It’s a death. The ending of what was, and the painful rebirth that follows. I wrap my arms around myself, my fingernails digging into my ribcage, clutching on as if I can hold to where I was. I will the world to stop spinning around me. I break out in a sweat. I cry the only name that gives me comfort. Her name. Over and over.
I don’t want to go through this. I don’t want to be without her. I don’t want to miss her like I do, longing for her taste, her touch, her sounds. I don’t want to be reborn in this new world, a world that means nothing in her absence.
I don’t want to be in this life without her.
The next morning, I’m met with a text on my phone. I hold my breath, hoping it’s from Alayna. It’s not, but the message motivates me to get out of bed anyway. It’s from Norma. All the papers are in place. I’ll have them waiting on your desk when you get in.
Finally, I have what I need to get rid of Celia once and for all.
Seven hours later, I’m sitting on the armchair in the loft, swirling the ice in my empty glass of Scotch while Celia looks over the contracts for the business I’ve worked so hard to acquire. I’ve dragged this moment out, letting her argue and goad before presenting her with the facts. It’s the last game I ever plan on playing, and I want to enjoy it.
Except there isn’t any enjoyment in it. There’s no rush. There’s no thrill. Perhaps I’m too numb with sadness about Alayna, but I know that’s not it. I’ve lost the taste for the play. That’s all.
So as Celia reads, I silently say goodbye. Even through the ache, I feel a breath of peace.
I watch her as she flips through the pages. She takes her time. I’m sure some of the language is difficult for her to sift through, but I can tell when she understands. Her face goes white, and her breathing slows.
Finally, she asks, “How did you…?”
“Very sneakily.” I force myself to relish this moment. I did this for Alayna, and I wish she could witness it. I’m proud that I could do this for her, though she would never have needed this sort of protection if it weren’t for me in the first place. “I’ll admit, it wasn’t easy. I had to convince another company to purchase a portion of the stock, and then I bought out that company—you don’t really want the details, do you?”
She scowls. Every trace of humor has left her eyes.
“The contracts are signed now. That’s all that matters. I’m officially the majority owner of Werner Media Corporation.”
Celia’s lips tighten as she closes the file that contains the contracts. “And you said you’d quit playing the game.”
“I had one final move to make.” I wonder briefly if she really thinks that’s what all of this is for me—another game. She’d loved once upon a time. Doesn’t she remember?
A familiar stab of guilt strikes me, low and hard in the gut.
And then it’s gone.
It’s been so easy to blame myself for her choices. But sooner or later, we have to take responsibility for ourselves—just as Dr. Alberts said. I may have taught her this life, but she’s the one who chose to embrace it. Now, as I try to show her another way to live, she refuses to see it.
I’m not responsible for her. It’s the final snipping of the cord that bound us together. The last strand between us clipped, and now we’re both completely free.
Celia sees it too. She lets me go with a long, slow hiss of air. “It’s checkmate, is it then?”
“You tell me.” It’s almost admirable how she plays to the very end. Once upon a time, I would have been impressed. Now, I’m weary.
“What are your plans for Werner Media?”
This is a fair question. “At the moment, I have no plans. The company’s doing well as it is. Warren Werner is definitely the right man to be in charge. However, if there were any reason that I felt his presence was no longer needed…” I trail off, letting her fill in the blanks.
“He’d be devastated.” Her brows are pinched, and her usual stone-cold expression has been replaced with despondency.
I feel a flicker of relief. I’d gambled here. My entire plan only worked if Celia still had the capability to care for someone other than herself—namely, her father. It’s further proof that she’s only living like she’s heartless because she chooses to.
Though I don’t rule out that her concern may be monetary—I’ve been convinced for ages that Celia lives off her daddy’s wealth. And while he’d still have it even if I stole his title, it’s less likely he’d feel as generous. It’s wellknown that a happy Warren is a sharing Warren.
