"Have you thought about adoption?" Thelma asked, seeming to have gotten rid of all her tears.
"I think that's probably best. I could abort, but then I might feel bad about it later."
“Nee, you mustn’t do that,” Thelma said.
"How far along are you?” her father asked.
"About three months."
Her father and mother exchange glances; she knew they were thinking that she might soon start to show.
"I think the best solution is to send you to Aunt Maud’s. You can have the baby there and she’ll help you find a suitable family for adoption.”
"You're sending me away? That's not what I came here for."
"If you stay here, everyone will know. They’ll all find out."
"So what?" Cassandra asked, knowing the answer already.
"Your vadder and I have been in this community since we were small children, and we’re well thought of in the community…"
"Oh. I see. I thought that was it. You're worried about what everyone will think. You're not so much worried about me, and what will happen to me. You’re worried about your own reputations within the community.”
Her mother’s gaze lowered to the kitchen table.
"If you’d given any thought to your own reputation you wouldn't have gotten yourself into this mess. You talked Jake into going away with you and then the next thing we hear is that you’re living together. Then you return and we are supposed to fix all the problems that you have caused?"
“So my baby is a problem?”
“Your vadder didn’t mean that. Each child is a blessing from Gott.”
“Is my child a blessing?”
“Your child might be a blessing for a childless familye,” her mother said. “So, jah.”
"I suppose it's my fault that Jake was shot?"
"We’re not saying that, but it's possible that he wouldn't have been at that gas station on the way to a job interview," her mother said.
It appeared that her father disagreed. "It was his time to go.”
Cassandra looked at her father. At least he was on her side about something.
"Do I even know Aunt Maud?" Cassandra asked.
"Maud came here when you were just a little girl," her father said.
"And she’s one of your older sisters isn’t she, Dat?"
"Jah, she is. All her kinner are grown up and moved away and she's happy to have visitors."
“How do you know she’ll help me?”
“She will.”
"Your mudder will write to her tonight and I’ll post the letter tomorrow. We’ll tell her your circumstances and ask her to find a gut familye for the boppli.”
Cassandra was silent. It seemed a good idea now that she had a little moment to think it through. She could go and have the baby away from this community and no one would be any the wiser and it didn't mean she had to come back and stay in the community. She could leave if she wanted to.
"So you're not going to tell anybody in the community here about me being pregnant? We’re keeping it hush-hush—on the ‘down low’?"
Her mother nodded, and added, “This is no joke.”
Cassandra nodded. “I know. More than anyone, I know that.”
“It's best to keep these things just between familye. I don’t want anyone else to know only us three and Maud and Uncle Max," Mr. Yoder said.
"I thought you'd want the bishop to know, Dat.”
"Nee, this is something I wouldn’t want anybody to find out.”
Her father looked down at the palms of his hands and Cassandra knew he was very disappointed in her. The bishop and he were good friends and her father strived to be a Godly man. Heavy lines had appeared in her mother’s forehead. Her mother was disappointed in her more than anything else. Cassandra shrugged off her parents’ attitudes. What did they expect would happen when she was living with Jake in a one-bedroom apartment?
Her father stood up. "It's good to see you home, Cassandra, no matter what the circumstances. Sometimes Gott tries us to see what we are made of."
Cassandra’s father always made everything about God. She was tempted to say she didn't like a God, who would make bad things happen to people to teach them a lesson. She kept quiet because she needed her parents to be on her side just this one time.
As her father was going out the back door, he said, "I've got some things to do, but we’ll talk more later."
"Okay, denke, Dat.”
He called over his shoulder, “Get changed into some normal clothes."
She looked down at her jeans and tee-shirt.
"We’ve got some of your clothes upstairs. I think you'd better change into them."
"I don't. I came back to visit—that doesn't mean I'm going back to the meetings and being a part of everything again.”
"Just get out of those clothes. And please stop arguing with everything I say, Cassandra. It's quite exhausting."
Cassandra sighed and tied her dark hair into a knot at the nape of her neck.
“I'll fix you something to eat while you go upstairs and get changed.”
Cassandra stood up, leaned over and kissed her mother on the cheek. "Denke, Mamm. I’m sorry I’m so hard to get along with sometimes. I knew I could count on you. I knew you'd know what to do."
Her mother smiled. "Isn’t that what mudders are supposed to do?"
"I guess so," Cassandra said as she walked out of the room.
Chapter 4
I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed,
and am persuaded that he is able to keep that
which I have committed unto him against that day.
2 Timothy 1:12
* * *
Cassandra walked into her bedroom and saw that it was the same as she’d left it with one exception, and that was that the bed was now made. Her clothes were hanging on the same pegs by the door. There was one purple dress one yellow dress and a dark green dress. She lifted the yellow dress off the peg, and slumped onto the bed with the dress in her hands.
"Now I know why you’re home."
She looked up to see her younger sister.
"You were listening in after Dat told you it was a private conversation? You’ll probably go to Hell for that."
