Say it. “I think it’s best if we don’t continue to see each other,” I finally managed. “I feel something inside my chest whenever I’m with you. And it’s telling me we’d better not take things any further.”
He looked deeply into my eyes, then took my hand and placed it over his heart. “Feel that. I think we might be feeling the same thing.”
His heart beat so fast against my hand.
“Wow,” I whispered.
“That’s what’s happening almost any moment I’m with you. For that reason, I fear you might be right about this whole thing…as much as I don’t want to face that.”
I took my hand away and looked down at myself. “I was hoping this red dress would magically transform me into a carefree woman for a night.”
“I don’t want you to be anyone other than who you are, Felicity.”
Every additional second made it more difficult to leave, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
“I think I should go home.”
The disappointment on his face was clear. “I’m sorry this night turned awkward.”
“It wasn’t awkward. It was real. I appreciate your honesty so much. And dinner was amazing. Thank Sig for me.”
When I started to walk away, he followed. “This is it, then? We won’t see each other at all? Even just as friends?”
My eyes stung as I turned to face him. “I think it’s easier if we don’t.”
He blinked like he was searching for an answer but couldn’t find one.
We resumed walking in silence to the driveway where my car was parked.
“I have a favor to ask,” he finally said.
“Okay…”
“I want to see you one more time before I leave—even if it’s just for tea. I don’t know offhand when you’re leaving for school?”
“Probably the end of August.”
“That’s around the time we’re leaving, too. We don’t have an exact day. It’s still up in the air. But would that be okay? To see each other once at the end of the summer?”
I didn’t know how that was going to help, yet I didn’t have the heart to say no. “Yeah. That will be okay.” I smiled, looking down at my phone. “I just realized we don’t even have each other’s numbers.”
“Well, who needs numbers when you have a boat to travel across the bay, right?”
“That’s right. I’m just a ten-mile-an-hour boat ride away.” I winked.
“Might be quicker if I swam, yeah?”
The tension in the air felt thicker by the second.
“May I?” He reached for my phone and entered his phone number. When he placed it back in my hand, he folded his fingers over mine. The warmth of that touch resonated throughout my body. I’d never been more terrified of someone kissing me in my life. I didn’t want to know what that was like, if we were parting ways. It would haunt me. Yet I craved it as well.
But alas, instead of moving closer, he let go of my hand, and a coldness seeped in.
After I handed him back his jacket, I rushed to open my car door.
Leo looked morose as he stood and watched me enter.
I turned on the ignition and offered a simple wave. My heart clenched as Leo touched his hand to his mouth and blew me a slow and gentle kiss. There it was. The kiss I was sure he’d wanted to give me but chose not to. I would cherish it, even if it never physically reached my lips. It had reached my heart.
I knew I’d made the right decision, but as I drove away, I felt more and more unsettled and incomplete.
* * *
Leo
Track 7: “Hello Again” by Neil Diamond
“Where’s Little Red Riding Hood?” my cousin asked as I entered the house.
“She’s gone.”
“Gone? Where did she go?”
Feeling bitter, I gritted my teeth. “She went home. It’s done. Your plan to scare her away worked. Are you happy now?”
His eyes widened in shock. “She left because of what I said at dinner?”
“Wasn’t that your intent?” I shouted. “Laying out all of my dirty laundry to scare her away? She asked me to elaborate out there, and it led to a conversation about how feasible it really was for us to keep seeing each other if she’d only end up getting hurt by my leaving. She came to the conclusion that ending it before it started was best.”
“And you don’t think that’s best?”
It likely was for the best. But right or wrong didn’t change how I felt about her. “I was hoping for some time with her before the inevitable. Ultimately, I agreed with her decision. But none of this should have been influenced by anyone other than her and me.”
“Well, I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intent to make her leave.”
Beyond pissed off, I moved past him and made my way up to my room. I knew we’d probably made the right decision not to pursue things, but it didn’t feel right. How could I be so broken up over someone I barely knew? My gut told me I’d just let someone important go.
I couldn’t let this deter me from enjoying the last of my respite here in the States because I needed to return to England with a clear head. Plain and simple, I needed to get over Felicity, whether I liked it or not.
Two weeks passed. Depending on how you looked at it, you could say I’d done a good job distracting myself—or you could say I’d gone insane.
Sigmund had just returned from a trip to the liquor store when he walked into the kitchen to find me practicing my new hobby.
He put the paper bag on the countertop. “What the hell are you doing?”
I pressed pause on the YouTube video. “Painting.”
“I can see that, but why?”
The other night I’d come across some videos of a bloke named Bob Ross. Apparently, his painting tutorials were legendary. But I’d never heard of him. After an hour of watching him paint, I was transfixed by the movements of his brush and his simple instructions. I’d somehow convinced myself that I might be able to paint just as well under his tutelage. He made it look so easy. Yet when I tried to execute the steps myself, it didn’t work out the way I’d imagined.
