by A. J. Markam
Janet Reno looked over at me sourly. “It’s his fault.”
“It is NOT!” I yelled. “You were trying to dry hump me!”
Janet Reno smirked. “Ohhh, it wouldn’t have been dry.”
OH GOD.
I was going to have to go into therapy after that one.
“NEVER MIND,” Sinter growled, and swiped Janet Reno’s bowling ball away. His hand was so big that it fit into his midnight-blue hand like a billiard ball in a normal person’s palm. “BEHOLD, THE UNDOING OF VORTZPLASSE!”
Alaria and I just stared at him.
“…Vortzplasse?” I asked tentatively.
“Doesn’t ring a bell,” Alaria said.
“THE VILLAGE, YOU FOOLS!”
“Oh, gotcha,” I said.
“Little clearer next time,” Alaria said.
“THERE WILL NOT BE A NEXT TIME FOR VORTZPLASSE! AFTER TONIGHT, IT WILL BE NOTHING MORE THAN A SMOKING RUIN, AND ITS POPULACE EITHER DEAD OR DEMORALIZED BEYOND THE EDGE OF SANITY!”
“Let me guess,” Alaria said in a bored voice. “You’re going to tell us how.”
“OF COURSE I AM – THAT YOU MIGHT APPRECIATE THE GENIUS OF MY PLAN! HAHAHAHAHAHA – ”
“Okay, you’re evil,” Alaria interrupted. “Got it. Moving on.”
Sinter Klaws held out the bowling ball. “THESE ARE BOMBS DESIGNED BY MY GNOMES! I SHALL FLY OVER THE ROOFS OF VORTZPLASSE AND DO – THIS!”
He pushed a black button on the top of the bowling ball, at which point four spider-like mechanical legs shot out of the sides. At the same time, a little red light on top of the bowling ball began to blink.
Suddenly the bowling ball jumped out of Sinter Klaws’s palm and began to scurry across the floor on its pointed legs.
As it did so, the little red light began to blink faster.
“Hey! Hey! HEY! HEY!” the female gnomes all barked at Sinter as they pointed at the scurrying probe.
“OH, YES, RIGHT, OF COURSE.”
He lumbered after the spider-ball, trying – and failing – to catch it. It was like watching Lurch from The Addams Family trying to train like Rocky Balboa and attempt to catch a chicken.
“HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!” the gnomes screamed in a panic as the red light began to flash every half second –
And then Janet Reno leapt over and stabbed the black button with one stubby little finger.
Immediately the red light stopped blinking and the legs retracted back into the ball.
All the female gnomes glared hatefully at Sinter Klaws.
“It only has ten seconds before it explodes!” Janet Reno yelled.
“…SORRY,” Sinter said, abashed as a little boy who’d just wet the bed.
Then he turned back to me and Alaria, once again in full-on evil mode.
“I SHALL RAIN THESE DOWN ON VORTZPLASSE, AT WHICH POINT THEY SHALL CRAWL INTO THE CHIMNEYS OF EVERY HOUSE AND DETONATE! THOSE WHO ARE NOT KILLED IN THE BLASTS WILL BE FORCED OUT OF THEIR HOMES, WHERE MY SNOWMEN SHALL SLAUGHTER THEM! AND THE LAST FEW SURVIVORS SHALL WATCH IN TERROR AS I FLY OVER THEIR TOWN AND BUTCHER THE ZEEBUS CHILD!”
“What?!” I cried out.
Alaria gasped – and not ironically.
Little Baby Zeebus? He didn’t seem too bothered by the plans for his impending death.
Instead, he just did another somersault and said, “Wheeeee!”
“Why?!” Alaria demanded. “Why would you do that?!”
“FOR TOO LONG I HAVE LIVED IN THE SHADOW OF THIS FLYING SIMPLETON! THEY WORSHIP HIM – FOR WHAT?! FOR BRINGING THEM CHEESE?! THEY SAY HE IS THEIR HOPE AND JOY – WELL, I SHALL CRUSH THAT HOPE AND JOY, AND HENCEFORTH HIS HOLY DAY SHALL BE KNOWN AS KLAWSMAS! HAHAHAHAHA – ”
Sinter Klaws abruptly stopped laughing.
