by Hart, Rebel
She roared with laughter. “It’ll work out, Rae. Come on.”
I sighed. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know.”
Allison released my hand and I leaned back in the wooden booth. As I gazed out over the water to the left of us, I felt uncertainty bloom in my stomach. It made me feel sick. My appetite for ice cream was gone. The more I talked about school, the more fearful I was of it. The more I heard my mother cry, the more I felt as if I was making a wrong decision.
I sighed. “How am I going to get through with you and Michael six hours away?”
Allison smiled weakly. “We can make things work. We can do this, okay? Weekends together. Parties at Stanford you can come to. When we all come home for holidays and stuff. We’ll see one another more than you think.”
But, is that enough? “Yeah. Sure.”
“Rae.”
I waved my hand in the air. “It’s fine. Really.”
“It’s not fine. Something’s on your mind.”
“I’m just worried. It’s nothing. I’ll sleep it off.”
“Talk to me, Rae.”
I groaned. “It’s just all easier said than done, you know? I mean, sure, the beginning of the semester might be easy enough. But, what happens once classes ramp up? What happens when you get bogged down with reading? And schoolwork? I mean, think about all the times I’ve come over and interrupted you doing homework, Allison.”
She looked at me, but she didn’t speak.
“Think about all the times I’ve had to track you and Michael down in order to spend time with you.”
“Rae, it’s not--”
I shook my head. “I’m not trying to be a downer. But I am trying to be a realist. This is a massive change. And everyone’s acting like things will be hunky dory.”
“I mean, do you want me to tell you that we’ll never see one another and eventually drift apart? Is that going to make you feel any better?”
I snickered. “I don’t know. Is that what’s going to happen?”
I searched Allison’s eyes for a signal. Or a sign. Anything to tell me my paranoia wasn’t grounded in anything real. But all she did was shrug. A shrug. My best friend of years and years, and she didn’t even know if we’d be able to preserve our friendship. I slumped back into my chair and stared back out over the ocean. I didn’t know where the boys were, and I didn’t care. I was losing my best friend. My life. Leaving it all behind for a school I wasn’t even sure I wanted to attend. The last semester of our senior year changed so much. Allison and Michael grew even closer. Clint and I spent every waking moment together. He was talking about his future plans with starlight growing in his eyes. He practically bubbled over the brim with excitement!
And then there was me. Dreading every second. Counting down the days until doomsday. Still not sure about the decisions I’d made with my life. Every plan I laid out before myself had been obliterated when Allison got into Stanford. No apartment-sharing for us. Because fuck-only-knew I’d never make it into a school like that with my mediocre grades. And there weren’t any community colleges around Stanford that had a graphics design associate’s.
So there went the shared apartment.
Now I had all this money saved up and nothing to do with it. If I got a place of my own, I’d eat through it in three months before I’d be broke. I was two weeks away from my last day on a job I’d had for years. I was three weeks away from packing up my things and moving into a dorm room that would house another stranger under its roof with me. Instead of Allison, in our apartment, like we had always planned.
Life had already changed quickly around us. And I knew it wouldn't stop.
Which meant there wasn’t a damn thing any of us could do to stop it.
2
Clinton
“This fucking traffic. Come on!”
Michael honked the horn in his SUV as we sat in standstill traffic. The girls had been at the boardwalk by themselves for damn near forty minutes, and we couldn't get there to save our lives. Despite the windows being rolled down and the classic rock station turned up, I shifted in my seat. My eyes darted around. My pulse ticked up.
I wanted this to be a stress-free day for Rae.
And it was turning into anything but that.
“What the hell is all this traffic about?” Michael asked.
I shrugged. “Who the fuck knows?”
“I mean, wouldn't they have cleared it by now if it was an accident? Do you see any orange cones for construction?”
“We’ll get there when we get there. Not much we can do unless we want to pull over and walk.”
He snickered. “Had we done that before, we’d already be there by now.”
“Well, in a few weeks you guys won’t be here to experience any of it.”
Mike put his car in park. Never a good sign when sitting in traffic. But, I knew exactly what I had said to trigger his response. I felt him turn to me, but I refused to meet his stare. Because I wasn’t ready for the question about to fly out of his face.
“Clint?”
I rolled my eyes. “No, Mike.”
“Clint. Look at me.”
“No, thanks.”
“You going to man up and have this conversation? Or am I going to have to pull it out of you?”
I snickered. “I’d like to see you try.”
And when I rolled my eyes over to his, he grinned.
“Gotcha.”
My face fell. “You’re a fucking child.”
He shrugged. “Yeah, well. I’m a manchild who’s worried about my best friend.”
I’d never get used to him calling me that.
“You know, that title is usually designated for--”
He waved his hand in the air. “Yeah, I know. You always remind me. Best friends are reserved for those who have known each other the longest. But not this time. I consider you a very good friend. A best friend. Because you’re awesome, and I like you, and you fit in with our group, and you make Rae happy, and I don’t mind shooting the shit with you.”
I grinned. “Thanks.”
