put out for me and devote myself to the proceeds of my masters’ skill, and would gorge myself on human food once again after so long. When they came in, at first they didn’t notice my gormandising at all, because there was so much food lying about and I still showed fear and restraint when stealing my lunch. But once I had decided they were completely unaware of all this, and had started to eat the finest portions and a great deal besides, and they to notice their losses, at first they would look suspiciously at each other, and one would call the other robber and a shameless thief of the common store; thereafter they both kept a careful check and the titbits would be counted.
Delphi Complete Works of Lucian Page 53