“I imagine he’d be devastated just to learn he no longer holds controlling interest. For now, the fact is still hidden. He has no idea that he’s no longer in charge. Would you like that to change?”
“No,” she says.
“Do you plan on doing anything that might cause me to alter my current business plan?”
Her shoulders sag. “No.”
“Then yes, it’s checkmate.”
We sit silently for several minutes. It’s been a long battle. And this is the official end of our friendship. It deserves some mourning. Memories flip through my mind like a bunch of stills in a photo slideshow. Some are from so long ago, I can’t date them accurately. Others so imprinted in my soul I’ll never forget the details. Her winning backhand stroke in a game of tennis that had been so close. The bottle of champagne we opened at the end of our first successful play. Her hand on my back, and her soft, sincere confession—I love you.
This is all the time I’ll spend grieving for what we once were. It’s brief, but I let myself feel it.
Eventually, she stands. “I guess it’s time for me to go.”
“It is. I’ll walk you out.”
I check my watch as we cross the floor together. I need to leave for my parents’ in half an hour or so. Today is Mirabelle’s planned intervention. A day of hard words, I think. And hard emotions. It’s as if I can make up for a lifetime of non-feeling in just a few days’ time. It’s something I hope to never have to do again.
I open the door for Celia and hold it wide for her to cross past me. She doesn’t look at me as she does. Or I don’t look at her. I’m not sure which. I start to shut it behind her when my gaze hits something unexpected—a duffel bag on the floor. It’s Alayna’s. I’m sure of it.
Or is that wishful thinking?
No, it’s hers. I packed it for her on our trip to the Poconos. But what is it doing here?
A sudden burst of anticipation shoots through me, and I scan the room, hoping against all hopes that I’ll see what I so want to see.
I do.
My eyes lock on hers. She’s kneeling on the floor at the threshold to the bedroom. Her posture suggests that she’s not here to stay, that she didn’t want me to know she was even here at all—the duffel is misleading. Still, I’m elated. I’ve missed seeing her face, missed connecting with her even on such a base level.
I’m desperate to stay and talk to her. Eager to find out why she’s here. And, I realize suddenly, she’s seen the ending of me and Celia. I couldn’t have wished for her to witness anything else that might better prove my love for her.
But though I’m desperate and eager and so yearning to stay, I know that if I do, I’ll never get out of here in time for my mother. It’s an obligation I can’t ignore. Something I need to do before I can say my demons are slayed, and I’m able to be the man that Alayna might be able to call hers again.
I’m not the only one who’s not ready—she’s not ready either. I feel it deep in my soul. She needs more time to process, and rushing it will do me no good for the long-term.
So I have to hold on to this moment to get me through. Hold on to the love that still shines so clearly in her eyes and hope that it can eventually be enough.
“Hold the elevator,” I call after Celia without looking away from my precious Alayna. It’s always so hard to leave her. But right now, I’m feeling strong, and I shut the door behind me.
Celia’s waiting in the elevator ho
lding the door open button. I step inside, and the door closes. We travel silently for several seconds before she says, “Well, this is awkward.”
Honestly, I’ve forgotten she is even there. I’m still back in the loft, my heart and my mind fixed on Alayna. I pull myself from there to the present. “Is it really? I haven’t ever lost this big. I wouldn’t know.” I blame my condescension on the rush from discovering our eavesdropper. But I may have been just as cocky had Alayna gone unseen.
Celia does not seem to appreciate it. “You’re an asshole.”
“It’s a fraction of what you deserve.” The smallest fraction, though, and I try not to dwell on the list of myriad worse things I could do to her. It’s satisfying to contemplate but more focused on the negative than I’d like to be.
Celia crosses her arms over her chest and eyes me. “You know, my father is going to retire someday. What will you have over me then?”
I roll my eyes. “Please. Your father’s going to work until he dies. I give him another twenty years, at least. If you’re still holding on to a revenge plot at that time…well, I don’t think you could call anything you do a win then. You aren’t that pathetic.”