“So time to shoot the shit since we’re stuck in traffic.”
My grin fell. “No, thanks.”
“Dude, come on. It’s painfully obvious you haven’t made a decision yet. Why not?”
“Why the fuck is it so hot in your car right now? Fucking hell.”
“The air conditioning in my car gave out yesterday. Got an appointment for tomorrow to get it fixed.”
“Couldn't have told me that before we decided to get trapped in your black box of sweltering heat?”
He chuckled. “Nice try at a diversion. But it’s not working.”
I scoffed. “Yeah, just like your A.C. Fuck!”
I stuck my head out the window. And to my shock, it was cooler outside with the sun burning the top of my head than it was inside his car. His leather seats made my skin stick to the fabric. I breathed in deeply as sweat dripped down my face. And since my head was out the window, I tried to see what the fuck the hold-up was.
Then my phone vibrated in my board shorts’ pocket.
“That Rae?” Mike asked.
I sat down. “Probably.”
“What does she want?”
I pulled my phone out and looked at the text.
Rae: You guys close? Pretty sure I pissed Allison off with more college talk.
I sighed as my fingers flew over the screen.
Me: At least you’ve made a decision. Mike’s about to wind up and knock it out of the park with how bullshit it is that I haven’t made a decision yet.
I sent the message off and promptly got one back.
Rae: I mean, it would be nice for you to make one. You know, so I know how to declare my housing. Which I have to submit by the end of next week. Just letting you know.
I rolled my eyes and put my phone away. But I felt Mike’s eyes on me. I jammed myself against the door, hanging my arm out as Aerosmith came on over the radio. I reached over and turned it up, trying to drown out his eye
s with music. I bobbed my head and murmured the words. Thanking my fucking stars that traffic was slowly starting to move. For two whole blocks.
Until it stopped again.
“Fucking hell!” I exclaimed.
Mike snickered. “Maybe if you talk about your game plan for August, the traffic will pick up as a reward for your service.”
I sighed. “You’re not going to stop riding me about this, are you?”
“Not at all.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine. What do you want to know?”
“Have you figured out what you’re going to do?”
“You’ll have to be a bit more specific with that request.”
“Okay. Did you apply to college? Or are you still sticking with the whole ‘no college’ deal?”
I sighed. “No. I didn’t apply to college. School isn’t for me. Not even some pointless two-year school.”
“Good. Off to a nice start. So, are you staying with Cecilia? Or moving closer to Rae?”
“I’m… not sure on that yet.”
“Which is fine. You got choices to talk through?”
I snickered. “Sure. I’ve got choices. I’ve always got choices. I can choose to stay with Cecilia in the apartment. Or I can move out and live in some downtown studio apartment close to Rae’s school and hopefully convince her to move in with me. You know, if she doesn’t already get a place of her own.”
“Has she been talking about that?”
“She’s been talking about everything. Mostly, how her former plans have gone to shit and what she’s supposed to do now. She hates the idea of a dorm room. But apartments by herself are too expensive. She’s all but said she wants to live with me.”
“But…?”
I shrugged. “But I don't know.”
“Why don’t you know?”
“I just don’t know, Mike. All right?”
My eyes fell out the window and I sighed. Finding a job around here hadn’t been nearly as easy as I’d figured it would be. Even with setting aside as much as I could to help Cecilia pay for bills and shit, I was running through money fast. Between treating Rae to some things and my father making this damn divorce as hard as possible, I was tearing through money.
And as of yesterday, I’d run out of things to sell.
“Taking Rae out of the picture for a second. What do you want?” Mike asked.
I sighed. “My own life.”
“Okay. Good start. What does your own life include?”
“A job I don’t hate. A studio apartment over a bakery or some shit in downtown L.A. I fucking love downtown L.A.”
“Well, that’s close to Rae’s school. Maybe the two of you could swing a place together.”
“Yeah, well. She’s making it seem like she can’t swing something like that until she’s got more money in the bank. Which is so weird to me, because I thought she was selling shit off, too.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, that stuff my stepmom gave her? Back when Cecilia and I first moved? Rae told me she was giving some of it away, keeping a few things for herself, and then selling off the rest to really cushion this transition and do what she wanted. Now, she’s talking about not having money at all. And every time I ask her about it, she doesn’t fucking say anything. I feel like she’s lying to me. Or hiding something.”
“Is that why you haven’t made a decision yet?”
I shrugged. “The fuck am I supposed to do? I lived with a man who forced me to walk on eggshells my entire life. And now I’m doing it with my own fucking girlfriend. I won’t go back to living like that, man.”
“Have you told her any of this?”
I snickered. “You want to try telling me how to tell Rae that she’s lying to me and I don’t appreciate it because she’s making me miserable?”
“If it were the other way around, I’d tell her to speak with you immediately. So…”
“Yeah, yeah. I hear you.”
My eyes drifted out the window as traffic picked up again.
“Can I be real with you for a second, Clint?”
“Please. I’d appreciate it.”
“Downtown L.A. is expensive as hell. You’re going to need a decent sum of money just to make it through a year.”
