by HELEN HARDT
“Does this have anything to do with your uncle? Great-uncle, I mean, who died at Brad’s wedding?”
“If I knew, I’d tell you. Just watch your step around the Steels. They’re good people, but if you cross them, you may just disappear.”
Chapter Eighteen
Dale
Save myself?
That ship sailed as soon as I fell in love with Ashley White. I let loose a thunderstorm that can never be contained.
“I tried to save Donny,” I say, “all those years ago.”
“You were a child yourself, Dale.”
“But he was my responsibility. I was older.”
“I understand.”
“Do you? Does that mean—”
“No,” he says. “Only I have been through something similar to you. My brothers and sister were spared.”
“I just can’t—” My breath catches, and for a moment I wonder if I’ll be able to take in another gulp of air.
“Breathe, Dale. Breathe.”
My father’s voice soothes me. It always has. Those nights I’d wake up in terror, it was he who calmed me. When my mother tried, I cried and cried until she brought my father to me. Only he could chase away the nightmares when I was young.
Now, I’m forced to chase them away myself. I’ve grown stronger. Indeed, I was stable.
Until Ashley.
Now, the chaos of unchecked emotion lives within me daily, and each day, those feelings are harder and harder to control.
“I’ll grant your request,” Dad finally says. “But only for now. Donny will eventually come to me—or to you—and demand the truth. Frankly, I’m surprised it took you both this long.”
“I’m not,” I say.
“Oh?”
“Donny deals with things in a different way than I do. He keeps busy with work, friends, and women. He doesn’t give himself time to dwell on anything unpleasant.”
“And you?”
“I buried it. Buried it along with my emotions, but…”
“But what?”
I exhale, trying to slow the beat of my tumbling heart. “That’s no longer possible.”
Dad smiles. “From where I’m standing, that’s a good thing. Emotion isn’t something to be feared, son.”
“Isn’t it?”
“The bad may be bad,” he says, “but the good… The good is unlike anything you can imagine.”
“But you can’t have one without the other.”
“No, you can’t,” he agrees. “The universe has a duality to it. You can’t escape it.”
“How well I know.”
Dad cocks his head, lifts one eyebrow slightly. He wants to ask me how I know this. I can almost see the words coming together inside his head. But he won’t. He knows better. Dad will never push me. If I want to tell him anything further, it will be on my own terms.
But then he’ll know…
He’ll know the darkness inside me, the demons that have haunted me and that are now close to my surface.
But maybe…just maybe…he’s the one person who will understand.
“I’m in love.”
The words rush out, devoid of emotion.
He smiles. “That’s wonderful.”
“But it’s not.” I grab a fistful of my hair. “Don’t you see? I never let myself feel those things before. I could get close to you, to Donny, the girls. Even Mom to a certain extent. Aunt Mel. But none of those relationships required the all-consuming passion I’m feeling now. That visceral emotion that I kept buried deep. And now that it’s out…”
“You’re afraid of the other side of the coin.”
“Oh, I’m not afraid,” I say. “That’s what terrifies me.”
“Let’s concentrate on the bright side first,” Dad says. “Ashley is the object of your love, I take it?”
I nod. “Ridiculous, I know. I’ve barely known her for a couple of weeks.”
“Does she know how you feel?”
“No. I’ve been… I haven’t been the nicest to her.”
He laughs. My father fucking laughs! But it’s a different kind of laugh. He’s not making fun of me. He’s… Is he understanding me?
“What the hell is funny about this?” I finally say.
“Nothing. Nothing at all. I just see so much of myself in you.” He shakes his head. “We may not share blood, but you’re the most like me of all four of my children. Somehow, I’ve always known this. Now do you see why I had to adopt you and your brother? I had to give you what no one else could.”
The love a son can feel only for a father overwhelms me in that moment. I’ll never be able to repay this man. I can’t even try. The beauty is he doesn’t expect it. Doesn’t want it. He only wants my happiness. Mine and my brother’s and sisters’.
Questions for my father are jumbled in my mind. How did you get through this? How did you make a relationship work? How? How? How?
But I don’t ask them. I’m not sure his answer would help anyway. He and I are two different people.
“Something you need to realize,” he continues, “is that your mother made the same commitment to you that I did.”
“I know that.”
“But you’ve never felt close to her.”
I sigh. “It’s not the way I want it. We’re just…different, I guess. Aunt Mel says it’s okay. You’ve told me it’s okay.”
“It is. Even your mother has accepted it now.”
“I’m sorry I was hard on her. You’re right. I owe her as much as I owe you.”
“You owe neither of us anything. I just wanted to make sure you understood that it wasn’t just me. If your mother hadn’t been all in with the idea of adopting you and Donny, I wouldn’t have pushed it.”
My eyes widen.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he goes on. “I wanted you two more than anything. But marriage is a two-way street. I couldn’t have given you what you needed without Jade’s full support.”
“I never doubted her love for me.”
