by A. K. Evans
I stared at her, feeling myself get sick.
“I can see this is upsetting you,” she began again. “I’m really sorry, Sienna. You’re a smart girl. I would have thought you’d have already realized all of this. Do what you want, but as someone who has been right where you are before, stuck on that notion of forever with a guy who doesn’t have it in him to give it, don’t get too comfortable. You’re this shiny new toy right now, but that’s going to wear off. You know it’s only a matter of time before he kicks you out and goes back to the life he loves.”
Unable to speak, I started to close the door.
“You’ll let him know I stopped by?” she asked.
“I will,” I promised.
The minute I closed the door, a huge rush of air left my lungs. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I’d been holding my breath.
I walked back to the living room, sat down, and rested my uninjured left hand on my stomach as I allowed what had just happened to replay over and over in my head. She’d been rude and crude, but Maria wasn’t wrong.
Even though I already knew everything she’d said was the truth, something about hearing it from a woman who’d been there with him was different. I mean, I’d just sat here on the phone with Addy minutes before Maria showed up, and I told my best friend that there’d never be anything more than just what we had now between Roscoe and me. It wasn’t like Maria’s words should have affected me the way they were.
Maybe it was because Addy was hopeful. Maria was completely pessimistic.
Deep down, I didn’t believe Roscoe and I would be anything more than friends, but the negative perspective from someone like her didn’t help me at all.
I managed to prevent a total breakdown, but I just barely accomplished that only minutes before Roscoe returned.
When he walked in, I noticed a lightness about him. He seemed relieved, like he didn’t have a care in the world.
I wondered what could have happened that would make him look that way, but I had no right to ask. That’s not who we were. Not now. And if Maria was right, not ever.
“Hey,” he greeted me.
“Hi,” I returned.
“It’s getting a little late, so if you’re hungry, I can just order something in,” he offered.
Shaking my head as I got up off the couch, I said, “No, that’s okay. I was just thinking that I’d make a baked potato.”
I didn’t want to be more of a burden to him. And while I guess I knew that Roscoe was more than capable of ordering in and it not putting a dent in the money he had, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
“For dinner? That’s all you want?” he questioned me.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe a side of vegetables.”
His brows pulled together, and he studied me.
Convinced he could see every thought running through my mind, I walked across to the kitchen and pulled out potatoes. After washing them off, I took a knife and started poking holes in them. Then, I added, “I don’t have a taste for it right now, but it’s not a problem for me to throw a piece of salmon or chicken in the oven for you if you’d like.”
He shook his head. “No, that’s okay. Is everything alright with you?”
Roscoe’s voice indicated he was a little confused, and a lot concerned.
“Maria stopped over,” I shared as I turned on the oven.
“What?”
Nodding, I repeated, “Maria stopped over. She was looking for you.”
There was an extended pause. “Was that all that happened?” he asked.
I turned my head in his direction and gave him a look that I hoped indicated I wasn’t interested in talking about it.
“I’m not with her, Sienna,” he told me.
“I know,” I insisted, looking away from him as I put the potatoes in the microwave.
I couldn’t be bothered to deal with putting them in the oven. It was long past the point when I needed to eat and waiting for them to cook in there was just not an option.
“Did she say something to you?” he pressed.
“I was the only one here, so there wasn’t anyone else for her to talk to,” I noted, my eyes still not focused on him.
I didn’t like how awkward this was beginning to feel, but I didn’t know what to do to change that.
As I moved toward the freezer and picked out some vegetables to steam, Roscoe declared, “I feel like there’s something I should know about.”
I pulled out the package of mixed vegetables and closed the freezer door. “What do you want me to say?” I asked. “I mostly think she was here to be nosy, but ultimately, she wanted to see you. She indicated that you two still… get together on occasion. I’m guessing that’s what she wanted.”
Roscoe let out a frustrated sigh. “Sienna, I’m sorry. I didn’t think about something like that happening and her just showing up here unannounced.”
Did he think it’d be better for me if I knew she was coming?
“It’s okay. It’s your house,” I noted.
“But you’re staying here right now,” he countered.
Right now.
The same words Maria had used.
I had to face the facts. This was only temporary. It would never be what I wanted it to be, never what I thought our baby deserved to have.
“Yes, I am. But I’m not stupid, Roscoe. I realize you had a life before I came along, and I don’t expect that your life is going to end now that a baby is on the way. It’s really okay.”
“Why do I feel like you’re trying to convince yourself of that and not me?” he asked.
Maybe because I am, I thought.
“I’m sorry. I’m just a little irritable because I’m hungry,” I apologized.
I figured that was my safest bet, mostly because it wasn’t a complete lie. In the same breath, it wasn’t the full truth. Maria showing up and sharing the details of her arrangement with Roscoe unsettled me, and I was having a hard time dealing with it.
