I walked forward and stood to the side of her garage, but I made sure I was standing directly under the security light so I didn’t look shady to anyone passing by. Not that they had much foot traffic here. This wasn’t like my part of town where people were always hanging around. Here, they went everywhere by car. Probably walked their dogs that way too, or used a treadmill to exercise them. I huffed out a grin and was just about to reach for my mobile phone in my back pocket to give me a distraction from my racing thoughts, when I heard her front door open. I moved from the side of her garage and made my way up the steps to where she was waiting.
When she saw it was me, her eyes went wide and I noticed her hesitation as she took a step back, did the obligatory self-hug that she always did, and then bit her lip.
“I hope I’m not disturbing you,” I said, hanging my head and struggling to make eye contact with her.
“Of course you aren’t,” she huffed out with a gentle laugh. “I was only watching TV. You’re the last person I expected to see here though.” She gave me a stern yet apprehensive look, like she wasn’t sure what my next move would be. I wasn’t surprised. I hadn’t been very predictable or approachable lately.
She eyed me curiously and then her expression turned solemn. “Is everything okay, Finn? After your outburst earlier, you worried me.”
Sure. I’m fine. Nothing to worry about. Only a paedo uncle stalking my every move while my heart shatters into a million pieces over you. But I’ll live. I always do.
“No. I… I just…. I didn’t want to leave it like that. I felt-” I couldn’t finish my sentence. How the hell was I supposed to put into words how I felt? I couldn’t. So, I decided I’d let my art do the talking for me. “I wanted to give you this.”
I reached inside the front pocket of my hoody and pulled out the folded piece of paper. Carelessly, I thrust it towards her like it was a bomb about to detonate. Truth was, the only explosive device around here was me. I felt like I was about to burst from the pressure that being here evoked inside me. So many feelings, so many emotions that I’d tampered down over the years were bubbling to the surface, and I was powerless to stop them.
She stepped forward and took the paper from my hand, her fingers brushing gently against mine as she did, and a spark of electricity shot down my arm and forced me to pull back in shock. She gasped, probably because she thought my reaction was a negative one. It wasn’t.
“What is this?” she whispered, blushing shyly and moving closer to the light on her porch as she unfolded it.
Usually, whenever I’d given her something like this, I posted it through the door, or left it on a brick wall somewhere, hidden from the rest of the prying eyes of Sandland. This was the first time I’d stood in front of her and put myself on the line.
When she saw what was on the paper, she gasped again, only this time she covered her mouth with her hand, and I saw tears well up in her eyes.
“Oh my God, Finn. This is… it’s beautiful.”
I could see the paper shaking in her hand as she held it and took in what she saw drawn there. I hadn’t gone for the usual portrait, and I’d spent a lot more time on this one than I had on the drawing of her dog that I knocked out in ten minutes with an old pencil whilst I leant against her neighbours’ fence a few months ago. This one had colour and depth. This was how I saw her.
I’d sketched her looking down, a side profile with her gaze cast to the floor. That way, I could show the delicate upturn of her nose that I loved, shade in the glow of her cheekbones, and the way her hair fell so beautifully over her face as she tried to hide from the world.
Or was it from me?
I loved that she had a quiet confidence. A gentle beauty that radiated from within. And I felt honoured that I got to see it. Sometimes, it felt like her smiles were only for me. She was mine, in my head and my heart, anyway. But in all her understated elegance was a beauty even my pencil couldn’t capture. So, I’d used washes of colour around the outside of her face to symbolise what she meant to me; how she made me feel. Blue for the calmness her presence always gave me. A tranquillity and peace that was always lacking at any other time in my life. Lavenders to symbolise her grace and poise. She wasn’t like any other girl in Sandland. She danced to the beat of her own drum, lived by her own well-crafted, caring and respectful principles and never failed to make others feel uplifted whenever she was around. And finally, purples, the colour of royalty, because this girl was noble, regal and a million miles out of my league.
“I’m speechless,” she whispered into the cold night air and stared at the drawing in awe.
I willed her to look up at me, to make the next move, because I didn’t have a clue what to say or do in this situation.
“I can’t believe you made this for me. It’s the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever given to me.” She looked up at me then, but the warmth I expected to see flickered and died, leaving behind confusion and hesitation.
She didn’t trust me.
And I couldn’t blame her.
“I love that you’ve given this to me, truly I do, but why have you come here, Finn?”
Because I can’t ever seem to let you go.
“I felt bad. I said some awful things to you earlier.”
And those words will haunt me just as much as any of my nightmares do.
I stuffed my hands into the front pocket of my hoody, so she couldn’t see me wring them together nervously.
She smiled to herself, taking a step towards me and blasting another brick from my wall of insecurities. But as she got a bit closer, she hesitated, and her smile faltered.
“I can’t ever read you, Finn. One minute I think we’re getting somewhere, and then it all changes. I know you’re not a bad person. You have a good heart. But you don’t make it easy. Not for me. Not for anyone.”
I understood what she was saying. It hurt to hear it, but it was the truth. Being around me wasn’t a walk in the park. I knew that. It’s why I kept myself hidden away most of the time.
