This lesson will help you evaluate what changes you need to make in order to naturally attract a Really Great Woman (RGW). While you are doing this, you have to continue putting the lie to your old self-limiting beliefs that have convinced you that a RGW can’t love you just as you are. This isn’t a contradiction.
You have to work at being the kind of man a woman would want AND accept yourself just as you are.
Bad daters often create a paradox for themselves. Because of their self-limiting beliefs, BDs don’t think a RGW would want them due to all of their perceived faults and flaws. Yet they often won’t do anything to improve themselves or address their perceived weaknesses. BDs will often obsess about being overweight, bald, disorganized, uninteresting, or bad with money. They use these SLBs to justify not interacting with women yet won’t take proactive measures to do what they can to improve themselves.
Women probably won’t reject you for all the reasons you have convinced yourself they will, yet they do expect you to bring something to the table. This isn’t a contradiction, it is a truth that successful daters understand. Most women don’t care if you are bald or carrying a few extra pounds, but they expect you to make the best of what you’ve got!
If this makes sense to you, you are on your way to a really great life with tons of potential for attracting some really great women!
The Currency of Attraction
David DeAngelo, the creator of “Double Your Dating” makes the assertion that “attraction is not a choice.” I agree with this.
People are attracted to one another for all kinds of unconscious reasons that often make very little sense and at times, defy logic and rationality. Trying to predict what one person will be attracted to in another person is futile and frustrating. Don’t try.
So, what is the currency of attraction? What is there about you and your life that women might find interesting? While I won’t assert that any one thing will attract women, a good rule of thumb is to work on developing all the traits you would like your ideal partner to possess.
If you want a self-confident woman who takes good care of herself, develop those traits in yourself. If you want an honest woman, become an honest man. If you want a passionate, expressive woman, become that yourself.
If you are 40-pounds overweight, can’t make eye contact with women, and spend most of your free time at home surfing the internet, don’t expect attractive, active women to be attracted to you.
Become what you want to attract. That’s the way it works.
Understand What Women Want
Women are both security seeking creatures and sensual creatures. Most men don’t understand the significance of these two realities. Men tend to approach the world analytically – as a problem to be solved. The biggest mistake bad daters make is to assume women are just like them.
If you haven’t noticed, women tend to be highly influenced by their feelings. That is because the female brain is wired to experience life through all five senses (as opposed to the one or two senses the male brain uses).
For example, being “nice” doesn’t turn women on. Even when they proclaim they want to find a “nice guy,” “nice” doesn’t make women feel secure and doesn’t activate their senses in a powerful way. They may think they want a nice guy, but biology prevents them from actually being attracted to a passively, pleasing man. Successful daters understand this reality and take advantage of it (I know this information is really unsettling to you right now, but hold on to yourself and keep reading).
If you keep these two facts in mind – women are security seeking creatures and sensual creatures – then you will better understand what you have to bring to the dating table to naturally attract the kind of women you want. You may interpret this to mean that in order to appeal to a woman, you have to be rich, spend a lot of money, and give her nice things. This is typical BD thinking and is wrong.
As security seeking creatures and sensual creatures, women are attracted to what makes them feel good and gives them a sense of well-being. If you take advantage of this reality, you will never lack for dates and you will greatly increase the odds of finding a Really Great Woman!
As a marriage therapist, I’ve been listening to women tell me what they want (and don’t want) from men for over 30 years. I’ve taken these principles and tested them with women I’ve dated. I’ve taken polls from random women all over the world. Here is what I’ve found over and over again from women of all ages and backgrounds.
What a woman wants:
•A man whom she can trust.
•A man who makes her feel secure.
•A man who can set the tone and take the lead.
•A man who has passion.
•A man who can make her laugh.
•An intelligent man (not just analytical).
•A man who is generous and compassionate.
•A man who is socially aware.
•A man who has a healthy sense of self.
•A man who takes good care of himself.
•A man who is honest and transparent.
•A man who can reveal what he is thinking and feeling.
•A man who has integrity.
•A man who can admit fault and laugh at himself.
•A man who embraces his masculinity.
•A man who has good guy friends.
•A man who is comfortable with his sexuality.
Women find these traits attractive because they make them feel secure and “good.” Notice that none of these traits have anything to do with being tall, good looking, or rich. Most women aren’t looking for the perfect man, but they do want a man who understands their need to feel safe and their need for beauty, passion and sensuality.
