by Hart, Rebel
Mike sighed. “Then you need to cut your losses.”
“And you believe that.”
“Yeah. I do. Look, I love Rae. She’s my best friend. But if she’s really not willing to address what happened last night, at all, then you need to cut your losses for you. You’ve been miserable this whole summer. A summer where we all should be happy and looking toward the future. Instead, you’ve been stuck up Rae’s ass trying to make her smile without her giving you any feedback. At all.”
I grimaced. “Yeah. I know.”
He squeezed my shoulder. “Go over and talk to her. Open up the conversation. Even go so far as to tell her that she owes you one after last night. Then, depending on how she reacts, you know where to go from there.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Is that breakfast shit here yet?”
“Yep. Came just as I got out of the shower.”
“Why the hell did I not hear the door?”
He chuckled bitterly. “Probably because you’ve got some shit on your mind. Come on. Coffee, water, and Tylenol. Lots of it. Let’s get you feeling better before you head over there.”
I sighed. “Yeah. Sure. Sounds like a plan.”
I stood from the chair and it became easier to move. Just that small conversation with Mike had lifted some of the weight off my shoulders. Now that I had a direction to head in that someone agreed with me on, I felt a little more confident going into this conversation. Rae and I had to talk. That much was for sure. But I wasn’t sure if she was willing to.
I wasn’t sure what I’d do if she didn’t.
“This coffee smells fantastic,” I murmured.
Mike popped open a pill bottle. “We’re going straight to four. Don’t pass Go, don’t do shit with your life until you take these.”
I held out my hand. “Thanks, man. I really appreciate this.”
“Of course. You’d be doing the same thing for me if the roles were reversed, and I know it.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I would.”
He shook the pills out into my hand. “No matter what happens, know you’re not alone in this. Okay? Even if things go south with you and Rae, you’ve still got me and Allison. It doesn’t work any other way. All right?”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”
“And no shutting us out. It’s bad enough Rae’s freezing us out after all the years we’ve known her. We don’t need you doing that to us, too.”
I poured myself a glass of water. “I won’t. You have my word.”
“Good. Now, you sure you don’t want any of this bacon? It’s double-fried and extra crispy.”
I shook my head. “Maybe after this Tylenol kicks in.”
“Then I’ll save you a couple of slices just in case.”
29
Raelynn
I groaned. “I hate my life.”
Allison giggled. “Yeah, well. We all have those points, I suppose.”
I sniffed the air. “Is that coffee I smell?”
“Yep. And eggs. And pancakes. And greasy bacon. I had the kitchen make it extra crispy.”
I peeked out from under the blankets. “Can I have some?”
“Depends. Am I going to be cleaning up regurgitated food after you do?”
“I don’t… think so?”
She giggled. “Doesn’t sound very confident.”
“I mean, the room isn’t spinning. That’s a plus.”
“Yes, that is a plus. I also got you some more Tylenol. And some water. And some orange juice.”
I sat up slowly. “You’re the best.”
“Don’t speak too soon. There’s still a lot to talk about from last night.”
I winced at her words. I watched her pour me a mug of coffee before dousing it in creamer and sugar. And when she walked it over to me, she had this look in her eye. I mean, I couldn’t blame her. I deserved every look that came my way. Every curse word. Every terrible thing. Every fate that could befall me after something like this.
Allison made me a plate of food. “Hopefully this will help the rest of your headache and nausea.”
I sipped my coffee. “Never again am I doing this.”
“Good. Because being drunk, high, and a bitch doesn’t look good on you.”
My eyes widened. “Damn, Allison. Back at it with the cursing again.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry, but the situation calls for it. You were an absolute maniac last night. You hurt a lot of people in the process. Clint more than anyone.”
I nodded. “I know. I know. I don’t--”
“Mmm, no. I don’t think you do know.”
She handed me the plate of food and I took it. But I felt my appetite quickly dissipating. Allison was in rare form this weekend, and every time she cursed, it took me by surprise. I set the plate on my lap and picked at it with my fingers. I held up the extra crispy bacon before putting it back down. I slid the plate onto the bedside table and reached for my coffee, desperate for the caffeine.
“You need to try and eat.”
I nodded slowly. “And I will. Once I have the energy to move my jaw.”
Allison sat on her bed. “You’re moving it now.”
I tossed her a look. “You know what I mean.”
“Actually, I don’t. Are you not hungry?”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you not hungry because you feel guilty?”
“Allison. I get it. Okay?”
She took a bite of her bacon. “I don’t think you do get it, though. Do you remember anything else from last night?”
I paused. “I thought you told me all of it?”
She giggled bitterly. “I told you what I thought caused Clint’s drunken tirade once you stormed off. But that wasn’t the only thing you said.”
“Clint got drunk last night?”
“Uh, yeah. And apparently, he did it in spectacular fashion. Hence, the fight.”
I blinked. “The fight?”