“Okay. How about you grab a seat and let me finish this up for you?” he suggested.
“Actually, if you don’t mind, I’m going to run upstairs and use the bathroom real quick,” I told him. And because I didn’t want him thinking this was me avoiding him, I added, “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the pressure in my bladder.”
I think it worked because Roscoe didn’t hesitate to respond. “Go. I’ve got this.”
He didn’t need to tell me twice. I took off upstairs to use the bathroom. I could have gone in one of the two that were downstairs, but I didn’t. I was merely grateful Roscoe hadn’t suggested I use one of them because I not only needed a little time away, I also needed the distance.
After relieving myself, I took a few extra minutes to pull myself together.
He’s not yours, Sienna. He never will be.
The sooner I could come to terms with that, the better off I would be.
As I descended the stairs to return to the kitchen, I repeated those words over and over in my mind. He wasn’t mine; he never would be.
When I got to the kitchen, Roscoe turned toward me, carrying a plate with a baked potato and a side of vegetables for each of us.
“Are you sure this is enough?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yes. Thank you. What about you?”
“There are some leftovers from the other night in the refrigerator. I’m just going to heat up a piece of that to go with this.”
I took my plate from him and moved to the table. After setting it down, I walked back to the kitchen and pulled the butter spread out of the refrigerator. Roscoe was busy popping a plate into the microwave so he could heat up a piece of chicken.
While he waited for that to finish, I returned to the table and prepared my potato. By the time I’d done that, Roscoe sat down across from me with his food.
I took that as a good sign that things were going to be okay, but I was wrong. We didn’t talk throughout dinner. I simply focused on my food, even if I could feel Ro
scoe watching me.
My gut told me he had a million questions he wanted to ask or a thousand things he wanted to say, but for some strange reason, he didn’t speak. And considering how I felt, I couldn’t bring myself to break the silence either.
So, I ate.
I did it ravenously because it wasn’t until I started eating that I recognized just how hungry I was.
When we finished dinner and had cleaned up our plates, I moved back to the living room. It had kind of become our thing over the last few days. We’d always either eat dinner together at the table and move to the living room to watch television afterward, or we’d eat dinner together while we watched television.
But that didn’t happen tonight.
No sooner did I sit down when Roscoe walked up and said, “I have to run out.”
“What?”
“I need to run out for a bit,” he answered. “I’ll be back in a little while.”
I licked my lips and swallowed hard.
We’d done this every night. Except now that Maria had stopped by, and I told Roscoe what she wanted, it wasn’t going to happen tonight. It was approaching eight o’clock at night. It wasn’t hard to figure out where he was going.
“Okay,” I rasped.
Something washed over Roscoe’s face. He hesitated briefly before he bent at the waist and pressed his lips to the top of my head. Then, without another word, he gave my arm a squeeze and walked away.
When I heard the garage door close after he left, I couldn’t stop the two tears from rolling down my cheeks.
And though I tried to stay awake, I failed.
I made it about an hour before my body took over and forced me to give into the exhaustion.
Roscoe
When I walked back into the house, much later than I had anticipated, I was in for a surprise. The television was still on, though the volume was low, and Sienna was asleep on the couch. I crouched down in front of her and watched her.
God, she was beautiful.
I hated what she’d gone through today, and I had to go and see to it that it never happened again.
Sienna didn’t deserve what happened. It killed me to see how much she struggled to pretend it didn’t matter to her that Maria showed up. I never wanted to see that look on her face again.
I placed one hand on her belly and the other on top of head, most of my fingers laced through her hair. My thumb stroked gently over the apple of her cheek as something squeezed in my chest.
A moment later, I lifted her in my arms and carried her upstairs to the guest bedroom. I wanted to carry her to my bed, but I didn’t. I wanted that to happen because Sienna wanted it. After I settled in her in the bed and covered her body, I bent and whispered, “Good night, baby girl.”
Then I pressed a tender kiss to her cheek before I walked out and made my way to my room alone, hoping one day soon I’d be going there with her beside me.
Nineteen
Sienna
I wanted to smile.
It was taking everything in me to give off the guise of being unaffected.
Sitting on the couch in Roscoe’s living room, I was eating dinner and watching a movie with him, but Roscoe wasn’t watching the movie.
And that made me feel good.
Because we were watching a John Wick movie. Did it get any better than that?
Apparently, for Roscoe, it did.
His gaze was on me.
I knew it. I could feel it, and it was empowering.
But I’d started getting used to this. For a few days now, I noticed him watching me from the opposite end of the couch. At first, I thought it was strange, but now it made me feel good. Admired. Beautiful.
Even when it was very easy for me to not feel that way these days.
So much had happened over the last week or so. My wrist was in a cast, and I was starting to get used to it. I was no longer experiencing pain that kept me up at night, which was a huge plus.
