“Why didn’t you come for me Jax? Why didn’t you hear me?”
And there it is. The thing that has haunted me the most since I was taken. The one thing that I could never wrap my head around. The missing piece to my very broken puzzle.
Jax is on his feet before the words even finish leaving my mouth, and he does it. The one thing that I did not want him to do. The one thing that I am not strong enough for.
He touches me. It is such a simple touch, but it is everything.
He brings his hand up, cupping my cheek as he tilts my chin up. Forcing me to look at him, when all I want to do is look away. His hand is steady, and his words are soft.
“Princess. I looked everywhere for you. I searched the whole damn world. I called for you in my mind, but silence was all I could hear. Our connection was blank until yesterday. I swear on all that I am. I didn’t hear you. I would never have left you to be beaten and afraid. That I promise.”
Then he does something even worse than touching me, but also kinda better. Jaxon kisses me.
His lips are like coming home after months of being lost. There isn’t a moments hesitation as he claims me with his mouth. They feather across mine, softly at first and then harder. Taking and giving in equal parts. Breaking and putting back together all the little pieces of me that life has tried to fracture.
This kiss...it is everything. Everything that I always wanted, but I can’t. Not until I know for certain that all the breaking is over. That he is mine and mine alone.
I will share a lot of things, but my heart will not be one of them. He is either all in, or he is all out.
He must sense the change in my mood, because he steps away. He presses his forehead to mine, like that is all the distance that he can manage to give me. I smile, missing this...missing him.
“I missed you too,” he says out loud, having already read my thoughts. Now that I don’t miss.
“Why didn’t our bond work?” I ask, taking a step back to clear my head. “You said it would work anywhere. That what happened to me would happen to you. Did you feel what they did to me?”
I hold my breath, hoping that he did, and also praying like hell that he didn’t. No one should have to feel the way I did in those moments.
Sadness overcomes his handsome features as he slowly shakes his head. He takes my hand, turning it over in his. “No. Our bond wasn't fully complete Maci. The love rune was the only one filled in. Until the other two are completed, the bond isn't whole. I don't feel everything you do yet. I am your guardian as well as your mate, but I still couldn’t find you. Couldn’t save you.”
His thundercloud grey eyes have dark circles beneath them, and for the first time since coming back I really look at Jaxon. He looks exhausted. His hair is longer and un-kempt. His skin a shade paler than usual, and he looks like he has lost a little weight.
I used so much energy hating him during my time as a captive, that I never once considered how he felt. I see it now. The pain that he masks, slowly slipping through as he looks at me.
“I’m glad,” I whisper, pulling my hand from his.
“What?” he asks, reaching out and touching my shoulder. Against my will I look at him, reading the confusion on his face.
“I’m glad that you couldn’t feel it,” I say with a shrug.
“I’m not,” he sighs, taking my arm and pulling me to the bed. He sits beside me, but he keeps a firm grip on my hand. “What did they do to you?” he demands, and against my will a shudder weaves its way through my body.
I shake my head, building up my mental wall so that he can’t see. Maybe one day I will show him, when I trust again. That day isn’t today.
“That isn’t what I came here for,” I say, changing the subject with a swiftness. “I came here to ask you three things.”
“Ok,” he says, scrunching up his brow. “Why do I feel like I am about to take a test that I didn’t study for?” he laughs. Seeing that I am serious, he nods.
“Maci, what three questions do you have for me?”
“Do you still love me?” I start, because if the answer to that one is no, then there really is no reason for the other two questions. Jax rolls his eyes, tapping my nose playfully as he leans closer to me.
“That is easy. Yes,” he says, stealing a kiss before pulling away. I smile at his playful side. I like this side of Jax. The side that the rest of the world never really gets to see.
I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the next question. “Are you still with Bianca?”
I try. I really do, but I sound like I swallow something sour when I say her name. Just talking about her leaves a seriously bad taste in my mouth.