A sideways glance at her says that maybe she is that pathetic. The idea of her still perpetuating this scheme against us years from now enrages me. I level my gaze at her and steel my voice. “But if you need further reason to drop this game, let me give one to you. I tied your hands legally. I’d prefer not to use other methods to stop you, but hear this—I’d kill for Alayna if it came down to it. Please don’t test me on that.”
She shrugs dismissively. “It was only a question. I didn’t mean anything by it. The game is over, and I’m bored with you both.” She purses her lips. “I certainly hypothesized incorrectly on this one, didn’t I? I’d never have pegged you for a hero.”
It’s a backhanded compliment, and it makes me smile inwardly. She’s not alone. I certainly never would have bet on me to fall in love.
But wait—why was she pegging me at all? “Who exactly was your subject on this experiment, Celia?”
The doors open, and she exits without answering. Stunned by my realization, I’m a few steps behind her. I’m not about to run her down, but I call after her again. “Celia?”
Surprisingly, she turns back. “What?”
I close the distance between us, my heart that had skipped a beat a moment before now racing. “You were never really playing Alayna, were you? It was me. You were playing me.”
The spark in her eyes say I’ve hit the nail on the head.
The pieces fit together suddenly: the reason why she was so reluctant to let this one go—Alayna was only the pawn. All along, Celia had been studying my emotions, my behavior. It was me that was the subject of her scheme.
It’s ridiculous that I haven’t seen this before, that I never expected it. Didn’t she owe this to me all along? I deserved her retaliation. Sleeping with my father was punishment, but it never equated to the kind of manipulation I’d put her through. This though—this does. Questions race through my mind. How many years has she planned this? Did she want me to fall in love? Or was her goal to prove I actually couldn’t? Did she want me to hurt, or just know how it felt to be deceived? Would she have played me if I hadn’t quit? Was this always her goal? Was our entire friendship really just a long game?
I’m blown away.
And impressed. And angry. Really angry.
And, also, the tiniest bit grateful. Celia is to credit for my relationship with Alayna, after all. I’m smart enough to know I would never have gone after the woman who enamored me if my old friend hadn’t pushed me to it.
It doesn’t redeem her. But it eases an ache of sorts. She’d always said I’d saved her by introducing her to my world—was that true or part of her scheme? Whether it was or not, now she’s saved me. She’s given me this life with Alayna.
Perhaps nobody won this game after all. Maybe we’re simply, finally, even.
She spins on her heels, leaving me reeling from my revelation. Of course, she delivers parting words, thrown flippantly over her shoulder. “Take care, Hudson. If you ever decide to rejoin the game, you know where to find me.”
My mind spins all the way to my parents’ place. After turning over my keys to the valet, I stand in the lobby and attempt to gather myself before going upstairs. It’s difficult to set aside the events of the afternoon, but I focus on Mirabelle and all I owe her. Then I step in the elevator and head up.
I’m the last one to arrive for this intervention, even though I’ve gotten here early. The whole family is present, as well as Adam. Madge Werner is here too. She must not blame my mother for Celia’s night with my father ten years ago, though she does carefully avoid any eye contact with Jack. She doesn’t seem to be too happy with me either. I suppose my participation in the lie is enough to make her dislike me. She’s uncomfortable, yet she’s still here in support of Sophia. It’s admirable.
It goes as well as any of these types of things can. There’s lots of crying, mostly from my mother, who sits on the sofa clutching Madge with silent tears streaming down her otherwise stone face. Everyone speaks. Chandler says he wants a mother he can bring a girlfriend home to. Adam talks a lot about the kind of environment he wants to raise his baby in. Madge reminisces about an earlier time in their friendship when neither of them touched alcohol.
Mirabelle gives the heaviest ultimatum. “Be sober or don’t be in my life.”
It’s after this that Sophia agrees to go to rehab. She’ll do anything for that grandchild.
