Young they may die. Forever may they live in memorial dedication.
Going With You
22
Dreaming was a superstition to me. Hidden meaning or symbols that would help you grow in your conscious state bore unrealistic to my knowledge. I dreamt though of an old memory of Winter last night. This is how it goes!
●
I packed the last boxes in my car. We were moving nearly 3000 miles across the American landscape. Winter in her own car, my father in his. We were all on our own. I coursed my way to the freeway, hoping this school was anything, but familiar. Winter just graduated and onward to her womanhood with continuing education. Some LDS college on the east coast of Virginia.
In the end we didn’t end up going.
"We’re not even Mormon, Winter." I said one day, folding old clothes into a garbage bag.
"It's where I need to be, I just know it." Her smile flawless.
"I don't understand why we have to move though. I thought the whole point of going to college was to get away from the people you live with."
"Oh, you know I couldn't live without you! Plus, Chatt is Mormon and he thinks it will be a good fit for us."
"It’s my senior year." Not caring to listen. Too ecstatic to hear anything the past few days. This was all Chatt's fault, her boyfriend of four years now, going on 40.
"Dad, I don't want to go."
"You are going and your complaints will not change the matter." He didn't even look up to meet my eyes.
"It’s going to be my senior year, doesn’t that receive consideration?”
"You'll have a new school. It's not that bad. Winter isn't complaining." He adjusted his pipe.
"Winter is going to college, we’re following her there! Of course the angel isn’t complaining. If a protest of any kind was made it should be of her letting us follow her across the country to no man’s land."
"I don't see the difference. She will probably have a hard time since she's in a new place."
"It's college everybody is new! She will be with Chatt."
"Autumn Jazmine!" He stared at me before looking to finish moving arrangements.
"What about my friends?" The only solution was to plead. He chuckled politely.
"AJ, let's be honest you don't really have any friends. You have one and that’s Winter. I am doing you a favor in moving you close to her." He smiled and looked at me like I was not enough to stand in his presence, as if I was someone he thought would just wither away.
"Of course you are." My smirk was hidden beneath my lies.
"That's my girl. You really should be thanking me." Anything for you father.
I take one look back at this old house I have grown up all of my life. I hate school. I hate my dad. I wish I could just stay and leave me be. Maybe if I don't arrive there, they won't make me go. Maybe they will forget. I am so easily forgotten.
Chatt pulled into our driveway, dad seemed annoyed. I was grateful for the delay.
He practically flew out of the car.
"Winter! Thank goodness I caught you before you guys left. I had no right to ask you to go across country for me. So I decided that it would be best if we stayed here for the summer and decide in the fall."
"It's okay. I didn’t want to go."
"Me either. I mean, seriously, Virginia?” Embrace her smoldering body. They both laughed, told you.
"So, we’re staying?" I interrupted.
"I guess so." Chatt kissed Winter on the cheek.
"Sweet! I call my room!"
"I call dad's room!" Winter shouted sprinting in front of the race. Although all our rooms were really the same size. I looked back at dad and saw that he was disappointed, let down. He required to banish this place, more than I held it essential to stay.
"Dad, we can move. I'm okay with it now." It was late at night, his light in the study was on.
"Where would we move and without your sister?” Always about this Winter character.
"Maybe to a new town, another state. We both know you aren't happy in this house."
"Oh, now you think you know about emotional well beings?" He was stubborn, maybe I got that from him.
"I just think you need to get away from this house, too many ruthless reminiscences."
"You’re moving? Away from me?" Winter came in behind me and sat on the arm of dad's chair. He overlooked it when she did it, I had no place there.
"Of course, not sunshine! Autumn Jazmine was just being silly." He glared at me.
"What am I your darkness?" The roll in my eyes was created by annoyance and factual information.
“She was the one that wanted to move in the first place!” Half stating on her behalf.
"Excuse me?" His eyes glowering in a way I need not push.
"Nothing, sir."
"Okay. Besides it isn't the house it's the things in it." He stared at me like I was one of these despicable objects drowning him. It wasn't me he hated so much, it was my mother, the one I unluckily had inclined to reflect.
"Then, throw away her stuff, dad. You’re the one that keeps ahold of her things like she is coming back." He turned around to face me. Slander in his eyes, a smack in his hand.
"She didn't mean it, dad. Right AJ?" Winter jumped into action as she always did before he could make one of two decisions.
"Of course not. How could I mean such hurtful things to my beloved father?!”
"You'd be smart if you listened to your sister Autumn Jazmine." He patted her back, hugging her goodnight. He had never once raised his voice or a hand to Winter. He’d done equally with me on a regular basis.
"No doubt.” A reply that was the calmest in my thoughts.
