by Hart, Rebel
I sighed. “Pauline, I really--”
“Come on. You know you can trust me. I’m your co-worker. I see you during your shifts. We talk on our breaks. I’ve got your back, girl.”
Fine, whatever. “I just don’t know why I have to have it all figured out now is all.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I mean--I’m only eighteen, right?”
“Right.”
“So what’s the issue with taking a year off? Why do I have to be pressured to take scholarship money now or lose it forever? Am I not worth their money in a year? What’s up with that?”
“You make a good point.”
“And, fucking hell, I’m leaving the only place I’ve ever known. I’m leaving my friends behind. My mom. My boyfriend. And I don’t even know if he wants to come with me! Or meet up with me eventually! For all I know, I go off to college and that’s that.”
She whistled lowly. “Sounds like you need to talk with him.”
“Yeah, well. He’s got his own shit going on. And don’t get me started about leaving this job. I don’t even have a job on that end yet. What if I don’t find one? It’s not like my mother has money to give me. If anything, I’m giving her money!”
“Mooching mothers. That’s some shit right there.”
“Yeah. It is. And to top it all off? I don’t even know if I’m going to want to teach once I get out of school. I might graduate with this expensive degree and then want to do something completely different. Something with graphic design and art. I’ll really be shit out of luck, then.”
“Why don’t you do graphic whatever instead?”
“The college I’m going to only has a minor in it.”
She nodded. “Well, fuck.”
“Yeah. Fuck.”
I sighed, but with relief. It felt good dumping this on to someone instead of letting it swim around in my head. But why was it easier to talk to my annoying twenty-two-year-old coworker than it was my friends? Or Clint?
“You want my advice?” she asked.
I shrugged. “Try your best.”
“I think you still have plenty of time to change your mind. I mean, even if you decide at the beginning to pursue English with education or whatever, your first two semesters are going to be used to get requirements out of the way. Math. Science. Shit like that. And if you figure out that school isn’t for you at all, you can drop out and get most of your money back if you don’t complete the semester.”
I blinked. “Don’t I pay for the whole year upfront, though?”
She shook her head. “Nope. They bill you by semester.”
Huh.
“Look, I’ve been where you are. I went to school to become a vet tech. I mean, my entire life I dreamt of working with animals. Night after night. I thought it was my life’s calling, you know. And then I got into school and realized I couldn't handle sick animals. Too emotionally taxing. And gross.”
I snickered. “So what did you do?”
She shrugged. “I’m in the middle of a career shift. I took this job a couple months ago to help out with money and bills. And I’m back home with my parents while I take a condensed program to become a dental hygienist.”
“And that’s what you want to do?”
“More than anything. It’s a nice balance of not dealing with sick people, not dealing with sick animals, and pulling a nice paycheck.”
I nodded. “Congratulations.”
“The point I’m trying to make is that figuring out what’s important to you takes time. And even if you do feel locked into college, it can always change. Keep focusing on getting good grades. Apply for those scholarships. And when you stumble across what you want to do with your life, you’ll know. Deep down.”
I smiled. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”
She patted my hand. “I like helping people. And I like working with kids, too. Like you. That’s my specialty going into my dental hygienist program. But there are stepping stones I still have to follow. I’m only twenty-two, though. And you’re only eighteen. Find your stepping stones, Rae, and take them one day at a time.”
I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. “This means a lot. Thank you.”
“And don’t be so damn hard on yourself. Switching directions isn’t a big deal. It’s your life. Live it how you see fit. Okay? Promise me.”
I nodded. “Okay. I promise.”
“Good. Now, take care of these customers coming down the aisles. They’re headed straight for you.”
I rang up the customers with a smile on my face. But not a forced smile. Not like my smiles had been. It felt a little more effortless this time around. And I kept stealing glances at Pauline. As annoying as she was at times, I found her words comforting. I’m glad she took the time to prod at me until I talked. Because I needed to hear what she had to say.
And hopefully, as time passed, I could become as brave as her.
Ready to take on the world, no matter what anyone else thought of my path.
8
Clinton
I was thankful Cecilia let me borrow her car for the night. Because I really wanted to pick Rae up from work before this dinner with her mother tonight. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go after everything Rae told me about her, though. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep my mouth shut. What she was doing was wrong. Bleeding money from Rae was wrong. And I wanted to put my two cents in on the matter.
But I’d promised Rae I wouldn’t say anything.
I pulled into a parking space at the front of the line and sat. I turned up the music, bobbing my head as I watched Rae through the window. She stood there, wiping down her register. And I saw someone new walking up to her. The girl looked like she worked there. But I didn't recognize her. And when Rae looked over at her, she smiled. Genuinely. With that light in her eyes.
It was good to see that light coming back.
I listened to music and mouthed the words as I waited for her to come out. And when she came out through the automatic doors, I beeped my horn and flashed my lights, rolled my window down and waved at her, finally catching her attention. But when she looked up at me, her smile didn’t light up.