“OR SINTERMAS,” he said in an unsure voice. “I HAVEN’T DECIDED YET.”
Sinterina spoke up. “I think Sintermas is the better choice, darling.”
“YOU THINK SO?”
“Yes. It rolls off the tongue.”
“KLAWSMAS, SINTERMAS… SINTERMAS, KLAWSMAS… HMMM, YES, I THINK YOU’RE RIGHT… SINTERMAS IT SHALL BE! HAHAHAHAHAHA – ”
“Yeah, yeah, okay, you can shut up now,” Alaria snapped.
I turned to Sinterina. “Why in the world would you go along with this?! He wants to kill everyone in your village!”
“It ceased being my village when they ostracized me for wanting to marry him.”
“Wait,” I said, confused. “So he didn’t force you to be his bride?”
“No, of course not.”
“You wanted to marry him?!”
“I was the one who proposed,” she said proudly.
“YOU proposed to HIM?!”
She and Sinter stared dreamily into each other’s eyes.
“Down by the reindeer dying grounds,” she sighed, “amongst the frozen corpses.”
“WHERE WE FIRST MADE LOVE TO THE MATING CALLS OF THE YETIS,” Sinter said, clearly smitten.
Then they began to make out again – tongues and spit everywhere.
“Oh, GOD, please, stop!” I groaned.
They looked over at me angrily.
“What about your family?!” I shouted at Sinterina. “They’re still in the village, right? Don’t you care about them?!”
As soon I said it, I was struck by the irony of me being the one to call her out for not caring about her family.
“My ‘family’?” Sinterina sneered. “My so-called family abandoned me on my wedding day! The entire village turned their back on me! I look forward to seeing their charred corpses in the streets, and the survivors’ faces entirely devoid of hope!”
“What about Marta?” I asked.
“Pfff,” Sinterina scoffed. “Fuck that bitch.”
“Is she even dead?!”
“She will be.”
“But why kill Baby Zeebus?!” Alaria asked, clearly distraught.
“Because,” Sinterina smiled wickedly, “it will be fun.”
“Wheeeeee!” Baby Zeebus cooed in the background.
“LOAD UP THE BOMBS!” Sinter barked at the female gnomes, who began depositing the bowling balls into a black velvet sack in the back of the sleigh. They would drop a bowling ball inside the bag, then go back into the tunnel and get another.
At the same time, Sinter began pulling reindeer out of their stalls and hitching them up to the sleigh. There were ten reindeer in the stable, but only room for eight in the harness, so he left two in their stalls.
“You can’t let him do this,” I said to Sinterina.
“‘Let’ him? It was my plan to begin with!”
Sinter raised a single clawed finger. “WELL, TO BE FAIR, I WAS THE ONE WHO – ”
“Shut up and load the sleigh!” she barked.
“YES, DEAR,” he murmured.
“Well, somebody’s whipped around here,” Alaria said.
“You’re talking about killing a baby,” I said angrily. “We can’t let you do this.”
“Wheeeeee!” Baby Zeebus giggled.
“‘Let’ us?” Sinterina snickered. “What gall! You aren’t in a position to dictate anything!”
“Oh yeah?” I snapped. “Watch this.”
I raised my hands, threw them out dramatically to cast Soul Suck –
…aaaaand…
Nothing happened.
Cue sad trombone noise.
Wah waaah.
I stared at my hands.
What the fuck?!
Sinterina raised one eyebrow mockingly. “Watch what, pray tell?”
I checked my Action Menu –
Every single one of my spells was greyed out – which meant that they were entirely inactive.
Oh FUCK.
There was only one explanation: we were inside an enchanted cage.
Structures and objects could be enchanted to negate a user’s ability to use magic. Ropes, shackles, chains – hell, we’d left an evil warlock in some enchanted. You know, those medieval things that they humiliated prisoners
with in the Middle Ages?
The warlock had been a hot MILF pirate captain, and one of the targets on Alaria’s revenge list. Although, to be honest, even though she was our prisoner, she’d begged us to get naked and –
…long story. Some other time.
Where was I?
Oh yeah.
Trapped in an enchanted cage.
“Poor baby,” Sinterina cooed. “Having trouble with your spells? Finding yourself a bit… impotent?”
“Hey now,” I snapped. I turned to Alaria. “Can you – ”
“Get you stiff? Sure,” she said, and reached for my crotch.