“No, I don’t think you have. She has doubted your love for her, though. She doesn’t anymore. Jade was young, only twenty-five, when we took you boys in. She was still a child herself in some ways. Sure, she was ready to have an infant, but maybe not quite ready to have a troubled ten-year-old.”
I sigh. “I know, Dad. I’ve been over and over this in my own mind. Believe me.”
“I believe you have. Your mother rose to the occasion. She has a strength inside her that is tougher than anything. In her way, she’s stronger than I am.”
I lift my eyebrows. “I find that difficult to believe.”
“I don’t think you’ve ever really seen the truth of who your mother actually is. She’s brilliant.”
“I know that.”
“Do you? The two of you don’t click, and that’s not the fault of either of you. It happens with parents and children sometimes. I’m not asking that you change your relationship with her. Just look beyond what you know of her. See what’s inside.”
“And then…” My mind whirls. “And then I’ll understand why you love her so much. Which will…”
Dad’s dark eyes light up. “You read me better than I read myself sometimes, Dale. You’re right. It will help you understand your love for Ashley.”
I scoff. “It’s incomprehensible.”
“Is it? She’s beautiful. Brilliant. A lot like your mother in many ways.”
“She’s nothing like Mom.”
“Not in looks, no. But think about who she is inside. Understand why I was so drawn to your mother, and you’ll understand better why you’re drawn to Ashley.”
“It’s completely different. Mom was… Well, she’d been left at the altar.”
“True. Which made her resistant to another relationship so soon.”
“Then how…?”
“It was a bumpy ride at first. But the heart wants what the heart wants, Dale. There’s not a lot of rhyme and reason to it in the beginning sometimes. If you dig deeper, you�
��ll see that the heart and head can be in agreement.”
I shake my head. “I hardly know Ashley.”
“You know her better than you think you do.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because you’re very stingy with your affection, Dale, but you’re giving it to her. Somewhere inside you, you know she’s worth it.”
I rub at my temples, trying to soothe the headache that erupts whenever I try to make sense of my emotions. “I’m still being stingy with my affection. And damn, it’s difficult with her. I want to give her everything.”
“What’s stopping you?”
The monster inside me. The chaos. The ride into hell.
But I don’t say any of this to my father. Instead, “What do I do now?”
“My best advice?” He smiles. “Don’t fuck it up.”
My father, as usual, doesn’t mince words, but it’s advice I fear I won’t be able to heed. I don’t know how to love Ashley. Not the way she wants me to.
And what I want from her… She won’t know how to give her love to someone like me.
The buzz of my phone interrupts my thoughts. It’s a group text from Brock.
Dad and I are heading into town for a drink at Murphy’s. Anyone want to join?
Dad glances at his phone, presumably at the same text.
“I could use a cold one.” He points to his eye. “You up for it?”
Given that Ashley is no doubt out with Brendan Murphy this very minute, I’m up for it.
“Absolutely.” I shove my phone back into my pocket after texting that Dad and I will join. “Let’s go.”
Chapter Nineteen
Ashley
Chills skitter over my flesh.
If you cross them, you may just disappear.
Brendan’s warning doesn’t sound like any of the Steels I know. Everyone’s been perfectly kind to me. All except the one I’m in love with, that is.
Faked deaths? Faked documents?
What the actual fuck?
I drop my fork onto my plate with a clatter.
“You’re kidding, right?” I finally say.
“In a manner of speaking. I like the Steels. But I can’t deny the fact that there are a lot of secrets about them that no one knows.”
“So you don’t think I’m in any danger?”
“No, of course not. Just stay on their good side.”
“Was your great-uncle ever on their bad side?” I ask with wide eyes.
“I honestly don’t know. I don’t think so. I mean, he was Brad Steel’s best man.”
“Then his death was an accident.”
“Maybe. But he was a healthy and robust twenty-two-year-old. How many healthy and robust twenty-two-year-olds drop dead at weddings?”
I don’t have an answer for him. So I decide to change the subject back to my own person of interest.
“Tell me more about Dale in high school.”
“He was bright. Really smart. But he hated sitting in a classroom. He was fidgety all the time. In the earlier years, the teachers were pretty lenient with him. I’m not sure why. Any of the rest of us would have gotten detention for what he pulled.”
“What exactly did he pull?”
“Nothing horrible, but he distracted the class a lot. He tapped his pencil on the desk nonstop. Or he squirmed in his seat. Stuff like that.”
“That hardly sounds like anything abnormal.”
“It’s not abnormal…for a five-year-old. An eleven-year-old should be able to sit still.”
“Maybe he had ADHD,” I say, but I know already Dale doesn’t have ADHD. If he did, it would have been diagnosed and treated long ago.
“I remember talking to my mom at the time, and that was her response as well. But he didn’t have the other symptoms of ADHD. He didn’t have problems focusing, just sitting still.”
“Did it get better?”
“Eventually. By high school he was able to sit through classes. But during passing periods he ran laps around the school building. Seriously.”
I widen my eyes. “Wow. Really?”
“Yeah. It was the strangest thing. He never stayed for any extracurricular activities.”
