He stood at the edge of the bed, his eyes narrowed. “But what if you don’t? Have you considered that? Has it crossed your mind that I might have done things you could never forgive?”
“There’s nothing—”
He cut me off. “You don’t know that.”
I switched tactics. “Is there anything I could have done to make you…?” Stop loving me is what I thought. But it felt weird to say it out loud like that when he hadn’t ever said it himself. “To change the way you feel about me?”
“It’s not the same.”
“You don’t know that either.” To be fair, he knew very little about the things I’d done before. I hadn’t wanted to tell him, hadn’t wanted him to know the awful ways I’d invaded people’s lives. I completely understood about wanting to let the past lie.
“Then tell me.”
I swallowed but didn’t let the trepidation show on my face. “Anything?”
He sat on the bed, facing me. “The restraining order against you was filed by Paul Kresh. Who was he?”
I closed my eyes for half a second. Hudson had read my police files. Of course he would remember the details.
My hesitation spurred him. “See? You can’t tell me.”
“He was a guy,” I blurted out. I wasn’t stupid. If I wanted him to share, I’d have to do the same. “Just a guy who picked me up once when I was clubbing.”
“You fucked him.”
Another deep breath. “Yes.”
Hudson’s eye twitched. “Go on.” His voice was tight.
“He took me to his place. And after…well, after, he wanted me to leave. But I played drunk and stayed the whole night.”
“Then what?”
“Then I went through his things while he was sleeping and discovered wedding invitations. He had a fiancée. She was out of town for the weekend or something and I was a girl he’d picked up. But he didn’t realize that I’d been crushing on him for weeks. I’d seen him with her, and I didn’t care. When I saw him alone that night, I made myself available.”
My hands were sweaty—I’d been holding them in a ball. I wiped them on the bed next to me as I went on. “Of course, he wanted me gone, to pretend it never happened. Wanted me to forget his address. He never gave me his number, but I’d gotten that when he was sleeping, too. Sent myself a text from his phone so I’d have it.”
I paused, trying to remember how I’d felt, how desperate I’d been for Paul to be in my life. “I couldn’t let him go. I thought…” My voice trailed off at the memory. “I don’t know what I thought.”
Hudson turned so that his back was against the headboard. “Yes, you do. Tell me.”
I sat back next to him, stretching my legs out in front of me. “I thought he was my soul mate. That I was meant to be with him or something. Before I even actually talked to him. I know. Crazy. It was crazy.” I stared at my toes. “I was crazy.”
“No, you weren’t. You only wanted to be loved.”
Hudson’s rich brandy tone pulled my eyes to his. “Yes,” I said, meaning so much more than yes, I wanted to be loved. Meaning yes, we understand each other, yes, we get it.
Yes, we weren’t crazy or sociopaths or horrible people. We only wanted to be loved.
“Anyway,” I smoothed my hair behind my ear, “I didn’t have a job. I was living off my inheritance, which is gone now, and so I had plenty of time to wait outside his apartment and follow him to work. Every day. For months. Two? Three? I don’t remember exactly. One day, I told the security guard he was my boyfriend. I convinced him to let me in his office during lunch. When Paul came back, I was waiting for him.” I lowered my lids. “Naked.”
Hudson’s eye twitched again.
“He turned me away, H. Called security before I had a chance to even throw some clothes on.” My throat closed at the humiliating memory. “He filed the restraining order after that.”
I studied his face, trying to pick up on the slightest change in his expression, hoping to pick up on his thoughts. But I came up with nothing. His features were stone.
Would he ever let me in?
Hudson brought his index finger up to his face and rubbed the tip along his chin. “But that’s not all, is it? Your record says you violated the order.”
I felt my face flush. “I, um, I did.” God, talking about it was embarrassing. Even thinking it made me want to crawl in a hole. Of the stupid, idiotic, insane things I’d done, this had been one of the worst. “I became friends with Melissa.”