She scoffed. “Are you serious right now? Yes, the fight. The bruises. You were with him for a while last night before we switched rooms. How much time have you lost?”
My eyes danced around the room. “Why is everything so fuzzy?”
“Because that’s what getting high and drunk instead of talking about your feelings does.”
I licked my lips. “What else did I say last night?”
She shrugged. “That you felt smothered. That you wanted space.”
“I know. You’ve told me that part. But why do I get the feeling there’s more you won’t tell me?”
“Because I feel Clint has some right to jog your memory of it.”
“Seriously? You’re playing that card right now?”
“You don’t have any cards to play, Rae. You’ve spent all of them. Every single one of us got caught in your tirade of insanity last night. And not one of us got out unscathed. So yes. I’m playing that card right now.”
I blinked. “What did I say to you?”
“It isn’t what you said. It’s what you did. I care about Clint. He’s become a good friend of mine. And what you did last night to him was completely and utterly wrong.”
“I’m begging you, Allison. Tell me what I said.”
She sighed. “You aren’t going to like it.”
“I already don’t like it, so that won’t budge.”
“After I tell you this, you have to be strong enough to talk with him today. You know he’s going to want to talk. There’s no falling apart like you did last night.”
“I get it. I won’t fall apart.”
She drew in a deep breath. “You told him that you felt as if he was dragging you around like a child. You told him you were afraid to leave high school behind, but that going to the party and seeing everyone so confident helped you to see that you needed to come alone. To do this all alone.”
“I said that?”
“I’m paraphrasing. Clint accused you of being paranoid because of the booze and drug mixture, and I’m pretty sure he was right. That made y
ou angrier, though. Clint said you needed to go back to the hotel to get a food and some shower, and you told him ‘maybe what I need is another boyfriend.’”
A chill ran through my veins. “Please tell me that was paraphrasing, too.”
“Actually, no. ‘Maybe what I need is another boyfriend’ was a direct quote from you last night.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“No. I’m really not. After that, I’m pretty sure you called him an asshole before storming off.”
“I called him the asshole.”
“At least you’re sober enough to see the irony.”
I sat there, stunned. “Why the hell did I say that?” I shook my head at myself as tears rushed my eyes. “My God, he’s never going to forgive me.”
Allison sipped her orange juice. “Sure he will.”
“He really won’t. If he’s got any sense about him, he won’t.”
“But he loves you. So he will.”
I stared blankly at her. “Fine. Say he does. But he won’t ever forget I said those words. And I can’t take them back.”
She licked her lips as we sat in silence. I watched Allison nibble on her food. Sip her orange juice. Generally look at every part of the room except for me.
“Allison?”
Her eyes came back to mine. “Yeah?”
My voice lowered to a whisper. “I think I’m making a mistake.”
“With Clint?”
I shook my head. “With school.”
My gaze fell to the floor as Allison got off the bed. She came over and sat beside me, her hand rubbing softly against my back. I let the tears fall. There was no use in expending the energy to hold them back. But saying it out loud? Admitting it to someone?
It felt good.
“How do you figure?” she asked.
I shook my head. “None of this is me. Last night wasn’t me. This campus isn’t me. The closer we get to the school year starting, the worse I feel. I don’t know if I picked Cal State because I really wanted to come here, or if I wanted to get away from my mother.”
“It did shock me when you told me you didn’t want to pursue graphic design.”
“Right? But, when I was talking to Mom about the community college not too far up the road from the house, she started talking about getting a part-time job to help with things and I could go to school part-time and stay at the grocery store. She talked about our girls’ nights and me staying at home and commuting and how we could pool our money together and get a reliable car and it fucking freaked me out, Allison. Like, big time.”
“And rightfully so.”
“I don't think I chose to come here because it’s what I want. I think I chose to apply and come here because I wanted to get away from Mom. And now that I’m here?”
“It doesn’t feel like where you’re supposed to be.”
My lower lip quivered. “I’ve ruined everything.”
She shook her head. “No, you haven’t.”
“Do you feel this way at all? As you and Michael get closer to going off to school?”
She paused, then shook her head again. “No, Rae. Not even a little bit.”
I sighed. “So none of this is normal.”
“No, it’s not. For as long as I can remember, you’ve been dead set on making something of your artistry. Graphic design. Drawing. Something like that. I wanted to jump down your throat when you said something about doing English. It’s not at all like you. You know who that sounds like, though?”
I blinked. “Who?”
“Clint would’ve been good at an English degree. Especially with how much he loves to write in that journal of his.”
“You think I did the English degree to please Clint?”
“No. I think you chose English because the second biggest thing you love in your life is him. And you wanted something to remember him by once you went off to college. I bet you anything that, in the back of your mind, you chose English when you were asked to declare a possible major on all that paperwork because thinking about Clint made you happy. And English made you think about him.”
“I mean, I can’t fail at English, either. I’ve always been good at it. The reading. The papers.”