Jaxon’s smile grows even larger. He reaches down, taking me by the hip and pulling me closer to him. His teeth graze my ear lobe as he whispers in my ear. “You say that like I was ever with Bianca. Princess.....” he chides softly, pulling my ear into his mouth. My fingers curl into his covers, but I force my body to stay completely still.
“That was all a lie to get the angelic council off of your ass. I was never with her. Hell....I can’t even stand her. I didn’t touch her. Not once. She....she kissed me a few times, but I always pulled away. I did it to protect you, but looking back, I can see that it was stupid. I dropped her like she had a disease the moment you went missing. Haven’t seen or talked to her since. I swear.”
Now my smile grows. I know Braxton hinted that Jaxon was only with bitchy Bianca to protect me, but hearing it and knowing it are two different things.
Ok. So far so good. I am feeling better about this, but I still haven’t asked the most important question. The one that is non-negotiable. My condition.
“Ok. Last question,” I say, taking a deep breath.
“Then I can kiss you?” Jaxon teases, moving closer to me. I nod, laughing as I push him away playfully.
“If you answer correctly Mr. Lux,” I tease. “Then yes. You may kiss me.”
“If I don’t?” he says, growing completely serious.
“Then I.....I don’t know,” I say honestly.
“Ok. What is this all-important question Ms. Madison?” Jaxon teases, looking me in the eyes and trying not to laugh.
“Are you willing to complete the bond? All three parts?”
Jaxon goes completely still, all traces of humor vanishing from his face. His hand grips mine, his words urgent as they tumble from his pouty lips.
“Do you realize what you are asking me to do Princess?” he grinds out, looking like he is in pain all of the sudden.
I nod. I know what I am asking. I am asking for him to commit himself to me for life. To complete the bond so that nothing can ever hurt us again. To tie himself to me irrevocably, so that even death cannot defeat us. I am asking him to choose me over fear or family.
I am asking for everything, and I know that it isn’t fair, but it is what I need. I love Jaxon, but the only way that my heart will ever be safe from him is if he is mine.
He must hear my thoughts, because he lets out a pained sigh before pressing his lips to my forehead. His face twists before smoothing out as he whispers against my skin. “It is more than that. If it were just that, I would do it in a heartbeat. This isn’t about fear or commitment Maci. This is about your safety. If I do this....if I am this selfish with you, then I am basically sealing your death sentence. The council will hunt you. The forces of both Heaven and Hell will try to destroy or use you to open the gates. I would give you anything, but you cannot possibly ask me to let my love condemn you to die.”
I know he thinks that, but I happen to think that completing the bond is the only way to save me. The only way to be strong enough to defeat the darkness that already so desperately wants me.
“I need this Jax. I need you. Please.....” I beg, and I never beg.
I feel the warm wetness of his tear as it trails down my cheek, and even though he hasn’t spoken it aloud yet...I have my answer.
“Don’t do this to me,” I try one more time.
I open up our connection, letting him see how broken I feel. How lost. How afraid. How much I need this. How much I need him to just choose me.
“I choose you. In a million lifetimes, in a million ways, but Princess.... I can never choose that.” He whispers the words brokenly, his voice catching at the end.
Tears fall as the crack in my heart expands. “Wrong answer,” I say, pushing to my feet and bolting for the door.
∞
~ Chapter 6 ~
I can’t say that I am surprised when I find Braxton and Ryker sitting around the breakfast table eating their weight in cereal. It is a Lux brother tradition.
I am a little surprised that Zane is among them. Freshly showered, and sporting a baby blue polo shirt and a pair of faded jeans, Zane Zelikos looks absolutely sinful.
And astonishingly, he looks perfectly at home.
His head is tipped back in laughter as he shovels a healthy bite of some fruity cereal into his pouty mouth. The way that he interacts with the brothers, telling me that while Zane is not an angel; he is also not a stranger to the Lux family.
He belongs among them. Perhaps more than I do.
