“No, no, just a misunderstanding. It was the princess who prayed to Celesta to bring me back, and if she had any ill will toward me, she wouldn’t have done it.”
“Wouldn’t she though? Her handmaiden tells us you’ve been sent on a dangerous quest, and that be soundin’ like somethin’ a scorned woman would do.”
I laughed with him, and then I realized what he’d just said. “Wait, did you say her handmaiden told you?”
“Aye, Hannah,” he said as we reached the big iron gates.
“Hello, Jake,” said a familiar voice.
Hannah grinned and waved at me with a “Fuck you very much” look on her face.
“Sweeeet!” said Doughboy as he farted his way over to her and jumped in her arms.
“What the hell? How did you get here before us?” I asked, totally perplexed.
“I guess I’m just a faster rider than you,” she said nonchalantly.
That got a laugh from the dwarven fellows gathered around like we were the best show on Tarth.
“Can I talk to you?” I said out of the corner of my mouth. “In private?”
She tapped her chin, pretended to think about it for a minute, and said, “No, you cannot.” Then she haughtily walked through the iron gates.
“Quite a spitfire ye got there,” said Garthor. “Reminds me o’ the princess, she does.”
“Me too.” I followed the procession. “I swear she could be her sister.”
We walked through the city and then got on the infamous dwarven railway system we’d used the last we’d been here. Doughboy sat with Hannah the entire time, and she planted herself as far away from me as possible, refusing to even look at me. Garthor talked my ear off the entire time, preventing me from speaking with her.
“What do you know about Gorrcon?” I asked in the middle of one of his battle stories.
The entire railcar became silent, and the handful of dwarves inside glanced my way worriedly.
“I’d be careful throwin’ that name around,” Garthor said quietly. “Folks tend to do funny things when they hear it.”
“I’m not throwing it around,” I said loud enough for all to hear. “I have reason to believe he’s back.”
“Ye shut yer mouth!” one of the soldiers barked.
“Mind yer damned mouth,” Garthor yelled back. Then, turning to me, he said. “What’s this ye say?”
“I’m on a quest to find the Badlands ranger, Scarlett Black. She went missing, and Doughboy said he saw a demon take her.”
“There be demons and demon summoners on the other side o’ the wall. Why do ye think that hated warlock’s got anythin’ to do with it?”
“Because Red Black thinks so, and if anyone’s an authority on the subject, I imagine it would be him.”
“Red Black, ye say?”
The railcar came to a sudden, jarring halt, and Hannah yipped when she was thrown into the dwarf beside her. But her collision was cushioned by Doughboy, and the two waltzed out of the big metal car without so much as a glance at me.
“What a little traitor.” I shook my head.
“The little guy’s taken a likin’ to her.” Garthor laughed. “Can ye blame him?”
We walked the long halls for nearly twenty minutes and climbed up endless flights of winding stairs. Hannah walked far ahead. If she thought I was going to go running after her with questions and apologies, she was out of her mind.
When we finally reached the king’s halls, my legs were sore as hell, and I was covered in sweat. Hannah kept laughing at Doughboy’s ridiculous antics and acted like she had not a care in the world. I thought of Garthor’s previous comments and realized that not only was she a lot like the princess, she was worse!
The dwarf king appeared to be a fan of gold leaf, because every inch of his high-ceilinged audience hall was almost completely covered in it. Where the fine golden leaf didn’t cover the walls, there were huge paintings of kings of old, the banners of the many dwarven clans, and the flags of Zenfindel and other nearby countries. The floor was made of highly polished gold bricks, and walking on them made me feel like pretty hot shit.
As we crossed the ridiculously wide, gilded hall, the massive throne loomed before us. When I say massive, I mean ab-so-fucking-lutely gigantic! It was three stories high and looked like a giant dick. There were even two huge golden balls at the bottom of the staircase, which ran along what would have been the underside of the phallus.
A short dwarf in scholarly robes floated toward us, one hand held up as though he were swearing over a bible and the other holding a long bedazzled scepter.
