A profile shouldn’t scream, “pick me, pick me.” The goal of the profile isn’t to impress a woman or make you look like the best man available. A woman isn’t going to read your profile and decide you are the man of her dreams. It is just an introduction.
Typically, a woman will look at the big picture and see if something about the man strikes her fancy. She doesn’t need to know about every accomplishment or every interest you have. Your profile doesn’t have to jump out at a woman, it just has to give her a little snapshot of who you are and do something to create a little buzz. You don’t have to stand out from the crowd (more is not better), you just have to get your foot in the door.
Username
Most online dating sites have you choose a username. Be creative. A woman isn’t going to pick you based just on your username, but she probably won’t get too inspired by usernames like, “bob1154”, or “Seattle07.” Pick something that shows some personality, but that can’t be misinterpreted as negative or sleazy.
Try combinations that incorporate your first name, your job, one of your better attributes or a hobby. Pick a whimsical or clever name. Just be careful about using humor or terms that are so obscure that the average person won’t get them. I would discourage you from using engineering, computer, Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings references (whereas poking a little fun at yourself is okay, i.e., “SciFiGeek”). Have fun, but don’t over think it.
Remember you can change your username as often as you want.
Headline
Your headline is a great way to attract attention to your profile. Since your headline is often one of the first things other members notice, it is one way to make a good first impression. Like a username, a headline probably won’t be the determining factor as to whether or not a woman will contact you, but you also don’t want it to turn her off. On most online sites, when you email a woman, your username and headline will be the only part of the email she initially sees.
Your headline is a great place to present something unique about you, highlight one of your interests or be a little clever or funny. I personally like to use headlines that paint a picture that creates a positive feeling with the reader, “Toes in the sand,” “Knee deep in Vail powder,” or “Sailing the crystal blue waters of the Caribbean.”
I recently looked at some profiles on Match.com for guys my age in my area. Most were dull, boring and predictable but a few were interesting and clever.
Dull and boring:
•“Hi”
•“Let’s talk”
•“GRAPHIX GUY”
•“Giving and receiving love”
•“Angels do appear on Valentine’s day” (gag me - RG)
•“Seeking someone special”
•“As you wish”
•“Easygoing”
•“Looking for you”
•“Greetings”
If you were a woman, would you get excited about any of these?
Clever or intriguing:
•“Not your typical techie” (first picture was him in a wet suit doing something active)
•“Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say and not giving a damn”
•“Rare & Precious Gem Sought to Team for Brilliance, or to just help me write better poetry & headlines?” (I clicked on this one to use as an example of a bad headline, then saw the whole thing – kind of clever. First picture was him on the slopes in ski goggles.)
Do some searching on your own and see if anything inspires you.
Photos
The rules regarding pictures are pretty basic. First, you have to have some. No woman will click on your profile without them. Use more than one and less than four. The pictures should all be high quality. Photos that are fuzzy, out of focus, poorly lit or too far away are all distracting and do nothing to make you look good.
Have a professional or a friend take pictures of you in various situations. Try to avoid looking overly posed.
Don’t use pictures where you have cropped out an ex-girlfriend – no hanging arms. I’m not sure why, but women do the “dangling arm” thing all time. I can’t count how many women’s profiles I’ve seen with a woman with part of an arm or hand showing on her side – the rest of the body is missing. The other thing women seem to do quite a bit is post a shot of them with a girlfriend or two having fun. It often leaves you wondering which one is her and hoping it is the better looking one of the group.
Your “primary” photo is the first thing a woman will see about you in your profile. Your picture should be a recent, quality head shot of you. Dating sites will crop a photo of you to use as your primary, but you will get better results if you upload a head shot (but not one in a suit and tie suitable for business use).
Upload one or two more shots that show your full body. One of these can be of you doing something active. No pictures of sunsets, mountains, etc. A picture of you with your pet, your kayak, snow board, or your Harley are okay because they show things that are important to you. (Several women have told me they are not particularly drawn to photos of men with fish or men drinking beer with their buddies.)
Oh yeah, leave your shirt on.
In general, women are not as influenced by a man’s physical appearance as we guys are of a woman’s. Physical appearance is important to women, but for most, attraction is usually based primarily on how a man “makes them feel.” Your profile pictures are important, but you don’t have to look like Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Usher to get a woman’s attention.
If you are going to be online for a little while, change your primary picture every couple of weeks. A woman may notice you the second time she sees your profile because of a different photo.
Your Personal Profile
Don’t put pressure on yourself to create the perfect essay. Start by simply letting the reader know about you. Think of what you’d say in an email to a long-lost friend you haven’t talked to in ten years to bring them up to speed on your life. Describe your typical day, what your personality is like, and what you like to do for fun.
Look at your life. What do you want to present of yourself? This is where the list I mentioned earlier comes in handy. Use it as a guide to describe you and what you like to do. You can even mention things you would like to try or learn how to do.
