Whenever you approach a woman, talk to a woman, flirt with a woman, or tell a woman to give you her number – you only have to pay attention to one thing – her interest level. She either has high interest or low interest in interacting with you. That’s it.
If she says, “I have a boyfriend,” or “I’m busy all next week,” or “I don’t give out my number,” you don’t have to figure out if any of these statements are true. You don’t have to feel rejected or take her low interest personally. You don’t have to figure out why she has low interest. You don’t have to vilify her. You just smile, move on, and test another woman.
No More Guessing
It is such a relief to be able to:
•Let go of trying to figure out how to say “the right thing” to a woman
•Not have to try and read a woman’s mind
•Not have to figure out why a woman does what she does
•Not worry if a woman likes you
•Not guess if a woman is in a relationship
•Not take anything a woman does personally
•Have a tool that raises the likelihood of succeeding with women
Three Levels of Testing
Testing for interest occurs primarily at three levels. Without being aware of it, you have probably followed this social model many times in many situations. Countless other people have used it on you to test your interest in interacting with them. Once you clearly understand the model, you will see that it is the basis of pretty much all social interaction.
When you really understand how testing for interest works, you will find your social skills, social intelligence, and confidence growing by leaps and bounds. At the end of this chapter you will say, “Oh, that’s simple. Why didn’t anyone ever show me how to do it that way before?”
In all of my Dating Essentials for Men podcasts, courses, and seminars, I strongly encourage men to get out of the house, expand their route, and talk to people everywhere they go. You probably didn’t realize it, but this is the most basic form of testing.
You should be practicing this testing with everyone you meet – men and women, young and old (note: do not take this literally – you don’t have to talk to everyone you meet during your day, but do take advantage of opportunities to talk new people).
This not only makes the world a friendlier place, but it also opens doors to creating new relationships, business opportunities, and dates. The information that follows primarily focuses on women, but the principles can be applied to all social situations.
Please note, you can’t wait until you meet a woman whom you find attractive to decide to start practicing your testing skills. You have to practice your testing skills every day with every one you meet, otherwise, when you do meet a woman whom you want to test, you will feel awkward, anxious, and unsure.
I call this daily testing, “playing in the minors.” In all the history of Major League Baseball, only a handful of players were naturally gifted enough to skip the minor leagues all-together and go right to the majors. Even the most talented athletes typically have to spend years hitting minor league pitching before they can successfully take a cut at a major league fastball or slider.
The same principle applies to you. Your “minor league” is the people you meet day in and day out in elevators, the coffee shop, on the bus, or at the gym. That is why you have to get out of the house, expand your route, linger in public, and talk to people everywhere you go. It is all practice.
Your “major league” will be the attractive woman standing in line next to you at the coffee shop. Since you will already have the habit of testing everyone you meet, you will just do with her what you have already been doing with everyone else. You will feel relaxed, confident, and engaging. All those cuts you took in the minors will pay off as you swing for the fences with a major league woman.
Level One Testing: Social Pleasantries
Level One testing consists of the most basic social interactions like smiling, making and maintaining eye contact, saying hello, commenting on the weather, etc.
I have found that most BDs typically don’t initiate these basic social pleasantries. They are afraid of intruding, being inappropriate, or looking foolish. But basic social pleasantries are where testing begins and are the foundation of all other testing.
Most BDs make Level One testing way too difficult and way too overwhelming. This isn’t rocket science. Be like a child with no social filters or inhibitions. Just smile, say hello, make any random comment to people with whom you come into contact.
These Level One tests can include:
•Commenting on anything in your environment – “Think it will ever stop raining?” “Wow, they’re really busy here today.”
•Asking how a person is doing – “How’s your day going so far?” “Enjoying the sunshine?”
•Something you observe about a person or the situation – “Have a good workout?” “Been shopping?”
•An open-ended or opinion question – In a restaurant, “What’s good here?” While standing in a checkout line looking at a tabloid, “Think Brad will ever get back with Angelina?”
•A person’s name – “Hi, what’s your name?” Practice remembering people’s names. Repeat them and use them in conversation. If you forget someone’s name, ask again.
I know that this probably sounds overly simplistic and you might even wonder what it has to do with dating (on the other hand, I know those of you with high social anxiety are already quaking).
Here’s an example of why simple is better. Guys often ask me what the best pickup line is. I tell them, “Hello.”
To illustrate this assertion, several years ago I was in a hot nightclub in Scottsdale, AZ. Two women came over and stood near me. I asked them, “What’s the worst pickup line you’ve heard tonight?” One of them laughed and said, “That one.” I smiled back and asked, “What’s the best one?” The other woman replied, “You don’t need a pickup line, just introduce yourself.”
I suggest you don’t use just “hi” as a level one test. There is nothing for the person to engage with, so there is no real test.