I slapped her hand away. “She didn’t mean THAT kind of impotent!”
“I know, but fixing that type’s a whole lot more fun.”
“Can you shoot some fireballs at her?” I demanded.
Alaria threw out her hand at Sinterina –
Nothin’.
“Nope,” Alaria said.
“Shit,” I grumbled.
“So sad, so limp,” Sinterina said with mock sympathy. “Now watch as my husband destroys the entire town, knowing that there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop him.”
“ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT TO COME WITH ME, DEAREST?” Sinter asked as he lifted Baby Zeebus’s iron cage onto the back of the sleigh.
Damn, he was a strong bastard. The thing must have weighed 500 pounds at least.
“No, darling. I shall enjoy staying here and watching the horror on our guests’ faces as they hear the suffering… and the explosions… and the golden child being slaughtered.”
“Wheeeeee!” Baby Zeebus giggled as he loop-de-looped in his cage.
Sinter loomed over his wife with a fanged smile. “YOU KNOW HOW TO GET A MAN’S BLOOD UP, DARLING.”
“Draw it out as long as you can,” she purred. “Let me savor the screams.”
“I’LL DO MY BEST TO MAKE IT LAST ALL… NIGHT… LONG.”
“Yes, yes, YES!” Sinterina cried out, passionately grabbing onto his hobo Santa suit.
And then they proceeded to slobber over each other some more.
“Oh, Goddess, get a room,” Alaria snapped.
I just closed my eyes and tried not to listen to the slurping sounds.
Finally it ended, and Sinter lurched over to the sleigh.
“TONIGHT WE SHALL MAKE LOVE WITH THE SMOKING RUINS OF VORTZPLASSE BEHIND US, AND THE LAMENTATIONS OF THE HOPELESS CRYING IN THE NIGHT! FAREWELL, MY LOVE!” Sinter crowed as he climbed into the leather seat.
“Farewell!” Sinterina called out.
“OPEN THE DOORS!”
Janet Reno clicked a button on a control panel. A giant wheel began to rumble and turn, chains began to clank, and the bay doors rattled open on metal tracks.
The dark winter night yawned beyond the doors, and a bitter wind blew into the stables.
Sinter cracked! his whip, and the reindeer all strained forward against the harness.
The sleigh moved forward an inch, then a foot, then five – then both reindeer and sleigh were speeding down the ramp.
The reindeer took off into the air.
The sleigh slid off the wooden ramp into nothingness – dipped briefly down into the abyss – and then followed the reindeer into the dark sky.
“Wheeeee!” little Baby Zeebus giggled as he flew off towards his impending doom.
13
Sinterina watched the sleigh speed off into the night, then turned back to me and Alaria. “Fools – listen now as – ”
“Mistress Klaws,” one of the shivering female gnomes interrupted, “can we close the doors?”
It was pretty damn cold. Especially if you were wearing nothing but your underwear.
“No! I want to hear the explosions. And the screams.”
“But it’s so cold – ”
“Back to the workshop, then!” Sinterina shouted. “Go on – GO!”
The gnomes all hurried into the side tunnel and shut the door behind them.
We were alone now… just Alaria, me, and the Queen Bitch.
“You are pathetic,” Sinterina gloated. “Believing my tale of woe – ”
“I didn’t,” Alaria said.
“SILENCE! You walked right into my trap! And did you really think you could enrage my husband by telling him of our dalliance? He and I have a relationship borne of a passion neither of you could ever comprehend – ”
I tuned her out. Villains liked to monologue in OtherWorld, and it got pretty damn boring after a while.
Instead I turned my attention to how I could get us out of this mess.
I know that Sinterina had told Sinter Klaws to draw out the action – to (ugh) ‘make it last all night’ – but it wouldn’t be long until the bombing started. We had to get out of here, and fast.
I looked at my Action Bar again to see if there was something I could do.
No such luck. All the spells were greyed out, even the icons for Alaria and Stig –
Stig!
I’d completely forgotten about him, what with all the trying to save Baby Zeebus!
…and the threesome.
But mostly saving Baby Zeebus.
…okay, mostly the threesome.
According to the menu, he was still alive. That was good – although it would have been better if he were dead.