His head snaps up when I approach, sensing me moments before the others do. My mood must be written in permanent marker across my forehead, because the entire atmosphere of the room shifts when I walk in.
Great! I literally sucked the joy from the room!
“Morning sunshine,” Zane says with a smile, holding out his bowl of fruity goodness like a peace offering. I look at it, my face twisting into a frown.
Before I have to turn down his offering, Ryker laughs beside me. He reaches out, snatching the bowl from Zane and placing it on the table. He picks up his bowl, offering it to me instead. My eyes light up at the same moment that my stomach lets out an embarrassing growl.
“P.....lease,” Ry laughs, turning to Zane. “Maci likes her cereal chocolaty and packed full of empty carbs. That,” he says, pointing the Zane’s bowl that contains some kind of oats and fresh fruit. “That is not cereal. Cereal should be bad for you but taste delicious.”
“Sorry, but he is right. If it ain’t coco, then it’s a no go,” I tease, shoveling a spoonful of the crispy chocolate goodness into my mouth with a moan.
The table goes silent, and with a mouth full of food I manage to force out...... “What?”
“Nothing,” they all grumble, looking away as Jaxon storms into the room. He ignores everyone, going straight to the fridge and pulling out the milk. He takes a huge swig straight from the bottle.
“Drinking from the carton? Wanna talk about it bro?” Ryker teases. Jaxon answers by flipping him off and walking away. Tears sting my eyes as I watch him go. I didn’t want this. To fight with him. To hurt him.
“What did you do?” Braxton accuses, turning that cold stare that he has down to an art form in my direction. For the first time in a long time, the old Braxton is back. The one that I met when I first came here. The one that doesn’t like me.
“Why do you think I did anything?” I defend, pushing away the cereal as my anger takes over. Anger that is directed mostly at myself. It doesn’t matter if I meant to or not. Jaxon’s pissy mood is my fault.
Braxton raises an irritated blond brow in my direction. His eyes telling me that he can see straight through my lie.
“Cut her some slack Brax,” Ryker defends. His tone has slightly more bite than usual. “It is her first day back. I would think that we owe her at least that much,” he sneers, grabbing the cereal and fixing himself another bowl.
“It isn’t her fault that Jaxon is having his man period,” he grumbles under his breath. He meets his brother’s glare with one of his own. With an annoyed huff Braxton breaks eye contact first. Braxton pouts silently as he focuses on his breakfast like it holds the secret to world peace.
Now that is something that I never thought that I would see. Pinky...backing down from a fight?
In a lame attempt to cut some of the tension, I decide to change the subject. I quickly rack my brain, sorting through the millions of questions I have about everything that has happened since I was taken. It seemed like forever, but who knows how long I was actually missing.
“How long was I gone?”
It is such an innocent question, but the pain twisting the faces of my friends tells me that the answer is not going to be one that I am going to like.
“Two weeks. We searched for two weeks,” Braxton says sadly. “We looked everywhere, but everyday your trail grew colder. Hell.....Jaxon......”he starts, swallowing heavily and cutting off his words.
“Jaxon what?” I demand, needing to know whatever he is trying to keep from me. Something tells me that it is important.
“Jaxon nearly destroyed the entire school when you went missing Maci,” Ryker finishes for Braxton. His eyes begging me to understand.
The problem is that there is so much that I don’t understand.
“What? How? That doesn’t make sense,” I insist. I push away from the table and walk my now empty bowl to the sink.
“Maci...Jaxon’s main angel power is the ability to manipulate the elements. Elemental’s powers are closely tied to their emotions. When you went missing, his rage shook the school. His tears caused rain that almost flooded the entire town. Each day the sun disappeared just like his hope. Today...today has been the first day in two weeks that Carson Hill has seen the sun. My brother may not be perfect, but in all our years I have never seen him lose control like he did when he lost you. He nearly destroyed the world for you. If that isn’t love, then I damn well don’t know what is,” Braxton says, surprising me. That is the longest conversation I have ever had with the temperamental Lux brother.
