by Izzy Sweet
All at once my feet stop, planting me on the spot, as I peek in and take in the scene.
It’s all a little chaotic but reminds me of something straight out of a Hallmark movie.
Two little girls with dark pigtails run around the dining room table, giggling and carrying-on while the adults attempt to eat dinner.
Everyone looks so happy, so relaxed and at ease with each other, I can’t help but be a little disturbed by it.
Yeah, I guess I’m really fucked up if the sight of a happy family seems strange to me. It’s so foreign to me, I might as well be watching aliens.
Aliens who seem to be happy just being in each other’s company.
Standing here in the doorway, I’ve never felt more like an outsider.
Where do I even fit in here?
I don’t know how to act like them… to be like them. Not with all this shit I’ve got up in my head.
My eyes drift over to my mom sitting beside Logan. He has his big, hairy arm wrapped around her waist and she’s leaning into his side with a smile on her face.
She’s always been my anchor, my place in the world. The only other person like me. But, even seated across from Chase and Avery, she looks like she belongs here. That she’s always belonged here, with her family.
The urge to flee, to escape, suddenly hits me. I’m an intruder, an interloper, and I should have never come here.
But before I can act on the urge, Logan’s deep, booming voice calls out to me.
“’Bout time you joined us, Ms. Sleepyhead.”
Panic grips me, and for a moment I can’t breathe.
I don’t want to ruin my mom’s happiness, but now that I’ve been spotted I can’t run away.
What the fuck do I do? I don’t want to taint this happy family with all my shit.
“Aubrey!” my mom exclaims and stands up from her chair.
I thought she looked happy before, but as soon as her bright gaze lands on me, her entire face lights up with unrepressed joy.
It’s enough, just enough to shatter all these insecurities that have suddenly consumed me.
I start to take a step toward her so she doesn’t have to leave her place when two little bodies suddenly slam into me.
“Aunt Bree!” two little voices squeal as they wrap themselves around my legs.
“Emma, Emily, let Bree go!” Avery says in her stern, mommy voice.
Ignoring their mother, Emma and Emily tip their identical little faces up to peer at me.
“We missed you!” one gushes with pure, childlike honesty while the other frowns, her eyes darkening with reproach.
“Yeah, why haven’t you visited us?”
I open my mouth, at a loss because I wasn’t expecting to get scolded by a five-year-old. Especially a five-year-old I’ve only met once before.
Yeah, I played with them off and on during the wedding to help keep them busy because there were points when they seemed to be getting antsy and bored, but I definitely didn’t expect them to remember me.
Stepping in to save me, Avery says, “Emily, don’t give Aunt Bree a hard time. You know she was at school and school is important.”
“Is that true?” Emily asks with a look of doubt that makes her look twice her age.
It’s mostly true, so I swallow down the sudden, unexplainable sense of guilt I’m experiencing and answer, “Yes, it’s true. You know I go to school in California…”
Emily purses her lips for a second, as if she’s digesting that information. Then, as if her reproach never existed, she beams at me.
“Okay! Want to play with us? Daddy let us bring our Barbies.”
“Girls…” Chase says, his tone firm but his eyes sparkling with mirth. “Let Bree eat first then ask if she wants to play with you.”
Both girls purse their lips into adorable, most likely practiced, pouts and say at the same time, “Yes, Daddy.”
Avery shoots Chase an exasperated look and I watch him smirk back at her.
Shaking her head, Avery mutters something about the girls only listening to him.
Chase tips his head back and laughs.
“Aubrey,” my mom says over Chase’s laughter to get my attention, “I’ve saved a plate for you.”
Tearing my eyes away from the couple, I make my way around the long, elegant dining table to take the seat beside her.
Plopping down on the cream-colored padded dining chair, I grab the metal lid that’s been placed over my plate to keep it warm and whip it off.
“She made your favorite,” Logan says with a touch of pride.
My throat starts to close up as I stare down at a plate of my mom’s homemade lasagna.
I must stare a little too long, though, because my mom asks tentatively, “Is it okay? I can make you something else if you would prefer—”
“No, mom. It’s great. It’s perfect,” I say quickly and force my lips into a smile as I look up at her. “Thank you. It’s exactly what I want.”
And didn’t know I need.
My mom’s shoulders relax and she smiles with relief. “You’re welcome, honey.”
Picking up my fork, I take a bite and have to swallow down a moan of joy.
It tastes like all my happy memories.
My mom’s lasagna is delicious, but it’s more than that. It’s something special she could only do on those rare days when she had the time. And it takes so long to prepare, she could rarely find the time.
But she always tried.
It takes every ounce of willpower I have inside me to keep myself from gobbling down the whole thing and licking the plate clean.
As I’m savoring my fourth bite, one of the twins suddenly plops down in the chair beside me and declares, “Grandma’s lasagna is better than Mommy’s.”
My mom gasps and I widen my eyes as I stare at the little girl smiling up at me.
“Emma Marie, that’s not very polite,” my mom chastises her, clearly upset that she’s being rude and perhaps afraid of offending Avery.
But what’s got me is that she called my mom Grandma.