“Welcome to the hall of the great, the revered, the blustery wind of the east, the guardian of the great divide, the master of Monster Bane, the godly dwarf, whose titles stretch from here to the Eye of Roxxor, King Havrok Korvah!”
“What is the eye of Roxxor?” I whispered to Garthor.
“Ye be knowin’ it as the Eye o’ Thodin, I be reckonin’.”
“Ah.”
“Shh!” Hannah hissed.
“Not sweet!” said Doughboy. The little fucker even scowled at me like she did.
“I am Rhunewynn, master of the word, the way, and the light. Thank you for coming.” He bowed, and I glanced at Garthor. He silently urged me to bow, and together we returned the gesture.
Trumpets suddenly blared in the grand chamber, and I just about sharted as I jerked erect.
High atop the throne, the king stood and slowly made his way down the gilded steps. His robe trailed behind him, long and red and gold, with scarlet hem work and golden tassels that hung over the sides of the magnificent phallus.
He took about a year to get to the bottom, which was fifty yards away from us, and when he did I could finally make out his appearance. He looked to be in his fifties, with a braided red and brown beard that hung to his portly belly. Speaking of which, that belly was big. If he were female, I would have guessed he was three months past due. He looked in his forties, which I assumed meant he had been a young boy when Gorconn’s reign of terror was going on.
Four dwarves emerged from behind the gilded balls at the bottom of the throne and slid a smaller throne behind His Holiness’s ass.
Hannah was eating it up. She stood, her back straight as a two-by-four, shoulders back, chest out, chin up. Beside her, little Benedict Arnold mimicked her pose.
The king sat, and Phunewynn guided us with flamboyant grace toward his liege. Then, like Pat Sajak indicating where a contestant should stand for that dramatic final spin, he pointed at the floor and told us to halt.
We stopped ten feet from the king, and he regarded us with wary interest.
“Jake Baker,” he said in a voice that was not as deep as I would have guessed, given his gruff appearance. And it had a regal accent to it. “I have been keen to meet you.”
“Thank you, your, er, my liege,” I said with a bow.
“My lord,” said Hannah and also bowed. “I apologize for Sir Jake’s—”
“Who are you?” said King Havrok, as if he were a rock star and she had somehow snuck into his dressing room.
“She’s with me, Your Highness. That is Hannah, handmaiden of Princess—uh, Priestess Evangeline.”
“And this must be the indomitable Doughboy.” The king got up and walked over to my doughy buddy, and for a moment a wave of panic washed over me as I imagined him eating the king’s face.
Now I know how dog owners feel when strangers get all up in their animal’s face.
“I’ve heard quite a lot about you, little one.”
“Sweeeet!” said Doughboy, with big anime eyes.
The king chuckled and looked up at me. “Tell me, Sir Jake, what brings you back to my kingdom?”
“I’m on a quest to find the ranger, Scarlett Black.”
“Black, you say?” He rubbed his chin. “Of Clan Black, I presume?”
“Yes. Doughboy says a demon took her. We think Gorrcon is behind it.”
“Gorrcon!” His voice boomed throu
gh the chamber, and his eyes went wide with fear. “You must be mistaken, lad. Gorrcon was defeated long ago, when my father was the king of these mountains.”
“My intention is to find out, sire.”
“Such dark tidings you bring to my audience chamber.” He scowled, then rubbed his belly. “Your words have made me hungry. Let us dine and speak no more about it. There are many questions I have about your home world.”
We dined with him in a grand hall no less decorated than the audience chamber, and after answering a number of questions about Earth, I changed the topic to the disappearance of members of Clan Black.
But the king wanted nothing to do with such conversation. He dismissed my worries with a wave of his bedazzled hand and continued to gorge himself on the fancy fare set before us.
I was more than a little disappointed to meet the king. I’d expected a badass, gruff bastard like Gimli from The Lord of the Rings, but instead I’d me a pampered king who likely hadn’t seen battle in his lifetime. Hannah, on the other hand, seemed quite smitten with him, and as the dinner progressed, he took a liking to her as well.