She nodded. “That, too. Rae, I don’t think I could commit to the workload I’m going to get at Stanford if I wasn’t absolutely positive that I was supposed to be there. I’m all in, and that’s what college takes. Same with Michael. So, if this isn’t where you want to be, you need to take some time and cool your jets.”
“But with Mom--”
She cupped my cheek. “Whatever you choose to do, she’ll understand. And there are plenty of ways to fix what’s going on with you and your mother. Starting with putting your foot down on some things.”
I sniffled. “But why do I have to keep doing that with my own fucking mother?”
She giggled softly. “Because it’s your mother, Rae. None of this should shock you, or scare you. But I think with the idea of coming to a college you hate, it’s making you freak out about everything else because you’ve never encountered this kind of fear before.”
“I did once.”
She nodded. “With Clint’s accident.”
My lip trembled. “I remember how helpless I felt. How terrified I had become. How out of control everything was around me. I feel like that again. And I don’t know what to do.”
“Do what you did last time.”
I paused. “What?”
“You’re an idiot, Rae. Cling to Clint. No matter what. You battled his father for it. You battled the doctors for it. You battled school for it. But, in your moment of fear, you clung to Clint. Do that now.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t even want me looking in his direction, much less clinging to him.”
“I think you’ll find that Clint is a lot more graceful and accepting than you give him credit for. You’re being way too hard on yourself. What you need to do with him is start by apologizing. Then you need to tell him exactly what you’ve told me. Start to finish.”
I paused. “But what if he thinks--?”
Allison smiled. “Say it. You need to.”
I licked my lips. “What if he--he thinks I’m--”
“It’s going to sound just as insane when you say it. But releasing it into the wild is going to help you process it. Come on.”
A tear streaked my cheek. “What if he thinks I’m weak and leaves?”
She giggled. “You’re the girl who saved his life, Rae. If anything, he’s scrambling to try and figure out how to repay you. How to help you in your own time of crisis.”
“Fucking hell, that does sound insane.”
“It really does.”
I turned away from Allison and picked a piece of bacon off my plate. I crunched on it mindlessly as I sifted through all sorts of things. I wasn’t convinced Clint would simply forgive me. And I knew damn good and well he’d never forget. I still wasn’t convinced I hadn’t irreparably damaged things. But could I really back out of college last minute like this? And even if I did, it was probably too late to enroll into the community college where I had planned on going. Plus, that meant fighting with my mother. If I wanted to put my foot down with my own money, that meant a fight. And I wasn't sure if I had the energy to fight with her anymore like that.
Then, there was fixing things with Clint. Which was a monumental task in and of itself. Especially after everything I had already pulled.
If there was anything left to fix.
“You think the boys are up?”
Allison nodded. “I heard them talking out on the balcony earlier this morning.”
I paused. “Do you know what they were saying?”
She shook her head. “I figured they deserved the privacy. But Clint was talking to him. So, I suppose that’s a good sign.”
“Does Michael hate me?”
“He’s upset with you. Disappointed, probably. I think he’s a bit shocked as well because none of us have ever seen you like that.
But hate you? Nah.”
“I hate myself. I wouldn't blame him.”
“Well, good thing we aren’t you, then.”
I snickered. “Yeah. That’s the best case scenario for you guys.”
“Stop being so self-deprecating, Rae. This isn’t about you anymore. You’ve dragged us up here and into your tangled web of un-talked-about issues. It’s time to put on some big girl panties and deal with it. Whatever might come of it in the process.”
And for once, I had a direction I needed to walk in.
“When might be a good time to talk with Clint?”
But before Allison could answer me, I heard the door next to us slam open.
Then Michael called out for Clint.
30
Clinton
“Clint! Come on, man.”
I stormed down the hallway as I made my way for the elevator.
“Michael, what’s going on?”
Allison’s voice wafted behind me as I jammed the heel of my hand into the elevator button.
“Clint? Where are you going?”
I stiffened at the sound of Rae’s voice. I heard the elevator whirring up the shaft as I slowly turned around. And when my eyes fell onto her, I chastised myself for how I felt. My heart stopped in my chest. My body ignited with life again. Even though she looked terrible, my body still wanted to move toward her. Rae’s skin had gotten pale. Her lips were chapped and her eyes looked sunken in. Bloodshot. Like she had cried herself to sleep or something like that. But I needed out of the hotel for a little while.
I had a lot to think about.
The elevator opened behind me and I stepped in. Rae took a couple of steps toward me, but I shook my head.
The doors closed.
I leaned against the wall and sighed. I had a lot to think about, and I couldn't do it with Mike pestering me about when I was going to talk with Rae. I mean, I wanted to think I knew that girl better than anyone, despite how long Ally and Mike had known her. I knew she was stressed about school. I knew she was stressed about the transition. And I knew shit with her mother was throwing her for a loop.
But there was something else I couldn't put my finger on.