He nodded once, immediately understanding. “His fiancée.”
“Yeah. I joined her Pilates class and became buddy-buddy with her. So she started inviting me out with her and her friends. Eventually I ended up at a party that Paul was at too. He was livid. And he had to decide if he wanted to ignore it or report me. If he reported me, Melissa would find out about the one-night. I wouldn’t leave things alone, so he reported it. And she broke things off.”
“He deserved that.”
“Maybe.” I wasn’t so sure. Yes, he’d cheated on his fiancée, but that didn’t make up for my role in things.
“He deserved worse in my book.” Though Hudson was guarding his reaction to my story, his casual crumbs of support in my favor helped put me at ease. “And Paul’s the only one this happened with?”
No. Not even close. “He was the only one who went to the police.”
“I see.” Hudson was quiet for a handful of seconds, absorbing. Finally, he furrowed his brow, and looked me eye-to-eye. “Why would you think that this would change how I feel about you?”
“Are you kidding? Aren’t you worried I’ll become that hung up on you?”
“I’m hoping you become that hung up on me.” He draped his arm around my shoulder. “Paul was a fucking asshole who didn’t realize what he had in front of him. I do. Get hung up on me.”
“I am hung up on you!” I turned to kiss his shoulder. “But careful what you wish for. If I go crazy on you, you’ll want me gone.”
He turned his cheek to nuzzle against the top of my head. “I’d never drive you away. Not on purpose.”
It was sweet—being held and told that I was wanted. I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Yet, I still felt Hudson didn’t understand the severity of the things I’d done.
I sat forward and turned my entire body to face him, pulling my legs underneath me. “But what if I started to doubt you? That’s happened before, too. Where I didn’t trust anything my boyfriend said to me, no matter how innocent they were. And then I snooped and invaded privacy and people got hurt.”
“Then I simply have to make sure that you never have any reason to doubt me.” He swept his hand out in front of him. “Snoop away. I have nothing to hide from you here.”
And there was my ticket back to where we’d started the conversation. “You’re hiding your past.”
He groaned. “I’m not hiding my past. There’s simply nothing worth talking about. It’s ugly. Why would you want to focus on the bad things?”
“It’s not focusing; it’s sharing and then moving on.”
He shook his head.
“I told you mine. That’s not fair.”
This time I got a steady glare.
“Come on. Anything. One thing.” I felt desperate. Opening up had been hard, and I wasn’t even getting the reward that I’d counted on.
I stared at him with wide, pleading eyes.
“One thing and you’ll leave it alone?”
I nodded enthusiastically.
“Okay, one thing.” He sighed. “It was a game. Always a game. And my favorite was the same one I played on Celia. Make a woman fall for me, and when she did, I was done.” He paused, and for half a second I feared that was all he was going to say.
But then he went on, his eyes glossy with memory. “There was one time, though, I wanted to see if I could make someone fall for someone else, someone they had no interest in. I knew this guy, Owen, who was a real ass. A complete man-whore. And t
his woman, Andrea—a girl, really. She was in my tennis club my second year of college. Very shy, simple, homely. I discovered she had a thing for me. Having a thing for me was very dangerous.” He stared pointedly at me. “Still is.”
I rolled my eyes. “No, it’s not. Go on.”
“I set her up with Owen. Not just on a date, more. I played silent matchmaker. Got them together. I convinced Owen he was doing me a favor by taking her out a few times. Meanwhile, I’d fill him with all these stories of how amazing Andrea was, how her true beauty was inside. And it happened—they fell for each other. Completely. Sincerely.”
I blinked. Twice. “That’s a beautiful story.”
“Then I fucked her and showed Owen the pictures.”
“Oh, my god.” My hand flew instinctively to my mouth. I hadn’t been prepared for that and immediately felt ashamed. I’d been trying to be supportive. He’d tried to shock me. He won.
