“Well, let’s hope.” Now the bra was gone and my eyes feasted as she pulled my blue and white tie-dye shirt over her head. “Are you too tired?” she asked, crawling across the bed and settling on top of me. My hands were immediately under her shirt and on her breasts. She chuckled low. “Is that a no?”
“I’m sorry, were you speaking?”
“God, I miss your hands on me when we’re apart.”
“Me too,” I murmured, pulling her down for a kiss I knew wouldn’t end there. We’d been away from each other too long. In fact, our relationship had never been without these continuous separations. I hated them as much as Courtney did but at the same time couldn’t quite comprehend leaving Tanner Peak after everything that had happened. My sense of adventure had dimmed considerably, and I couldn’t fathom leaving behind everything I knew. I needed the familiarity and clung to it.
She killed the lamp next to my bed. “Have you talked to DePaul about enrolling for the fall semester? They know you’re accepting this time, right?”
I hesitated, as I had not quite pulled the trigger on that one. Instead, I employed my go-to stalling tactic. “It’s on my to-do list.”
She sighed at my answer and pulled her lips from my neck. I couldn’t fully make out her features in the darkened room, but I had a pretty good concept of what the disappointment looked like. “You said that four weeks ago. And the month before that.”
I removed my hands beneath her shirt and turned my face to the side, taking a moment for myself. I didn’t know what to say, how to say it. At my silence, Courtney slipped off me and turned the lamp on.
“Can we take a minute to go over the plan, please? I know you’ve had a horrific time, and I didn’t expect you to leave behind your home, but it’s been a year. I just need to know that this is going somewhere, just some sort of indication that we will take that next step forward, that I’m not some summer fling on repeat year after year.”
I bristled at the characterization, annoyed she would even go there. “Don’t say that. You know you’re not.”
“But that’s the thing. I don’t, Maggie. That’s what I’m trying to articulate to you. I have this whole other life. Friends, my job, school, and I hate that you’re not a part of it, and it kills me that you show no interest in wanting to be.”
I didn’t know where the anger came from, but it flashed hot and instant. “Oh, you mean that life. The one with Heather and Nathan and Bryn and all the other Northwestern upper crusts? I know how important they are to you.” My tone was patronizing, but I couldn’t seem to stop now. “As are the wine-and-cheeses you attend like it’s your job. I just have trouble getting excited about that kind of thing, okay?” I heard how it sounded out loud and didn’t recognize myself, but this version of me just didn’t care.
The light dimmed in her eyes noticeably, but she maintained control. “Those are my friends. Good friends, actually. I would love it if they were your friends one day, too. I’m just starting to understand that maybe that’s not what you want anymore. Be straight with me, Maggie. Is it?”
I stared at the floor and let the emptiness of the last year consume me, the darkness descend. My defenses flared and I turned off my feelings, a trick I’d picked up when the pain became too much. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s not.”
“Maybe it’s not,” Courtney repeated blandly, and when I raised my gaze, it looked like she’d been slapped. “You don’t know if you want to meet my friends, or you don’t know about you and me?”
I shrugged, barely giving her anything, but it felt like I had nothing to give. The well was empty, and it was all I could do to keep myself together, much less hang on to another person who was asking for so much.
“You lost Clay, Maggie, and it’s awful and I am so sorry, but don’t lose yourself, too. Don’t forget who you are and what you once wanted out of life. Remember your real estate license? Your plans? Us? You can still do all of that. But you’re so damn focused on the day-to-day details of this farm now and—”
“And what? What do you want me to say to you, Courtney? That I’m going to leave this place, the only thing that makes me happy, and run away with you to the land of flashy and exciting? I think we both know I’m not going to do that.” Hearing her use Clay’s name to argue for what she wanted, for the future she envisioned for us, set something off in me. Whether it was fair of me or not, she somehow became the enemy.
“You lost your brother a year ago, and my heart is broken for you. Crushed. If you need more time, tell me. I can live with that, but I just have to know that there is a someday in the not-so-distant future where you’ll be ready to take that leap with me.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Maggie, please. Is there a someday?”
I couldn’t answer her.
“So what?” she asked, her eyes searching mine. “I float into town every few months and we have sex and—”
“Apparently you leave again. It’s what always happens, and we’ve been fine.”
She stared at the ground for a moment, compiling her thoughts. “Yeah, well, I’m afraid that’s not enough for me anymore. I need to know that I mean more than that.” She shook her head in defeat and looked around for her jeans on the floor. She dressed in silence while I stared at the bed, hating what was happening but seeing only one way to stop it.
“Then move here.”
“What?”
“If you want this to be something more, move here. We have a store.”
She turned to me, her eyes sad. “And work right under my father for the rest of my life? Do you know what you’re asking?”
I did know. I shrugged. “You know what? Forget it.”
“Maggie.”
“Just forget it. All of it.”
She was crying now, the tears ran in streams down her cheeks as she shook her head. “The thing is that I would have actually done that for you. I would have.”