I stepped back and crossed my arms to get a look at my painting, which featured a number of green blotches that were supposed to be trees. “It’s coming along, don’t you think?”
“For a primary school art project, perhaps, yes. Is this what you do when I’m not home?”
“I’ve actually been practicing for days—just up in my room, not out here. But I needed a change of scenery. So I brought everything into the kitchen. Better lighting.”
He looked over at the video. “Are you going to grow your hair into a giant puffball to match his as well?”
“I might.”
“Whatever floats your boat, cousin. It’s better than you moping around doing nothing at all. Only slightly better, might I add.”
I’d been in a funk since the night Felicity and I decided not to see each other anymore. I hadn’t seemed to be able to enjoy anything other than being alone and practicing my new hobby. I couldn’t even categorize it as enjoyment, really. It was purely distraction. Sigmund had tried to get me to go out with him, but I had neither the interest nor the energy. For the first time in my life, I understood what depression felt like.
After he left me alone, I ripped open a bag of saltwater taffy and resumed my painting. That was the other odd habit I’d developed, an affinity for this chewy candy that seemed to be popular here and would likely rot my teeth in no time. Incidentally, it tasted nothing like salt water.
When my phone rang, I put down my brush to pick it up. Looking down at the number, I smiled.
“Grandmother,” I answered.
“Leo, how are you, my boy?”
“I’m…” I paused, looked at my painting and laughed at myself for a moment.
Hesitating, I thought about whether or not to tell her the truth. Nan was the only person in this world I could open up to. Even if it wouldn’t change anything, she was the one voice of reason and und
erstanding in my entire family.
I finally settled on, “I’ve been better.”
“Tell me what’s wrong. Is this about a girl?”
I pulled on my hair as I paced. “I…met someone, yes. A very special, wildly intelligent, beautiful, and nonjudgmental person. But I decided not to pursue things, as it wouldn’t be wise…for obvious reasons.”
“You didn’t tell your mother about this, did you?”
“Of course not.”
“Good. You don’t need the additional stress. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
“Agreed.”
“So, you know you made the right decision, but you can’t stop thinking about this girl, I assume? Tell me about her.”
I spent the next several minutes describing Felicity to my grandmother. At heart, my nan was a romantic.
“An orphan? Your mother would crucify that poor girl.”
“That’s one of the many reasons I have to move on.”
“How much longer are you there?”
“The end of August was my plan.”
“Would you consider another destination? Perhaps if you left town, it might be easier to forget her.”
I’d thought about leaving Narragansett. Sigmund would certainly be all for it. But for some reason, I couldn’t pull the trigger. We had already paid for our stay here through the end of the summer—not that money mattered if I truly wanted to leave.
“I have no desire to go anywhere else right now. It’s peaceful here and—”
She finished my sentence. “You’re not ready, because a part of you still wants to be near her.”
I hesitated. “Maybe on a subconscious level. She agreed to see me one more time before I leave and before she moves away to law school.”
“And you haven’t run into her in the meantime?”
“I haven’t left the house much—except to buy taffy and painting supplies.”
“Taffy and painting?” She laughed. “What are you painting?”
I popped another piece of taffy into my mouth and chewed. “Happy little clouds.”
“What?”
I chuckled. “Never mind, Nan.”
“Well, that sounds like a strange existence, my dear. You need to give yourself a good, swift kick in the arse. I realize the pressure your parents have placed on you. And I don’t entirely disagree that you have to follow through with your responsibility to carry on the Covington name and marry someone appropriate for that responsibility, someone who understands our world and can handle the stress. But I wouldn’t be opposed to you doing whatever it took to be happy despite it all.”
“I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”
“As I said before, what your mother doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Someday you’ll marry a woman your parents approve of. But what you do behind closed doors is your own business. Perhaps you can make an arrangement with someone—someone who may need to hide behind appearances as well.”
“Are you suggesting I enter into a sham marriage someday and proceed to live my life the way I want otherwise?”
“I’m just saying…there are options. Not everything is black and white, certainly not in the world we come from.”
While my grandmother’s suggestion was interesting, to say the least, I ultimately concluded that she was crazy for suggesting such a thing. It would be difficult enough to find a woman I cared about who also met my parents’ criteria. The only thing more difficult might be finding a woman willing to enter into a loveless marriage so I could be free to entertain any dalliance I wanted—not to mention reducing someone else I did care about to a virtual concubine.
I had to give Nan credit for thinking outside the box, though. She was a rebel. And creative, if nothing else.
The following evening, Sigmund took off on a weekend trip to Newport with yet another woman he’d met on the dating app. When she arrived to pick him up, he tried everything to get me to go along, but I refused.
Seeing as though he wouldn’t be home to cook dinner, I forced myself to put my paintbrush down long enough to head to the food shop.
It’s a cold reality when you realize that all the choices available at the store mean little because you can’t cook to save your life. I settled on a box of macaroni and cheese, something I’d been meaning to try since arriving in the States, and grabbed a can of SpaghettiOs while I was at it. I’d been spoiled my entire life with personal chefs, and never ate any of the processed foods I’d heard about. Junk food was a novelty.