“I’m going to hell? If I am, what about you?” Gretchen asked.
Cassandra glared at her sister.
Gretchen added, “I’m not a little girl anymore and you can’t scare me about hell. It’s not my fault that I can hear everything from my bedroom and you've all got loud voices."
She had a point. Gretchen sat down on the bed with Cassandra. "Are you really having a boppli?"
"Jah, I am, but Mamm and Dat don't want anybody to know. They’re sending me away to Aunt Maud’s."
"Who’s Aunt Maud?"
"Dat’s older schweschder. I vaguely remember her. I think she was nice, but when I was younger, I thought everybody was nice."
"Are you gonna give the boppli away?
Cassandra nodded. “I guess so."
"And it's Jake’s?"
"If you've been listening in you’d know the answer to that. Why even ask me?"
"I'm trying to be nice, Cassandra. I don’t know what else to say."
"You're only trying to be nice because you feel sorry for me. You don't need to feel sorry for me."
"How can you give your boppli away?"
"It's the only kind thing to do. I wouldn't be a gut mudder, and the vadder is dead. So, it's the logical thing to do."
"You could give the boppli to me."
Cassandra laughed. "Why would I do that? You wouldn't be able to raise it any better than I could. And besides that, you're only twelve."
"I'm not twelve, and you know it. I’ll be eighteen at the end of the year. I could marry someone and keep the boppli."
"I didn't know you were so keen on babies."
"Neither did I until I heard you were going to give yours away. The boppli will be my niece or nephew."
"Don't
be so dramatic! You're making this about you, and it's not about you, it's about me. You're so self-absorbed. You’ve always been jealous of me."
Gretchen opened her mouth in shock. "I was not! And I’m still not jealous of you. You do stupid things all the time. You made Jake run away with you…"
"Stop right there! I did not make him run away. We went on rumspringa and it was his idea." Cassandra lied to make her sister stop saying dreadful things about her. She was tired of her constant taunts.
“I didn’t know that.”
“There’s a lot of things you don’t know. Like, I wouldn’t be a gut mudder—end of story. I'm just gonna do what Mamm and Dat think I should do. They said that Maud will find someone to give the baby to. I don't know anything about babies and what to do with them. I still haven't figured out what I'm doing in life, and my options would be limited with a baby. I worked with a girl at the restaurant who had a baby by herself and it was too hard for her. I don't want to struggle like that.
Gretchen sighed. “You should’ve thought of all that before…”
"Get out!" Cassandra yelled.
“Why? I'm trying to help you figure out what to do."
"You weren’t; you were being horrible. Anyway, there’s nothing to help me with. I'm going to Maud’s. It’s just a few months out of my life and then everything will be back to normal."
"What about Jake’s parents? Don't you think they would like to know that you're having their son’s child?"
Cassandra hadn't even stopped to consider anything like that. "Nee! I'm the one who’d have to look after the baby all the time if I keep it, so I figure it's none of their business. It’s just sentimental nonsense that you think they should know about the baby.”
"Why didn't you go to Jake’s funeral?"
"Didn’t I tell you to get out?"
"Just answer me that," Gretchen said.
"Why does it matter?"
"He was your boyfriend and you made a baby together. You lived together then he died and you didn't go to his funeral. It just seems cold-hearted and I know that deep down you’re kind."
"If you must know, he deserted me. He knew about the baby and didn’t care. Then he walked out and left me with bills to pay on top of everything else."
"I can't imagine Jake doing anything like that."
“Well, he did! I told him he had a responsibility to the baby and me. Then he told me I had a responsibility to go back to the community and if I didn't go back he had no responsibility to me whatsoever.”
“Really? He said that?”
“He said he'd marry me if I returned to the community.”
"Then why didn't you?"
"I wouldn't marry a man who wouldn't stand by me. And he just walked out on me because I wouldn't go along with what he wanted. I would never marry a man who put me in such a situation."
"Well, weren't you doing the same to him? He didn't want to leave the community—that's the way I heard it."
Cassandra screwed up her face. "Gretchen, I can't explain every little detail to you. For a start, you don't know what you're talking about, and you're annoying me. I don't have the time to tell you everything that happened, but I never got along with him. He would’ve been the last person I would’ve married. If I came back to the community and he was still alive, I would’ve had to marry him.”
"That's not so. You used to tell me how in love with him you were."
"That's before we went on rumspringa together."
"Is that what you call it when you never intended on coming back? It’s not a true rumspringa.”
“No one knows if they’ll come back or not when they go on rumspringa. That’s the whole point of it, but I guess, you’re too young to figure things like that out.”
“Stop being so mean to me.”
"Just go, before I call Mamm and tell her you're being mean to me."
Gretchen jumped to her feet. "I thought we might be able to be friends when I saw you back here, but you haven't changed a bit."
"And you haven't changed either.”
Gretchen walked out her door.
Wanting to deliver a further jab, Cassandra called after her, “You’re the reason I left!”