Here is a true story. A woman emailed me after listening to one of my podcasts where I talk about men bringing the following traits to their relationship: Consciousness, honesty, transparency, and leadership (setting the tone and taking the lead). She asked me if men really could show up and consistently manifest these four traits. When I assured her that a mature man can, here is what she wrote in response:
“I honestly think you should begin a dating service for the guys who do your course. They would seriously be inundated with options. A guy who is focused on being conscious, honest, transparent and taking the lead??!? I mean, hello. Women would go nuts. I talked about these four principles with a good woman friend of mine today her entire body lit up! It's nuts.”
Look over these traits I’ve listed above. Ask yourself if there are any that you can’t realistically develop with just a little introspection and effort. This is what I mean about challenging your self-limiting beliefs AND putting some effort into what you have to offer to a potential RGW.
Challenge Your SLBs
Warning! The following information might initially feel overwhelming. It will probably trigger your self-limiting beliefs that you have to get it all together before you can attract the kind of women you want. Don’t listen to these voices, they are distorted.
Your SLBs and board of directors don’t want you to get a life and attract lots of really great women. A part of your mind wants you to feel defeated and keep doing what you’ve been doing. It is familiar territory. It is low anxiety. Challenging yourself to create a full life will take you into new, unknown, and frightening places. It will trigger anxiety and fear.
Replace those old, familiar self-limiting beliefs with new beliefs that proclaim that you don’t have to be perfect. You can get out there AND date WHILE you are working on yourself. Tell yourself that you don’t have to do everything at once, you can handle change, you can handle happiness, and you can handle having a RGW (or several RGWs) in your life.
What you think is what you will be and what you will attract. How many women will you attract by telling yourself that you are worthless? If you are going to tell yourself something, why not positive messages? Why would a woman be attracted to a guy who doesn’t think very highly of himself?
How much sens
e does it make to walk around telling yourself, “I’m boring, unattractive, and have no life”? What woman would ever give you a second look when you are projecting this attitude through your behavior and body language?
Why not walk around telling yourself, “I’m interesting, articulate and any woman would be lucky to have me!”? If you have to pick one, why would you be demeaning to yourself? Why not choose the loving, affirming message?
Don’t expect a really great woman to think more highly of you than you do yourself.
Creating a great life requires you to daily observe and challenge your old SLBs. Don’t worry that you have to do it perfect or do it all now. You’ll spend the rest of your life clearing out the old baggage and discovering how great you really are. Give all the great women out there a chance to find out too!
Make A Great Cake
If you are looking for a woman to fill you up and complete you, you will never feel whole or happy. A woman can’t be the center of your life. She can’t complete you. You have to make a great cake of a life and only then can a woman be the icing on top.
Many BDs often feel victimized by a less than satisfying life, yet most relationship-challenged men rarely take stock of what kind of life they want to live and actively go after it. The core premise of Dating Essentials for Men is that you can let go of self-limiting beliefs and create a fantastic, fulfilling life.
Following the principles in this book won’t just help you get dates, they will help you create a really great life!
Hopefully, you will keep growing, evolving, and challenging yourself until the day you die. This is the recipe for making a great cake. While it takes many ingredients to make a cake, and there are many different kinds of cake, I believe there are a few key ingredients that are essential in order for men to live a great life and attract great women. Again, you don’t have to do these things perfectly, but working at them consistently and keeping them in balance is essential for great cake making.
Key great cake ingredients:
Passion: The first of the key ingredients for a great cake is pursuing your passions in life. This is essential. The only way to have a full life is to pursue your passions through work, hobby and recreation. This doesn’t mean just “working a lot.” It means working and playing at what makes you completely happy and fulfilled.
Masculinity is defined by this passion. I’ve worked with many men who have never discovered or pursued their passions or who have sacrificed them to focus on taking care of the needs of other people. I made the later mistake for the first 25 years of my adult life. Ironically it cost me not only the relationships I had been focusing on, but my own life energy.
As a therapist, I’ve worked with couples where the woman insisted that she should be her man’s number one priority. This is a recipe for disaster. A man must make his passion his number one priority. By doing so, he gives his woman (or women) something to be attracted to. Once he makes something else his number one priority, he loses the masculinity energy that naturally attracts feminine energy.
Passion rule of thumb: Stop doing anything you aren’t doing with passion and start doing everything you do with passion.
Shave with passion. Do the dishes with passion. Drive with passion. Balance your checkbook with passion. Interact with women with passion. Fuck with passion.
Turn every “oh no I have to,” into an “oh boy I get to!”
Guy Friends: Another key ingredient for creating a great life is having good guy friends. I discovered this during my second marriage. I realized at one point that my whole life revolved around my wife and kids. I had no male friends. This was the first thing I decided to work on when I began recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome.
I noticed a significant improvement in the quality of my relationship with my wife when I began building these relationships with men. She would even comment on how much more attracted she was to me when I spent time with men. As a single man, I’ve had women quiz me on a first date about my guy friends because they knew how important this quality is in order to have a good relationship.