High vs. Low Interest
At all three levels of testing, you only have to observe one thing – the person’s apparent interest in interacting with you. That’s it. You don’t have to figure out if you are intruding, have said the wrong thing, or if they like you.
People will demonstrate either high interest or low interest in interacting with you. There is nothing else to figure out and nothing else in between.
What does high interest look like? You say, “How do you like that book?” She smiles and says, “It’s great, I really love this author. Have you read anything by her?” Her facial expressions, body language, and voice tone are all open and welcoming. She engages you.
What does low interest look like? You say, “What’s good here?” She says, “I don’t know,” and looks away.
Pretty simple, isn’t it!
If a woman shows low interest, don’t take it personally. Don’t get discouraged. Don’t apologize. Don’t try and figure out what you did wrong. Don’t try and figure out why she has low interest. Don’t project negative or evil intent on her. Don’t try and figure anything out. Don’t assume that every other woman will feel just like her. She just has low interest. Smile and move on.
Many Nice Guys and bad daters express the fear of intruding on strangers or being the bore who doesn’t “get it” – you know, the guy sitting next to you on the airplane going on and on about his bad back for hours, not noticing that everyone around him would rather be poking a sharp stick in their ears.
You never run the risk of being a nuisance when you are testing because you are observing a person’s response to each test. As soon as they show low interest, you smile and move on. This is what people with natural social intelligence do.
How do you tell if a person has high interest or is just being friendly and polite? Easy, the conversation will naturally move to Level
Two.
Level Two Testing: Finding Commonality
Level Two testing is organic. You don’t have to make it happen, you just have to go with it when it happens on its own.
At Level Two, you are testing for “mutual high interest.” You are measuring your interest in a woman along with her interest in you. Level Two testing allows you to get to know more about a woman and gives her the chance to get to know you. You are exploring to see if a woman is someone whom you might want to ask out or have sex with.
Level Two testing gives you a chance to explore a woman’s nature. You are testing for sense of humor and flexibility. You are gauging her intelligence and awareness of culture and social issues. You are exploring common interests. You are looking to see if she is playful, passionate, and comfortable with physical touch. You are assessing her personal beliefs, values, and morals. You are finding out if she is a cool chick.
Bad daters and Nice Guys often tell me that they aren’t good at small talk and therefore believe that women won’t find them interesting. Here’s the good news: Most women like to talk! If they have high interest, they will do most of the heavy lifting for you!
You don’t have to be a great conversationalist to test for interest. You just have to do something (what you say usually isn’t even all that important). If the woman has any kind of interest in you, she will carry the bulk of the conversation. If a woman doesn’t say much to you there are usually one of two reasons, she is shy (and not good at small talk) or she has low interest. So, if you test for interest and the conversation quickly dies, don’t assume you did something wrong or lack skills, assume she is shy or has low interest. You found out exactly what you want to know!
At Level Two, you can tease her, discuss commonalities, ask opinion questions, state your point of view, ask “poll” questions, bust on her, shift from serious to playful, make deals, or say off the wall things. (Illustrations and examples of ways to test and talk to women will be presented in the next chapter.)
The only goal of testing is to measure interest (yours and hers). Never try to impress her and don’t try and get her to like you. Don’t buy her drinks (this does absolutely nothing to test a woman’s interest and makes you look like a doormat).
Level Two testing also gives you an effective way to find out if a woman is in a relationship. Women usually let you know (often in code) during Level Two if they are with someone. They sense that the conversation has moved from Level One to Level Two (women just seem to get these things). They want to be friendly but they also want to help you avoid an embarrassing social blunder of mistaking their friendliness for high interest.
At some point during a Level Two conversation she will mention her husband, kids, or boyfriend in a casual way, “We took the kids to Hawaii this summer,” or “My boyfriend is a big Yankees fan too.” Some guys take this personally, but it is actually an example of the woman doing the considerate thing and treating you with respect. Take the hint and enjoy the conversation for what it is.
As your Level Two testing unfolds, you can observe her signs of high interest – lingering, flirting, eye contact, smiles, asking you questions, touching you, laughing at your jokes (probably one of the highest signs of interest from a woman), suggestive comments, moving toward you, touching her hair, talking to her friends about you, inviting you to join her in some activity.
As conversation flows and heats up, more advanced Level Two tests can include physical contact – moving closer to her, leaning in and out (this “push/pull” or “lean” is a fundamental part of flirting and testing), touching her arm, the small of her back, whispering in her ear, touching some accessory she is wearing, taking her hand, kissing her cheek. All of these physical actions and her response to them give you a gauge of her interest.
If a woman responds with repeated high interest to your tests at Level Two (this may take anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes), and you have interest in her, move to Level Three.