Seemingly insignificant details in your profile, no matter how small, can stick in a woman’s mind and create interest. Mention, for example, that you do the New York Times crossword puzzle every Sunday, that last summer you took a trip to Ireland, that you are training for your first triathlon, that you enjoy a certain neighborhood bistro or that you are learning Italian.
When describing these things about you, be specific. Create a visual and sensual picture in the reader’s mind. Instead of “I like to dance,” write “You’ll find me dancing salsa every Saturday night at the Century Ballroom.” Instead of “I like to eat out,” write, “I can’t resist the nachos at 520 on Main Street.” Instead of “I love to travel,” write, “My favorite escape is sitting under a palapa, sipping margaritas on the beach in Puerto Vallarta.”
Paint word pictures. Remember that women are sensual creatures. If you appeal to their senses, you will appeal to their hearts.
In general, I would say don’t tell what you do for a living unless your job is really unique. If your career is an important part of your life, it is okay to indicate this. If you are passionate about what you do, tell the reader why. Just don’t go into deep, technical details. Never say how much you make, even if the profile template on the dating site specifically asks.
Write enough in your profile to show you put some effort into it, but not so much that the woman loses interest and moves on. When writing your profile, the first paragraph is crucial. It might be the only thing a woman reads before she clicks the back button. Keep it short, make it punchy and intriguing. Break up the remaining paragraphs, keep them short.
Don’t try to impress. Be yourself. That’s what you want women to be attract
ed to anyway. Use a little humor, have a little edge. Avoid the temptation to present yourself as a “Nice Guy.” I’ve read some men’s profiles that actually looked like an advertisement for the Nice Guy Syndrome. Many BDs think this is the way to get a woman’s attention. Even though many women claim they are looking for a “nice guy,” biology won’t allow it (more on this subject in other chapters).
Who You’d Like to Meet
Your profile should also describe what are you looking for in a woman. Avoid being so specific that very few women would qualify. This can also make you look picky and shallow. If you are attracted to confidence in women or women who like the outdoors, say so.
Negative language (“I don’t want. . . , I don’t like. . . .”) in your description of who you’d like to meet makes your profile a magnet for exactly the types you’re trying to avoid. This also makes you seem whiney and negative.
Your profile is the place to specify what you do want in a relationship, not what you don’t want. Turn any of your negative statements into positives. Instead of saying “I’m tired of head games,” which translates to, “I’ve got a chip on my shoulder,” try, “Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship for me.”
I have found that many bad daters seek a woman who can boost their low sense of self-worth. While it is normal for men to be attracted to healthy, attractive women, seeking a woman who is much younger than you and much more attractive than you makes you look insecure. Women reading your profile will probably be turned off if you’re 40, yet you only want to date women 20 to 32, or if you’re clearly overweight but specify slender women only.
When a guy’s desired match makes him seem judgmental – like he doesn’t even want to date someone his own age – it comes across in a negative way. How would it come across to you if a woman said she only dated rich guys who can take her nice places?
After you complete your profile, have at least three people look it over (at least one woman). Make sure there are no spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors. Every month or so, change your profile around. Play with it, experiment. Check out other online profiles to get ideas. Change your primary picture. Change your username and headline. Keep your profile fresh and interesting. Most importantly, have fun.
The Invitation
A reality of online dating is that women don’t have to work that hard at it. They don’t have to be proactive. After posting a profile (just a single paragraph if they are attractive), they can sit back and let the contacts pour in. All they have to do is weed out the ones that don’t interest them or the ones from guys who obviously didn’t read their profiles.
Some women will “wink” at you, but don’t count on women making the first contact (unless they are new to online dating or live in Russia or China). If a young, attractive woman contacts you and says she is looking for a nice guy like you, it is probably a come-on from a porn site.
Consider it your job to set the tone and test for interest. Therefore, once you have completed your profile, it is time to start browsing the women’s profiles. Some online sites will send you prospective matches. All have some kind of search engine. Go looking, keeping in mind the qualities you are looking for in a prospective mate.
When you find a woman who intrigues you, write her a short email. Never wink, it is passive and forces the woman to set the tone. When contacting prospective matches, keep it simple. Being a little clever and personal can only help. Most importantly, show that you have read her profile – not just looked at her photos.
The goal of your initial email is to direct her to your profile. Therefore, all you have to do is get her attention, you’re not trying to sell her. Just invite her to take a look at you.
If the woman responds to your email, I suggest responding in your next email with an invitation to meet for coffee, a drink, or a walk in the park. I suggest initially meeting for a simple face to face date for a number of reasons.
First and foremost, the purpose of dating is to get to know a person’s nature. Telling her to meet for something casual is a way of setting the tone and taking the lead. A simple face to face date is the ideal next step for getting to know the person a little better. It is also an effective test of interest. This is also a way to see how flexible and available she is. The initial date is an ideal way to get to rejection as quickly as possible.