I’d just exited one of the aisles when a flash of red caught my eye. My heart sped up at the sight of Felicity standing in the bakery section, looking down at the glass display. She hadn’t noticed me. I wasn’t sure if I should say hello or just keep walking. I knew the latter would be wiser, all things considered, but then the universe made the decision for me when Felicity turned and met my eyes.
Her mouth opened slightly. She looked like she didn’t know whether to run or say something.
I smiled and took a few steps toward her. “Fancy meeting you here.”
She let out a breath. “Yeah.”
“Are you buying a cake?”
“Yes, actually. It’s Mrs. Angelini’s birthday.”
“Ah. Very nice.”
Felicity looked down at my basket. “Some healthy choices you have there.”
“Sigmund is in Newport for a couple of days. So I’m planning a processed-food fiesta tonight. If it doesn’t come out of a can or box, it’s not allowed at my party.”
“Looks like you’re missing some SPAM. I think I saw that in aisle five.”
“Thanks for the tip, but I need to pace myself.”
She smiled nervously. “So…how have you been?”
“Keeping busy,” I said, noticing her fidgety hands. “You?”
“Same.”
A long moment of silence ensued.
Although it felt unnatural, I forced myself to leave her be. I assumed it was what she preferred. “Well, pass along my birthday wishes to Mrs. Angelini.”
“I will.”
I nodded. “I’ll see you.”
My chest felt tight as I walked away. I stood in line in a daze, refusing to allow my eyes to search for her again, keeping them fixed on the conveyor belt. The old woman in front of me seemed to have an endless number of coupons. I’d definitely gotten into the wrong line.
By the time I’d checked out, I found myself leaving the shop at the same moment as Felicity, who was now carrying a white cake box.
“Long time no see,” I said.
“Yeah.” She exhaled, her body tense as we walked together through the sliding glass doors.
As we were now heading together toward the carpark, I made conversation.
“Which cake did you settle on?”
“Just a white cake with whipped-cream frosting and strawberries on top.”
“Strawberry on top—just like you.”
God, that’s fucking horrible. It sounded like something Sigmund would say, and I should’ve been shot. My nerves apparently made me stupid, on top of everything else. I rolled my eyes. “I’m sorry. That was pathetically corny.”
“It’s okay.” She smiled. Felicity stopped in front of her vehicle. “Well, this is me.” She shook her head. “Of course, it is. You know that. Who else has a mint green Fiat in this town, right?” She placed the cake box atop her car.
“I’m parked over there,” I offered stupidly. She hadn’t asked where I’d parked. Why the fuck did it matter to her?
We stood facing each other, neither of us moving or saying anything.
Wanting to keep looking into her eyes, I knew I wasn’t going to be the first to leave this spot. I reached into my pocket, taking out a wrapped candy. “Do you like taffy?”
She scrunched her nose. “I hate it, actually. It’s like chewing plastic to me.”
“Well, see, if you hate taffy, it could never have worked between us anyway.” I winked.
I’d expected her
to laugh, but her reaction was just the opposite. While she smiled, it somehow looked sad.
“What’s wrong, Felicity?”
She shook her head slowly. “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Talk to me.”
She didn’t say anything. She just kept staring into my eyes. And the longer she did, the more I needed to taste her lips more than I needed my next breath.
* * *
Felicity
Track 8: “Kiss Me” by Ed Sheeran
I didn’t know how many seconds passed while we stared at each other. The sounds of the parking lot seemed to fade into the distance.
We slowly moved closer until Leo’s lips were inches from mine. How had we gone from a casual and awkward conversation to this moment—so intense that I could hardly breathe? I’d missed him, thought about him every moment of every day for two weeks as I gazed across the bay. And now that he was in front of me, I didn’t know how to hide my feelings.
I couldn’t have told you who kissed whom first. It seemed to happen spontaneously. Our lips got so close that they attached, if by magnetic force. The moment his hot, wet mouth enveloped mine, all the breath I’d been holding escaped into him. Leo let out a slow and sexy groan that vibrated at the back of my throat. I opened wider to let his tongue in, relishing the taste of this beautiful man. It had been so long since I’d been kissed, but only a few seconds in, I knew I’d never been kissed like this, kissed to the point that my knees went weak, that I felt it in every fiber of my body.
We started out tender and easy, but it soon deepened. I felt the metal of my car hit my back as Leo leaned his body into mine. His hands threaded through my hair as my fingers dug into his back. We were lost in each other, neither of us aware that we were still in a very public place. He smelled and tasted so good that I never wanted to stop, nor did I care who might have been watching this go down.
My body buzzed as his warm hand slid down my back, landing just above my ass. I pressed myself into him, aware of the erection against my abdomen. Our tongues sought each other’s taste with reckless abandon. I reached up to rake my fingers through his silky hair.
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