Of course, being in the cast and having spoken with my doctor, it was made clear that I could not continue to work as I was. Since I was injured while working, this was going to end up as a worker’s compensation case. So, I couldn’t work, but I was still going to be paid.
And I felt good about that because I’d been living with Roscoe for several days now, and I was quickly learning that he had no problem taking all the expenses on his shoulders. While I didn’t think I’d have any success with trying to get him to allow me to pay for anything that I needed while I was here, I could at least still pay for my expenses at my apartment.
My apartment.
Something I was dreading the thought of going back to.
The truth was, I loved it at Roscoe’s place. I mean, how could I not? Not only was it spacious and cozy, it just felt like a home. It was a place that was meant for raising a family. And it surprised me that he’d purchased something so big for himself when he hadn’t had any intentions of ever having a family.
Of course, I was probably getting a little ahead of myself. Roscoe and I having a baby together didn’t mean that we were suddenly going to be one big happy family. I realized he was doing what he had to do to fix what as broken between us so that the two of us would be able to raise this baby in an environment that wasn’t so tense, just like I’d said to his parents.
He wanted to be a good father. I couldn’t take that away from him or our child.
But damn, if it wasn’t hard to keep those walls up around my heart. Especially when I walked into that bedroom after my first night here and saw all that he’d gotten for the baby. That alone was enough to make my knees weak. But then he walked in wearing nothing but a pair of sweats, and I had to fight every urge inside me that wanted to recall what it had been like to have that body completely naked and pressed against mine.
All of that mixed with the way he’d been treating me made him hard to resist.
But then there was the whole situation with Maria that happened a few days ago, and it wasn’t so difficult to start building those walls up again. After we woke the next morning, when I found myself in the guest bedroom that I assumed Roscoe had carried me to, neither of us talked about what happened the day before. And if it hadn’t been for the fact that I was present when Maria showed up and Roscoe left that night, I never would have known it even happened.
Things went back to normal.
And this, what he was doing now, made it incredibly difficult to not feel good about where things were with us.
As I continued to eat from my bowl of baked rigatoni, Roscoe continued to watch me. I had yet to say anything to him about it, mostly because I liked the way it made me feel.
However, time was ticking away quickly, and he hadn’t touched his food.
So, I looked over at him and said, “Your food is going to get cold.”
“I know, but I don’t care,” he replied. “I love watching you eat.”
I gave him a questioning look as I tried to chew through all the pasta I’d put into my mouth. “That’s strange, don’t you think?”
Roscoe shrugged his shoulders, clearly feeling indifferent. “You eat food with such enthusiasm. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone enjoy themselves so much.”
I was a pregnant woman who had been struggling to buy myself more than just the absolute necessities for a long time. Now that I had some indulgent meals, I wasn’t going to hold myself back from appreciating them. It didn’t matter that it was just pasta and cheese that I was eating now. Something about knowing I didn’t have to worry about food like I did before felt a bit liberating.
And maybe that was foolish, especially because I knew this would end after the baby was born. But I didn’t really care.
Everything I’d done to guard my heart wasn’t working anyway, so I figured I might as well enjoy myself.
Despite all my best efforts, keeping those walls up around my heart had proven to be more and more difficult as I spent more time with Roscoe. I couldn’t continue to pretend I wasn’t affecte
d by the things he said and did. Him not minding that his food was getting cold because he was more fascinated by watching me eat only made that fight to stay guarded even more challenging.
“Okay. But you told me you want me to stay here until the baby is born, so you’ve got plenty of time left to watch me eat,” I noted. Holding my bowl up in front of me, I said, “This won’t be nearly as good if it’s cold.”
Something strange washed over his face. He’d gone from looking utterly amused by me to suddenly seeming completely disturbed. Whatever it was, he didn’t share. And I didn’t ask because I wasn’t sure I could handle what was on his mind.
I returned my attention to the movie as I finished the rest of my food. Even though he’d started after me, by the time I finished, Roscoe had as well. I leaned forward and placed my bowl on the coffee table.
“You want some ice cream for dessert?” he asked.
“Yes, but not yet. I need a few minutes to make some room,” I answered.
He let out a laugh and gave me a nod. “Okay. Let me know when you’re ready.”
For the next few minutes, we both had our focus on the television. But then it happened.
“Ow,” I yelled as my hand went to my stomach.
Roscoe had gone from the lounging position he’d been in to sitting completely upright on the edge of the couch. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
That’s when I realized I had the chance to give him something he hadn’t had yet. I reached my hand out to him. He immediately moved close and placed his hand in mine.
“Is everything alright, Sienna?” he asked quietly.
I nodded as I placed his palm on my belly.
Confusion washed over him, and I urged, “Just wait.”
A few seconds later, his entire expression changed. He felt it. He felt our baby kick for the first time.