Nearby Fate
23
It poured for a second time today, the wind still blowing. I talked to Jenks and we seemed to work things out. I chose to stay in bed, the next few days though. Letting this depressive state take me over once again. Curled up in these familiar sheets. Wishing to myself I was outside in the cold, with the rain dropping onto my bare skin. Numbness taking ahold of my body's senses. I ache for it. I slip back into my comatose state drowning myself in self-pity. Forgetful of everything I need to do today; make graduation announcements, pack, prepare, and find an apartment far away from here. Not important I remind myself, not today at least, maybe tomorrow I will find the courage to venture forth.
I would be in English class right now, trying to write the same poem I can't seem to finish.
Between two bridges I may pick my fate.
One leading up and the other smiling down.
Gracious and stubborn I steady my step.
Wondering and pondering my actions to either.
Maybe that one or maybe this one.
The choice is in my hands, the decision is mine alone to make.
Thanks to free will.
I walk four more steps to the middle, in no apparent direction.
Along the pebble walkway, I meet different people. I face unique trials, I do not want to face, all leading me back to my sister’s journey.
I understand consequences, as I would understand choices.
I understand the end of things, which usually do not halt in good.
I can never get pass this part.
My words fall lifeless, remembering the occurrence that happened yesterday.
●
I stare out the window, looking past the P.E. class, into the yellow and brown straw fields. Trees stand tall around the acres. Free, their branches fly in the wind.
"Autumn?" Mr. Forrester called my name once again. I try to block out his bellowing pitch. My teacher came and shut the blinds cutting off my vision to the outdoor freedom.
"Autumn Jazmine Moion." Only my mother calls me by this such capitalistic name.
"Yes, John Louise Forrester, I heard you! Everybody in the whole class heard you!" He was embarrassed by his middle name no doubt.
“It’s pronounced Louis!” He demanded wi
th a fist full of power.
The class erupted with laughter; I tried not to convey a smile. His nose flared, jaw tight, like a man would do. Aaron high five’s me, classic move.
"I'm sorry my class isn't as interesting as watching those young fellas run around with their shirts off." The class laughed harder, and his face went bleak red.
"What makes you think I was staring at them?" I acted amazed, but we all knew how this would end.
"Well, Autumn, I suppose you would like to tell Mr. Rowland how interested you are in the opposing sex.” His remarks were unnecessary. “I'm sorry I don't teach hunky dudes 101!" He pronounced so suddenly, my thoughts already a glare; does every teacher at this public school have it out for me?
"Well, well, well. I am curious who you are referring to as hunky dudes, because I think that is 9th grade P.E. Unless you enjoy the opposite sex going through their squeaky voice stage. If that’s the case, that's cool, but they’re a little immature for my taste." I shrug as if I fought every day so hard to be in this class. OH’s broke out around the large classroom, I smiled wildly.
"Autumn! OFFICEIO!" He pointed and demanded, as if this were Spanish class.
"No, I can't. I got to go to movie classo. If I go to the office then I can't watch a film documented on someone’s excuse to be a part of some sort of society." Being serious now, just as the bell rang, saving me.
"Just go AUTUMN!" He shouted into the hallway, as I got a standing ovation from my fellow students. Expressions from his annoyance made it clear he showed disappointment that I was not like my elder sister. With an objectifying wink I stroll out of class.
"What's that about?" Jenks asked as I got another pat on the back.
"I was checking out the 9th grade boys P.E. class. Forrester caught me fantasizing." I smiled with a shrug.
“What?” My remarks catching him off guard.
“I’m kidding.” I winked as he led us to the next class. We sat on a couch, and I pulled out my red tablet trying to finish my poem for the mid-term final. I re-read the last few lines, not noticing the movie starting. Japanese movie week, today something or other about a moving castle.
Opening to a blank page to finish this pathetic poem I cannot get away out of me. I start to focus on things I am actually good at:
I understand the end of things, which usually do not halt in good.
I know now, all too well that I am merely the prop in that masterpiece, not the prize in the welcoming horizon.
I step to my right, I lean to my left.
I look both ways before crossing, like I was taught as a child.
She stands on one side and I stand on the other.
That is not my path, it is only hers.
I cannot follow, where my foot prints will not stay.
I am the leader in my own charade.
I would only be a player on her side of the tracks.
Defeated at the end of the coming scene.
Decreasing with moral and standard, because I was not the victor in your play, my sister.
I stop for a moment watching a part of the movie. A magician is melting for some reason or another. His hair was orange reddish, but now is black. He is crying and now he tells himself, I see no point in living, if I can't be beautiful.
"You and me both." I whisper, but Jenks overhears.
"What did you say?" Confused by my comment.
"Umm...I was just thinking about my poem." I smile as a cover; he puts his arm around my shoulder. PDA is most acceptable in Mrs. Challey's classroom. On the projected screen a woman is shouting now.