Somehow that title completely slipped my mind.
“It’s true.” Avery laughs, seemingly not the least bit offended. “But Grandma is right, it’s rude, Emma, and you should be careful about what you say. You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.”
As the grownups try to explain to Emma what she did wrong, I finish my lasagna with the realization that my mom is now a grandma running through my mind.
I don’t know if I love it, hate it, or even care.
Unable to decide, I scrape up every last drop of sauce and push my plate away.
“So… Bree…” Avery smiles at me from across the table. “It’s been awhile. How have you been? How’s school going?”
I know Avery is only being nice and trying to make small talk, but with everything going on, her questions immediately put me on edge.
“Good,” I answer and smile, hoping to leave it just at that.
“She just earned her associate’s,” my mom chimes in for me.
“Oh?” Avery asks, perking up with interest as I cringe inside. “What program did you take?”
I pick up my glass of water and say quickly, “Liberal Arts,” before taking a deep drink.
Undeterred, or perhaps truly interested, Avery starts to ask, “Are you planning on—”
Only to be cut off by the sound of a baby crying.
“Oh, Lane must be up from his nap,” Avery says as she picks up a baby monitor I didn’t even notice until now off the table and switches it off.
She shoots me an apologetic smile as she stands from her chair. “Sorry, excuse me. He’s usually cranky when he wakes up from his naps and wants his mommy.”
“No problem,” I smile back at her, relieved I’ve escaped her questioning.
Once Avery leaves the room, I lean back in my chair and start to relax. I’m so full of lasagna, I’m beginning to feel sleepy.
Chase suddenly says, the deep, commanding
tone of his voice jerking me awake, “Do you have any plans this summer, Bree?”
I blink at him in surprise, my heart stuttering. “No… not really.”
The full, penetrating force of his gaze hits me and I almost squirm in my seat. Damn, just his eyes alone are intimidating as hell. No wonder he was undefeated in the cage. Between that look and his sheer size, I have no doubt with one look he could make grown men cry.
“Really?” he questions as if he doesn’t quite believe me while arching his brow. “You don’t have anything planned?”
Fuck. Does he know something?
“Well…” I stammer, actually squirming this time, “I thought I’d tan by the pool…”
Chase continues to just stare at me, and I’m about to start apologizing for everything I’ve ever done in my life when he asks, “How would you like a job?”
“A job?” I repeat dumbly.
What the hell is going on here? Is he messing with me? Or testing me?
“Yeah, a job,” he drawls out and then his lips quirk up with a smirk. “You know, those things you do for money.”
Fuck. I bet he is testing me. Testing to find out if I’m a spoiled brat who won’t earn her keep.
“Oh, one of those,” I smirk back at him and roll my eyes. If he thinks I’ll balk at the thought of a job, he’s got another thing coming. “Sure, I could use a job. Do you have something in mind?”
I must have passed his little test because Chase’s smirk softens into something that’s close to a smile. “I could use some help around the gym now that Avery is busy with the kids.”
“What kind of help?” I ask, curious but also a little apprehensive.
I’m not in the best of shape. Working out has never been my thing. I’ve tried some yoga and Pilates, but never stuck with it. If he needs someone who’s into fitness, I’m going to have a hard time.
Perhaps sensing my apprehension, Chase reassures me, “Just some help around the office with the administrative stuff. Dealing with memberships and such. It would only be a couple of days a week.”
“Oh, okay… I could do that,” I smile, relieved. “No problem.”
Anything for family, right?
“Great,” Chase says, his smile stretching into a full grin. “Can you come in tomorrow? We’ve got a big event going on.”
“Sure,” I answer automatically.
Why not? I don’t have anything else going on, and it would be cool to see his gym.
“What time do you need me to come in?” I ask, relaxing again in my seat.
Logan starts to chuckle beside me, and I don’t understand why he’s doing it until Chase answers, with his eyes gleaming, “I’ll need you to help me open at six in the morning.”
Chapter Five
Emmett
Having Bear, the big, hulking motherfucker, beside me, breathing quietly and not saying a word, is unnerving as hell right now.
I haven’t had a drink since last night, and I can feel the nerve endings in my shoulder just fucking buzzing with the tingles. There’s also a headache threatening to encompass my entire head.
The tingles, though, are supposed to be more of a psychosomatic thing, at least that’s what the doctor said before I stopped seeing him.
He kept giving me too many warnings about how I was going to kill myself drinking.
“You going to fucking say anything or is this one of those silent gigs?” I ask as I pull up to a red light.
Still with the fucking silence. Nothing out of him beyond a grunt.
“Big, motherfucking, bear,” I grumble and push down on the pedal as soon as the light turns green.
It’s not like I really need his ass acting like a babysitter or anything. Though, if I had it my way, I’d still be passed out in my living room, or maybe awake with a good ice cold beer in my hand.
I don’t need this shit today.
“You planning on taking the longest way possible?” Bear asks in that deep, quiet rumble of his.
“No…” I say, and then turn off my blinker.
For some damn reason my mind was trying to turn away from the gym and head toward the interstate.