She finished dressing. From the doorway of my bedroom, she turned back to me. “You know, my whole life I’ve been perfectly fine not mattering that much in the scheme of things. I was okay with being an afterthought or a detail to sort out. But I needed it to be different with you. I thought it was, and that’s on me. I love you, Maggie, which is why my heart just can’t do this anymore. I want nothing but good things for you, but it’s clear that’s not me. So I’ll go.”
I didn’t say anything but closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to see her leave. I didn’t want to have to live with that image. I pulled the covers tight around me so I would have something to grip when I heard her tires against the gravel. When I was alone and enveloped in the silence, I cried. The world that once felt like my own happy playground was now a vastly different and very scary place.
Courtney came with way too much to be afraid of.
*
With May turning to June and June to July, summer slid into its prime, and Tanner Peak blossomed to life. People were outside more, spending time with their neighbors and soaking up the sunny days. There were car washes, baseball games, and cookouts. Peak of Berries had come and gone, bringing in record numbers this year.
Yet I’d never felt more alone in my entire life.
“Louis called last night,” Berta said, toeing the water in the creek. Travis had agreed to watch Timothy so Berta and I could steal a little one-on-one time. But at the mention of Louis’s name, I went still from my spot along the bank. I didn’t hate Louis, I had come to realize after a long bout of soul searching. What he did had not come from a place of malice. At the same time, it was still incredibly hard to think about him without thinking about the accident. About Clay. Berta, on the other hand, had gone out of her way to reach out to Louis and had been a steadfast friend. She’d always been a better person than I was.
“And how is he?” I heard myself ask. I only allowed myself to be partially present for these kinds of conversations, the goal being self-preservation.
“He sounds more like himself than he has in a while. H
e’s been out of treatment for a few months now, and mentioned maybe coming to town for a visit.” She was gauging my reaction, that much I knew.
“Oh, yeah?” While I wasn’t jumping at the chance to see him again, it wasn’t like I could keep the guy out. He’d not been charged. There was no law that he couldn’t come back to town.
“Yeah.” Berta studied me as a cool breeze hit and lifted my hair. “You can be honest with me, you know.”
“What am I supposed to say, Berta? It’s a free country.” What happened had been a horrific accident of the worst kind. I knew that in my heart. But at the same time I understood that none of it would have happened if Louis hadn’t behaved recklessly. How was I supposed to reconcile those two things?
Berta raised her arm. “You’re supposed to say ‘Hell no, I don’t want to see that guy,’ or ‘You know what? It might be therapeutic to actually have a conversation with him.’ Whatever it is you feel. There’s no wrong answer here.”
I shook my head because she was wrong. “There’s always a wrong answer.”
She turned to me in exasperation. “Maggie, I’m lost here. I’m trying to be your friend, but I don’t know how to pull you back from wherever it is you’ve gone.”
“I’ll be fine. I don’t need to be pulled back.” I hopped in the creek and lost myself in the feel of the cool water, sinking in up to my chin. Unfortunately, Berta wasn’t done.
“Courtney went back to Chicago and none of us understand why. You’ve barely said two words on the topic, and everyone’s worried about you.”
“She’s in Chicago because that’s apparently where she would rather be.”
“And that’s okay with you?” she asked in disbelief. “Since when?”
I didn’t have the words to explain that I felt in control of very little and was held together by a string at this point. I gave it a shot anyway. “It’s not okay with me, but I don’t know what else to do anymore, Berta. I didn’t have it in me to fight. We want different things, and I can’t be who she needs me to be anymore.”
She shook her head, not comprehending. “So that’s it. You’ve just thrown in the towel on someone you love?”
I winced internally and realized I couldn’t shut everything off. “Yep.”
“That’s horrible.”
I nodded numbly. “I think that’s my line.”
“Well, why aren’t you saying it, then?” Berta asked, practically yelling. “Who are you? Why aren’t you feeling anything?”
I turned in the water, and faced her. Raw. Exposed. Feeling more than she realized and more than I wanted to. “You know what I think? I think Louis should definitely visit regardless of the pain he’s caused everyone. I think Courtney was right to go back to Chicago. I think that everybody should do whatever the hell it is that they want to do and leave me alone. And you know what else? It turns out I’m not really in the mood for a swim after all.”
I hopped out of the water, gathered my things, and stalked away home. I’d let my warring emotions fight it out without me and notify me later of what they decided. I was taking the rest of the damn day off.
Two weeks later, I sat with my father in his office, which was surrounded by the large cooling tanks that would keep the strawberries cold and fresh until the trucks arrived to haul them off into the world. We’d watched as the crew transferred a new portion of the summer crops into the tanks by the thousands just an hour before. With the place now cleared out, we stole a moment to down our sandwiches across from each other at his desk.
As I unpacked my brown bag lunch, my father did what he always did at precisely noon: cut his tomato on wheat sandwich in half with his pocketknife. He always had been a creature of habit, and I found comfort in that kind of dependability. We ate in silence for a few moments, the comfortable kind. Finally, he looked over at me. “Got folks around here talking about you, ya know. Concerned.”
“You get that impression, too?” I attempted a laugh. I don’t think it landed.
He shrugged. “Well, I’m not worried.”
