Successful bantering and flirting require that you see yourself as a fun person.
If you think you are boring and have no clue how to have fun, this will come across to women, even if you have memorized 50 funny or clever things to say. If you think you are dull, start working on yourself. Get whatever help you need to find out how to have fun, not just so you can attract women, but so that you can start enjoying life!
Ready to get started? The following pages are chock-full of ideas for bantering and flirting. Don’t think you have to use them all. Pick an idea or two and adapt it to your personality. Don’t try and memorize a bunch of lines or techniques. It won’t be you. Go out and test and play and have a good time.
Remember, most BDs quit testing before a woman has quit showing high interest – don’t make that mistake. Bantering and flirting are such powerful ways to test for interest that the results might initially frighten you. You will be amazed how far things can go in a short amount of time when you banter and flirt and don’t quit testing until you get to “no.”
Eye to Eye
Make eye contact. Your eyes are transmitters of high interest. Looking directly into the eyes of another person is such a powerful, emotionally loaded act of communication that we normally restrict it to very brief glances. Prolonged eye contact between two people indicates intense emotion and/or intimacy.
Not only is eye contact a great first level test, it is great way to really get things going. When you are in a public place, look around. Check people out. If a woman notices your look, look her in the eye and hold your look for just a moment longer than which you are comfortable. Look away (confidently, as if you have something else important to look at), then look back again and smile, then approach her if you are inclined and she seems open.
It is important that you don’t stare or leer at a woman or her body parts. It is creepy. Make the kind of playful, confident eye contact that you would want a woman to make with you.
Blurt
Like many bad daters, you might claim that you can’t think of anything to say when you approach a woman or that you aren’t funny or clever. This probably isn’t true. I would bet that you do think of lots of funny or clever things in the moment (or soon after). Unfortunately, you have been trained to filter and sensor what you think. You don’t want to say anything stupid, you don’t want to look silly or foolish, or you don’t want to have something used against you later.
Say the things that come to mind without filtering or editing.
Practice blurting. Sometimes it will be funny and unexpected. Sometimes it will be off the wall or inappropriate. That’s okay. If a woman has high interest in you, you have to work pretty hard to kill her interest. Almost anything you say will be clever or funny. On the other hand, not saying anything will almost guarantee a total lack of interest from women.
For example, a member of one of my classes was shopping during the holidays at a small store in the mall. The woman ringing up his purchase asked for his phone number as part of the transaction. Without thinking he blurted, “You just want my number so you can call me and ask me out on a date.” She blushed and he immediately felt a sense of panic for making such a bold assertion. After a brief moment, the woman replied, “I get off work at 5:00.”
Touch
When you banter and flirt, touch is essential. Touch is one of the things that set the tone and distinguishes the contact from a dry, impersonal conversation about the weather.
As a general rule, the arm is the safest place to touch a woman you don’t know well. A brief arm touch should prompt some reciprocal increase in intimacy if a woman has high interest. If she has low interest, it will show in her physical response and lack of reciprocity.
If you see signs of a positive reaction to your arm touch, touch her arm again and maintain your touch. If this results in a further escalation of interest level, move from there to touching the small of her back, her hair, her face, her leg. If she has high interest, each touch makes her feel special and ratchets up her interest even more. Do this casually and confidently as if it were natural and spontaneous.
If you seem to receive low interest responses when you touch a woman, lean back a little. Don't try and force anything. You aren’t trying to make anything happen, you are leading to see if she follows. If she doesn’t, great, respect her space.
Reciprocal Disclosure
One of the most important aspects of bantering and flirting is what psychologists call “reciprocal disclosure” – the exchange of personal information. When you first meet, these details do not have to be particularly intimate. They can even be humorous or nonsensical.
If a woman discloses information about herself, reciprocate by revealing some similar information about yourself, perhaps raising the ante a little by making your disclosure slightly more personal (“I sucked my thumb until kindergarten”). If she has high interest, she will probably try to match your disclosure with one of similar value.
Play the “Shy Card”
If you are shy and it makes you anxious to interact with women, use that to your advantage. Approach her and tell her that you are really shy but you knew that if you didn’t make yourself walk over and introduce yourself, you’d kick yourself later. Tell her you are not good at pickup lines. Focus on her rather than your shyness and she will see you as courageous for challenging yourself.
Asking Questions
Asking thought, opinion, and fantasy questions is a great way to banter and flirt with women. Approach and say, “Excuse me, I can’t stay long, I have to get back to my friends, but I need to ask a question.” Then ask a poll question, opinion question, fun question, information question, etc. When breaking into a group, respond to the person who is most responsive, laughs, etc. But draw in other members of the group as well, especially the shy or quiet one. Some examples of questions to ask:
“I need someone to take a picture of me and friends, who is the best photographer?” After one of them has taken your picture, show her the picture she has taken. Take a picture of her or the group and then show them the picture. Continue chatting with them if they seem to have high interest.