I nodded. “I know. I’ve already run the budget. For six months, by myself, in a studio apartment where I’d like, with bills and groceries and shit, I’d need just shy of forty grand. And that’s without a car, just walking everywhere.”
“Exactly. Which means, splitting that down the middle, that’s still forty grand for each of you during the year.”
“So what are you saying?”
I looked over at Mike and watched him shrug.
“I’m saying that being together means compromising. You can have an ideal life, sure. Then, you have to come together with your partner and figure out a compromise that works for both of you. Both with money and with school.”
I paused. “And you think I don’t know that?”
He scoffed. “Says the guy who hasn’t told Rae he’s miserable yet.”
“I’m not miserable.”
“That was the word you used.”
“Well, I didn’t fucking mean miserable.”
“Might want to choose your words better when you talk with her, then.”
“Dude, this is why I didn’t want to have this conversation. Get off my nutsack.”
“You get off it first.”
I sighed as I leaned heavily into the seat. Sweat dripped down my back and I merely accepted my fate. I’d boil to death in this car before we got to the fucking boardwalk. Since when did things get so complicated? Since when did money drain this quickly? Holy fuck, I’d need a serious job if I wanted to keep living my life around this area. Especially around Cal State. Where Rae had decided to attend college for four. Fucking. Years.
Shit.
“What kind of jobs have you been looking for?”
I shook my head. “No.”
Mike paused. “No, what?”
“No, I’m not talking anymore with you.”
“Oh, come on. We’ve moved on from Rae.”
“And I’m done talking.”
“Just answer the damn question. What kind of jobs?”
“All kinds of jobs, Mike! Mechanic, part time cashier, a fucking sub sandwich maker. Gas station attendant. Construction. Internships. Fucking internships, dude! And no one gives me anything. No callbacks, other than people telling me We’ve found our candidate, thank you for fucking applying.”
“Do they say ‘fucking’ or…?”
I growled. “I’m going to slit your throat.”
He chuckled. “Hopefully you don’t list that as a skill.”
I reached over and tried to fist his shirt, but he caught my wrist. He tossed my hand back into my lap before shooting me a look. Traffic slowly rolled down the block. Inching us closer to the boardwalk before we came to yet another standstill.
Then Mike put his car in park again.
“You can be pissed all you want, Clint. But we both know the only reason you’re this angry is because Rae doesn’t have her shit together, so you can’t. And you won’t get your shit together until you talk to her. Until you have a firm foundation with her again. Or at least a firm enough foundation to tell her whether or not you actually want to follow her to college or strike out on your own again.”
I shrugged. “I mean, her college is only an hour away. And that’s with traffic.”
“Yeah, well. Look at this traffic. We were fifteen minutes away from the boardwalk. And we’ve been sitting in this damn car for forty-five.”
Point taken. “I mean, if we really wanted to--”
“Dude, quit being a pussy.”
“I’m not being a pussy.”
“Yes, you are. You don’t want to piss Rae off so close to all of us splitting, so you’re hoping that if you ignore it the issue is going to go away. But you know that isn’t how it works.”
I
sighed. “Yeah. I know.”
“So boss up and bring up the conversation. You don’t have to do it today. But you need to do it soon. Rae needs a firm plan of action on your end in order to work through what she’s going to do on her end.”
“And what if I need the same from her?”
“That’s why you sit down and fucking talk about it, dude.”
He sat back down in his seat as the song on the radio changed over again. As some Van Halen ballad filled the SUV, I let my eyes fall closed. While most of me was thankful I didn’t have to put up with school anymore, part of me was disappointed. Even if, by some miracle, I wanted to go to school, I didn’t have the option. Decisions I made in high school ruined my odds for that sort of thing. And Rae hadn’t been happy with me when I decided not to apply.
In fact, it sparked a fight between us we still hadn’t recovered from.
And that damn fight was four months ago.
My best bet at this point was to find a job with room for growth. With room for me to pull a decent-enough salary that helped support a lifestyle in this expensive-ass state. Otherwise, I’d fall behind. I’d forever be destined to scrape by with nothing but scraps underneath the table for hard labor twelve hours a day. Which was a life I didn’t want for myself. I wanted to prosper. I wanted to be proud of myself. I wanted to be able to provide Rae with what she needed instead of her constantly worrying about things and checking her bank account and hiding things from me like she’d been these past few weeks.
I felt like I was on the verge of losing her. Losing Rae. Losing the love of my life.
And I had to find a lifestyle that made sure that didn’t happen.
3
Raelynn
I looked beyond Allison’s shoulder after much too long of a silence. And when I saw Clint emerge from the throng of people pushing their way to the beach, I sat up.
“Oh, thank fuck.”
Allison turned around. “What? What is it?”
Michael waved and Clint started jogging for us. I smiled as I stood up, steadying myself on my rollerblades. He picked me up and swung me around, peppering my cheeks with kisses. I smiled as Michael and Allison embraced, watching him dip her back for a deep, passionate kiss.