I hung my head in shame but willed myself not to back down or turn and run away. Something was happening here, something worth fighting for, and I had to man-up and see this through.
“I think you know by now I pretty much forgive most of the crap you pull.” She sighed, giving me yet another lifeline.
She forgave me.
“I don’t mean to pull crap…” I answered, a little too defensively, and in an instant she jumped in to explain herself.
“I know you don’t, you just… ugh, you confuse me, Finn. I never know where I stand with you.”
“Well, right now, on your porch freezing our tits off.” It was a lame response, but I was going for the humour angle to deflect from the fact that I could not stop shaking and my face probably looked the shade of a beetroot.
“I didn’t mean that. You know what I meant.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I responded, bypassing my brain and answering straight from my gut.
“I don’t want you to say anything, just tell me what’s in your heart. What do you want? You obviously came here for a reason and it wasn’t just to give me this.”
She held up the drawing and I felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me. Had I made a dick move giving her a picture like that after being such an arsehole today?
“I don’t know if I can do that. Talking isn’t easy for me.” This was make or break. I hated these games but I couldn’t seem to stop them.
She huffed and took a step back, trying to break the spell we were both under, but I wouldn’t let that happen. I had to do something, so I moved towards her, closing that distance she’d created and held her gaze with mine, willing her to see what I couldn’t say.
I want you, Effy Spencer. I’ve always wanted you.
My attempts to keep you safe are shit ones, but they come from a place of… love.
“I get that talking isn’t your thing.” She sighed again. “I really do, but we aren’t moving forward. Th
is… whatever it is that’s building between us, well, it isn’t, is it? Building, that is. It’s like waking up in Groundhog Day, wanting to get to the happy ever after but then stalling before the story even starts, if that makes sense. Damn it, even I don’t know what I’m talking about.” She turned to leave, taking every scrap of dignity I had, and when she looked over her shoulder and said–– “When you figure out what it is you want, come and tell me. I’ll be waiting. I’ll always be waiting” ––I reached out to grab her arm and pull her back to me.
She didn’t resist. She wanted me to stop her. She wanted more too.
And so did I.
I leant my head down to rest my forehead against hers, feeling the warmth of her breath as it mingled with mine.
“I’m counting on it,” was all I could manage to say. My senses were too wrapped up in what it felt like to breathe her in as my air.
We stood like that for a few seconds, the world around us falling away, and all that mattered was being close, being connected. When she spoke next, I felt the cracks of my heart slowly easing, healing, and reaching out for her as the one true lifeline I’d always clung to.
“Kiss me.”
She spoke so softly I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming it, or imagining this moment in the way my mind wanted it to go. But when she tilted her head up and her lips skimmed mine, I knew this was it. This was the moment when it all changed for us, and I couldn’t stop it. I wanted it to change. Usually, I hated feeling out of control or losing power, but this wasn’t a loss. It was me clawing back my life, trying to put right what had been taken away from me. My right to happiness.
Slowly, so as not to scare her away, I pressed my lips to hers. The softness I’d always dreamed about was now a reality, and one that I was falling headfirst into. I would never recover from this.
My lips moved against hers, finding a rhythm, feeling, tasting, loving. And then she opened her mouth to mine, and our tongues started to dance together. I breathed out hard through my nose, revelling in the head rush that this kiss was giving me. I didn’t care that we were standing on her porch in full view of the street. I grabbed the back of her neck, threading my fingers into her hair and I took life from her through this kiss. Life and hope.
She placed her hands on my hips and I held her head in my hands, wanting to deepen our connection, get lost in a kiss that I never wanted to end. But happiness had always been fleeting for me, and when she pulled away and caught her breath, touching her lips like she couldn’t quite believe what she’d done, I knew the spell had been broken. Reality came crashing down like the unwelcome third party, and I braced myself for her to say it had all been a mistake. When she stayed silent, I beat her to it.
“I shouldn’t have done that.”
Her subtle flinch didn’t go unnoticed.
“Yes. You should. I asked you to. Remember?”
“I can’t do this,” I said, stepping back.
“Why not? What’s wrong with me? Fucking hell, Finn, stop doing this to me. You’re making me feel like such a loser.”
She covered her face with her hands, so I moved closer and pulled them down to look at her. This was heading in a direction that I didn’t want to go. I had to steer us back on track.
“You’re not a loser, and there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect.”
Her eyes sparkled but I could tell she was still keeping her guard up. I couldn’t blame her. When had I ever given her what she needed? That confirmation that she was safe with me, that her feelings and emotions were safe. I hadn’t. I’d been a prick and I knew it.
“Then why don’t you ever want me?”
That spike in my chest twisted again, making it hard to breathe.
“I do.”
“If you wanted me, you wouldn’t keep doing this to me.”
It was my turn to run my hand over my face and sigh deeply at what a monumental fuck-up I’d made of everything.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“When are you going to let me in?” she said with such sincerity, I wanted to take her in that instant and run away from this place forever. Make a new life with her where none of the bullshit could get to us. But I had unfinished business that needed taking care of first. Wrongs that needed righting.