Not like it did with her friend inside.
Huh.
“Ready for dinner?” I asked.
She walked around and got in the car, sighing.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
I took her hand. “Are you sure you don’t want me to—"
She shook her head quickly. “No. Don’t say a word. It’s not your place.”
“Since when is it not my place to defend you against people taking advantage of you?”
“Since that person is my mother who likes you.”
I shrugged. “I don’t care if she likes me. All I care about is how she treats you.”
“Well, I care if she likes you. So don’t screw that up tonight, okay?”
I paused. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to press a button.”
“Can you just drive, please?”
I pulled out of the parking lot and we rode back to her house. Silence fell between us, and I hated it. After the night we’d spent together this past weekend, I figured things might change. That her attitude toward me would change. That her opinion of the things I did might change. But after we woke up the next morning, it felt as if nothing ever happened, like we hadn’t made passionate love before falling asleep beside one another. She couldn't wait to get home. She didn’t even stick around for a cup of coffee before she rushed out the front door.
Like I was nothing but a little booty call that got too out of hand.
I hated all of this.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
I drew in a silent breath. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay. Nothing about me is okay right now.”
“We’ll get through it. Like we always do.”
“We’ve been trying to get through it for a while, now.”
I came to a stop at a light. “Can I be blunt?”
She nodded. “Sure.”
“Is this you trying to break up with me?”
She whipped her eyes to mine. “No. Hell, no! Why would you think that?”
“Just seemed like the perfect wind-up before the swing, that’s all.”
She took my hand. “I’m not breaking up with you, Clint. I just--know I’m not okay right now. And I don’t know how to get okay again.”
I brought her hand to my lips for a kiss. “Just stop shutting me out. You’re doing it all the time. Like I told you, even if your thoughts are jumbled, I want to hear them. I want to help you work through them. Like you did for me.”
“I’m not good at this, am I?”
I chuckled. “You’re really not. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get better.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. You’re used to being everyone’s rock. And sometimes, a rock that has been standing on its own for too long forgets how to lean against another structure. Because it’s too dug down into its ways.”
She paused. “Where in the world did you pull that from?”
The book I’m writing. “Just came up with it.”
She giggled. “You should write it down somewhere. Use it in one of your stories.”
Just tell her about the book, Clint. “Maybe I will.”
As we pulled into her driveway, guilt flooded my stomach. Here I was, telling her to be open with me when I couldn't even tell her about my latest venture. Writing my own book, for once. A dream gone wild one night that spurred on the daydreaming I did of an entire world beyond our eyes. Fantasy. Epic fantasy, with sword fights and magical powers and dragons galore. I’d never been so eager to write in all my life. Every night, I recorded conversations I wanted to happen between my characters. Every morning, I took my ass to the coffee shop and used their computers to type up my character’s next moves.
“Ready to go in?” Rae asked.
I nodded. “Ready when you are.”
I’d tell her in due time.
When she wasn’t struggling so much.
The two of us walked inside and the smells of enchiladas wafted underneath my nose. I heard Luciana humming in the kitchen as I closed the door behind me. My hand slid to Rae’s lower back. I guided her into the kitchen. Though, it didn't shock me that I felt some resistance on her end.
“Perfect timing! Sit, sit. I’m almost done with the rice. Can I get you a drink, Clint? Water? Soda? Juice? Milk?”
I chuckled at Luciana. “Water’s fine. Thank you.”
Her mother smiled. “And you, honey?”
Rae paused. “Uh… soda?”
Her mother giggled. “You sure about that?”
Rae murmured. “I’m not sure about anything.”
The words caught me off-guard as her mother continued to whirl around the kitchen.
I rubbed her back after we sat down at the table. Rae kept her eyes forward, even as her mother set her soda down in front of her. She looked almost dazed. Like she wanted to be anywhere but here. I was worried about her. Especially after that comment.
She wasn’t sure about anything?
Did she also mean us?
“So! How was work tonight, honey?”
Rae nodded. “It was good. Five more shifts, and all.”
Her mother sat down. “How do you feel about that?”
Rae shrugged. “It is what it is. Time to move on, I guess.”
Her mother paused. “You could always take some time off, you know. Postpone school. Stick around here with your old mom for a bit.”
I butted in. “She’s already put in her two weeks.”
Rae cast me a glance. “I’m just taking it a day at a time.”
Her mother sighed. “Well, know my doors are always open for you. Okay, honey?”
So long as you can get your hands on her wallet.
We all dished up our food, but the table was pretty silent. Very tense. Definitely not the kind of family dinner anyone wanted to have. Rae’s mother kept peeking over at me and winking. And whenever Rae looked up, her mother patted her shoulder. Rubbed her back. Tried to comfort her daughter.
“You sure there’s nothing you want to talk about?” Luciana asked.
Rae sighed. “Well, I did have this conversation with my co-worker today.”