Chapter 5
No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.
Isaiah 54:17
* * *
Cassandra slept better that night because she had a plan. But should she go along with what her mother and father said and go to Maud’s? It was far enough away that news of a birth wouldn’t get back to her community. She would also be away from anyone who would get suspicious when her stomach got bigger.
Still lying in bed, she placed her hands on her stomach. She was starting to swell a little. Cassandra threw back the bedcovers, stretched her arms over her head and sat up.
She slipped on the same dress that she’d had on for a few hours the day before, stuck on the prayer kapp, tied on her apron, and pulled on black stockings before she headed downstairs.
As she approached the kitchen, she heard Gretchen ask, "Will Cassandra be doing chores while she stays here?"
“Nee, I won't be." Cassandra walked further into the room, and sat down at the kitchen table.
Her mother made no comment only glanced at both girls before she turned back to the pancakes she was cooking on the stove.
Gretchen stared at her sister, "It won't hurt you to do a bit around the place here before you go to Maud’s.”
Cassandra glanced up at her mother.
Gretchen continued, "I already told Mamm I heard everything, and I won't tell anyone your secret. But I don't know why people can't know about it."
Their mother turned around from the stove. "You mustn’t tell anybody, not even your sisters.” Their mother shook a spatula at Gretchen.
"I said I wouldn't.”
Cassandra said, "It'll only hurt Mamm and Dat if you tell anybody. I don't mind about me, but you wouldn't want to hurt them, would you?"
"I already said I wouldn't tell anybody and I meant it."
Cassandra leaned forward and said to Gretchen, “Let’s see how long you can keep a secret now that you’re older. You could never keep one before.”
"Girls stop it! I forgot how peaceful it was without you around, Cassandra."
Cassandra was hurt by her mother's comment and by her sister’s smirking face. "It's not me, Mamm, it’s her."
"I don't care who it is. I just want it to stop. You're both old enough to put this childish behavior behind you."
Gretchen curled her lip into a snarl and Cassandra pulled a face right back at her.
Their mother said, "I wrote a letter last night, and I'm going to put it in today's post. As soon as we hear back from Maud, you should probably make your way there, Cassandra."
"Can I go too?" Gretchen asked.
Her mother swung around from the stove. "Nee, that would be the last thing that I would do to poor old Maud. She wouldn’t be able to take the two of you together."
"Old? Exactly how old is she?" Cassandra asked, not wanting to have to look after some old lady. Was that the real reason she was being sent there, to be a nursemaid?
"Only a couple of years older than your vadder."
"That's ancient," Gretchen said.
“She’s not that old, then,” Cassandra said, only to disagree with her sister.
Mrs. Yoder put a pile of pancakes in the middle of the table. "Eat up.”
"Denke, Mamm," Gretchen said.
"Jah, denke, Mamm," Cassandra said.
“You’ll see everyone tonight at the familye dinner.”
“The what?”
Cassandra’s mother sat next to her. “We have dinner with everyone over on Tuesday night.”
Cassandra knew that ‘everyone’ meant her older sisters and their families.
Chapter 6
Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth,
the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free.
Ephesians 6:8
* * *
“Great! What are we going to tell them?" Cassandra asked.
Gretchen smirked. "Why don't you just lie like you usually do?"
"Gretchen, now is not the time for smart talk,” Mrs. Yoder said. "We won't say anything to them. It's got nothing to do with them."
"I disagree. It has everything to do with them. They are about to lose their niece or nephew,” Gretchen said.
"It's not your decision to make, Gretchen. This is about Cassandra and not about you."
"Just because I'm the youngest, you treat me like a child, and you never listen to me.”
"Your opinions do matter, but not on this occasion," Mrs. Yoder said.
Cassandra stared at Gretchen. "You know why I can't have this baby.”
“Don’t you want to see your sisters?” Mrs. Yoder asked Cassandra.
Cassandra nodded. “I suppose so, but not if they’re going to ask me a lot of questions.”
Mrs. Yoder frowned. “They will. They haven’t seen you in ages. I don’t think you can avoid them asking questions.”
Gretchen said, “They’ll probably ask you why you didn’t go to Jake’s funeral.”
“Nee, they wouldn’t talk about Jake. They would worry it would upset Cassandra,” Mrs. Yoder said.
Cassandra put her hand to her head. “I feel a headache coming on.”
“There’s no getting out of it. As soon as your sisters know you’re here, they’ll want to see you anyway,” her mother said. “Just have a rest today. I’ll post the letter to your aunt and then I’ll come right back.”
“I’ll go with you, Mamm,” Gretchen said.
“Nee, you stay here with your schweschder.”
Gretchen pulled a face. “Why don’t I go post the letter and you stay here?”
Their mother nodded. “Okay, if that’s what you want to do. Do you want to go with her, Cassandra?”
“Nee, I’ll stay here and think and try to get over this headache.”
Amish Widow's Secret Page 2