"You think you have it rough, I have never been beautiful in my whole entire life." She stomps away as old women do and begins to cry in the tormenting rain.
I stare at the words that don’t make sense to me, that may have made any intellect. My strength in surviving weakens and lightens with every increasing word. She has never been a part of me, and I was never attached to her being. I was alone, as I was solo born, no twin attached.
I do not belong there and she holds no permanent place here, but as a guest in my life and I in hers.
I may push her out; I may build a wall to keep her out and everyone beside her.
The choice, mine when I come along some place and by choice I have abandoned my soul.
I have to go forward; I have no time to look back now.
I have too, because it is what I was born for.
I will stand up, I will go on.
I have too.
I'll hold my head higher; I will embrace my future's cards.
Because one day it will be my day to shine.
She would gladly be there cheering me on my conquest.
I read it all through several times, proud of my accomplishment. I show Jenks and he reads it, like it’s an assignment.
His attitude lifts up as he continues to capture each word with every phrase. He gets to the end and he doesn’t look up at me.
"That bad…” Scared in my tone.
"Autumn J...this is amazing." His voice is low; I see water swirls around his eyes.
"Oh, thank you, Jenks." He held me and cradled my life force; he was enchanted with my words.
"You have such a great talent." His face was closer to mine now.
"Hey! HEY! Jenkins and AJ, let's keep our faces away from each other." Mrs. Challey barked.
"Oh, come on Challey, we all know that if you had a boyfriend and you brought him to school you would be doing the same thing; especially if he was a hunk like Jenks here. Besides I don’t think we are the worst in here." I winked. There were couches slid together beds made out of others and covers over everything. She thought about it for a couple moments.
"True. Just pay attention to the movie." She giggled a little to herself. I faced forward and Jenks kissed me softly.
He held my hand, tracing the lines to our destiny.
Making Love with Our Eyes
24
Can you say I was misled from your virtue? From the curves of unending dramatic tension I alone increased upon myself? This life inside me is mine for the wrecking, mine for the abolishing, don’t you understand as I have so many years ago; I am a contagion of an unnecessary class.
Don’t tell me I was wrong, I was only doing what you asked of me; being someone I never had the capability of becoming. I am estranged from the thoughts of yesterday, looking beyond no tomorrow. I turn and shift every piece of weight I ever did once owe to you; but who owes you?
There was once a romance wasn’t there? A touch of rekindling something or other running beneath our blood streams. Creating a festival of excitement and exaggerated hormones. Making movements in every direction just to get away of the thought or feeling of you. Your deep stare, like somehow you knew what I never wanted to know.
I flinch at the undying notion to make communication of our of statehood. We of all people were wondering when it was to end. The demise was soon felt after the acknowledgment or welcoming antidote of exchanges of names. You wanted this didn’t you, a kiss with a mystery girl whom had never been a part of your world or any universe for that matter. She simple never belonged to be a definite life source. You wanted to take me away to your realm with laughter and love.
I was no prize to be won. No circumstances of you would ever turn me back to where I wanted to go. You couldn’t tell me how it happened. How everyday was a new miracle being born in front of our eyes, were you as I guessed, waiting for the end to finally begin?
Remembering the times when I’d lie so you would leave me alone, so indefinite I could end the morning and evening being solitary. Why do you do this? Making me cringe; I want you. Making me spin out of control; I need you. Would you promise an output any different than the one you have chosen for us, I leave you there, standing in the cold. Still I am in and feel as if I am the one being left. Your face looks unsure and still, myself can compromise as unknowing as well. Do you mean it when you profess I love you.
We are merel
y kids at play. Churning the butter into whip topping on a cake. The candle’s flame wavering in the limelight are we even old enough to feel this much despise? Or even create such encumbering lifestyles of harmony. Take your turn one day to know. I’ve loved you this much, why not so much more.
I don’t want to compromise, making movements surrounding you and somehow lurking around as if we were making love with our eyes. I’d touch your unbarring soul and you’d caress mine. My lips would linger upon yours as if I wanted this to last forever; as if it was going to. You’d lead me away to another fantasy, to another chance at freedom. Remember I was more than a chance at new breath. I saw it in your eyes, me being the one for you. Now I lay beside you, my naked body exposed, my thoughts unsure if I wanted that with you.
Whispers in my ears of doubts and small remarks of hope, of happiness. I couldn’t take the undying knowledge you had over me that somehow you would always know we would end up being with one another.
True.
How much further would a demonstration of our affection take us? Too little to go all the way making this statement of love a visible one. Are we liars? In love with each other’s sadness or devastation. I almost wish for you to turn your gaze from me. I wish also for the stares to end and my days to be brighter. That you may save the moments I have given you and be happy with them.
I am ready if you’re wondering, equipped for the risk taking.
The Tangled Tears Page 6