“You just said he attended dances.”
“He did. But he didn’t help plan them. Didn’t play any sports. Didn’t participate in any clubs. Not that we had a lot of options at Snow Creek High.”
“He didn’t go to college…” I murmur, more to myself than to Brendan.
“He did for a semester,” Brendan says. “We went to Mesa together in Grand Junction. But it wasn’t for him.”
“He needed to be outdoors,” I say.
“Maybe. But like I said, he didn’t play any sports at school, despite being built like a tree trunk. The football coach was after him since he was a freshman. Football would have given him a lot of time outdoors.”
Except not the kind of time he craved. I know this already. Dale couldn’t be part of a team. Couldn’t depend on others. He needed the solitude of his vineyards. Of the vast acreage of the ranch.
I take another bite of my pie and chew it slowly, my mind racing.
“He’s a strange bird,” Brendan continues. “Strange, but a good guy.”
I swallow the peach goodness. “Did you ever try to find out why he was the way he was?”
“Not really. He wouldn’t let anyone close enough to even venture to ask that question.”
Sounds like Dale, all right. “What about his younger brother?”
“Donny was different. Much more outgoing. He was three years younger than me, so I never knew him very well, but he was a star tight end on the football team his senior year.”
“Snow Creek High actually had enough students to put together a football team?”
“Barely,” he laughs. “That’s why Coach was so adamant about Dale playing. He’s a natural athlete, but he wanted no part of it.”
I nod, taking another bite of the flaky peach pie.
“He comes to the bar every now and then.”
I swallow. “Who? Dale?”
“Yeah. Sometimes with his dad. With Donny, if he’s in town. Occasionally with one of his cousins. He always orders his own wine.”
“Like Jade did last night.”
“Yeah. I’ve said before, the Steels do a lot for this community.”
“Yet the community still gossips about them.”
He laughs raucously. “Touché. But you’re doing your share of gossiping tonight too.”
“I’m not,” I say with mock sincerity. “I’m just listening.”
“Why all the questions about Dale?” Brendan asks.
My cheeks heat instantly. “I work with him. That’s all.”
“How is he to work with?”
“Good.” I take another bite of pie.
“That doesn’t sound too convincing,” Brendan says after swallowing.
“He knows a ton about wine. He may know more than I do, which is strange given I’ve studied wine for years.”
“He’s worked with wine, though. And he learned from Ryan. My dad always said Ryan was a genius.”
“He is, but Dale is no less so.” I gouge the last piece of pie crust with my fork.
“You think?”
I nod. “I know. He understands the process in an almost intimate way, beginning with each bud on the grapevine and ending with award-winning wine in a bottle. It’s like… It’s like it’s all part of him, in a way.”
“I can see that,” Brendan agrees. “Dale was always kind of cerebral. He didn’t like school, but he was good at it, if that makes sense.”
“He didn’t like being stuck in a classroom,” I say. “The ranch is his classroom now. The vineyards. The winery. The tasting room. All where he can stretch out and move to his heart’s content.”
“How do you know all this about Dale?” he asks. “You ask so many questions, but you seem to know him a lot better than I do after twenty-five years.”
An unintended smil
e edges onto my face. “He and I are… We’re just…alike in some ways.”
Brendan rolls his eyes. “Fuck.”
“What?” I raise my eyebrows.
“I don’t have a chance with you, do I?”
My mouth drops open. Am I that obvious?
“I know the look of a woman whose heart belongs to someone else. I’ve seen it a few times before.”
This time I smile again, though embarrassment is the cause. “Dale and I aren’t involved.”
“But you’d like to be.”
“He’s made it clear that it won’t happen.”
Brendan shakes his head. “He’s nuts, then.”
I sigh once more, still playing with the last piece of pie crust on my plate. I’ve reduced it to crumbs. “I think I’m the one who’s nuts. You’re a nice guy, Brendan.”
He clutches his chest, teasing. “Always my fate. I’m the nice guy.”
“I mean it as a compliment. You’re smart and good-looking as all get-out. Plus, you’re baggage-free, from what I can tell.”
“Maybe not free, but a lot less than Dale Steel, I’d wager.”
“See?” I finally rest my fork on the pie plate. “I’m nuts. And for the record, if Dale weren’t a factor, I’d be all over you.”
No lie there.
“I suppose you’re going to tell me we can be friends.”
“I’d like that.”
He laughs. “I’ll take what I can get. It was fun getting to know you, Ashley.”
“You too.” I stand. “I suppose I should be going.” I actually want to stay, to try to get more information about Dale, but that’s not fair to Brendan.
He stands as well. “I’ll walk you down to your car.”
“Thanks. And thanks so much for sharing the Latour with me. It was lovely.”
“I only share good wine with people who appreciate it,” he says, “and you’re certainly in that category.”
I smile. In that moment, Brendan Murphy is very attractive, and I wonder what kissing him might be like.
But the thought drifts away when Dale’s image surfaces in my mind.
And I know I don’t want to kiss anyone but him. Ever.