Level Three Testing: Require Something of Her
Once you get to Level Three, the odds are high that something really interesting is going to happen as the result of your testing. Be prepared for the response. Level Three is where you test for the whole enchilada. This is where you take things to the next level and find out how far they can go.
Level Three is where most guys (not just bad daters) falter. Things have been going well. You’ve been having a lively conversation. She has laughed at your jokes. You seem to have a lot in common. You’d like to see her again. But because Level Three is where the greatest chance for rejection comes in, most guys chicken out and miss out on a great opportunity.
Most men quit testing before a woman quits showing high interest!
One of the biggest complaints I hear from women is that men will be friendly but not ask for a number or set up a date. This frustrates women to no end because most don’t want to come across as too aggressive.
It is your job to close the deal. It is your job to make the ultimate test for interest. Going for the close can be scary, but you’ve gotten this far, so the odds are great you’ll get a high interest response to your Level Three test.
This is the beauty of understanding and using the three levels of testing. She has already shown high interest at Level One. She has already shown high interest at Level Two. You have already gotten her to “yes” several times. She is primed and interested. She is just waiting for you to take it to the next level. Don’t let her down. Open the door for her.
Here is how Level Three testing differs from Levels One and Two: Testing at Level Three involves requiring the woman do something.
Requiring something of a woman is the ultimate test of interest. Telling her to do something allows you to get to rejection quickly and find out if she truly has high interest or is just enjoying a pleasant conversation with you.
Probably the two most common and socially acceptable ways to test a woman for interest at Level Three is to either get a phone number or tell a woman to meet you for a specific event at a specific time. Both are powerful because you are requiring a strong commitment from her.
These two tests are not meant so much to get a number or set up a meeting as they are to test her interest. Your goal is to see how high her interest is and possibly drive it up higher.
Every Day, Everywhere You Go
The following chapters in this book will give you specific strategies and techniques for testing women. Remember, it is much easier than you think and the results will be amazing.
I like testing for interest because it is organic and it works. This process is a reflection of everyday social interaction. Consciously testing for interest raises your social I.Q. in all kinds of life situations. It isn’t contrived and doesn’t involve memorizing a bunch of canned routines. It isn’t manipulative or phony. Testing for interest doesn’t turn you into a geek with techniques.
This chapter has primarily been about how to test women for interest, but the principles apply to all people in all situations. Test men, women, old people, young people, attractive people and unattractive people. Remember, if you wait until you see a woman you find attractive to practice testing, you won’t do anything or you will do it BADLY!
Get out of the house and talk to people everywhere you go. Test, test, test. Practice, practice, practice. Most importantly, have fun!
Chapter 16: You’ve Got Her Attention, Now Drive Up Her Interest
Make a bold gesture of the lusty type.
In the previous chapter, I presented the three levels of testing that natural players use to find out if a woman is interested and available. This kind of testing is the most effective way to gauge how interested a woman is in interacting with you, to find out if she is in a relationship, and when to close.
But testing is even more than that. Testing for interest is the most effective way to get a woman’s attention and boost her interest level.
I have experienced numerous situations of being around a woman who I know had
n’t even noticed me until I began testing her. As I tested, her interest level rose from non-existent to very high in just a matter of moments. Her interest didn’t go up because she noticed how good looking I am, how nice of a car I drive, or how great my ass looks in my jeans – but because I tested her.
The more a woman responds to your tests, the more her interest level goes up. This is true for several reasons.
•Testing inserts you into her consciousness. If she doesn’t know you exist or hasn’t noticed you, she can’t possibly have high interest in you.
•Every time she responds positively to one of your tests, her mind convinces her that you must be an interesting guy, otherwise she wouldn’t be responding positively to your tests – her mind has to rationalize her behavior. This is called “High Perceived Value.”
•Testing projects confidence more effectively than anything else I know. Since confidence is the number one aphrodisiac for women, testing for interest is the best way to get a woman’s attention and keep it.
•Testing creates positive emotional tension (PET). Women need emotional tension for attraction and attachment.
Be Bold
To be effective, testing has to be bold. You can’t be passive or subtle. Unless your test is bold, a woman can’t give you a clear answer.
Every test has to be so clear that the woman’s response to it is equally clear.
The biggest mistake you can make, especially at Level Three, is to be too subtle or indirect. The typical “nice” way of asking a woman out not only fails to gauge her interest or drive up any interest she may have, it also forces the woman to try and figure out exactly what it is you are asking.
•“Are you busy next weekend?” (she doesn’t know what you have in mind)
•“Maybe we should go out sometime” (vague and wimpy)
•“It was nice to meet you, have a good day” (crash and burn).
Get to Rejection Quickly
Make a grand gesture of the lusty type.
Dating Essentials for Men Page 16