I paused. “That new one I saw you with?”
She slowly looked over at me. “Yeah. Pauline.”
Her mother butted in. “What did you two talk about?”
Rae cleared her throat. “Just about college. Decisions. You know, how she thought she wanted to be one thing, but is now making a life change. Or career change. Or something like that.”
I nodded. “What did she want to be?”
Rae snickered. “A vet tech. Until she realized she couldn’t handle sick pets.”
I chuckled. “Wait, really?”
She nodded. “Yeah, really. So, now she’s living back with her parents and finishing up a dental hygienist degree. Says it’s the happiest she’s ever been.”
Her mother scoffed. “And she’s working at the grocery store to make ends meet? Doesn’t sound like much of a life.”
Rae licked her lips. “It’s admirable when someone wants to work for something better, Mom.”
Her mother shrugged. “I don’t know. Seems kitschy to me.”
I blinked. “Working toward a life that makes someone strong and independent is kitschy?”
Rae tossed me another look. “I found the conversation very uplifting, actually. Really reassuring. You know, just in case I’m making the wrong decision.”
Her mother put her hand over Rae’s forearm. “Which is why I’m telling you to take a year off. Come on, Rae. What’s a year going to do? If anything, it’ll only reaffirm what you’re doing now and you can go off to college with confidence.”
I sighed. “Or, she can follow the path she’s leading now and make herself stronger through facing her fears.”
Rae pursed her lips. “I’m not scared. I’m just wary. There’s a difference.”
Her mother sighed. “It’s okay to be scared if you are. All the more reason to take the year. You’ve got a home here. You’ve got a job at the grocery store. You've got Clint here.”
I butted in. “Don’t bring me into this as a reason for her to stay behind.”
Rae closed her eyes. “Will you two stop it?”
I leaned back into my chair as her mother drew in a deep breath. Then Rae’s cheeks puffed out with her own heavy sigh.
“It was just a nice conversation. Nothing more. Nothing less. Sorry I brought it up.”
Her mother smiled softly. “And thank you for sharing it with us. All I want you to know is that you have options. My door will always be open to you. On the one hand, I hate that this girl wasted so much time and money figuring out what she wanted to do. But, on the other hand, it’s her journey. And I can respect that.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
Her mother nodded. “Just know that the worst that could happen is that a year off changes your mind. Which isn’t a bad thing. And best case scenario? You go back to school next fall with the reassurance you need.”
“I know, Mom.”
“And if you stay on this path? There are a lot of very lucky children right now being born who will have you as their teacher. As their guiding light.”
“I appreciate that, Mom.”
Luciana was so hard to pin down. On the one hand, she had pride in her voice when it came to talking about Rae. And on the other? She was trying too hard to get her to stay behind. Rae was so much bigger than this place. So much better. And the idea of her mother having one more year of influence on the girl I loved made me sick. I didn’t want her turning out like her mother. Just like I didn't want to turn out like my damn father. She deserved better than that. She deserved a better life than this. Better than the dilapidated house and the men coming and going from her mother’s bedroom and her mother begging for money like a fucking child.
; But I saw the way Rae’s shoulders slumped. Something was up, and I knew it wasn’t just about the money. Or the decisions. Or going off to college. Something else was in the works here, and that worried me.
What hadn’t she told me yet?
Had she told that co-worker of hers?
“Well, let’s all dig in. This food’s going to get cold if we don’t eat it.”
Luciana started eating, but Rae only poked around at her food. Pushing it around to make it look as if she’d eaten it. Her mother didn’t pay her any mind, but I did. I saw the sadness on Rae’s face. The confusion behind her eyes. The way she hunched. The way she kept her eyes down. The way her smile slowly sank as she tried to keep it plastered on her face.
Her façade was breaking.
And that broke my heart.
She never needed a façade before. Why does she need one now?
I had so many questions I wanted to ask her. So many things I needed to know. Did she feel she could confide in this Pauline girl more than me? Her own boyfriend? Did I need to take a step out of the picture until she got through her first semester of college? Hell, her first year? Was there something I wasn't doing that she needed from me? Did she need some space?
I’d give her anything at this point if it made her smile. If it made her eyes light up like I saw with her co-worker earlier.
Fucking hell, I missed gazing into that smile.
Especially when I was the cause of it.
9
Raelynn
“Thanks for dinner, Mom.”
I nodded. “And thanks for the to-go for Cecilia.”
Luciana waved at us. “Tell her I said she can stop by anytime she likes! I’d like to catch up with her.”
Clint snickered. “I’ll let her know. Promise.”
“Bye, Mom!”
I tugged him out the front door and breathed a sigh of relief when the door slammed shut. We made our way for Cecilia’s car, thankful we had that instead of having to walk around. Thunder rumbled in the distance and I felt the temperature dropping. Pretty soon, the world would open up above our heads and dump water on us all night.
And I didn’t want to be home for it.