“I will let you in. I promise. But first, I need to exorcise all of these demons living inside of me. I’m not good enough for you, Effy. Not yet, anyway.”
“You are a good guy, Finn. I hate that you think you’re not.”
“A good guy?” I huffed on a laugh and shook my head. “I’m trying to be. But I can be better. I want to be better, for you. Please. Just give me time.”
“Time.” She smiled sadly. “All I’ve given you is time. And I keep asking myself, will time ever be on our side? Will it ever work out for us?”
The way she looked at me, pleading with me to make this right made me step back into her and cup her face, holding it in my hands and softly running my thumbs over her cheeks to soothe her worries. There was never anyone else for me but her. There never would be.
“It will work out. I just need to get rid of the darkness inside me. Be the man you want me to be.”
“You already are the man I want you to be. I don’t want you to change.”
A tear that’d welled up in her eyes spilled over and trickled down to where my thumb caressed her. I wiped it away. I hated that she cried because of me.
“It isn’t about changing, Eff. I have issues, problems I need to deal with. I promise you, I’m almost there. I’m so close, I can almost taste it.”
I didn’t want to let her go, but she reluctantly pulled away and wiped the back of her hand over her eyes. Then she wrapped her arms around herself and I could see her try to stand taller. She had walls just like I did, only her walls were of my own doing.
“I don’t know what it is that’s got you feeling this way. I’m guessing you haven’t had the best home life, and you don’t have to tell me anything, but I hope you know, there is nothing from your past that could make me feel differently about you. Nothing.”
She smiled at me to let me know she was sincere and ripples of something eased my burning, tight chest. Whatever it was, I didn’t know. Love, maybe?
“I don’t deserve you.” I sighed.
“Yes, you do. We both deserve each other. We deserve happiness. The future and the here and now are what matter, Finn.”
“And that’s what I’m fighting for.”
It’s what I’m always fighting for.
“But you don’t have to fight alone. You have me.”
“Do I?” I asked hopefully.
“Yes.” She didn’t bat an eyelid when she responded. This girl would go to hell for me if I asked her to. She was my ride or die.
“Even after I’ve pushed you away?”
“In spite of you pushing me away. You push and I push back harder. That’s how we work.” She gave a low laugh to herself before grinning at me, and I grinned back.
“I hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for, because when I come for you, Effy, there’ll be no stopping me.”
“And that’s what I’m counting on,” she whispered back and glanced down at the floor, a cute blush spreading over her already flushed cheeks.
I had to get my shit together. I couldn’t wait to make her mine any longer, not after that kiss. I just needed to make sure that when I did come for her, there would be nothing and nobody standing in our way. This was the real deal for me.
I headed home, feeling a glimmer of hope beginning to shine a light through the cracks of my pretty dismal life. Maybe guys like me did get the girl after all?
I hoped so.
I headed into my street and cursed the dim street lighting in this part of the town. Half the lights were broken or damaged but nobody cared enough to do anything about it. I decided then and there that I needed to find a new place to live. I’d bitched enough about my parents’ place, but I’d never done anything proactive to change i
t. If I was going to make things right in my life, one of the areas I had to start with was my home.
I opened the front door and felt the warm staleness waft over me as I stepped inside. Mum and Dad were talking loudly in the kitchen, and even though I wanted to head straight to my room to avoid them, I didn’t. I needed a drink.
“It’s a weight off my shoulders, anyway.” Mum smiled to herself as I walked in and went to the fridge to grab a can of Coke.
“He’ll see her right.” Dad nodded to himself.
I closed the fridge door, leant up against it and popped open the can, sipping as I shifted my gaze between the two of them. Against my better judgement, they’d reeled me in, and I took the bait.
“Who will see who right?” I asked, looking bored with this conversation before it’d even started.
“Tony.”
I froze when my mum said his name. Fingernails down a chalkboard would’ve sounded better and probably given me a less visceral reaction too.
“What about him?” I croaked out. The Coke was doing nothing to wet the sudden dryness in my throat.
“He’s moved to Brinton Manor. Got a lovely little two-bed, right by where Alice is staying.”
I slammed the can on the counter next to me, making the liquid fizz up and spill over the top, but I just shook the drops from my hand and turned my heated stare on my mum.
“What the hell do you mean, close to Alice? Does he know where she lives?”
“Of course he does. His place is right around the corner, on Spires Lane.” Mum frowned at me, like I’d made the most ridiculous statement. I mean, why wouldn’t we tell dear old Uncle Tony where his beloved niece was? I couldn’t fucking believe her, and I was equally pissed at myself for the fact that Alice had been put in danger yet again.
“You told him where, didn’t you?” I shouted, really losing my shit. “Why? Why would you do that?”
“He’s her uncle,” she snapped back. “He has every right to know. Why wouldn’t we tell him?” She looked to my dad for back up, but she couldn’t bring herself to look my way. I would say she felt guilty, but it was more likely she couldn’t be bothered to argue with me and wanted me gone.
Fractured Minds (Rebels of Sandland Book 3) Page 7