Having good buddies is the foundation of your intimate relationships. A good relationship with a woman can only be built on this foundation. Without the foundation of guy friends, a relationship with a woman will become needy and codependent. A woman can’t meet all of your relationship needs. When you have good relationships with men, you won’t put the pressure on a woman to fill you up. Your guy friends will already be doing this for you. Plus, hanging out with men raises your testosterone level – that’s a good thing.
I know that these days you often hear and read about partners being each other’s “best friend.” This sounds great, but it is severely misguided. I don’t believe a person of the opposite sex can truly be a “best friend.”
When couples come to me for marriage counseling, I often tell them during the first session that one of the best things they can for their marriage is for both of them to have good same-sex friends. Men need the masculine connection and women need the feminine connection. No matter how good of a friend a member of the opposite sex may be, they can’t connect with you or understand you in the way a friend of the same sex can.
Say your girlfriend is your best friend. What if you have a fight with her or just need to hash something out about her with your best friend? Who are you going to talk to? If your lover is your best friend, you’re in trouble.
Good relationships need same-sex best friends to help them through stresses and challenging times. Your partner can’t do this double duty for you and you can’t do it for her either!
Building relationships with men is a lifelong agenda. I have found that it is much easier to meet women and create relationships with the opposite sex than it is to meet men and form close relationships. I have also found that as men’s lives change (marriage, divorce, children, work, moves), so do their friendships. That means you have to keep working to make new guy friends and have to work to stay in touch with the ones you have, even when life circumstances change. It takes ongoing effort, but it is worth it.
Regular, Strenuous Exercise: Another essential ingredient for a great life is personal physical fitness that results from regular exercise. I’m talking about four to five days a week of strenuous exercise – sweat pouring of your forehead. It doesn’t matter what you do, but you have to exert yourself on a daily basis. You can run, bike, lift weights, play hoops, practice yoga, play tennis – whatever you enjoy – but it has to be regular and it has to be strenuous.
There are several benefits of this commitment to regular exercise. The first is obvious – it keeps you in shape. There are many consequences for men for not maintaining good physical condition. Not only are there health issues like heart disease and diabetes, but exercising also helps mood and sleep. Of course, there is the psychological benefit of being happy with how you look when you are in shape. If you want a great life, you have to lose your gut and build up your body. As with everything else in life, this requires consistency over time.
Lean Into Challenge: There is at least one more major benefit of regular strenuous exercise. When you are exercising on a regular basis, the same discipline that gets you into the gym every day becomes evident in every other area of your life. You will find that you become more disciplined with your work, with your home, and your life in general. All of these things make you feel better and make you more attractive.
Most NGs and BDs tend to regularly choose comfort over challenge. This is why they often procrastinate, are easily frustrated, do the easy thing rather than the hard thing, fail to live up to their potential, lack discipline, and avoid. It is why they turn to addictions like food, alcohol, and porn. It is why they seek a woman to fill them up.
As long as you are seeking comfort in life, you will never find it. Comfort never satisfies. Seeking comfort will never take you far in life and won’t make you very attractive. It is only through leaning into challenge that you grow, feel complete, and look attractive to the
opposite sex. This is what the discipline of regular, strenuous exercise can do for you.
Additional ingredients for a great cake of a life should include; spiritual practices (meditate, go to therapy, attend a 12 step or men’s group, daily read uplifting and positive books, get all in with your faith, pray, etc.), and giving your gift to the world (give without expectation, walk the planet with integrity, do things for people that they can’t do for themselves, smile).
Putting It All Together
In order to bake a great cake of a life:
•You have to make your life passion your number one priority.
•You have to develop and maintain good guy friends.
•You have to engage in strenuous exercise on a daily basis.
•You have to lean into challenge on a daily basis.
•You have to develop and maintain a spiritual practice.
•You have to give your gift to the world.
If you leave out any of these ingredients or let them get out of balance, you will unconsciously seek something else to fill the void. These fillers like food, alcohol, drugs, porn, a woman, or excessive work will never complete you. Like emotional junk food, all they will do is perpetuate the empty feeling you are hoping they will fill.
Here are some additional ingredients to help create the kind of life you want – the kind of life that will satisfy you and make you attractive to women:
•Get organized
•Keep your car and house clean
•Pay attention to personal grooming
•Create a beautiful space around you (home/office)
•Learn to dance
•Have regular hobbies
•Meditate
•Do it now – eliminate the stress of having things hanging over you
•Get out of debt, save
•Every day – make your bed, do your dishes, hang up your clothes, keep your bathroom picked up
•Limit television and internet surfing
Dating Essentials for Men Page 9