“My friends and I were having a discussion and we need an opinion: what would you think about a man in his mid-30s (or pick the age of the women) and has never been married? Would you consider that a red flag?”
“Who here knows the most about fashion? My friends tell me I need to update my look. I think I should start with my hairstyle, they think I should start with my clothes, what do you think?” (Or bring over a buddy who needs updating.)
Ask her a question that requires her to user her imagination. “I call you up and tell you that you have 30 minutes to pack your bikini and passport and you can pick our destination. Where are we going?” This question accomplishes several things:
•You are telling her what to do (both by asking the question as well as in the fantasy).
•You can see how she follows.
•You can see if she has an imagination.
•It is a test of interest.
•You can use it to get to know her better. “Have you been there before? Where else have you been tropical?”
•The fantasy includes you and her together. By her responding, you have become bonded to her in her mind.
•You can find out if she is comfortable in her body (bikini) and if she is sensual.
•You can see if she is naturally spontaneous.
You can ask any question; it really doesn’t matter. Don’t just memorize questions and openers and run them mechanically. Ask questions or make statements that are interesting to you and reflect your personality. Use the answers as a way to continue a conversation if there is a high interest response.
Humor and Playfulness
Humor is a powerful tool for bantering and flirting, it is almost impossible to banter and flirt without it. Studies have shown that people who use humor in social encounters are perceived as more likable. Humor also stimulates tru
st and attraction. Judicious use of humor can reduce anxiety and establish a relaxed mood.
Being humorous and playful isn’t about telling jokes, it’s about using the context of the situation in a novel or unexpected way. It can be as simple as stating, "Lovely day, isn't it?" during a torrential downpour.
I have found additional exchanges that work well for creating a sensual, playful context:
•Alternate between being serious and silly. Tell her you have to ask her a very personal and intimate question. Look very intense, lean forward, pause, then quietly ask her something very nonsensical, i.e., if she knows where the bathroom is or if she thinks Destiny’s Child will ever get back together.
•Pick something she has said and keep repeating it back to her in different, unrelated contexts. “That’s right, you’re honest MOST OF THE TIME.”
•Tease her about something she has revealed about herself. “Wow, you really are high maintenance!”
•Tease her about a physical or verbal blunder she has made or something about what she is wearing that is out of place. “I think leg warmers really are making a comeback!” “Watch out for that chair!”
•Tease her about where she is from, where she went to school, the music she listens to, or what sports team she likes. “The Spice Girls, oh my God, I swear I won’t tell a soul!” But of course, bring it up every chance you get and tell everyone who walks by.
•Boast about yourself with a twinkle in your eye. “I was the state debate champion in high school, want to argue with me?”
•Flip her shit. (To a barista in a coffee shop) “You’ve been making my drink every morning for a week and you can’t even remember what I order! I must not mean much to you!”
•Give her a nickname. Pick something that sounds like her name or that is based on your conversation. Ask her if she had a nickname when she was a kid. Keep calling her by the nickname. If you call her later and ask her out, use her nickname, she’ll remember you.
Teasing with Respect
Teasing often creates anxiety for NGs and BDs. Many tell me that they were teased in hurtful and unloving ways as children. As adults, they are sensitive to being teased and tend to avoid teasing others. If this is true for you, you may have a difficult time distinguishing teasing that is mean and hurtful from teasing that is playful and loving.
When you tease a woman, always do it with a smile, never be mean, critical, or demeaning. Invite her in and open her up with your humor.
You can practice teasing with guy friends. This is a primary way that men express affection to each other. You can also practice blurting. As discussed in a previous chapter, this involves bypassing the editor in your mind and just saying what you are thinking. I’ve found that even really serious and boring guys often have funny, ironical or paradoxical thoughts that pop into their heads. Take a chance, let them out.
As paradoxical as it may sound, women respond with high interest when you tease them and bust on them. I conducted a poll of women and asked them why they are attracted to men who can make them laugh. Here are some of the responses I received:
•It relaxes them.
•It removes the fear of a possible agenda.
•It creates a feeling of security (like when she was a child and daddy tickled her or threw up into the air).
•It creates comfort.
•It makes her feel known.
•It releases anxiety.
•It implies intimacy and familiarity (you’re not a stranger).
•It creates a bond.
•It implies strength and confidence.
•It implies flexibility and vulnerability.
One attractive woman told me, “If a man makes me laugh, I don’t care if he is homely, I’ll do him” (I was dating her at the time).
Story Telling
Tell short stories about your life experiences that have a funny point, a paradox, embarrassing moment, unexpected outcome, or frustration. Always tell with humor and levity. Never be a victim (unless you can do it in a funny or self-depreciating way).