By the time I finished eating, I was feeling pretty buzzed from all the heavy dwarven ale, and I couldn’t help but press the issue of Gorrcon’s return. “My liege, if what Red has predicted is true, what will the dwarves do to stop Gorrcon’s rise?”
He blanched and stuffed his face with roasted chicken. “I assure you the warlock has not returned.”
“But if he has, what aid can you give the Blacks?”
He was getting annoyed by the line of questioning, but frankly, I didn’t give a shit. The dwarves of the Monster Bane Mountains were the last defense against the horrors of the Badlands, and his dismissive attitude was pissing me off.
“Sir Jake,” he said evenly. “Clan Black is always stirring up trouble and making fanciful claims of the dangers that exist beyond the mountains. I can assure you, the Badlands no longer harbor the terrors of the past.”
“Have you ever been beyond the mountain pass?” I asked, and Hannah nearly choked on her food.
The king gazed at me calmly. “What does that matter?”
“I have been to the Badlands, sir, and I can tell you it is not as tame as you make it out to be. From what I know of Red Black, he is a man of his word. If he says Gorrcon has returned, I think it is worth looking into—”
“You have ruined my dinner,” he said wearily and dropped his half-eaten chicken leg onto his silver plate. The sound echoed through the silent room, and Hannah shot me a look of warning.
“My apologies, but this is serious.”
“Serious?” The king scowled. “You come to my world, travel to my mountain, eat from my table, and you have the audacity to tell me what is serious and what is not? You think the word of a magical pile of dough and the rumors of that scoundrel Red Black are enough for me to launch an expedition into the Badlands?”
“Yes,” I said bluntly.
“Sire, what Jake means is—”
“What I mean is what I say,” I told her.
There was a long silence, and I wondered if I’d gone too far.
“What I can do for you, Sir Jake Baker from Earth, is offer you our blacksmith’s best armor and wish you well. You deserve that for killing the Goblin King. But I have no doubt that once you travel to the Badlands, you will find your worries are unfounded.”
“For everyone’s sake, I hope you’re right.”
The king took his leave, grumbling about Clan Black and meddling foreigners, and Hannah and I were led to our separate quarters by servants. I brought a cask of dwarven ale with me and paced the small subterranean room as I bitched to Doughboy about the king.
Hannah burst into my room shortly after, looking all worked up. “I cannot believe you,” she said, hands on hips and a scowl on her pretty face.
“Go home, Hannah. You shouldn’t even be here.”
“I was instructed to travel with you to the Badlands by Evangeline, and by the gods, I’m going to.”
“Why?” I asked when she forced herself in front of me and stopped my pacing. “What’s the fucking point?”
“To… to ensure that you—”
“That I what? Don’t fool around with any women? Why the hell would the princess send you into the Badlands?”
“I do not ask my mistress such questions. I obey her orders.”
“Yeah, well, maybe you should ask.” I walked around her and continued to pace.
Once again she got in my way. “You should not have spoken to the king like that.”
“Why not? This is serious shit, and he acts like a scared little bitch who doesn’t want to hear the truth. What kind of dwarf king is he, anyway? I thought the dwarves have been keeping the monsters at bay for centuries.”
“They have, but there has not been an attack since Havrok was a young boy. He is not like his father, who died defending the mountain pass when Gorrcon and his minions attacked.”
“Ah, that’s why he got so pissed. Daddy issues. But you’d think he’d want to get to the bottom of it.”
“I’m sure you can understand his hesitation.”
“Actually, I can’t.” I scoffed. “Why does he think Red’s such a scoundrel?”
“Didn’t the man push you over a ledge into a crowd of goblins?” Hannah asked with a look that seemed to say checkmate.
“How did you know that?”
“Eva told me.”
“That’s true, but this feels different.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to clear my mind. “Red defeated Gorrcon the first time, right? So what’s with the king’s animosity toward him?”