Hudson carried on as if I hadn’t reacted. “Andrea tried to tell Owen it was a mistake, that I’d tricked her, which I had. I didn’t rape her—I never raped anyone. But he wouldn’t listen to her. They were both…broken, is the best way to describe it. Andrea left school in the middle of the semester. I never heard anything about her again.”
“And Owen?” My voice sounded much feebler than I would have liked.
“He went back to sleeping with anyone with two legs. Last I heard he’d gotten HIV. I don’t know. I lost track of him.”
He studied me, the same way I’d studied him a moment before, and I knew he read me. Saw what I was feeling. I couldn’t be stoic as he’d been. I couldn’t hide my emotions.
His features grew dark. “I told you, you didn’t want to hear it. I told you—”
“Just give me a second to process,” I stuttered, ashamed that I needed the delay. I’d said his past wouldn’t change how I felt about him. Did it? I pushed past the horror of the story and focused on Hudson, the man who had committed the horror. Did knowing these things change how I felt for him?
My pause was too long for him. “See, Alayna? See why your past means nothing to me? Compared to me, you were an angel. You hurt people because you loved too much. I hurt people because I could.”
I jerked my eyes to his. No, my feelings for him hadn’t changed. If anything, they’d grown deeper. How lonely, how sad, how broken did a man have to be to feel compelled to destroy the people around him? And how strong and worthy was that same man to attempt to be someone different in the aftermath?
I was in his lap before a second had passed by, straddling him, my hands resting on the sides of his neck. “No.” I aligned my eyes with his and said it again. “No. You hurt people because you didn’t have any idea what love really was. You were trying to understand it in the only way you knew how. It’s horrible, yes. But it’s forgivable. I forgive you. I forgive a thousand worse things you may have done. I can forgive anything.”
I caressed his cheek with my palm. “Because I love you. I love you too much, like I always do, but this time I don’t regret it and I don’t wish I could take it back because you need it. So take it from me, H. Take it all from me.”
He buried his head into my neck and sighed, a deep sigh that sounded both haunting and freeing. Wrapping my arms around him, I stroked his hair, whispering his name at his ear.
Soon he found my lips, and we disappeared into the sweetest, most languid kiss that lasted on and on, neither losing momentum nor turning frenzied.
It was a long time later before our clothes were discarded and Hudson slid us to a lying position, stretching me out over the length of his body. And just like the kiss had lasted on and on, we made love slow and leisurely, giving and taking from each other until the wee hours of the night when we were certain that the memory of our bodies together burned stronger and brighter than the horrid memories we’d shared from our past.
Chapter Five
“What do you call these rooms again? They’re amazing!” Julia Swaggert, founder of Party Planning Plus, pressed her forehead on the glass of the enclosure and looked out over The Sky Launch’s empty dance floor.
“Bubble rooms,” I answered behind her, pleased that Julia seemed impressed with The Sky Launch. Our meeting had begun at eleven, and now, forty-five minutes later she was still engaged and interested in my proposals for a partnership.
“And when they’re occupied—” I flipped the light switch on that indicated a room was in use.
Julia’s face lit up as the room glowed red. “Ha-ha. Awesome. Can people see inside them?”
“Unfortunately, yes. We’d have too many legal issues if we were to install one-way mirrors in them. But when it’s dark on the floor, you can’t see very much inside them. Mostly silhouettes.”
“Hot.”
I liked Julia. Instantly. She was fun and enthusiastic but also had a smart head on her shoulders. I could tell why she came highly recommended in the event planning world. She was definitely someone who could boost The Sky Launch’s business, and my excitement grew about the possibilities as I showed her around the club.
“This is totally perfect for Bachelorette parties, as you suggested.” She wrote a couple notes down on her tablet with her stylus and turned back to face me. “Actually, I can think of a few types of events that might be interested in this venue. If you can come up with some pricing packages—” She tapped her pen across her cheek, leaving her sentence for me to finish.