I know that sounds terrible, but if he were alive, God only knows where he might be. If he were dead, though, I could have resurrected him right here in the room.
Well, except for the fact that ALL of my menu commands were greyed out… so no, I couldn’t summon him, alive or dead.
SHIT.
If only I could get him up here somehow.
Speak of the devil and he shall appear.
Actually, in this case it was ‘speak of the imp and he shall appear.’
A hundred feet away, a little head with glowing yellow eyes popped up over the edge of the ramp.
STIG!
I tried not to give away my excitement to see him, and instead concentrated on the endlessly blabbering Sinterina – but I watched out of the corner of my eye as he hauled himself up onto the ramp and limped over towards us.
Something was wrong, though. He was moving like a stiff old man.
As he got closer to the roaring fire, I could see why. His normally grey skin was blue. Ice was crusted to his ears, and he was shivering.
Oh my God… poor little guy…
But right now, he was our only chance of getting out of this mess.
“GET HER, STIG!” I yelled.
Sinterina stopped talking and spun around –
To see my imp crouched by the firepit, warming his hands.
“What is the meaning of this?!” Sinterina demanded.
“DUDE, GET HER!” I shouted.
“I’m c-c-c-cold, b-b-boss.”
“SHE’S WARM! GET HER!”
“O-kaaaaaay…” he sighed reluctantly.
“Don’t you dare!” Sinterina screeched, and picked up the nearest item she could find – a poker iron – and threw it at him.
Bad move on her part.
As soon as he was attacked, Stig’s teleportation powers kicked in.
He disappeared in a poof of black smoke –
And reappeared right behind Sinterina.
She didn’t see him, but he sure as heck saw her.
I guess the sight of those warm legs were too much for him, because he jumped headfirst between them.
His head popped up between her thighs like she was giving birth to the ugliest baby ever.
To top it off, the furry hem of her red dress made it look like he was wearing a Santa cap of his own.
“Aaaaah,” he sighed contentedly.
Sinterina didn’t sigh contentedly.
She screamed bloody murder.
“AAAAAAAAH!” she shrieked. “HE’S FREEZING!”
I guess I could understand her distress.
If somebody shoved a block of ice between your bare thighs, you might scream, too.
Especially if you weren’t wearing underwear, and the ice was touching your cooch.
She swatted at him, trying to punch him in the face.
Bad move again.
He didn’t teleport this time, though.
No, he scurried up inside the front of her dress.
Now she looked like she was nine months pregnant.
It was like the baby stuck its head out, decided it didn’t want to be born, and went on back inside Momma.
“AAAAAAAH!” Sinterina screamed, and began slapping at her stomach.
The shape began zipping around under the dress, trying to evade her punches.
It finally moved around to her back, like the weirdest fucking pregnancy ever.
She kept screaming and slapping, turning around and trying to swat him –
What she didn’t see was that she was stumbling backwards towards the fire pit.
“LOOK OUT!” I yelled.
Too late.
Her legs caught the edge of the stone ring, and she toppled backwards into the bonfire.
FWOOSH!
I guess velvet’s pretty damn flammable, because Sinterina went up like a dry Christmas tree.
“AAAAAAAAH!” she screamed as she scrambled out of the fire pit.
Stig had fallen out of her dress and was left sitting in the bonfire, where he relaxed like he was in a sauna.
“Aaaaaaaah,” he sighed.
Made sense. He was an imp from Hell and summoned fireballs, so sitting in some coals wasn’t going to harm him any.
The same couldn’t be said for Sinterina.
“AAAAAAAAAAAH!” she screamed as she stumbled around, a walking ball of flames.
She was an evil bitch intent on destroying a town and butchering a baby, but even then I couldn’t bear to see what was happening to her.
“STOP DROP AND ROLL!” I yelled at her.
Alaria looked at me curiously. “Why would she do that?”
“That puts out the fire!”
Alaria looked at Sinterina and cocked one eyebrow. “I don’t think it’ll put that one out.”
She was probably right.
Either way, Sinterina didn’t hear me, or she ignored me, because she ran towards the end of the ramp like a flaming meteorite.
And then jumped off the end.
“AAAAAAAH!” she screamed as she swan-dived into nothingness –
And kept on screaming, her shrieks getting farther and farther away.
“…aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…”