I looked up at him. “That’s refreshing.”
He pressed on casually. “You’re too smart a kid to throw your life away, watch it circle the toilet like a used tissue.”
“Geez, Dad. That’s some potent imagery.”
“Well, it’s true. I was blessed with two great kids. One who was led around this world by his heart and another who was smarter and wiser than I thought possible for her years. But you know what I also found out? She was a lot like her brother, too.”
I was touched by the sentiment and took a moment to gather my thoughts. “It’s been a year now.”
He nodded.
“I often ask myself what Clay would do when I find myself in a tough spot. Sometimes I know the answer, but sometimes I have no clue. Those are the times that are the hardest.” I swallowed. “When I don’t know.”
“That makes a lot of sense,” he said. “He was your big brother. I wonder what he would think about what we’re all doing now. If he would want us to stop living the way you have.”
“I haven’t stopped living.”
He shrugged. “You walked away from all your big plans for yourself. Lost your girlfriend.”
“Logistically, it wasn’t working out between Courtney and me.”
He looked at me like I’d just laid an egg. “Logistically? You’re gonna have to decode that one for your old dad, because you two got on like white on rice. She made you smile.”
“Okay.” I stared at the ceiling, blew out a breath, and tried to explain. “This is the thing. She wants Chicago and Carrington’s Corporate and I want Tanner Peak and the life I have going here.”
“And what life would that be?” he asked.
“Ouch. The farm. You and Mom. This town.”
“Listen, to me, Scrap.” I felt the lump in my throat at the use of the nickname. “You love the farm, but it was never your dream, what you’d envisioned for yourself.”
“Maybe it is now.”
“Because we lost your brother? That’s your way of feeling close to him, sure, but don’t trade in your life for his.”
“It’s so far away,” I said of Chicago, the fear rising in me again.
“It is far. But you think I wouldn’t have followed your mother to the ends of the Earth? Of course I would have. I love that gal of mine.” He looked at me long and hard. “We’re all wounded here, Margaret, and we’re all paying a very steep price.”
“I know.”
“I just don’t want yours to be any bigger than it has to be.” With that, he stood, slowly collected the trash from his lunch, and exited the office.
Rattled.
That’s how I felt.
I sat there for a long while as the words he’d just imparted chiseled away at the barriers I’d erected between myself and the rest of the world, rocking what I thought I knew and making me question my choices all over again. My dad had a way of getting through to me, and as a result my throat was tight, my stomach felt weak, and regret washed over me in a horrifying chill.
Because what if he was right?
*
Days turned into weeks, and in that time, the truth gradually revealed itself to me. I missed Courtney. I missed our late-night conversations and our teasing. I missed the subtle touches when we were in public, and the intimate ones when it was just the two of us. I missed her laugh, and her wonderful cookie scent, and her unmatched ambition that I admired no end. I missed making love to her and kissing her and telling her how much I loved her, because I did love her. There wasn’t a world where I could not.
But it had been months since she’d left my cottage, and I’d hurt her badly. I reflected back on the shock of pain in her eyes and the finality of the click when she’d closed the front door. She’d called me once a few weeks later. I hadn’t picked up and she hadn’t left a message.
I knew now what I wanted.
As time marched on, I gathered my courage and began to make a plan, one build
ing block at a time. I wasn’t sure how to undo the damage I’d done to our relationship, but I had to try. A phone call felt cheap. Actions spoke louder than words, I decided.
I booked a ticket to Chicago, needing to talk to her face-to-face. To find the right words to let her know how wrong I’d been and how much I valued our relationship, how much I valued her, no matter what I’d said months before. I was prepared to move to Chicago and had already begun taking steps in that direction. The more I planned, the more the fear turned to excitement. To my amazement, I was able to recapture the enthusiasm I’d felt just over a year ago. The smile that took up residence on my face was authentic and frequent. And while it’s strange to say, I felt like my brother was with me, ushering me along on this new adventure, and that was everything.
As I wasn’t sure exactly how long I’d be in Chicago, I grabbed several extra outfits and went about organizing them into my suitcase as “Ticket to Ride” appropriately blared from the speaker in my bedroom.
Through it all, I heard my cottage door open after a very brief knock. I peered down the hallway to the living room and smiled at Berta. “Hey, you. Wanna help me pack?”
Since she didn’t answer, I killed the music, deciding to take a break and chat for a bit. Berta didn’t get a ton of time without a toddler tugging on her for something, and I tried to make myself available when it happened. I joined her in the living room and plopped down on the couch, a little winded from my busy morning. She studied me. I made a lighthearted show of studying her back. “You’re being weird,” I finally said. “What’s going on?”
She took a deep inhale and covered her eyes. “I have to show you something and I don’t want to. God, I really don’t want to.”
My curiosity piqued, I crossed to her. She held out a copy of that morning’s paper folded in half. I took it from her and read the headline out loud. “Tanner Peak Fire Chief to Retire.” Berta took the newspaper from me and flipped it over, revealing the secondary headline below the fold.
Hometown Department Store Heiress Elopes with Senator’s Son
Strawberry Summer Page 18