“Sure thing.” Damn, did that sound too eager? I really wanted to make this deal, to prove that I could do all the things I’d said I could when I applied for the promotion. And, to be honest, I wanted Hudson to be proud of me.
I wasn’t taking notes on paper, but I was mentally. “Do you have some things you’d like to see in particular as part of the packages?”
She nodded energetically, her dull brown curls sweeping her shoulders as she did. “A dollar amount at the bar is a must. Perhaps a selection of appetizers. Few pre-brides will be expecting dinner when they’re clubbing, so light on the food and heavy on the drinks.”
That had been pretty much what I’d been thinking. “Would add-ons be of interest? Like male waiters or a penis-shaped cake?”
She laughed. “I think you know what you’re doing.”
A bleep bleep came from Julia’s purse. “Ah, that’s my partner,” she said, digging inside. “He was overseeing arrangements for an event we have later and said he’d join me here if he got free.” She retrieved her phone and read the screen. “Yay, he’s here. Mind if he comes up?”
“Not at all. The front doors are locked, though, since we’re not open during the day. I’ll have to walk down and let him in.”
“I’ll come with you.” She followed me as I exited the bubble room. “I want to get his feedback from the moment he enters. See if he loves it as much as I do. I can’t believe I had no idea this place existed!”
We walked back down the stairs and through the club, Julia commenting on different features of the club as we passed them.
She nodded to the bar on the lower level as we passed. “I’m so glad there’s a bar on each floor.”
“There are two bars on this floor: the main one and a smaller side one that we only operate on the weekends. Food is only served upstairs. So the first floor is tailored for drinking and dancing while the upstairs level with the bubble rooms and lounging areas is geared more toward socializing.”
“Nice. And you can rent out the entire club for events?”
“Of course.”
“Can you put together some packaging for that? I know some corporations that might like this for holiday parties and such.” She pointed to a counter near the front of the club. “And what’s this? An information desk?”
“That’s the coat check.” Or a fabulous place to make out, I thought, remembering how Hudson and I had spent some time in there one evening before my shift. “Oh, whoops! That’s not supposed to be there.” I grabbed a serving tray that had been left on the coatroom counter.
I skipped back up the ramp to the front bar to deposit the tray behind the counter then headed back.
As I returned, I heard Julia gushing about The Sky Launch to her partner, whose back was to me. “It’s an amazing club, baby. A total gem.”
Baby, huh? Partner must mean more than just in business.
“Plus we’d be hooked up to Pierce Industries, and that’s a major bonus for us. We have to score this deal. I can already think of two couples this place would appeal to.” Julia’s tone echoed the excitement I felt about our impending venture. “The Fredericks for one.”
Julia spotted me walking toward them. “Here she is. Alayna Withers, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend and partner at Party Planners Plus—”
Her partner turned around to face me, and I nearly choked as Julia finished her introduction.
“Paul Kresh.”
My heart stopped. Literally stopped for the space of two beats. Paul Kresh, the man I’d stalked and terrorized. God, oh god. He had a restraining order out on me. I couldn’t be within one hundred feet of him and there he was, standing a yard in front of me, his features frozen in a state of shock that had to mirror mine.
Fuck.
There went my affiliation with Party Planners Plus.
Julia carried on, unaware of anything odd between her boyfriend—that’s what she’d called him, anyway—and me. “Paul, this is Alayna, the…Wait.”
She paused and I worried she’d figured it out, that she’d pieced together his expression and my name. If she knew about me, that was.
But when she spoke again, her words were harmless. “I’m sorry. I don’t even know your title.” She laughed, and I blinked at the oddness of the sound in contrast to the panic that was rushing through my veins.
David and I had come up with my official title only the day before, but I was so stunned by Paul’s arrival and Julia’s obliviousness that it took me a second to respond. “Um, Events and Promotional Manager.”
I didn’t know if I should shake his hand or run. If I should act like an old friend or as if we’d never met.
Complete Fixed: The Complete Fixed Series: Books 1-5 Page 32