Who knew he had so much feeling hidden behind that icy exterior?
Guilt tugs at my heart, squeezing off my air until little black spots invade my vision. Love isn’t the issue. If it were just about love, Jaxon and I would be fine.
No.
The issue is that I need Jaxon to realize that nothing about love is safe. That completing our bond is crazy, and scary, and all kinds of dangerous. That what I need from him is to understand that real love is worth the risk, because the reward is so much better than the potential hurt. That he has to trust that fate has a plan for us, and that I am strong enough to handle the bad with the good. Trust that together there isn’t anything that we can’t do.
All the love in the world can’t take the place of trust.
I don’t say any of that though. What comes out of my mouth is profoundly less cool. “Jaxon can control the weather?”
“Really?” Braxton grumbles, pushing his large frame to his feet with a huff. “That is what you took from that? Girls!” he huffs again, picking up a backpack and walking out of the door without so much as a backward glance.
“aaaannnddd then there were three,” Ryker laughs, pointing to first himself, then to Zane and me. I roll my eyes, slightly annoyed at how happy he looks right now.
“Better hurry up Maci. School starts in thirty minutes,” Ryker smiles, snapping his fingers. I jump as a soft wind washes over me, changing my clothes from my sleep wear to the school uniform that I wasn’t quite sure that I would ever see again.
“You can’t be serious? You expect her to go to class...today? After everything that she has been through? Did you even tell her?” Zane fumes, standing to his full height, and glaring at Ryker so hard that if looks could kill, he would have already died. Twice.
“Tell me what?” I say, at the same time that Ryker says...
“I was getting there.”
“Out with it Ry. I have had enough surprises to last me a hundred years. Whatever it is.....just say it.”
“You tell her,” Ry says to Zane. “She is less likely to hit you.”
Zane rolls his eyes, but there is no real annoyance there. It is clear from his expression that he is used to Ryker and his theatrics.
“Fine. I will, but only because not telling her is wrong,” Zane grits out from
between clenched teeth.
Every cell in my body locks up as I wait on what he will say next. My life has been a series of really sucky events lately, so anytime someone has a secret I automatically except the worst.
“Do you remember before you ....left,” Zane says, stuttering slightly over the word. We both know that I didn’t leave. I was taken. There is a huge difference.
I nod, deciding to focus on Zane. His voice. His words. He has never lied to me. That helps. I know what he is about to say is real. He won’t sugar coat it or try to protect me. He will tell me the truth, because the difference between Zane and Jaxon is that Zane trust me to handle it.
Even when it hurts.....especially when it hurts.
“How the angelic council was convened to decide the fate of Wanda and King Xavier?”
Again, I just nod. I don’t like where this is going.
“When you were gone, the brothers went insane,” he says, throwing an apologetic look in Ryker’s direction. A look that Ry just meets with a shrug.
“It’s true,” he mumbles, his cheeks tinting pink as he looks at the ground.
“Anyway,” Zane says, in what I suspect is an attempt to shift the attention from Ryker. “They left, turning this world and the Heavenly plane upside down looking for you. They were distracted to say the least. They basically told the elders to screw off when they called them to testify. They didn’t know that by refusing to testify they were making it worse for you.”
“Worse? How did they make it worse?” I ask, bracing myself for what comes next. Knowing that it is going to suck. It always does.
“Without proof, the council had no choice. They let Xavier and Wanda go. King Gabriel could only testify to what he saw after he was frozen. Even the brother’s testimony would not have been enough. The testimony that was needed to sentence Wanda and Xavier to the pit was....”
“Mine,” I interrupt him.
It makes sense now. Why they took me when they did. Why then, when they had all that time before to do so. Why they risked it when they weren’t really sure if the plan would work. This was about more than opening the gate. This was to keep me from telling the council what I saw.
Avenge (Hillcrest Book 2) Page 5