Subconsciously, I was absolutely going to go the other way.
“Then let’s skip the long way around and just get it over with. You’ve got obligations at the gym today, and like you said, no promises past today,” he says.
Nodding my head, I refocus on the drive to the gym. Not that I really need to remember how to get there. Before everything that happened, I practically lived there. Tommy and I were there almost every day and night.
Shit, even his son was a fixture.
Casey started getting involved with the youth MMA group Chase was running. He worked as hard as we did a lot of the time, and fuck… I haven’t seen him since the funeral. I tried listening to the messages Tommy’s parents left me, but I just couldn’t do it.
I couldn’t bear the thought of letting all those old fucking wounds open up.
“Bear,” I say quietly, “I… I’m not exactly sure I can do this.”
“Why not?” he asks, and I expect to hear judgement in his tone or maybe even anger.
Instead, he sounds so calm and interested in what I have to say it hurts my stomach.
“Because I… I should have swallowed that bullet,” I gulp out and my eyes start going fucking hazy on me.
Silence again reigns supreme.
Silence is not always golden.
Fuck.
I actually meant what I just said, and it scares the living fuck out of me. I meant that I might be better off putting a bullet through my thick skull. Getting rid of all the bullshit I’ve turned into.
Putting myself out of everyone’s misery, including my own.
“Emmett, when you’re past this point in your life and the alcohol and self-doubt are gone, you’ll realize just how selfish of a thought that truly is. And how extremely cruel it is to every single person around you,” Bear says as he shifts in his seat to face me.
“Fuck man, I mean…” I try to say, but he cuts me off.
“I know what you mean, we’ve all had those moments in our life. Everyone has. But it’s only a moment. You see your life as over. You lost your best friend and you don’t have any family.” He stops and pauses but only for a moment. “But like I said, you’ve got obligations.”
“Which are?” I ask with all the weariness I feel.
Not answering me, he asks a question instead, “Who else is suffering with this in their life?”
I’m not up for games, but I try to think outside of my own little corner of hell for just a moment.
And I don’t like any of the answers I come up with.
“Yeah, I can see it on your face, you thought of who pretty quickly,” Bear says.
“What am I supposed to do, man? I don’t have the answers he needs.”
“I got a feeling it’s not about the answers, Emmett.”
The rest of the drive is at moments uncomfortably silent and then at others absurdly silent. I’m not the type that likes to talk anyone’s ear off, but right now I can’t think of a single thing to say.
The big fuck beside me doesn’t bother talking either, and I almost wish he would lay into me just so I could get out of my own head.
But that doesn’t happen. No, I’m stuck with my own sober thoughts, and it just reminds me that I’m a fucking deadbeat drunk.
With a bit of shakiness, I turn off the engine and sit here, letting the sun bake us inside my Jeep. I don’t really want to get out of the car, but I sure as fuck don’t want to die in here either, suffocating with Bear beside me.
Being completely honest with myself, I’d rather live than die with his big ass beside me.
“Want some advice?” Bear asks as I make no move to exit.
“Sure,” I grunt to him.
“Leave everything in this Jeep, all the emotions and all the baggage. Get out of the car, don’t stare at the ground, and keep moving. Shit’s going to get
real, soon, and you need to get your brain out of the stupor you’ve let it stew in all these months,” he says before opening the door and climbing out.
Fuck, that asshole is big. The fucking Jeep rocked when his weight left it.
Snickering to myself, I open my door and try to shake away the headache I feel coming on. It’s going to be a long day one way or the other.
“Something funny?” Bear asks with a tilt of his head.
“Only to me, big guy,” I grin, and for the first time it doesn’t feel fake to me.
“Let’s get in there, we’ve got a bunch of young up-and-comers doing some exhibition bouts today. We need to see who’s got that little spark of fire,” Bear says and heads into the gym.
Thank fuck it’s not me fighting today. Looking down at my body, I feel ashamed of how I’ve let myself go.
Only today, I promise myself again, I just have to make it through today.
Bear enters the glass front doors and stands there holding them open for me. I know it looks like he’s being polite, but I see it his eyes. He’s not letting me get away from him.
It’s not like I’m going to run now, it would cause way too much of a scene. And I don’t like fucking scenes. I don’t like negative attention on me. I’m a confrontational prick in the cage… or was, but in public I like issues settled quietly.
Walking past him, I get hit with a wave of emotions and memories. This place was a home for me, where I learned who I was and what I could do. Learned to be a man practically, me and Tommy both.
Walking up to the desk, I look all around me, at all the familiar faces and strangers. Anyone who knows me and takes notice just nods or smiles. No looks of incrimination or disgust, no awkward glares. Just as if I never left, everything is business as usual.
It’s as fucking jarring as it is comforting.
I see Chase standing behind the main counter of the gym, talking to Avery and a petite blonde chick who looks like she could be a model on some runway if she wasn’t so short. She’s not even that short really, but everyone who ever ends up next to Chase always ends up looking like fucking munchkins.
“Emmett!” Avery beams at me as she rushes around the counter and wraps me up in a quick hug.