But even with her acquiescence, there are two of us left to talk, and we will not be skipped. Jack goes first. “I know the man you married disappeared a long time ago with the woman you once were. If I’m asking you to be her again, then it’s only fair that I find him again as well. You’ve always been the love of my life, Sophia, even though the life I created for you—for us—was a shitty one. But, hell, we’re still young. There’s no reason we can’t start a better life together now.”
My mother doesn’t say a word, but she pats the cushion on the other side of her after Jack’s speech. He moves to her immediately and wraps her in his arms. It’s now that she crumbles, her face buried in his chest. Mirabelle and I exchange a stunned glance. We’ve never seen such affection between our parents. It’s quite moving.
I go last. Careful not to include Celia’s involvement—Madge is here, and this isn’t the place to unearth more secrets that aren’t mine—I share the nature of my relationship with Alayna. How I became involved with her. How I fell in love and betrayed her. It’s shocking and disappointing, and I can feel the anguish in the room grow heavier, and for a short second, I wonder how shocked and disappointed they would all feel to know that Celia had done the same to me.
God, I still can’t believe it.
But I can’t go there because then I have to reveal the whole story behind Celia and me, which is neither here nor there at the moment.
So I stick to Alayna.
It’s a short confession. This isn’t my intervention, after all, but my tale is relevant.
She doesn’t look at me, but I end directly addressing Sophia. “I no longer know what came first, Mother—your drinking or my emotional withdrawal. It’s like trying to answer the age-old question of the chicken or the egg. While blame is not important, I do know that our behaviors are directly correlated. That I’ve contributed to your addiction. That you’ve contributed to mine. With that in mind, I think that if I get well and you get well too, then both of us will have a better shot.”
My mother shifts, raising her eyes to mine.
I feel my throat tighten, but I talk through it. “We’ve both been hiding our flaws behind these crutches. It’s time we face them. I’m back in therapy. I don’t want to be that person anymore, and I vow that I’m going to change. For myself. For Alayna. For you. Will you change too? For all of us? For me? For you?”
It’s a simple nod that she gives, but it’
s everything. We’ll never be able to repair our past. I know this. We will always be strained and awkward and, perhaps, even cruel toward one another. But we will forever have this one moment where I asked her for her love, and she gave it. It’s enough to last a lifetime.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
It’s the day after my mother’s intervention, and already that seems like a lifetime ago. I’m sitting in the dressing room of Mirabelle’s Boutique, wallowing. I hadn’t planned to come to the reopening—I’d promised I wouldn’t, in fact.
But I was convinced otherwise. By Jack, of all people.
We’d just gotten to the addiction center to drop off my mother when my father handed me the keys. “I’ve called for a ride for me and Chandler. Take the car, go to Mira’s and fight.”
So I did.
And then I lost.
I put everything on the line, and Alayna still turned me away. I’m not giving up, but I haven’t quite gotten the strength to figure out my next move yet. Maybe I’m waiting for direction. Which is why I’m still here when my sister bangs on the door, nearly an hour after Alayna’s left. Frankly, I’m surprised she hasn’t shown up earlier. I suppose her grand reopening celebration kept her occupied. I knew she’d find me eventually.
Mirabelle enters without invitation, peering first around the door—looking for Alayna, I assume—before shutting it behind her.
I rise from the bench I was sitting on and scratch the back of my neck. “She left. I’m sorry.” I’m pretty sure Alayna was done with her part of the show, though, so I don’t really feel that bad.
Mirabelle walks up to me, places her small hands on my chest and shoves. “What the hell, Hudson? You weren’t supposed to be here.” She shoves me again for good measure.
I wrap my hands around her wrists. “And you’re supposed to be watching your blood pressure. Stop shoving.”
She wriggles out of my grasp and puts her fists on her hips. “If my blood pressure’s spiking, it’s not because of the shoving. It’s the man who’s being shoved that’s causing me anxiety.” She moves again to push me, but this time I catch her first.
Complete Fixed: The Complete Fixed Series: Books 1-5 Page 122