Meet as soon as possible. Keep chatting to a minimum. Proposing to meet right away is a way of avoiding one of the biggest pitfalls of online dating – too much chatting via email and phone before meeting. There are at least four major pitfalls of chatting too much before meeting.
•You really can’t get to know much about a person’s nature on the phone or email. You can only discover a person’s true nature by observing them in person. In the past I have chatted a little by email before meeting. I would be intrigued by a woman’s sense of humor and playfulness, only to meet her in person and wonder if her roommate wrote her emails.
•It is easy to fall in “love” with a person you have never met. This is a recipe for disaster (try breaking up with a woman you have gotten close to via the phone and email only to discover on your first date that she is a complete turn off!).
•Chatting is an effective way to play it safe (BDs like this).
•Women who respond to your email may often suggest chatting for a little while to get to know each other before meeting. This is the woman setting the tone from the beginning – never a good idea.
When a woman responds with interest to your initial email, immediately begin to work out the plans for meeting. Suggest a day, time of day and place to meet for coffee or a drink that is convenient for her. If she proposes an alternative day, tell her you will have to get back to her. Wait at least a day and contact her again. If her proposed day and time works for you, set up the date. If you want to test how much she needs to be in control, suggest a completely different time.
When the day, time and location have been established, no more emailing or phone chatting before the date.
Okay, you’ve made a connection and set up a time and place to meet. It’s time to move dating offline and out into the real world. Keep reading for what comes next.
Chapter 13: Commit to Going Out with 12 Women in 12 Weeks
Practice makes perfect.
You have probably heard this truism since childhood. If you want to do anything well and if you want to do it confidently, you have to practice – a lot. Like every other skill, this theorem applies to dating.
As I’ve mentioned, many bad daters have a low frustration level and give up easily when initial attempts at dating don’t go well. As a result, they never get good at all of the skill sets required for successful dating and never develop confidence.
I don’t know about you, but anything that I ever got halfway good at (baseball, soccer, multiplication tables, guitar, writing code, salsa, therapy, public speaking) required two things: a teacher, and lots of practice of the fundamental skills. In time, these skills became second nature.
When it comes to dating, most of us never had a good teacher, therefore whatever skills we developed probably weren’t very effective. Because we didn’t have a good skill set to work from, we didn’t have much success. Since positive experiences tend to motivate us to keep practicing, most of us gave up quickly when we didn’t have immediate success.
The Perfecting Your Practice section of Dating Essentials for Men is geared toward teaching you the skills you need to get the love and sex you want. This lesson in particular outlines a strategy that will get you going practicing what you are learning.
The strategy of this lesson is simple: Challenge yourself to go on 12 dates with 12 different women over the next 12 weeks.
The 12/12 challenge is great for men who have never dated much, who lack confidence, who need to practice dating skills, and/or who have been avoiding dating and need a jump start. The beauty of the 12/12 is that it is simple. There is no agenda or desired outcomes. These dates are all for pract
ice. The 12/12 allows you to go on all kinds of dates with all kinds of women. While doing so, you get to practice the attitudes and skills you are learning in this eBook.
The 12/12 works to get you going and keep you going, partly because it requires a public commitment on your part. You make a commitment to yourself and a commitment to friends and family who are going to help you find some of the women you are going to ask out over the next 12 weeks.
For the 12/12 to work, you can’t half-ass it. You can’t put it off and wait until the last minute and try and cram 12 dates into five days.
You have to commit. Even if your mind is trying to talk you out of making such a commitment, do it anyway. Commit now. It doesn’t get easier to wait and make the commitment next week or the week after. Commit even if you are busy, scared and have no idea where you will find 12 women to date (I have several suggestions at the end of this chapter about where to find them).
How The 12/12 Works
Since this is for practice, it doesn’t matter what kind of women you date. You can ask out your second cousin, women with nose rings, fat women, grandmothers, lesbians – it doesn’t matter. It is just practice; any woman will do (Avoid stupid women and feminazis – you’ll spend an hour in hell!).
This strategy frees you up to focus your energy on practicing your skills rather than investing your attention and energy in trying to get your date to like you. This will also help you get your ego out of the way. Many BDs insist they only want to date very attractive women. If this is you, this is a great way to ensure that you never have to date at all, and consequently, never develop skills or confidence.
Dating is scary. Your mind will come up with all kinds of creative ways to avoid feeling the anxiety of asking women out on dates. The 12/12 helps bypass this because you can ask “low anxiety” women. As you start feeling more confident, you can mix in more dates with women who raise your anxiety level a little bit. This will also get your ego out of the way by dating women you would never ordinarily consider going out with. You might actually find that these women are interesting and good company (maybe better company than the hotties your ego would like to see hanging on your arm).
Dating Essentials for Men Page 13