Most BDs have the tendency to not talk much at all or talk incessantly without observing whether or not anyone is listening or paying attention. For example, I was in my favorite restaurant a while back and a couple in their 50’s was sitting next to me. The woman was attractive and well dressed. The man was doing most of the talking and appeared to be very intelligent and well-traveled. It was obvious to me that they were having a glass of wine on a first date. The woman was attentive and leaning in toward the man. Her hands were on the table in the man’s direction.
She would ask questions about the topic the man was talking about. The only problem was that man talked almost non-stop about his life’s travels. He gave way too much detail about mundane things and rarely paused. The only time he stopped talking, even momentarily was when the woman leaned in and politely asked a question to show that she was listening.
I wanted to shake the man and say, “This woman is a saint. She is attractive and classy and attentive and you just keep droning on about some dull story. Stop. Take a breath. Ask her a question. Give her a chance to talk.”
Learning to tell a story or share an opinion requires good conversation skills.
When you are talking, build and pause.
Ask the listener if she has had similar experiences.
Make a statement that begs for more information and then stop. Make them ask the obvious question.
Eye contact is essential in conversation and story-telling. Once a conversation begins, it is normal for eye contact to be broken as the speaker looks away. The person who is speaking frequently looks away more than the person who is listening. Turn-taking is governed by a characteristic pattern of looking, eye contact, and looking away. To signal that you have finished speaking and invite a response, look back at the other person again.
Interesting stories are never monologues. They don’t drone on, they are an interactive process. Here’s an example.
When I returned from a recent vacation to Mexico, people asked me how my trip was. I would say, “It was great, I had a great time.” I smile and have open body language. This leaves it open for them to ask more questions.
“Where did you go? How was the weather?”
“I went to Puerto Vallarta for five days. The weather was spectacular, sunny and mid-eighties. Have you ever been to Puerto Vallarta?”
This invites them to join you in the experience and creates a mood. You also find out about them.
I continue, “I spent two nights in a little fishing village called Sayulita.”
Pause.
They ask, “Where is that?”
“It’s about 30 miles north of Puerto Vallarta. It has a great beach for surfing, so I decided to take a surf lesson while I was there, it was a blast!”
They ask something like, “Did you get up on the surfboard? Did you wipe out?”
“Oh yeah, I wiped out every time! But a few times I actually stayed up for a few seconds and surfed! It was an amazing experience!”
This continues to set the mood. If you are flirting, you could make a sexual innuendo about the exhilaration of surfing and riding the wave.
I ask them, “Have you ever surfed?” Give them the chance to talk. You are guiding the conversation.
Add embarrassing moments. “I swallowed a lot of salt water! But all that salt water up my nose helped me get over a nagging sinus infection.”
Add funny details, “My step-son was supposed to join me, but he couldn’t get his passport in time.”
“Really, that’s too bad, how come? Did he wait too long to apply?”
“No, they wouldn’t give him a passport because he has a warrant out on him.” Pause for effect. “For urinating in public.” Pause for effect. “Heaven knows they don’t want to let any more people into Mexico who pee in public!” (This is all true, I didn’t make it up!)
More Fun
In addition to asking questions, making statements, or telling sto
ries, you can do physical things. Walk up to a woman and ask if she salsa dances. Whatever she says, approach her with your arms in dance position. If she says “yes,” say “good, I am taking lessons and I need to practice.” Take her and start counting salsa beat while you do a basic step and spin her.” If she doesn’t salsa, say “I am taking lessons, let me show you a basic step.”
Or, hold out your hand to a woman with your thumb up. Say, “I haven’t done this in years.” Take her hand and thumb wrestle.
Tell her to tell you her favorite dumb joke from when she was a kid. Tell her dumb childhood jokes, “How do you get down off an elephant?” (You don’t, you get down off a goose).
Segue into telling her to tell you her favorite dirty joke. Have one of your own in mind (Q: “What are the three words you never want to hear when you are making love?” A: “Honey, I’m home!”)
It’s fun to propose contests, dares, and deals when bantering and flirting. Typical drinking contests fit in this category.
Make bets, dare the other person to do something, make deals – “If you do this, I’ll do that.”
Challenge her to a game of naming the state capitals, the loser has to buy the next round or do something embarrassing.
Play, “Fuck, Marry, Kill.” Each of you gets to pick out three people in the room. From those three people you pick for each other, both of you then have to say which one you would fuck, which one you would marry, which one you would kill.
Conclusion
After all is said and done, if you are having problems thinking of what to say to a woman, it is probably because she is showing low interest – move on. When a woman shows high interest, conversations are usually a breeze. Bantering and flirting will seem natural and spontaneous.
Dating Essentials for Men Page 18