“Jake, there are things you do not know.”
“Then enlighten me.”
Hannah hesitated and then said, “Red killed King Havrok’s father. That is how he got an audience with Gorrcon.”
“Oh shit.” I took another long pull of ale. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me that?”
“I might have gotten to it, but you abandoned me on the road.” She was fuming, but I couldn’t have cared less. I was trying to wrap my mind around the events of Gorrcon’s demise.
“So Red infiltrated Gorrcon’s ranks, then he killed the dwarf king. What was his name?””
“Raygar.”
“Red killed Raygar, gained an audience with Gorrcon, then assassinated him. Is that about right?”
She nodded.
“No wonder Havrok hates him, and that explains why Red and the Blacks aren’t talked about on the mainland, not in the context of heroes, anyway.”
“Some dwarves also claim Raygar was already dying, and he told Red to finish him off so he could gain an audience with Gorrcon.”
“Really?”
“Yes, but the topic is taboo, and I would advise you do not go around asking about it. You’re likely to get yourself banned from traveling through the pass.”
“I guess we’re not going to get any help from the dwarves.” I drank more ale.
“You should not be drinking so much. We have a long road ahead of us in the morning.”
“Wrong, sweetheart. I have a long road. You’re going back to the temple.”
“I will do no such thing. Eva tasked me with—”
“Eva is a spoiled brat who doesn’t know better than to send her handmaidens into the Badlands, and for what? To keep tabs on me. Doesn’t it piss you off that she’s using you like that?”
Hannah scoffed. “You’re so full of yourself. The priestess is not trying to keep tabs on you.”
“What other purpose could you possibly serve? You’re not a warrior, you have no magic, and I don’t need anyone to empty my chamber pot!”
“You’re a rude brute of a man!” she wailed and ran out of the room.
I glanced at Doughboy, who’d been watching the exchange from the foot of my bed. “Can you believe this chick?”
“Not sweeeet,” he said, and gave me a look that suggested I was being a dick.
“You can’t be
suggesting we take her with us to the Badlands.”
“Not sweeeet,” he said again and rolled over to face the wall.
“You’re both fucking drama queens,” I said and finished my beer.
I might have been a little drunk, but I didn’t for a minute think I was out of line.
I don’t remember going to sleep, but I woke up some time later, face down in the pillow, to the soft sound of Hannah’s voice.
“Jake?”
I groggily came to and rolled over. There was a lone candle burning across the room, and Hannah’s naked silhouette stood in the middle of the room.
“What are you doing?”
She took a hesitant step closer, and my attention sharpened.
“Do you think I’m beautiful?”
I rubbed my eyes, wondering if I was dreaming. When I looked again, she was at the edge of the bed. The sight of her naked form awakened my libido, but the strangeness of the encounter was hard to ignore. “Yes, I think you’re beautiful.”
“Do you want me?” she asked, touching her breast, then moving her hand down her flat stomach. “Do you want to bed me like you bedded Scarlett?”
“Hannah….”
She climbed into bed and straddled me. She took my hands and placed them on her breasts. My cock stirred.
“Forget about Eva. Forget about Scarlett,” she whispered. “I’m right here.”
She kissed me deeply and pulled the sheet out from between us. I must have undressed before I crashed, because I was bare-assed.
Hannah rested her warm mound on my swollen cock and took in a passionate breath. “Make love to me, Jake.”
I pulled her down and kissed her, gyrating slowly and rubbing my dick against her, edging toward her opening. I was overcome by passion. Her soft skin, the ambient light, the sensation of her soft wet folds rubbing my cock—it was all too much for me to ignore, and I maneuvered the head of my cock between her pussy lips.
Then I realized she was crying and stopped. “Hannah, what’s wrong?”
She jumped off me, grabbed her nightdress, and ran out, balling.
“What the fuck?”
I got out of bed and wrapped the sheet around my waist. I emerged from the room and caught a glimpse of her turning the corner. “Hannah? Stop!”
Monster World 2 Page 6
